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[deafening-speechlessness]

Day 7 of 365, 2019

When you wake up and your bed is the safest place you have ever been and you are debating whether facing the world is worth leaving that current comfort – how to you motivate yourself to finally move?

It was such a chore to finally move, but hey at least I did it. I was a basket case and my anxiety was paralyzingly painful today. It was hard to breathe, hard to move, hard to think, and hard to eat.

I did finally go out and face the world and tackled the few things I needed to do today. I wasn’t happy about it, but I did it!

Unfortunately by the time I started coming home, the snow and ice pellets started. I came and had a nap with the little furry heater and when I woke up, the freezing rain started. Hopefully the roads are okay tomorrow for when I need to got out...

Lead in:

People kept telling me that I need to just get over it, and seemed to expect direct answers. There isn’t anything direct about it, and all I keep getting told is time and treatment. Well I am doing what I can, especially since at this point we didn’t know what was going on or what the treatment was going to be.

It’s a pain when you’re going blindly up against something that you don’t even know what it is, and it’s even more frustrating to have people get angry when I can’t give them answers...

[deafening-speechlessness]

Day 6 of 365, 2019

Drowning in anxiety today.

I woke up filled with fear. Fear of failing, fear of letting people down, fear of not being heard, fear of not being good enough and above all, fear of something bad happening. Coupled with this, I have been short tempered and very snappy with people.

Today was a day filled with an overwhelming amount of emotion. Aside from the fear and anxiety, I was feel very sad. I felt like I would never be good enough, and that no matter how hard I try or what I do, I will never get anywhere. Stuck in a dark and empty place.

I ended up doing some cleaning to try and distract myself, but that only went so far. Played some Pokémon Let’s Go on the switch, and again only that went so far. So I finally settled on curling up on the couch with my little ball of fur and put on the walking dead, after I had a nice hot shower to try and calm myself down a touch.

Had a nice chat with a friend, that took my mind away from a few things for a little, so that was nice — it made me feel like I am actually useful.

Lead in:

After being told I had an appointment to see the specialist, my friend called to see if she could get me on the cancellation list, only to learn that they don’t have a cancellation list! Who is this day and age doesn’t have a chance list?!

My friend ended up calling every day asking if they had any cancellations, and finally after a few weeks they told her, that the doctor was only at that location on Tuesday’s and Thursday’s. The calls continued, and every once in a while, there was a cancellation and we were slowly able to move my appointment up by a few different dates. Sadly, it was still several months away.

[deafening-speechlessness]

Day 5 of 365, 2019

I am just so tired. I feel like I am working overtime just to be heard. People say they are listening, but no one acts like they do.

There is a constant whistle from the furnace since the filter was changed, and hoping that the noise will dissipate soon. Every time the furnace kicks in, it starts to whistle, and my room is right beside the furnace/laundry room, so it keeps waking me up. Go figure, I sleep through alarms but I wake up to that.

Found a new show to watch on Netflix but in the same breath I have also started TWD from the beginning again — so weird seeing all these characters again! I miss most of them...

I flopped down on the floor today because I was sad and feeling very much defeated, plus the floor was closer than both the bed and the couch. While on the floor, I got this little photo shoot with my little girl Mimzy!

I feel like I’m starting to drown with everything. Every time I get to the surface for air, another wave comes crashing down knocking me back underwater scrambling to rise above...again.

Lead in:

More and more people were treating me like I had some kind of disease, or like I was being stuck up princess who was trying to keep secrets.

Some people were criticizing me for being out and spreading a virus when I’m sick, which I’m not. Others were starting to make jokes that were making me feel angry.

[deafening-speechlessness]

Day 4 of 365, 2019

I think things are finally starting to weigh me down. Nothing is more infuriating than not being heard, despite the growing amount of effort put in to trying to be heard.

So many people take for granted the little things.

Today I just kept to myself a little. Played some of the Smash Brothers Ultimate game on the switch, then decided to binge a couple shows on Netflix.

Played with my friends moms cat for a little when I went over to check on her, then finished signing up for an online course – mainly just to give me something to do.

Case worker FINALLY called back, and my friend/roommate was able to fill her in with how the appointment went with the speech pathologist, fingers crossed, that went well.

Lead in:

After several appointments with the local ENT, and many scopes later, he physically called a referral in to a highly sought after specialist who happens to have an almost year waiting list. At this point, we didn’t know what was wrong with me, just that I had no voice and I was very sad and frustrated with it.

