dangerouslydisquieting-blog

[dangerouslydisquieting-blog]

i need you

Words: 600

Warnings: Angst, suicide/suicidal thoughts/actions, mental illness, anxiety *SPOILER* major character death

Summary: anon asked:  Could you do an "I need you" prompt for andreil?

Background: Neil and Andrew are on the same team, they’ve bought an apartment together, it’s been at the v least 10 years since TKM. It’s off-season, meaning no Exy, just practice.  

Neil had woken up to the smell of coffee brewing and cigarette smoke wafting in through the apartment. He turned and stretched, his arm brushing against King’s fur, the cat had been sitting on the warmth that Andrew’s body heat had left. Meaning he couldn’t have been up long. 

Neil got up and padded to their bathroom to pee and change. He walked out to see Andrew sitting at the kitchen table still smoking, Sir curled up by his ankles. 

“Morning.” Andrew just nodded back at Neil. Neil smiled softly and rolled his eyes. Neil took a sip of Andrew’s coffee and grabbed a water bottle from the counter. ���Going for a run. See you.” He kissed Andrew’s temple and made his way out.

This had been their morning routine for the past year or so. Andrew would wake up and brew himself coffee and light a cigarette. Neil would wake after him and go on his 2 hour run, 1 hour when it wasn’t off-season. He always left with a “Going for a run. See you.” or a “Run. Bye.” or “Gonna run. Later.” alongside a kiss. 

It was routine. It was normal. It was supposed to be ok.

Neil was still a ten minute run away from home when he’d got the call. 

It was Andrew - normal. 

The type of call - not so much. 

Neil picked up, it was silent on the other end, a normal start to one of Andrew’s calls. 

“’Drew?” Neil had slowed to a fast walk, still panting from his run. 

The speaker crackled signaling Andrew exhaling. “I’m…” Andrew was lightly grinding his teeth, “I’m gonna do something dumb.”

Neil raised a brow, “Whaddoyou mean?” 

“Neil, I don’t - not…safe.” Neil slowed to a stop. 

“Andrew?” 

“Abram, you have to…” Neil’s heart was racing, not just because of the run. “Don’t let me -” 

“Andrew, don’t move. Don’t - don’t do anything. I’m coming.” 

“I’m sorry.” Andrew hung up.

Neil’s heart skipped a beat. 

He ran faster than he ever had - faster than when he was on the run or on a court.

But not fast enough.

“Andrew!” Neil yelled as soon as he got the apartment door open, he ran to their room, “Andrew!” No answer. The bathroom light was on, the door closed. Neil tried it, it was locked. 

“AndREW!” Neil pounded on the door, before remembering the lock-pick over the doorframe of their bedroom door. He ran back, grabbed it, and ran to the bathroom again. 

There was so much blood. 

Neil’s mouth trembled. He breathed through his mouth to keep from gagging. He was already dialing 911. 

“911, what’s your emergency?” 

Neil had seen blood, that wasn’t what shook him. It was the sheer amount. Andrew lay unconscious, his face ashen, unresponsive. 

“Andrew - Andrew, oh my god, Andrew” ˆ

Neil had seen blood. Neil knew what blood loss meant. Neil knew how much blood a body could lose and still survive. 

“Hello? What’s your emergency?”

Neil had seen blood. Neil knew what blood loss meant. Neil knew how much blood a body could lose and not survive. 

“Andrew, please. Andrew. No, Andrew.” 

Neil knew. 

“I need you.”

He hung up the phone. 

[dangerouslydisquieting-blog]

I can’t do This

Words: 800 

Warnings: Angst

Summary: Anon asked:  "I can't do this" for andreil pls!

Neil made the trek up the stairs to the roof, his legs felt heavier the higher he got. They ended abruptly until he was standing in front of the black metal door. He stood, staring at the door, willing himself to just do it. 

He brought his hand to the metal bar and pushed, the door felt like it weighed a ton, as if there was something behind it, stopping Neil from opening it all the way. 

His chest felt tight and he hadn’t even seen Andrew yet. He took a deep breath and moved away from the doorway. He ignored how his breath stuttered at the end of his exhale. 

He saw Andrew leaning against the ledge of the roof, his back to Neil. He hadn’t turned when the door opened or shut, not acknowledging Neil in any way. 

Neil pursed his lips forcefully, before running a hand down the bottom half of his face. He cleared his throat. He opened his mouth to call out Andrew’s name, it took him three tries before he could get it out. 

Andrew didn’t turn, just shifted, showing rather than telling Neil that he had his attention. 

“I’m, uh, I’m s-” Neil stopped short. Was he sorry? 

He tried again “I don’t…think that, uh, this is gonna work out.” 

Andrew didn’t move for a second and then turned his head to the side where Neil’s voice was coming from. 

Neither of them said anything. Neil waiting on Andrew. Andrew waiting for Neil. 

Neil took another deep breath, this time his breath stuttering earlier, almost like a hiccup. “I don’t think that w-we’re gonna work.” Neil bit the inside of his bottom lip, Andrew wouldn’t have liked him repeating himself. 

Andrew turned, but as soon as Neil saw the corner of Andrew’s eyebrows he looked away from his face. He couldn’t do this looking at Andrew’s eyes. He always knew what Andrew was feeling as soon as he saw his eyes. No matter how easily Andrew hid everything from everyone else, it was just as easy for Neil to understand him. 

Neil had never hated it before, but now…

Neil’s eyes locked on Andrew’s shoulder, covered in a black sweater. He was still waiting for a reaction, a response, anything. His eyes dropped to look at Andrew’s arm, down to the cigarette still burning in his hand, the ash dropping by Andrew’s shoes, forgotten. 

Andrew still hadn’t said anything.

Neil was tired. 

“I can’t do this.” 

I can’t do this.  

Andrew’s nose burned. It was a foreign feeling. His nostrils flared at the sensation. His eyebrows scrunched in confusion as water? filled his eyes. He blinked it away, not letting it fall. 

I can’t do this.  

Neil could only wait for a response. He wasn’t looking straight at Andrew. He didn’t think he could follow through if he saw Andrew’s face. He knew that as soon as he did, he would either take back his words or yell them louder than he’d ever want to talk to Andrew. 

I can’t do this.  

Andrew kept staring at Neil’s form, replaying his last words over and over again. His nose began stinging again. No amount of blinking was making his blurred vision any better. 

Neil took a breath, still waiting. He pursed his lips, his hand flexing. After another 30 seconds of nothing. He nodded to Andrew, or rather, towards Andrew. He didn’t say anything more, but straightened. 

I can’t do this.  

Andrew felt a single tear drop. It fell quickly, hot and wet, down his cheek and dripped off his chin. He bit the inside of his cheek to stop himself, but he couldn’t help himself. 

Andrew took a sharp breath in, Neil paused as he heard it. 

“There is no this.” 

It came out violent. Flung at Neil like a smack across his face. Andrew would never touch Neil. But Andrew never had to touch him to hurt Neil the way he just did 

He was always so violent. Everything he touched, destroyed. Why did he think a relationship would be any different? Why was he under the impression that Neil Josten would be any different? 

Neil didn’t respond, his face crumpled as he turned. 

He didn’t look back as he walked out. 

The door shut with a soft ‘click’ as another tear fell. 

I can’t do this.  

[dangerouslydisquieting-blog]

Another

Words: 1.7k

Warnings: panic attack

Summary: Anon asked:  Ok I love you and I need a bit of angst, so: Andrew being unable to ground Neil from a really bad panic attack, and him just watching Neil descend into a very dark place.. Thank you!

It started out slow.

That should have been Andrew’s first clue.

They were usually triggered by something or someone, but Andrew couldn’t figure out what was causing this one. They came and went, Andrew murmuring words of assurance, at the worst, placing his hand on Neil’s neck until he calmed.

No one else was near them.

That should have been his second clue.

“Neil?”

—

They were watching TV when Neil got up. Andrew didn’t pay any mind, he probably had to use the bathroom, or get water. Nothing was wrong. Andrew didn’t have reason to think anything was wrong.

It wasn’t until Neil had been gone for more than 2 commercial breaks that Andrew called out to him.

