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daniellegibbons-blog1 · 6 years ago

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please just help.

7 years ago i had a baby. she was a stillborn and her name was scarlett. scar for short. scars father and i were not in each others lives considering we were both in other relationships (not when i got pregnant) and what we had was just sex to him but he was my best friend soulmate.

a year after scars death i decided to contact him and tell him what happened. im a shit person for waiting so long but i had just started to process it and thought he deserved to know. he was married or engaged or something. they would soon be married.

i told him everything and he confessed he had always been in love with me. hes the only man i have ever loved. (im a lesbian) but not for him. he told me the reason he stopped talking to me was because when we were fooling around he was just using me for sex and then he fell in love with me and he didnt know what to do bc thats never happened before to him. he shoved all those feelings away and when he found out ab scar, they all came back.

i was going to get a tattoo for scarlett. i asked him to come with me. i said his girl could come too. she messaged me. told me how amazing she thought i was and how she was so supportive of me and him being in each others lives. she seemed so sweet.

my tattoo appointment comes up. my first tattoo. my best friend at the time was there but i kept waiting for him. he never showed up. i didnt hear from him for 6 months.

6 months later he contacted me. he told me his wife hated me. that she was jealous of me. made him choose that day between her and me. he chose her because i was taken by who is now my wife. he was deployed and said she wouldnt ever know we were talking. i felt horrible so i told her he was texting me even though i knew it meant we couldnt talk anymore. i knew if it was me i would want to know.

we didnt speak for almost another year. he contacted me first again. told me he wasnt happy with her. and he hadnt been since he found out ab scar. that he wanted to be with me. wanted to have a family with me like we were supposed to have. i didnt tell his wife this time because i missed him so much. i did tell my wife the things he said. and let her know that i was not saying these things in return.

we spoke for a few years behind his wifes back. he would constantly complain ab her to me. cry while sober and drunk that he wishes she was me. or how he hates himself for letting me go. we talked ab scar a lot. we cried together a lot. i fell back in love with him. but not romantically. if that makes sense.

he told me he made it clear to his wife that he didnt love her. that he loved me. that he didnt want a family or a marriage with anyone but me. but yet they still stayed together.

he got deployed again and i didnt hear from him. but she blocked me from all of his social media. he still messaged me the minute he got back. before he even messaged her. we continued to talk behind her back.

he filed for separation. told her to leave and move home and she did. a year or so ago. we were finally able to talk whenever and not just when he was out or she was sleeping. he filed for divorce 6 months after separation. i was so happy. not for being the driving reason a marriage broke up but because he was my best friend in the entireworld. the father of my child. the only person who knew everything about me and the only person i felt 10000% comfortable with.

over the past year we have gotten so close. i cant live without him. when he goes out to sea its so hard. my wife is supportive she knows hes my best friend.

its a week before thanksgiving 2018. we were telling eachother our holiday schedules so we knew when wed be free to talk. we were scheduling me to go visit him for scars bday. we havent seen eachother since she was conceived.

i havent heard from him since then.

he slowly blocked me on everything. down to instagram and snapchat. but not my phone number im pretty sure. ive been in a constant state of anxiety since the last time he spoke to me.

i have anxiety. clinical depression. ptsd from countless traumas. and borderline personality disorder. hes the only person who has taken the time to train himself to know exactly what i need in the event of any kind of mental breakdown and hes not here anymore.

a few months ago i asked him if he was with this girl. i wanted him to say yes because i really wanted him to be happy. he said no. i pressed and he insisted they were just friends. i let it go.

tonight i saw that she posted a picture of them kissing in front of a christmas tree. i started crying on the floor next to my bed so i wouldnt wake up my wife because i am hyperventalating. i cant breathe and i cant understand why because this is what i wanted. but he promised a relationship wouldnt ever get in between us again.

so why has he cut me off. why hasnt he spoken to me. is it her. is it his soon to be ex wife threatening to say he was cheating on her w me bc she said she would do that. i cant help thinking im a fucking failure once again and the person i could ALWAYS count on is the one who is making me feel this way now.

my friends are telling me hes an asshole. not to care. to just get over the friendship and let him go and that shit happens. yeah i know. all my friends leave but he isnt my “friend”. hes everything. hes my person.

im heartbroken like i have never been before and i still only want to talk to him about it like he isnt the one who is doing this to me.

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