darkside72388

[darkside72388]

Continued

Part 2

We tried, I tried. It was working for a bit, we got away and went on vacation. Thinking maybe Harry Potter had some magic to bring us closer. Success was temporary, i was committed however i was treated as a roommate. I asked and asked for attention, some sort of affection. Same request and same response. Nothing changed. As weird as it sound, I just wanted to be held . To be loved. So I started to love myself more.

New work , new opportunities to grow. In the midst of this a smile caught my attention. Simple conversations had meaning, the way she looked at me. It was all new to me. She listened and brought out a happy me.

I decided, difficult decision and one that would change it all. I was honest, upfront. I ended my 12 year relationship. It was brutal. So much hurt thrown around , tear filled arguments. I lost my love and my best friend. My only friend. I destroyed someone who was by my side for so long. We destroyed each other, enough was enough. We outgrew each other. Simple but heartbreaking. My heart sank completely.

The smile that caught my attention. Late hours talking about it all. Past , present and what we look forward in the future. Deep into the night we spent time together and got to know each other. I felt connected.

A last minute left turn. A bowling alley. A 12pk of Michelob Ultra and 4 hours of conversation. Who would've thought. Simple yet important. A new friend , I broke her heart before we even started. I could see the pain in her eyes when I told her I was choosing someone else.

M n J for 3 months, it was great. A connection like no other. She brought out all the emotions I never knew I had Met the I In laws , I spent Christmas and Thanksgiving there. I fell hard. A few days later it was over. It was painful.

Loss ,over time I understood that regardless of what's going on, loss will be consistent. The tattoo is a reminder that I will always feel that heart sinking feeling. Yet I continue to live. No matter how hard the hit , I always have to keep moving forward.

[darkside72388]

Part - 1 It hit me, I had felt it before but I never understood what it really was until that day. Prayers couldn’t save her, neither could a belief in God. I saw her grow weaker as the days turned to weeks then into months. Nothing could save her, my grandma passed away. I was 15 and understood loss for the 1st time and met this feeling…my heart sank. Not long I met my first true friend, slowly I began to heal. My anger grew , I could not get rid of it. However she showed me that I could still enjoy things despite of this anger. She embraced the angry me and I began to love for the first time. We got separated after graduation. I was 18… my heart sank a little more. We found a way to be together , times were tough. I had to hit a growth spurt mentally to keep this alive. Love was conquering all at this point. I was romantic, young and hopeful. I saw a glimpse of what we could be and that was enough to keep me working and sacrificing my body and time. We started to build slowly and things were looking up…..then I became selfish. I lost sight of what got us there, I neglected her, took advantage of trust. I became a nightmare. She saw the dark side of me and it hurt her. We were 25…my heart sank again. The inevitable happened, divorce. My parents were going their separate ways and as an only child I tried to hold on to one of the few things I had left. They hurt each other and all I could do was watch. Having me was the reason their young lives had stumbled. My father was unfaithful and my mother neglectful. Those two characteristics defined me , I used them to destroy my best friend, my lover. We searched for a new beginning, we moved to start our own life. We were 26. Family split up, I’m away from it all. I lay at night thinking and in tears. The nightmares come at me in waves and I can’t seem to rest. She seems more distant than usual. Nothing I do is right, yet I continue to try. She has reached out to her past, her first love. I catch her in a lie and she says she has to talk to someone about me because this is not working. I’m not allowed to be vulnerable and weak for a month. I was told “you need to stop sulking because I can’t take this” I’m 26, i swallow my tears. I bury my pain and my heart sinks more. I am not enough.

[darkside72388]

Nightmares

For as long as I remember I've had nightmares, looking back I realized that it is usually before something happens in my life or when I get reminded about a bad memory. At this specific point in my life it is very hard to distinguish which one triggered the nightmares. The more we gain means the more we have to lose. These dreams remind me of loss every single time. We all experience it one way or another and that is normal. However that sinking feeling we get is what wakes me up. During my sleep it hits me and I wake up, out of breath and exhausted. I guess I will give it a little bit of time and see which one opened the door.

[darkside72388]

Silver Medal

I've realized that time doesn't heal, it simply helps us accept what we know. I won't ever be enough for anyone and that's ok. I'll always be a second choice, a backup option. A silver medal. However I will always be good enough for myself. I can lose all of this and it will hurt extremely but I'd survive. I'm learning to be honest with myself because it helps me enjoy the moment. Nothing lasts, it all fades. So I'm trying to enjoy what is now.

[darkside72388]

Time

I'm a few weeks away from 30, I've thought alot about what I've changed in my life and what I haven't. So many things and people that I have walked away from. I've realized that I must commit to this change or I'll end up fucking it up like everything else for the past 29 years. I may not have to end up alone like originally planned. I've already spent my life living half undone.