He didn’t hear a response, but figured that Neil just couldn’t hear him.

King made his way out of their room. He stood in the doorway until Andrew looked at him. King sat and stared right at Andrew.

It wasn’t uncommon but something about it made Andrew’s brow furrow. He got up and made his way into their room.

Neil wasn’t in their room, but Andrew noticed their bathroom light on, but the door ajar. He knocked once as he opened the door further.

Neil was standing in front of the sink, his hands gripping the counter. His breath was coming in slowed, as if he were having trouble getting enough air into his lungs. His eyes were unfocused, far away.

—

“Neil?”

Neil made no motion to suggest that he’d heard Andrew or even knew Andrew had come in.

“Neil. You’re safe.”

Neil’s breath was coming in shallower.

“Abram.” Andrew raised his voice. Neil could usually communicate with him when he got like this.

That was Andrew’s first clue.

Neil flinched violently as Andrew brought his hand up to place it on Neil’s neck. Andrew ignored it in favor of grounding Neil.

That was his first mistake.

Neil’s eyes hardened, his shoulders tensed. He turned swiftly. He brought up a hand and twisted Andrew’s arm back painfully.

That was Andrew’s second, what should have been his fourth, and final clue.

There was no talking Neil out of this one.

Andrew took a slow breath, he wasn’t going to hurt Neil.

Judging by the iron grip on his wrist, Neil didn’t seem to have the same reservation.

“What do you want?” Nathaniel growled.

Andrew shook his head, “This isn’t you.”

Nathaniel shook him, Andrew’s arm protested, if he pulled any harder, the shoulder would dislocate.

“Abram.”

“Neil isn’t here.”

The hair at the back of Andrew’s neck stood on end. His breath sped up, “Neil.”

“It’s Nathaniel.”

“Neil.”

Nathaniel let him go, pushing him away. Andrew stumbled, caught himself on the corner of the sink. He turned back to see Nathaniel looking at him in disgust. “He’s not Neil.”

Andrew’s ears rung. It was silent as they both stared at one another, waiting for the other to make the next move.

“…Neil. Abram. Josten.”

Nathaniel’s eyes narrowed. His jaw clenched.

“You are Neil Abram Josten.”

Nathaniel’s hands balled to fists. Clenching and unclenching.

“Nathaniel Wesninski died with his father. “

Nathaniel’s breathing started coming in labored again, the same way it had been when Andrew had first walked in,

“Nathaniel Wesninski is dead. Leave him buried.”

Neil slid to the ground, his back to the doorjamb. He whimpered, his form shaking.

A chill shook Andrew’s frame for a second, he wasn’t going to let Neil know how much that had affected him. He took a breath and walked towards his Neil.

He knelt, Neil’s breathing accelerated.

Andrew stepped back. He didn’t know what to do. He hadn’t felt this helpless in a long time.

He hated it.

He took a shaky breath of his own. The cats were in their room, watching the scene unfold, not interrupting.

Andrew took another step back until his legs hit the tub. He sat gently, worrying a lip between his teeth. There was no talking Neil out of this one. They just had to ride this one out. But that didn’t mean Andrew wouldn’t be there for Neil,

But that didn’t mean he had to like it.

Anonymous asked:

Can you please write a resolution to the one where Andrew can't help Neil out of his panic attack? I really need it

A resolution…to the…unresolvable…

you drive a hard bargain dear, I’ll take it

Andrew sat on the tub for an hour before shifting to the ground where he waited another 2 hours.

He had started tapping on the tile 20 minutes ago. He had noticed that Neil’s breathing had slowed when he’d done so, and hadn’t stopped since.

Neil’s vision came back first, the darkness faded until he saw color again. His hands came into focus, he stared at them in wonder, as his hearing returned. The ringing ceased and he heard a tapping, but chose to ignore it.

He stretched his legs out from where he’d had his knees drawn to his chest. His thighs burned and his back was protesting his cramped position. How long had he been sitting like that for it to hurt so bad?

He took a deep, shuddering breath. He straightened his back and stretched, King came by and brushed against his side.

Neil’s heartbeat throbbed in his ears, but that too subsided until he was left to figure out where the tapping was coming from. He turned his head to see Andrew sitting on the ground, his back to the tub. He looked bored, tapping away steadily against the tile by his side.

Neil cocked his head to the side, wondering why Andrew was sitting in their bathroom, and why he was on the ground too.

“Hey.”

Andrew didn’t respond, but he wasn’t ignoring Neil, more like…waiting to see what would happen.

Neil cleared his throat noisily, he hummed, “What’re we doing?”

Andrew’s brow furrowed the slightest bit, then he stopped tapping.

Neil stopped breathing. It felt like his heart had stopped beating. He gasped for air, then all of a sudden stopped, his breath slowed, his hearing picking up the steady tapping again.

“Wha- What’s going on?” He gasped at Andrew.

“You had a panic attack.”

It was silent as Neil breathed. Outside a car honked once, prolonged, the farther it got, the quieter it became.

“Ok…that happens, what - tapping?”

“You weren’t responding.” Andrew looked at his own lap as he said this, not meeting Neil’s eyes. “I tried to help, but it didn’t work. So I had to, wait it out.”

Neil’s brows raised in question, he didn’t say anything, but Andrew rolled his eyes anyway.

Andrew hadn’t stopped tapping, he looked down at his hand, then to Neil. Neil nodded. Andrew tapped a few more times steadily, then slower, fading out. Neil’s chest tightened, but he was prepared this time. The tapping stopped, and Neil breathed in deeply. His breath hitched, but he was fine.

“What happened?” Neil asked verbally, this time.

Andrew stared at Neil, he didn’t think Neil would want to know.

“Andrew.”

Andrew let out a silent breath, “You…had me pinned, but I wasn’t gonna hurt you. You didn’t know what you were doing. It’s ok.”

Neil looked devastated, his brow was scrunched in worry, “I hurt you?”

“No dumbass, I’m fine.”

“Andrew, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean - I would never - “

“It wasn’t you.”

“Andrew - It doesn’t -”

“It was him.”

Neil’s gasped for breath for a second time.

He didn’t have to think long about what Andrew meant.

He was always at the back of his mind.

He was the reason Neil wasn’t sure about anything.

And He was why, when Andrew offered Neil a hand up, Neil could only stare unseeingly, unfocused, until Andrew moved out of his way.

He needed to do something about him.

asked: Um EXCUSE ME? "Resolution"???? Pls cont. if you can!

…and here’s part 3 you thirsty motherfuckers

“I don’t…remember.”

Andrew looked at him worriedly, or as worriedly as Andrew could look. “Nothing?”

Neil thought about it again, “We were watching Harry Potter and then…I woke…I came to? On the floor of the bathroom? That’s all I remember.”

Andrew didn’t say anything for a moment. He looked lost in thought, Neil wasn’t sure what he was thinking. He didn’t know what to think himself.

He’d been on the couch one second and then darkness and then the bathroom. What did that mean?

“You need to talk to someone.”

Neil took a second to stop sorting his muddled thoughts and processed what Andrew had said. “Excuse me?”

“You heard me.”

“And what makes you think -”

“Neil. This isn’t a fucking game. Take it seriously. I think,” Andrew’s words rushed, “ -something could be really wrong and I don’t think there’s any way I can help you in the long run.”

“Andrew what the fuck?”

“I mean it.”

“So do I.”

“You don’t - You don’t remember anything.”

“So? I was probably tired. I -”

“Don’t.”

“-’m fine.”

“No you’re not.”

“Andrew!?”

Andrew grit his teeth. “He. He said ‘he’s not Neil’ when I called you Neil.”

Neil paused, confused, “What?”

Andrew breathed in, “N-Nathaniel said ‘He’s not Neil.’ when I called you Neil.”

Neil scrunched his eyebrows, he didn’t say anything.

“Listen - I haven’t been afraid,” Andrew hesitated on the word,” - much in my life, but…”

“You’re afraid of me?”

“For you.” Andrew opened his mouth again, “Trauma like yours - it, it leaves destruction in its wake.”

