darthseven77

[darthseven77]

im tired of fighting...

i dont have anymore fight left in me...im going to keep doing chemo because i dont know what else to do...but i just feel absolutely done with life...im tired of being the good guy and being the miserable one...

[darthseven77]

im done...

im 28...ive been fighting cancer for five years. in that time ive been on around eight chemos...what can i say ive lost count...

im so tired of fighting and getting no where. the only two women i have ever loved have left me and told me theres no future with me.

why should i keep trying...im such pain and misery not just from emotional scars but from the chemo.

the chemo im currently on has left almost every finger scabbed on the tips and nothing seems to be making them better. i have sores all over my legs and all my doctor can say is well thats a side effect and we have to wait it out.

i want to be done so bad...but maybe everyones right and there isnt a future with me.

i could really use some help if anyones listening, i dont know what else to do anymore.

[darthseven77]

i never know what to title this stuff

dont really know what to type about but im just kind of in the mood to type.

feeling really lonely tonight and its not even that late. keep thinking and wondering if im actually going to find someone who is even remotely interested in me. is there anyone out there that can look past the fact that i have cancer. everyday i try so hard just to survive and stay alive itd be amazing if i wasnt judged on having a disease i had no choice in getting. but its whatever i guess, i just hope the next woman i end up with doesnt lie to me about cancer not being an issue.

on the plus side in the few hours i was awake today i beat some more bosses in dark souls 3. so thats a positive lol.

i think thats all i got for now.

[darthseven77]

Escape from Tourian Metroid Painting by AstralTigerArt

[darthseven77]

day two of blogging

pretty uneventful day. im kind of enjoying blogging though its nice to have a place to just lets words pour out.

tried getting my stock stuff today but pnc fucked that all up so i get to do that in the morning so hopefully that goes better and doesnt take too long.

its odd i thought i would miss tiffany more but i almost feel relieved i guess she wasnt the one, but hey what are ya gonna do.

thats it for today i guess im just going to keep it short and try to figure out what to put for tags on this lol

[darthseven77]

I don’t want to die. But I don’t want to live either.

[darthseven77]

might as well blog?

so ive thought about typing out things that happen in my life for awhile now but i just never saw a point. well, maybe now is a good place to start.

so april 19th was a great day for me. it marked five years of me surviving my cancer surgery. i was pretty happy with that considering i didnt think id make it out three years after that.

but of course today 4/21/2016 my fiance’ decides to end things because theres no future with me because odds are im not getting better from my cancer. so as it stands im about as numb as hell right now not knowing where to go with my life.

obviously im going to still keep fighting cancer...ive been suicidal before of course but i havnt come this far fighting cancer to give up and go out with suicide. it really makes me wonder though am i even meant to find someone to spend my life with? my last girlfriend left me for similar reasons and now i lose my fiance to this. im ready to give up on dating all together it just feels like no one will ever understand the pain i go through and how hard i try just moving forward from day to day. 

if anyone reads this it would be nice to talk to someone...