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[dear-x-from-y]

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[dear-x-from-y]

Letters I'll Never Send

Dear The Boy,

I don't know why but for years you have been an invisible passenger in my head. I say passenger because most of the time you show up is when I am driving around our home town (which we both still live in) alone listening to songs that somehow remind me of you even when I don't want them to.

I don't know why you're still here. I know i've thought about you a lot over the years and the thought of you and the talking through things with imaginary you has helped me learn a lot. Like... you triggered something dark in me. I though it was all your fault but the truth is that the darkness had always been there, but you made me feel so much, so deeply, that it brought it all to the surface. I know that now. I know it's not really your fault that I was crying every night, even though it was over you, I know you're not at fault for the self harm I inflicted upon myself all those years in high school.

I can see now after all these years removed that you were fighting that same darkness. I can see why you were hurtful to me sometimes. I can see now you probably thought you were saving me when you told me we could no longer be friends and to forget about you on graduation day. I can see your side but can you see mine?

Did you ever notice just how in love with you I was? Did you ever notice that you broke my heart more than once. You broke my heart so thoroughly when you said that on graduation day, right before the ceremony, in that music room, which was my safe place, in that soft voice. I didn't realize what had happened until it was over and you were gone. I had told myself I wouldn't cry over you again. I still did after that moment. I was happy. I was in a good, healthy relationship with the man I would eventually marry and love more deeply than I could have known in that moment. I had told myself that we were never meant to have that kind of relationship and that I was learning so much about life because of you even in that weird almost a thing but never a thing situationship we had. All of that is true.

I learned a lot about life, love, loss, relationships, myself, and more through those years and experiences you put me through. I don't regret them. I wouldn't take them back. Did it hurt? Like hell. Would I willingly bring that pain back into my life. Hell no. Would I do it again if I was magically transported back into my younger self with my memories still intact? Probably a bit differently, but yeah I'd live through it again. It made me who I am and I like who I am. It started me down a path that lead to the life I have now and I like the life I have now. I met my husband and true love of my life because my friend was worried about me, because of you, and got me away from you for a day and I met someone new and made a friend that has never broken my heart and has been a constant supportive love for me from that day on.

So, I wanted to say thank you for being a part of my life. Some parts of me still wish you were willing to be my friend. I want to show you I care. I want to show you that I still have a love for you that means I will always hope for the best for you. I want you to know that yes you broke me and my heart but I am ok now. I forgive you.

I think that is why you are my invisible passenger. This is a way I can show you i'm doing ok. The damage wasn't so severe that I can't move on. I'm not stuck in the past. I'm not stuck in the pain. This is a way I can safely show you my concern. This is a way I can safely show you my platonic love. This is a way we can coexist together as friends.

However, I do think it is time for you to move out. That moment we shared at our class reunion wasn't much. Just silently looking at each other for a few uninterrupted seconds. However, It helped me see that we had both moved on and this was the new normal. You've become somebody that I used to be friends with. You've slid all the way into that territory. I didn't fully accept that fact even though I was at peace with it. Now it is time.

This is a farewell to the invisible passenger. I want to move you out of my head to the state of being some guy I may write to when I feel like it.

Farewell Trevor. I am saying goodbye because it is time to move on and grow up. It is time to let the teenage moments that have long since healed move on so I can find my adult form. I've healed the inner child, I've healed my inner teenager. I want to step into the rest of my life as an adult.

Saying goodby makes me nervous. I worry that the moment I leave you alone you will fade from me forever, you tried that once already in the real world and it scared the crap out of me. Not the time you left me at graduation... the time you tried to leave the earth permanently and luckily your mother found you. I worry you will go through life thinking I hate you. I don't.