“Andrew, you never beat around the bush, just say what you’re trying to say.”

Andrew looked into Neil’s eyes for a moment, “You need professional help.”

“…you think I’m crazy?”

“You think I’m crazy?” Andrew shot back.

“I - No, Andrew that’s not -”

“Me either. I mean it though. Just…please.”

Neil’s gaze fell. “Why - What do you think is wrong with me?”

“I think you know Neil.”

“I don’t -”

“We won’t know until you get help.”

This wasn’t the first time Andrew had suggested it. It probably wasn’t even the 20th.

But it was the first time he was implying that there could seriously be something wrong with Neil. The first that he’d said please. The first that he had said he was afraid for Neil. And the first that Andrew had insisted so much.

Neil breathed in - 

Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality Disorder) : A disorder characterized by the presence of two or more distinct personality states.

[dangerouslydisquieting-blog]

re: NCAA

Words: 900

Warnings:  rape/non-con, abuse, self-harm mention, scars, panic attack

Summary: Anon asked:  Omg ok so like a month ago I read a post that basically asked "what if Proust filmed everything he did to Andrew and then it somehow got out?" I'm in the mood for angst and tbh you're the angst queen so what are your thoughts on that?

It was hot.

There was an almost fire-like heat making its way up Andrew’s spine. He could feel his face flushing, he was tempted to throw his shirt off for a second. He couldn’t breathe. The room, the locker room, was going in and out of focus. He could feel Neil near him, but he couldn’t see him. He could feel Neil moving, maybe saying something, but he couldn’t hear him.

Dan’s phone, that Andrew had snatched from her, was still in his hand. The screen had timed-out, dark and silent.

He could hear his breathing, harsh, even to him, echoing. He tried closing his mouth to quiet himself, but he was hyperventilating.

Neil must have tried to make the upperclassmen leave, but it was a futile attempt because Nicky had barged in with Aaron and Kevin a second later.

He’d seen the phones out, but hadn’t realized the tension in the room. “Are we watching favorite vines, ‘cuz mine’s everything by Thomas Sanders ever, hands down.”

Nicky came up behind Matt, who still had his phone. Matt was staring at his screen, the video had stopped playing, it was paused on a blurry shot with a replay button right over it. His face was ashen, he couldn’t look away, couldn’t move.

“Is that an email?” Nicky asked in confusion. “From - the NCAA?”

Kevin’s interest piqued, he came up behind Matt’s other side. When Matt didn’t move, Kevin pressed the replay button.

It started off with the camera not steady, it was moving to and fro, blurry so nothing stood out.

And then it focused on a pale wrist - handcuffed to a metal rail, a hospital bed. The camera zoomed in on the wrist and then up the forearm. Scars upon scars, some small and clean, others big and jagged, all healed over, but no less haunting,

The camera zoomed out and they saw a blue hospital gown first, then blond hair, hollow, empty eyes, and Nicky gasped.

The camera traveled down his face to his torso and it became apparent that the video was not being taken off the bed, but rather, from on top of Andrew.

Kevin made a strangled noise before backing away.

The video continued on, the person filming was straddling Andrew. Andrew had an impassive expression, but anyone could see the pleading look in his eyes.

The man - it became apparent as he started talking - was narrating.

He scoffed a laugh, then whispered, “Sleep well, Andrew?”

Andrew didn’t respond. But his eyes narrowed infinitesimally,

“No, I don’t suppose I let you, did I?”  

Matt had his eyes closed, still unmoving.

“Come on, A.J.”

Anger flashed across Andrew’s eyes for a split second. But it was gone, smothered another second later.

“There he is.” The man whispered.

Neil’s skin crawled. He was going to be sick.

There was a rustling from the phone, the man was moving.

Neil was staring at the wall. The room was still, silent. Then from the phone - Andrew’s breath hitched.

Aaron moved and snatched Matt’s phone from his hand and threw it across the room.

Apparently he’d either managed to close the phone or it had cracked with the force, no sound was coming from it now.

The silence was broken by Andrew’s hitched breaths.

Aaron clenched his jaw so hard, Neil heard his teeth grinding under the pressure. He had a thunderous expression on his face, Neil hadn’t seen him so angry since his trial, when Andrew was retelling his side of the story.

Nicky had been staring uncomprehendingly when it had started, as it progressed his face had crumpled, his vision blurry with tears, and the room washed in red as he realized what was happening.

Neil could feel the onset of his own panic attack, but knew Andrew needed him more than any “all my fault”s running through his head.

Neil bit his lip hard enough to ground himself. He didn’t know what to do. He looked around the room but no one would meet his eyes, until Allison locked eyes with him.

She was calm and collected, unlike anyone else in the room. She nodded slightly at Neil and then turned to Renee.

Renee had tear tracks down her face. Allison took her hand and led her out of the locker room.

Dan grasped her own phone, still in Andrew’s hand, he didn’t resist as she slipped it out from his loose hold on it. She grabbed Matt’s arm and towed him out behind her a second later.

Nicky was crying. His face crumpled as the tears fell. He hid his face in his hands for a second before rushing to the bathroom.

The blood had drained from Kevin’s face. He met Neil’s eyes and then backed up and out of the locker room after confirming with Neil that he wasn’t needed.

Aaron stood in front of Andrew. Neil’s jaw was starting to hurt just by seeing how hard Aaron had his clenched. “Why didn’t - I’m gonna -”

“Aaron.” Neil spoke softly, Aaron glared at him, but Neil just shook his head at him, gesturing to Andrew’s state.

Aaron winced. He sighed, his fist clenching and unclenching. “He needs you.”

“I know.”

Aaron sighed again. Nicky came back and they left.

Neil walked to Andrew as noisily as he could, “Andrew?”

Andrew didn’t acknowledge him. He swallowed a few times and then managed to rush to the nearest trash can and emptied his stomach.

Neil could do nothing but watch.

[dangerouslydisquieting-blog]

Anger

Words: 900

Warnings: N/A

Summary:  Andrew was no stranger to anger. He knew what rage and frustration and hate looked like...but not on Neil

Ao3

Neil dug his feet harder into the pavement as a wash of red overtook his vision. He sped up his already breakneck speed.

At this rate he was going to blow his legs out. But right now, it didn’t matter.

He was angry.

Neil clenched his jaw hard enough for his temples to pull and his jaw to creak with the force.

He was getting a headache from it, but that only served to make him angrier.

He tried to swallow around the lump in his throat, but that only made the lump swell until he couldn’t breathe.

So he didn’t.

Yes, it was said gruffly, slightly frustrated.

Andrew searched Neil’s eyes for a moment, then pushed Neil up against the wall of their bedroom door.

Their kisses were bruising and Andrew could taste blood.

Neil welcomed the pain as Andrew moved down his throat and left angry red marks that would very quickly become bruises from the force of his bites.

Neil groaned, his own hands in Andrew’s hair, pulling and tugging, but still conscious of the fact that Andrew didn’t like too much force. That was his thing. And they both respected that.

Neil bit his lip and Andrew clenched his lips, then teeth, around his right nipple.

Neil starting panting, his breath sounding harsh to his own ears and Andrew sank to his knees, dragging his nails down Neil’s stomach and sides, leaving angry red marks on his way.

Neil’s fists clenched.

He threw a punch.

And another.

And another.

And another.

Each punch made his jaw unclench by a fraction.

The ‘smack!’ of his knuckles hitting the punching bag were music to his ears.

He would be lying if he said he wasn’t imagining the bag as something or someone else. He’d also be lying if he said that the intensity and force of his punches weren’t changing depending on what his brain was supplying his imagination with.

He paused to catch his breath.

His arms felt heavy, as he tried to lift one to wipe at the sweat trickling down his temples.

His fingers twitched as he uncurled them from the tight fists he had them in.

He took a couple gulps of air, stepping back from the bag.

He sighed.

Then stepped forward again.

Neil’s fists clenched.

He threw a punch.

And another.

And another.

Neil’s lips trembled, his eyes burned and his nose stung.

Damnit, he muttered to himself through clenched teeth.

His hands tightened around the edge of the bathroom sink. He looked up at his reflection, his eyes red and his face splotchy.