With the ENT reaching out personally, he turned an almost year waiting list into 8 months. I was just really depressed at this point.

[deafening-speechlessness]

Day 3 of 365, 2019

The overwhelming amount of anxiety hitting me today has been nothing but debilitating.

The pain in the throat today is unbelievable and the frustration of not being able to project a voice, is starting to depress me again.

The speech pathologist has finally given me so vocal exercises to work on, but still keeps saying time. Furthermore, because of the continuing difficulty related to swallowing, she is looking into a swallow test of some sorts to see if there is anything to be concerned with.

I would just like for all the tests to finally stop, for the pain to go away and to finally have my voice back.

On the way back from my appointment, and after running errands, we ended up hitting a detour. I typically don’t think anything of a detour, but approaching this one, peaked my interest. At the corner where everyone needed to turn, there were a few cars that looked to be involved in a collision, however looking past that scene and down the highway a little further, there was what looked like at least a few other accidents spaced randomly down the road.

Upon getting home and looking for information on the scene we came across, we learned that there was only one accident being mentioned, and that 2 people had died as a result. The roads were fine, to you have to wonder, what we’re people doing to cause such chaos?!

Lead in:

After taking a leave of absence from work, I was able to apply for short term disability through my work insurance. What a headache that was! The initial case worker, was nothing but a dolt! All the documents were sent to him, and paperwork filled out, all of which clearly stated that I had no voice and that my vocal chords were the colour of fire trucks.

It took my friend/roommate to helping with reaching a supervisor that the idiot finally realized that calling me wasn’t going to help any. He was given a complete list of what my job requires me to do, and he finally said, “oh, well I guess she needs a voice for all that.”

[deafening-speechlessness]

Day 2 of 365, 2019

I was all cozy warm in bed, when my roommate comes in and tells me that the landlords were messaging her, and that the furnace wasn’t working so the place was colder than usual. I was staying in bed as long as I could, as it was roasting warm. I was almost back to sleep when my roommate calls me. She had gone to hockey and was missing one of her skates – I swear she would lose her head if it wasn’t attached. I ended up finding her skate in one of the most random places (it was behind the door in the laundry room) and was nice enough to actually go and drive the skate to her.

I ended up getting back home and just turned on the TV and curled up under a blanket and just zoned out. I was later distracted by my roommate who suggested going out for brunch. I was game. Really wasn’t in the mood to cook anything, plus it was just too cold to do much.

By end of day, most of the plans had been overlooked due to an unscheduled drop in at the my friend and roommates parents place, that as always, monopolized a significant more amount of time than planned. The heat however did get fixed, turns out the furnace just needed a new filter.

Lead in:

I ended up going taking a leave from work, as I finally got sick and tired of all the drama all because I have no voice. I was called in to a meeting, and was giving a last and final write up – which is funny, as I had never had a write up – and when I read the document I just shook my head and realized that if I don’t do something I’m screwed and out of a job. I ended up having all my drs, just say you need complete vocal rest, and you need to be away from work since they are obviously unwilling to accommodate. I am still so angry about it all to this very day.

[deafening-speechlessness]

Day 1 of 365, 2019

It’s been over a year and still no voice.

The frustration has become too much and I don’t know what else to do, so I have decided to write about it.

Yesterday was a frustrating end of the year. The day started by getting up late, so in turn I was running behind schedule. I got over that, and grabbed some food and hit the road.

It would have been a great day, but one of the party was completely harshing the vibes all day. Was a big disappointment.

I always get asked about my voice, and when it’s coming back and what will I do if it never comes back. I got tired and frustrated to the who asked me this, yet again, and simply replied, “I don’t think about that because it sets off my anxiety!” All I know is that I am undergoing several therapies to aid in recovery, and have been told time and patience.

I understand inquiring minds, but it is extremely frustrating to hear the same questions, comments and jokes all the time. You think you’re so smart, but you are certainly NOT the first person, and you’re definitely getting on my last nerve.

I decided this morning, that I was going to stop letting people walk all over me, and I am going to start to ‘speak’ my mind, so to speak. Let’s see how well this plays out...

Each day at the end of the post I will add a small snippet of what lead up to today.

By the way, I have what they call, muscle tension dysphonia. It sucks! It started out as what I thought was laryngitis from a cold, but when the cold cleared up, the voice never returned. I struggled at work with the new limitations, and as much as I tried to make it work, things just progressively got worse. My so called “work family” turned out to be selfish butt munches.