I remember a time when we were still close, maybe a bit too close. we were outside at a social gathering and talking about shooting stars. I had never seen one, you had seen loads that summer. We were laying on the ground hoping to see one. I was so happy in that moment. I felt a true connection and deep love for you. You were describing all the times you had seen these wonderful stars and I just listened. I loved the fact that most of all you would talk to me about something you loved. I loved that you listened to me. All those times in class when we should have been working but weren't because we were sitting across from each other and just wanted to talk. Those times we almost went deaf sitting in from of the drum set in the band section at football games and just creating nonsense conversations. I do not remember what we talked about other than Dr. Pepper, Oreos, our friends... but I will always remember how when you were focused on me I felt special.

You taught me so much. I know I said this before but I can not thank you enough. You taught me about love when I was so young I didn't even know what I was feeling. You taught me about pain before I had to experience the worst pain of my life. That was a benefit to me. I had some skills that kept me functioning in that time of loss because I had already practiced them with the loss of your friendship. You taught me about my inner darkness and how it lashes out sometimes and sometimes it reaches deep inside of me. I can manage it better now with the help of your memory and my fandoms.

With those lessons you helped me realize how lucky I am to have gone through so much so young. If I didn't have you, The Boy before The Husband, I probably wouldn't have trusted myself enough to be sure what I felt for him was love and if I hadn't married him I wouldn't be as happy as I am now because I wouldn't have a spouse who would have known my father and how great he was. I needed someone who would understand the level of grief I feel every day at losing such a powerful influence and source of light and love in my life. I needed him and you gave him to me and you gave me the confidence to know it was a true and good love I felt because I had loved you for so long so young. You helped me get the life and love I need. You helped me recognize it and not be afraid of it.

Something I want you to know, Lavon, is if you ever want to switch territories and become a friend again I will allow it and welcome you back with open arms and only love and understanding. I will respect your boundaries and stay out of your way, but if you find this... and you miss our friendship... just know I still love you, platonically, I still miss you. I do not hate you. I forgive you. I hope only the best for you. You deserve goodness and love and comfort. You have been through a lot, too much, and I understand that. Just know you are loved. Just know you deserve so much out of life and I hope you don't let your darkness and your cynicism of this world rob you from pure joy and love. Let those who love you love you. Let yourself love them in return. Don't be afraid to show those kinder emotions. You have a good heart. You have a kind spirit. You have a sweet smile. Let yourself be happy. Even when it is hard let yourself want love and joy and happiness. Be the best version of yourself. Be happy. Be content. Be yourself.

I will always remember our time together, the good and the bad, and everything that came from it. I will always remember you as you were in a happy light. I will remember Trevor and respect Lavon.

With love and hope,

-"Katie" M.....

[dear-x-from-y]

I heard you got married. I want to ask if you’re happy but I want you to be as badly as I want you not to be, and I don’t like that side of me.

So I won’t ask and you won’t say.

[dear-x-from-y]

"How do you move on?" I asked the darkness.

Grief, l've learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give, but cannot. Grief is just love with no place to go. Sometimes, the bad things that happen to us are not valuable lessons. Nothing can be extracted from them, there are no positives to some things. It is okay to feel grief for what happened to you, to mourn what you have lost, to know it was not fair. Sometimes, we can only let go of the past by grieving it, by admitting it was not okay, but now that we are dealing with the pain, sometimes you can't move on.

-but we can hope for a better future

[dear-x-from-y]

Dear x,

Apparently I still think of you. I know moving back to my hometown that I gave to you, was a bad decision.

You’ve slipped your way back into my psyche, past the places where the scars have healed.

I’m engaged now and I’m happy. Things are lighter. I use different pronouns and wear a whole new style.

I am someone you would not know crossing on the street. It’s my defense .

I hope your brother is well

Wanting to run from your memory

Y

[dear-x-from-y]

Dear x

I hope I never see you again. But I still hope this letter reaches you well.

I know that you and I are just poison to each other. Another suicidal note at the end of a sad song.

So it’s time to write a new symphony. I still won’t wear red lipstick.

Never again

Y