He brought the heel of his palms to his eyes and pushed, wiping away the water leaking from his eyes.

He brought his hands down and still, his eyes were just as red as before.

A wave of rage hit him.

His hands fisted.

His jaw clenched.

His lips trembled, his eyes burned, and his nose stung.  

Damnit.

Harder. Neil grunted, his face in Andrew’s pillow.

Andrew obliged.

He bit his wrist to keep from being too loud. But the larger part of him wanted to yell and scream until he lost his voice.

Andrew had his hands on Neil’s hips, he moved one to Neil’s hair and pulled.

Neil growled - or moaned, he wasn’t entirely sure - Andrew pulled his hair harder. Enough to yank Neil’s head back with the force.

Yes.

Neil was in bed.

He was under the blankets.

It was silent.

Just the sound of Neil’s steady breathing.

Andrew made his way across the room to get to their bathroom.

When he got back, Neil hadn’t moved.

Neil usually snored if he was asleep. And he was breathing just a smidge quicker than if he’d been asleep.

Andrew paused, Neil

Nothing.

His brow furrowed. He moved closer to the Neil shaped mass in their bed.

He heard something that wasn’t Neil’s breathing.

Andrew raised a brow and took his phone out, hello he typed out and sent.

Neil’s phone pinged, and his music - the sound Andrew had heard - lessened in volume to signal the incoming text.

Neil didn’t move.

But his volume went up.

After a moment of consideration, Andrew sighed and left.

Neil was angry.

And not in a clenched jaw, seeing red kind of angry.

Or the - shaking with rage kind of angry

But he calm kind of angry.

Rather, the angry that manifested itself as calm.

The anger that was clawing its way through his core but without any sign of distress on his part. The anger that could only be read in the slightest reddening of the tips of his ears. Or the minute twitch of his fingers.

It was the most lethal, and unexplainable angry that Andrew had ever witnessed.

At least, on Neil.

Andrew was no stranger to anger. He knew what rage and frustration and hate looked like, He knew what they could result in. He had the scars. The physical and mental.

But watching Neil stand there not reacting in any way, for what looked like no reason, had Andrew questioning whether he’d ever truly seen rage in its most powerful form.

[dangerouslydisquieting-blog]

An Exchange of Sorts

Words: 1k

Warnings: N/A

Summary:  Andrew never failed to surprise Neil.

Ao3

Fox-Raven games at home were always the biggest games of the season for Palmetto. The most people came out to watch, they lasted the longest, they were usually the most fast-paced, and everyone knew it was much bigger than the players when it came to the Foxes vs. the Ravens.

This time was no different. It didn’t matter that it was only the beginning of the season, the Foxes practiced like they had everything to lose. The new recruits were tired of the extra practices and refused to show up for the one night practice that even Dan had asked them to come to.

Come game day the people came through. Raven fans mixed into the growing crowd of mostly orange. The fans were lined up to get in two hours before the game was set to start.

The players came out to the cheers and boos of the mixed crowd. It was the fast paced game they hd all come to watch. The price they paid for it, was no score.

Every time a Raven came close to the Foxes goal, Matt and their backliners shut them down, and if they got past them, Andrew didn’t flinch. And every time a Fox got close to the Ravens goal, their backliners made sure to push back with everything they had.

It was intense, the crowd ‘ooh’ing and ‘ahh’ing every time someone came close to making a goal. And when Andrew caught the ball by falling to his knees and stopping the ball under his knee guard the crowd was roaring.

Kevin was having a hard time getting past the Raven’s defense. Neil wasn’t faring much better. They were going hard, giving it their all and they still weren’t making any points. They had taken at least 4 shots at the goal, and each time Neil could feel the lump at the base of his throat growing.

The buzzer rang for half-time. The players made their way off the field. Wymack led them into the locker room.

“Okay,” he sighed, looking as tired as he sounded. “We got this.” It was said more to himself at first. “You got this.” He repeated, looking up into all their faces. “One goal. One point. Nothing we haven’t done before. Nothing you can’t handle -”

Neil had tuned Wymack out. His hearing was tunneling, he felt nauseous. He swallowed, his stomach turning. His brow furrowed in a grimace, what the hell was going on?

“-there and prove it.” Wymack’s words were the last thing Neil heard before he bolted for the bathroom.

“Neil?” Matt called after him, he started to go after him, but Andrew had started moving as soon as Neil had gotten up.

Andrew made his way behind Neil, stopping at the door to the stall where Neil was dry heaving. He watched unamused and only stepped back as Neil straightened and moved past him.  

Neil sighed at his reflection as he closed the tap. “ -‘m not good enough.” he muttered to himself, not entirely meaning for Andrew to hear.

Andrew didn’t say anything, just stood behind Neil, looking at him through his reflection. Neil sighed, he wasn’t sure what he was expecting, he didn’t think Andrew was going to reply anyway. He closed his eyes and let his head fall forward, his hands on the sink.

“Bullshit.” Came Andrew’s steady voice a moment later, not from where he had been standing behind Neil, but from beside him. Neil chewed on his bottom lip, not saying anything back — grateful that Andrew had said anything at all. “Let’s go, halftime’s almost up.”

Neil took a few steadying breaths, then nodded to himself. “Yeah.” He swallowed, “Let’s go.”

They walked into the locker room. Neil went to find a drink and Andrew presumably went to sit down for the remainder of halftime. Wymack had looked up when they’d come in, they both nodded at him, reassuring him that everything was fine. Wymack’s brow furrowed but he didn’t say anything else.

They got back onto the field and played just as hard as they had done the first half, but the Ravens pushed back with just as much ferocity. The second half went almost exactly the same as the first half. But with less attempts on the goals, because both teams defenses were playing so well.

They were down to the last minute and Neil didn’t know if they could play as hard as they were into over time.

All of a sudden Aaron was playing rougher than usual, a ferocity that rivaled then overtook the Raven guarding him. Neil’s brow furrowed in confusion, maybe Aaron’s mark had said something to piss him off enough to play better?

Aaron had the ball and took a step forward, then hesitated, as if he were unsure.

“Aaron!” Neil yelled, his voice hoarse, hoping Aaron would throw him the ball quick enough. Aaron looked up delayed, as if not recognizing he was being yelled at, then locked eyes with Neil.

Neil’s breath left is chest in a huff, he didn’t know if he were more shocked or confused, perhaps surprised was the right word for it.

Andrew threw him the ball with the accuracy Aaron could never manage. Neil caught it and took off running, he only made it 3 steps before he was caged behind his two marks. He threw the ball back to Andrew and ran forward again, turned just in time to see the ball coming back his way. He and Andrew were too fast for the Ravens, Neil was running before they’d realized he’d even caught the ball.

When he was close enough to the Raven’s goal, he sidestepped their backliner and threw the ball sideways.

Straight into Kevin’s net.

Kevin didn’t wait, he launched the ball without moving a step. Neil saw the walls light up red, but didn’t hear the buzzer sound. He looked around in confusion then realized the cheers of the crowd had completely drowned out the buzzer.

The final buzzer rang.

Neil looked back at Kevin who had a small smile on his face, nodded at him and turned to look farther down the field.

He locked eyes once again with the Minyard in the wrong position. Neil smiled with a shake of his head.

Andrew never failed to surprise him.

[dangerouslydisquieting-blog]

Miscommunication

Words: 4.2k

Warnings: Angst 

Summary:Sometimes words were all you needed and sometimes words weren’t needed at all.

Alternatively; The first time Andreil don't say "I love you."

Ao3

“Pick up the pace! Let’s go! We lost our first two games!  We are not,” Neil paused to breathe, “-about to lose another!”

Neil’s throat was raw from all the yelling. It was Thursday, the team had been on the court 4 days in a row. They had a bye week, giving them another week to their next game. Neil had been running them ragged this week. They had lost the two games they’d played thus far, by embarrassing scores.

“Rachael, aim closer, hit harder!”

“Jack, use your fucking head!”

“Nicky! Where’s Andrew?”

“Jack, for fuck’s-”

Neil grit his teeth and breathed in through his nose, out through his mouth, keeping his temper in check. “Water break. 5 minutes. Get.”

