decaffinated-dreams

[decaffinated-dreams]

"So this is how liberty dies. With thunderous applause." -Star Wars

[decaffinated-dreams]

It is November. The year on its deathbed. I have outlived my body so many times these months. Like wildflowers in concrete, I am trying to grow between the syllables of my name.

[decaffinated-dreams]

Andrea Gibson, Lord of the Butterflies

[decaffinated-dreams]

[decaffinated-dreams]

— The Pond, Mary Oliver

[text ID: August of another summer, and / once again / I am drinking the sun / and the lilies again are spread / across the water.]

[decaffinated-dreams]

and adele saying "when i was a child every single thing could blow my mind/soaking it all up for fun but now i only soak up wine" and lorde saying "all the music you loved at sixteen you'll grow out of" and florence + the machine saying "we're just children wanted children of our own" and taylor swift saying "i had the shiniest wheels now they're rusting"

GROWING UP. ( young and beautiful, lana del rey / nothing new, taylor swift + phoebe bridgers / working for the knife, mitski / first love/late spring, mitski / nothing new, taylor swift + phoebe bridgers / ribs, lorde / nothing new, taylor swift + phoebe bridgers )

[decaffinated-dreams]

spiraling about seven again. like. to be so innocent and young that you can't even fathom any kind of darkness or pain. the way you can't hold onto your innocence or wildness, you can't remember every face, but you can hold onto the love. like. are y'all getting this. are you really getting this!!!

[decaffinated-dreams]

yes its been five years but i am not over emma hallucinating that she severed all parabatai bonds while coming back from thule, just to turn and see jem bleeding as he asks "emma, emma how could you?" i mean WHAT a perfect scene to show how powerful the parabatai bond is. throughout tda the bond becomes an antagonist as julian and emma struggle against it, and its hard to remember that its actually a beautiful way to connect two souls. one of my favorite parts of the shadowhunters books is how cassie shows how powerful and overwhelming platonic love can be, and will and jem are the embodiment of that. the bond isnt just a symbol of their love but the physical manifestation of its endurance, and thats why the seelie queens proposal to break all bonds is so tragic. to take away that kind of connection is sacrilege, even at the cost of romantic love. one is not greater than the other, and thats one of the subtle but beautifully written themes threading through tda.

[decaffinated-dreams]

reading vincent van goghs letters and he keeps repeating the same thing.. that i may be of use in the world. he repeats it over and over, in questions, in musings, in desperation. how can i be of use in the world? (the most precious question!) how can i be of use in the world? (how can anyone?) reminds me of that mary oliver quote: to pay attention, this is our endless and proper work. if i were any more insightful i could say something profound here, but i think if we keep focused attention on the question, we may find a way to be of some good. like rilke meant. by loving the questions themselves, we may one day stumble upon the answer.