daydreameilyah

[daydreameilyah]

Need to get this off my chest somewhere no one personally knows me.

To be honest I told myself if I chose him and leave everything I knew behind that I was not allowed regret. I wanted happiness and freedom from everything negative in my life before him. But the cost also was time. The time I could have had with those I loved had become so few after leaving, eventually I felt like a stranger and the chaos I once was accustomed to became a headache and I quit letting it near. The cost was so great that I made myself isolated it became so natural that life was empty and quiet. The time I allowed to slip swallowed up memories that could have been. I became so empty and lonely but still I told myself not to regret. I knew the moment I did just how shattered and broken I’d be, knowing how I lost so much choosing this path, knowing I’d regret letting those who cared for me just one day die away without making enough memories to sustain my today, I knew it break me. I am down to two people who unconditionally care about me once time swallows them I’ll be so alone I’m terrified. Choosing him has made me so so very lonely. Love once felt enough but we live in the same house like strangers, we don’t talk, we don’t fight, share a bed when he wishes and go back to separate corners. Yet love each other… what was it that made me strong to uproot… why can’t we be together… share a dinner table for once… talk would be nice, texting has become our conversation yet it’s so hard to reach him and he’s just in another room… I don’t need him to spend money for an excuse to hang out… we live like some old couple but I’ve become so used to it I don’t know how to escape it together… it’s not like he has the same wants all he needs is his dog and gaming… I am already 30 and he 41 what was it like when I was 19 in love and he was 30 my world. This isn’t peace it’s so lonely to be that… if we never fought all these years does that really mean you cared enough? He has his friends and family here… what do I have, a chair… a bed… my cats… my tears from all this depressing loneliness I have no idea what it is I want, if I speak up you think I want to leave or divorce. Then you ask me what I want… but how can I know what that is when this is all you gave me… I don’t know how to be in the right kind of relationship with you. You were my first and I no longer remember how it once was. All I know now is that I’m sad and lonely. I won’t allow regret because I know once I feel it I might do something stupid to escape it.

[daydreameilyah]

Automotive Museum

[daydreameilyah]

Automotive Museum

[daydreameilyah]

Automotive Museum

[daydreameilyah]

Automotive Museum

[daydreameilyah]

Automotive Museum

[daydreameilyah]

Automotive Museum

[daydreameilyah]

Automotive Museum

[daydreameilyah]

Automotive Museum