Neil’s shoulder was throbbing, his feet were on fire, and his throat was parched. He walked over to the bench where he’d left his water bottle. Andrew hadn’t shown up to practice, for the first time in a long time. Neil sighed through his teeth. Andrew hadn’t come to bed the night before either.

Neil looked up as Kevin made his presence known, “Where’s Andrew?” he asked.

“If I knew, I wouldn’t have asked Nicky.”

“Well, find him and get him to come to practice. We need it.”

“Don’t you think I know that?”

“Not by the way you’ve been practicing them.”

“Give me a break, if I thought we were ready, we wouldn’t be here.”

“Well, show it Josten. We’re no where near ready and if these guys don’t get in shape, we have zero chance of even coming close to-”

“I know.” Kevin lifted a brow, it had came out louder and harsher than Neil had intended, but he wasn’t going to take it back. “I know. I’m doing my best-”

“Well obviously your best isn’t enough!”

Neil’s right eyebrow twitched with the oncoming headache. “I don’t need to hear it from you, Kevin. Back off. I’m doing what I can-”

“Do better.” And with that Kevin put his helmet back on and ran back onto the field where the rest of the team was already waiting.

Neil bit his lip hard enough to draw blood, and counted to 5 before slamming his water bottle down. He took a few breaths, and proceeded to spend the next hour screaming himself hoarse.

---

It had been bothering Neil for a while. He wasn’t sure how to put the feeling into words. He didn’t think there were words for the way he was feeling.

The bottom line - he was in love with Andrew Minyard.

But it was more than that. He had no idea how to tell Andrew without scaring him off, or at least, making a fool of himself. Because Neil didn’t know how Andrew felt about him. He didn’t know if this, he, was what Andrew needed. He was beginning to doubt himself. He was considering what Andrew had said about them - “Nothing” - being true to an extent. He had no indication from Andrew that his feelings had changed.

But, things had changed. Andrew was trusting him more and more, the nightmares were getting better, and Neil had a home with Andrew, unlike any he’d ever had. But - what if Andrew didn’t feel the same way? Neil saw the way Andrew looked at him sometimes, like he was seeing right through him, as if he really was nothing.

It had all come to a head the night before.

They had come back from practice, Andrew had been by the window, presumably doing homework. Neil was watching their last game, they had lost 7 to 1. He’d looked up from the screen to see Andrew staring at him, or - just past him. He wasn’t sure.

“Something the matter?”

Andrew lazily rolled his eyes at Neil’s question, returning his gaze to the papers he had been working on. Neil got up to get water and an Advil.

“Do you need anything?” No reply. “Andrew?” Nothing.

Neil sighed in frustration. “Andrew. Do you need anything.”

Still Andrew didn’t respond, he shifted in his seat, but made no other indication of hearing Neil.

Neil snapped, he walked over and pushed the papers away from Andrew, “Hey. I asked you something.”

“Congrats.” Came the dry reply.

Neil clenched his teeth as a wave of rage overcame him. His hands clenched into fists at his sides. He took a few slow breaths and took a couple steps back from Andrew.

“What am I doing wrong?”

Andrew narrowed his eyes at him.

“Why are you - “ Neil broke off, he didn’t know how to finish the question, didn’t know if he wanted to finish that question. “What -” He sighed, “Talk to me.”

Andrew turned his attention away from Neil before replying, “Go back to you game.”

Neil clenched his teeth again, making the headache worse. “I can’t -” Andrew didn’t react, “You’re - this - for fuck’s sake, I - I’ll never be like you.”

Neil winced, that wasn’t what he’d meant to say, well, it was, but not - he wasn’t sure! He didn’t know. All he knew was that he was in love with the man sitting in front of him and he didn’t know what to do about it. He had to - there wasn’t -

“Excuse me?”

Shit. “I -” Neil’s voice caught.

Andrew didn’t say anything more, but raised a brow at Neil, waiting for a response.

Neil took a breath, his mouth moving faster than his mind. “You don’t care! You are so damn apathetic about everything, and it wouldn’t bother me so much if it wasn’t me you keep looking at as if I am a - a nuisance!? Or worse, insignificant! What do you expect me to do!”

Andrew didn’t say anything, just stared at Neil, or behind Neil, again, he wasn’t entirely sure.

“Stop it!”

Still nothing.

“Stop looking at me like I don’t matter! Like I could die,” Neil’s voice caught again, “and you wouldn’t blink!”

Andrew’s eyes flashed, his jaw clenched. A muscle in his brow jumped. He swallowed and stood. He left without a word.

---

“PUT SOME FUCKING EFFORT INTO IT, AARON.”

Neil could see Aaron’s eye roll from across the court. It was Friday, last practice for the week, and no one seemed to care.

Andrew had shown up, but his presence wasn’t being felt. He was in gear, standing at the goal, but letting every ball pass him. It was only serving to piss Neil off more than if he hadn’t shown up. Neil had a sneaking suspicion that was exactly what Andrew was trying to accomplish.

Finally Kevin snapped. “Andrew! Do your damn job. Defend the fucking goal.”

And Andrew did. Not a single ball after was let through, the backliners stepped up their games, everyone stood straighter as Andrew put his game face on. Side conversations ended, everyone put in their best effort. They were playing like the team Neil knew they could be, if they practiced. They played like they meant it, like they had a captain they could count on.

Neil felt sick.

Do your damn job .

---

Nicky had been watching Neil over the course of the week, and he didn’t like what he saw. He was running himself ragged. He practiced more than the others, he was always doing homework or studying if not, and he put in more hours running or at the gym then the rest of the team. Nicky wasn’t sure how much sleep, if any, Neil was getting. And judging by the dark circles and copious amounts of caffeine he was consuming, Nicky was sure it wasn’t enough.

Nicky had also noticed the uneasy air around him and Andrew at practice that day, and with Andrew not having shown up to practice the day before, Nicky was sure something was wrong. And with Kevin’s attitude and constant screaming matches between Neil and him, Nicky was sure Neil could use a night out.

Kevin and Aaron were easy enough to convince, Andrew didn’t say no outright, because everyone knew he’d never pass up alcohol, and Nicky was going to drag Neil there one way or another.

They sometimes took two cars if someone had to be back earlier for some reason, or if they were going to be there longer than a night. But they weren’t going to be there longer than a night. Neither did anyone have to be back earlier than usual. But they took two cars. Kevin, Aaron, and Neil in Kevin’s and Nicky and Andrew in Andrew’s. This was probably what tipped Nicky off of the extent of Neil and Andrew’s fight.

---

They made it to Sweetie’s ok. They ordered their ice cream and ate in mostly silence. Andrew got dust. Neil winced. Kevin and Aaron took some. Nicky passed.

They left for Eden’s and shit hit the fan as soon as Kevin took his first shot.

“You know,” He started amicably, “Dan was probably the best captain Wymack could’ve ever hoped for.” He continued taking shots the way only Kevin could. He didn’t pause as if he hadn’t knocked all the breath out of Neil’s lungs.

The others were busy getting in their own shots to care what Kevin had to say. Aaron was drinking almost as fast as Kevin, Andrew coming a close second. Nicky had taken a couple shots and was nursing a third. Neil was staring at his first.

Neither Aaron nor Nicky got up to dance. Kevin drank as much as he usually did. Hss speech wasn’t slurring moreso adopting an accent. Andrew had held back a bit, downed a few shots and was now nursing a coke. Neil had taken his first shot and left it at that.

“Fucking freshme’ can’t shoo’ t’ save their lives. Know wha’ I mean?” Kevin asked Andrew. Andrew pointedly ignored him, looking like he’d rather be anywhere but there. “Maybe ‘f they’d’ve had a better cap’n, y’know Neil?”

Neil closed his eyes and didn’t otherwise react.

“Wy - Wy- Coach shouldda asked Rach’l to be cap, at leas’ she knows what she’s doin’. Maybe actually get us to finals.”

Neil swallowed. Nicky got up to dance. Andrew took another shot. Aaron lazily looked between Neil and Andrew.

Kevin laughed. “Coach though’ Neil couldda done it, can you believe ‘Ron? Neil? There won’ be Foxe’ after Neil.” Kevin laughed harder.

Neil clenched his jaw, his nose burning. He knew - he knew he wasn’t good enough. He knew Wymack should’ve chosen someone more qualified for the position. He knew Dan was the best the Foxes had, would have, for as long as there were Foxes. He knew that if he fucked up, they weren’t going to make it to finals. He knew that a bad year could mean the Foxes became a Division II team. Hearing it from Kevin, as drunk as he may be, only confirmed what Neil already knew.

Andrew hadn’t said anything, hadn’t reacted, just sat with his arms on the table, watching the people around them. Aaron was watching his brother closely. Usually, Andrew would at least be paying attention to the conversation, sometimes interjecting with a glare or a raised brow. But he was actively ignoring everything Kevin was saying.

Nicky had wandered back to their table, not long after he’d left. It just didn’t feel like a normal night out. Neil was looking a little pale, Nicky didn’t know if he wanted any attention on himself so forwent saying anything. Whatever it was, Neil could handle it, he was sure.

“What? Did you two break-up or some shit?” Aaron asked with a sneer. He wasn’t going to give anyone any reason to doubt that he actually cared if his brother was ok.

Nicky’s eyes were widened in panic, he knew it was serious, but a break-up?

Andrew glanced lazily at his brother, “None of your business.”

Kevin looked between Andrew and Aaron. His gaze landed on Neil. He snorted, “Can’t do anythin’ right, can y’, eh, Neil?”

Neil had had enough. He took a breath and swiftly stood and made his way through the club to get outside. His feet hit the cement running.

Nicky had gotten up after him, but lost him in the crowd. He made his way to the door, but Neil was already too far away to hear Nicky’s shouts of his name over the sound of the blaring music.

---

The harsh sound of Neil’s breath was the only noise in the silent night. His footfalls were quiet, the way his mother had made him learn to run - quiet, fast, efficient. He didn’t have any idea where he was or where he was going. He just knew he had to run. He wasn’t running away like he would have before. He just needed to get away for a bit. And running was his way of doing so.

Every doubt and insecurity he’d had in the past week since their last game played itself in his mind’s eye. Kevin’s words echoed in his ears. His vision flashed red. His fight with Andrew replaying itself it startling clarity. His eyes stung more than he’d care to admit. Aaron’s words stinging more than they should have. He ran harder, faster. And last, Nicky’s voice, yelling after him.The fight left him, he slowed to a stop, and looked around him.

Neil didn’t know the way back to PSU, but he was sure he’d never been to this part of Columbia. It was residential, away from the hustle and bustle of the main city where Eden’s was. He’d been running for - he reached into his pocket for his phone to check the time - it was dead. And he’d left his wallet at Eden’s. Shit.

He had a dead phone, no wallet, no money. He was stranded, and had no idea how to get back home or to PSU. He couldn’t call Matt, and he sure as hell wasn’t about to call Andrew or Kevin.  It was too late to knock on any door. He clenched his jaw at a flash of annoyance. He brought his hand up to run through his hair, making it stick up in disarray. Nothing was going right. He couldn’t catch a break, could he?

Neil takes a shuddering breath in and starts walking. A while away he reaches a park. The sky was beginning to lighten at this point, it had to be at least 4 in the morning. He finds a park bench and collapses, the dehydration catching up to him. He passes out to the sound of birds chirping. The last thought to cross his mind is of Andrew’s hurt expression as he left after their fight.

---

The cousin’s and Kevin had made it to the house an hour after Neil had run off. Kevin was passed out on the couch. Aaron and Nicky had made it to their rooms. Andrew had been in his and Neil’s room, but had moved to the kitchen at 4, and then the porch at 5. Still no sign of Neil.

Andrew had Neil’s wallet in his pocket, having picked it up for him after Neil had left it. It was 6 now and Andrew had smoked his way through half a pack standing out on the porch. A while after, Andrew caves and calls Neil’s phone. It goes straight to voicemail, his phone’s either off or dead. Knowing Neil it was probably dead.

Andrew’s right eye twitches. He considers calling Bee, but it’s not a him problem, it’s a Neil problem, the only other person he knows would help is Wymack. And so he calls.

It’s 6am on a Saturday morning, but Wymack picks up. It’s Andrew’s ringtone.

“ ’ndrew?”

“He hasn’t come home.”

A pause as Wymack considers Andrew’s words, his tone. Andrew’s never been one to beat around the bush, so the “he” must be Neil and “home” must mean wherever Andrew is, and Neil’s not there. And the fact that Andrew is resorting to calling him at all, means he’s worried more than he’d ever admit. So that means Neil’s either lost, or has decided to run.

Now, he knows Neil, Wymack knows that at one point in time, he didn’t have reason to stay, but now, he has no reason to run. So he must be lost, with no way to get home. “I’ll, I’ll get Matt, we’ll be there in an hour.”

Wymack wakes Matt up and asks him to come along so they can cover more ground with three cars. Matt gets up without argument and doesn’t even think to question anyone about anything, finding Neil being priority.

---

It’s an hour later that the three of them meet up by Eden’s and split up in different directions.

---

It’s an hour after that that Andrew pulls up next to Neil. His shirt soaked through with sweat, dehydrated, and totally and utterly defeated.

---

“Get in.”

Neil looks over, the sun in his eyes, blinding him. But it was Andrew, he’d recognize Andrew’s voice if he’d woken up from a coma with amnesia. He considers saying something, anything, but thinks against it. He takes a shaky breath, opens the passenger side, and practically collapses as he sits.

Andrew drives to the nearest gas station and got out. He takes his phone out as he grabs a couple bottles of water and a pack of trail mix.

”Andrew?” Wymack picks up at the first ring.

“Tell Matt to go home. We’ll be back in two.” Translation: Matt and you can go home. I found him. Neil and I’ll be back at PSU in two hours, give or take. We’ll see you there. Thanks for your help. Bye.

He calls Bee as he takes his wallet out and buys the stuff and a pack of cigarettes. “Would you mind telling Abby to come by the Tower in two hours?” A pause. “Thanks, Bee.”

He makes his way back to Neil. He passes a water bottle to Neil, but Neil doesn’t have the energy to open it, so Andrew opens the other one and passes it to Neil, and takes the one Neil has back.

He reaches over again when Neil starts to gulp down the water. He pulls the bottle away from Neil’s mouth, and glares at him when Neil looks at him questioningly. “Sip.”

Neil huffs and continues drinking at a more reasonable rate.

They don’t go to the house, but they don’t start towards Palmetto either. Andrew drives around for a while, Neil still drinking and quietly munching on the trail mix.

It’s been a half hour of this before Andrew’s “I don’t” and Neil’s “I’m sorry” break the silence at the same time.

Andrew waits, “I’m - I didn’t mean to say what I did.”

“I’ll never be like you!”

Andrew waits, “I know - I know that’s not good enough, but I swear…I’m, I’m sorry. I made a mistake.”

“Stop it!”

Andrew waits, “I’m sorry, and I didn’t mean it. I don’t think of you like that.”

“Stop looking at me like I don’t matter. Like I could die and you wouldn’t blink.”

“I’m sorry, I - “ love you.

“I don’t.” - look at you like that.

---

Abby’s waiting for them at the parking lot as they pull in. Neil rolls his eyes in protest but doesn’t say anything as she looks him over. She tells him to get some salt in his system and let’s them go.

They make their way up to their room. Neil puts his phone on the charger as soon as he can. As soon as it powers up, he gets a flood of notifications from Nicky and then a missed call and a “ i hate you ” text from Andrew.

Andrew’s in the room and as Neil comes in he tells him to text Matt.

“Why?”

“He and Coach came to look for you.”

Shit …Neil swallows. He text’s a “ Hey, I’m fine .” to Matt, and debates calling Wymack before just making his way to his apartment.

---

Neil knocks on Wymack’s door and he opens it soon after. Wymack regards Neil a second before moving to the side to let him in.

They move to the living room, where Wymack sinks into an armchair with a sigh. Neil stands for a beat before sitting n the couch where he’d slept all that time ago.

They sit in silence for a bit, Wymack not pushing Neil to say anything, and Neil comfortable enough in Wymack’s presence for the silence not to feel awkward. Neil looks up at Wymack and notices the worry lines at the corners of his mouth and eyes. He doesn’t know what it is, but something about the concern shining through without words had Neil opening his mouth before his mind could catch up.

“I’m sorry I’m such a shitty captain.” Wymack is taken aback by the words to say anything before Neil continues. “I know you expect better. I swear I’m trying but I just, It’s so hard, and I’m not complaining. Thank you for this opportunity and I’m so grateful, but Kevin doesn’t think we’ll ever make Championships and Jack hates my guts and Andrew -“

Neil’s voice wavers, his words faltering. Wymack gets up and sits down next to Neil, he places a hand a bit awkwardly on his shoulder, waiting for Neil to look at him.

“Neil.” Wymack starts “I wouldn’t have made you captain if I didn’t think you could do it. You can. You will.” You can. You will. The same sentiment Wymack would give the team before difficult games. Neil let out a breath.

“Kev-“

“Screw what Kevin says, you are his captain, act like it.”

“Jack -“

“Neil.”

“Andrew…”

“Neil, I never said Andrew would be easy to captain -”

“No - It’s not…I - ”

Wymack raised a brow, waiting for Neil to continue.

“I don’t - I mean, I’m not, I…”

Wymack didn’t say anything as Neil faltered and then fell silent. And then sighing, squeezing Neil’s shoulder, “I’m, uh - I’m proud of you, kid. Everything you’ve accomplished and everything you’ve overcome. I’m proud of who you’ve become, Neil.”

And even though it was no where near what Neil was expecting, they were all the right words, the words he needed to hear. It’s not much, but it’s all Wymack’s got, but it’s more than enough for Neil.

---

Neil comes home to Kevin, Nicky, and Aaron in their room, Nicky haven driven them home in Kevin’s car. Nicky tackles him in a hug and then a smack on his shoulder for the stunt he pulled. Neil takes it without a word, searching for Andrew.

Neil heads up the stairs to the roof, he can smell the cigarette smoke before he even opens the door. Andrew is sitting with his back against the edge, a lit cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth while lighting another. He passes this one to Neil, who comes to a stop standing before Andrew. He takes the cigarette and takes a single drag before letting the rest burn.

Andrew wants to talk to Neil. He wants to tell Neil that he does care for him, and that he doesn’t look at him like he means nothing to him. He wants to tell Neil that there’s no doubt in his mind about what he has with Neil. He wants to explain how he’s feeling.

Neil wants to talk to Andrew. He wants to tell Andrew that he loves him. He wants to ask what he really means to him. If Andrew sees them the way Neil sees them. Neil wants Andrew to talk to him.

It’s Andrew that opens his mouth first, sitting in front of a standing Neil, he says, “I didn’t know what I - I wasn’t sure, because I’d never experienced it.”

Neil’s lips part in confusion, his brow raising a infinitesimally. He doesn’t say anything, waiting for Andrew to continue.

“I’ve never known affection, I’ve never had a steady, a relationship where, I mean - ” Andrew broke off, his mind working faster than his words. “I didn’t recognize it because I’ve never felt it, so I had no idea how to react to something so foreign, unfamiliar.”

Still Neil said nothing.

“So I responded in the only way I was sure of. Hate. Hate was familiar territory, I understood hate. This - You were new and unfamiliar and I didn’t like it. But I, I’ve figured it out, I guess.”

Neil’s breath was coming in shallow.

“I hated you on principle because I had no idea how else to respond…so -“ Andrew broke off once again, looking up at Neil.

Neil went to speak but the lump in his throat prevented him. He swallowed hard. All this time he’d been stressing on how to tell Andrew how he felt, and on top of all the stress of captaining and everything going wrong. And here Andrew was, telling Neil everything he never knew he needed to hear.

“You - You -” He stuttered

“I’m not saying it, fucker.”

That was all that it took for the relief to flood through Neil, he let out a breathless giggle, giddy with the realization that this, this was real. What he and Andrew had wasn’t going anywhere, and both of them knew that. Even if they didn’t say the words.

“Me either, asshole.”

[dangerouslydisquieting-blog]

Sweet Tooth

Words: 1.3k

Warnings: Addiction, drug use, abuse, rape mention 

Summary: Chocolate was Andrew's first addiction. 

Ao3

Chocolate was Andrew’s first addiction. The sugar highs the first highs he’d ever experienced. The chocolate withdrawals the first he’d have to endure. Chocolate helped Andrew cope with his childhood the way drugs and alcohol helped him cope after his childhood was snatched from him.

Ever since Andrew was a kid he’d had a sweet tooth. There were times that he’d give himself stomach aches from how much sugar he’d consumed. The couple times he’d been to the dentist as a kid didn’t end well. But he’d learned to make sure to clean his teeth after his first filling.

Everyone knew Andrew’d never turn down a chocolate bar. Some took advantage of the fact.

Chocolate was hard to come by in the system. But Andrew had always been a resourceful child that got what he wanted, one way or another. His chocolate dealers would trade him for a plethora of things, including, but not limited to, money, favors, and secrets. All things Andrew would give up for if it meant he got his next fix.

When he got out of the system he had more freedom, more chances to get his chocolate. He never missed an opportunity to stock up on his favorite Hershey’s when he could. Switching homes meant the next ones didn’t know, like the last ones, how bad his addiction was. Switching homes became less painful when he started thinking of homes less as home and more as his next hit.

Andrew knew he had a problem. He acknowledged the fact that he couldn’t survive for long without his chocolate. He was acutely aware of how his body craved the substance like his heart craved love. And so he substituted chocolate for the love he was starved of. Chocolate had taken over the role of family, home, love for him.

Soon even chocolate couldn’t help his ailing situation. He became indifferent. It didn’t matter who stayed or who went. It didn’t matter what happened or what didn’t. He didn’t care, or at least, he told himself that he didn’t. The fact of the matter was he couldn’t. He believed in the sentiment of telling a lie enough times for it to become truth. Telling himself that he didn’t care, became all too true.

Chocolate was put on the back burner once he discovered the hard stuff. But it never truly went away. Andrew always seem to find chocolate or variations of it. At times it seemed to find Andrew, creeping on him when he wasn’t looking. Reminding him of what, who he was and where he came from.

---

It wasn’t until he met Dr. Betsy Dobson that Andrew learned what it meant to enjoy chocolate for what it was. What it meant to eat chocolate and taste the sweetness of it, untainted with the bitter taste of rejection. What it meant to take a bite of chocolate and not feel the ghost of unwanted hands on him.

  It was Bee that replaced all the bad memories Andrew associated with chocolate with soft smiles and gentle hands. It was Bee that stitched Andrew back up as best she could. She was far from the first to try, but she was the first to succeed. Andrew found a friend in Bee. His Bee, that didn’t care what time he called. His Bee, that never let him down. His Bee, the first adult he well and truly trusted. Who he didn’t doubt, who he could always count on to make him hot chocolate and talk to. No matter how trivial the subject, no matter how significant. He had his Bee.

---

Neil got the call. Matt had heard from Dan who’d heard from Wymack.

Betsy Dobson had died of a heart attack. The second one she’d ever have, one more than her heart could take.

Andrew had had a game, and Neil decided to wait until he got off the court to tell him. Andrew took it the way he had every death he’d encountered thus far. Indifferently. Neil had bitten his lip bloody watching Andrew for the rest of the day. He knew Andrew would be fine, but he also knew just how much Bee meant to Andrew.

He’d had the sense to move to the couch after watching Andrew stare at the ceiling, lying on his back. Listening to Andrew’s breathing become more and more shallow, Neil left his boyfriend to grieve in his own way. Neil had made enough noise for Andrew to know he was leaving, had moved slow enough for Andrew to stop him if he so wished. Andrew didn’t stop him.

---

The next morning Neil got an email from Andrew. He was already on his way to South Carolina for the funeral. Attached to the email was a plane ticket for the next night. Andrew would drive, but he was leaving it up to Neil to decide on coming. Andrew had already left in the early hours of the morning. It was an almost 20 hour drive to Palmetto, but Neil knew Andrew would need the time and space.

---

It was two days later when Neil saw Andrew next. Matt had picked him up from the airport. Matt, Dan, and Neil were the only Foxes, from their time at PSU, at the church service. When they got out of the church, Neil recognized Andrew’s car with a purple flag on his car. His window was down and he had a cigarette hanging loosely from his fingertips. Neil told Matt that they’d meet them at the cemetery, and made his way to Andrew’s car.

Neil got into the car. The drive was silent. Andrew was wearing black dress pants and a black button up. He looked clean shaven, and Neil wanted to raise his eyebrow at Andrew, but then wondered how exactly he’d expected Andrew to look if it wasn’t like this.

---

After the eulogies and goodbyes were done, people started filing out. Andrew was standing with a hand in his pocket, waiting for everyone to leave. Matt and Dan said their goodbyes and left. Neil had talked with Abby and Wymack at the church. Wymack nodded at her to go on, and she made her way to their car, as Wymack stopped in front of Andrew.

He held his hand out, waiting for Andrew to take it. They shook, Wymack’s eyes tightening a fraction. He clapped Neil on the shoulder before nodding at Andrew once, and leaving them.

Neil hesitated. Then turned slightly, giving Andrew enough time to object. He didn’t. Neil started to amble back to the car, taking his time.

Andrew unclenched his jaw as he was finally left alone with the open casket a ways away. He took a breath and made his way over.  

He didn’t hover too long. His lip twitched as he saw Bee’s closed eyes, her hands folded across her chest. He swallowed before reaching into his pocket and pulling out a Hershey’s. He placed the chocolate bar near the flowers that were placed all around the casket.

He straightened with soft sigh. He lowered his head a moment, before closing his eyes and turning. He walked to Neil’s side, closing the distance between them. He slipped his hand out of his pocket to hold Neil’s wrist. Neil kept walking, but slipped his hand out of his own pocket so Andrew could properly hold his hand.

Neil wasn’t sure how Bee’s loss would effect Andrew in the long run, and he was sure that Andrew wouldn’t want him to worry. But Neil couldn't help but notice -

Andrew doesn’t eat chocolate anymore.

[dangerouslydisquieting-blog]

Safeguard

Words: 1.9k

Warnings: N/A

Summary: Andrew’s got his hand wrapped around Neil’s throat and Neil has no regrets.

Ao3

To say Coach David Wymack was proud of his Foxes would be an understatement. The word ‘Proud’ never once passed his lips, but the Foxes knew, they knew he was proud in the set of his shoulders, the upturn of his lips, the lilt of his voice.

They had made Spring Championships, no one had come close to being killed, and they had survived, thrived the year.

That didn’t stop the prominent scowl on his face when he had to announce that they would be playing the Ravens for semifinals in an away game two weeks from then.

And so they trained. They trained like the newer Foxes had never seen them train. They trained at odd hours, for longer and harder than ever. They had thought Kevin was tough on a good day. This didn’t come close. What made it worse was that all the older Foxes used to be bearable, but now, even Renee had them wishing they’d never taken up Exy.

They knew the Foxes and Ravens had a history, none of it good. But they hadn’t realized just how bad. But watching Andrew actually train with them, Neil and Kevin sleep just enough to survive, and Wymack having to step in to make them take breaks had them both intrigued and questioning everyone’s sanity.

It wasn’t until they took the court two weeks later that they found none of it was for naught.

---

The Raven’s took to the court like they had a captain’s death to avenge. The newbies had thought that they knew what was coming but no amount of training would have prepared them for the utter brutality of the game.

They had all played with rough teams, they’d been redcarded and/or injured, they’d given their fair share of injuries themselves. But they hadn’t expected most of their starting line up to be out of the game within the first half.

The score was 6 - 7, Ravens.

Both team had more injuries than any either had had the whole season.

Wymack was pacing, trying to think of ways to salvage the situation. He looked at his beaten up Freshmen. All of them had been subbed in and subsequently injured enough for Wymack not to consider putting them back in for the next half.

And so that left him his old team. He looked to Neil, who in turn glanced at Andrew. Andrew gave a slight nod. Wymack closed his eyes and shook his head with a small smile, the fight hadn’t left them yet.

Second half started with Andrew at goal, Aaron, Matt, and Allison at far-court, and Neil and Kevin at half-court.

Neil scored 10 minutes in, to tie the game, but 40 seconds later a Raven scored. Neil grit his teeth, they were out of subs, the players on court were their last line of defense, so to speak.

It takes Kevin another 7 minutes to tie the game again.

There’s 25 minutes left.

No one scores

Play clock runs out, they go over time.

Everyone’s angry and tired - not a good combination.

The fighting had lulled, with either team focusing on scoring or defending more than anything.

As soon as over time started, fists started flying.

Allison was the first to break. She’d had enough of her mark’s taunting. The Raven had broughten up Seth, and Allison hadn’t hesitated to deck her.

Another Raven had run to her teammate, a murderous look on her face. Aaron intercepted her.

Matt had been distracted by Aaron running off, missing his mark’s racquet that collided with his helmet. The referees were dealing with Allison and the fight she’d started, not noticing Matt retaliate by tripping his mark, who fell, prompting another Raven to go for Matt.

At this point Neil had noticed Matt’s situation. He was close enough that at his speed he managed to throw the ball to Kevin, while body-checking the Raven that was going for Matt. Making it look accidental.

Allison and Aaron are both sporting bruises, but no redcards had been handed.

Matt’s probably disoriented, and might be sporting a minor concussion.

Neil’s trying to gauge how Matt’s doing. He doesn’t see another Raven coming straight for him. He’d thought the fighting was over.

Kevin noticed, but was too slow, The Raven wasn’t even trying to make it look like an accident, he went for Neil’s legs, trying to trip him. When that didn’t work he managed to punch Neil hard enough to knock his helmet askew. They next blow had him doubling over. By the time he got a kick in, Kevin had shoved him.

Matt had gotten over the disorientation and had gone to help.

Aaron and Allison made eye contact before running for their friends with a nod, the same moment the last two Ravens started running for them.

By the time referees had broken up the fighting, Neil was curled in on himself on the ground. Andrew watched with gritted teeth. They couldn’t afford to lose him during over time and he knew the game was more important to Neil than anything. So he stayed put.

There were bleeding, broken noses, bruised and bleeding knuckles, and more than enough bruises to go around. Neil and a Raven had lost their helmets.

Neil got up. Painstakingly, but he managed. He didn’t look too bad, nothing was bleeding, but Andrew had watched how hard the Raven had been hitting him. He knew nothing anyone said was going to stop Neil from playing. So he didn’t try.

Wymack had called a timeout. His expression was thunderous, he wasn’t mad at his

Foxes, but what had happened to them. He subbed Dan for Matt, who had started to stumble. Abby was with him. She had handed Aaron, Allison, and Kevin an ice pack each. Sparing Neil a once over, giving him 2 ice packs and a bottle of water. The four of them were holding them up to various body parts, but they were ok to play.

Wymack glanced at Neil. Who looked better than the rest, but he knew he’s been hit the most. Neil nodded once, not looking directly at Wymack, and they went back in to play.

---

The first team to score would win. Simple enough. And it was. Andrew passed it to the other side of the court to Neil, who passed it to Kevin, who scored. Simple, not easy. Game over.

Until, “Someone should take out their goalie, it would be the same blow to them as Riko was to us.”

Neil hadn’t even realized they weren’t talking to him.

He hadn’t realized the Raven was talking to two of his teammates.

He hadn’t realized that he’d bit his tongue hard enough to make it bleed.

He hadn’t realized he’d already swung at the nearest one before the other two turned at the sound of a brutal punch.

Neil held his own, but there was only so much he could do up against three guys all taller and heavier than he.

No one was close enough to help.

Kevin had made it at the same time the referees did.

Andrew had started running, but couldn’t do anything with referees two feet from him. So he helped Neil up and walked him to the locker room with an arm around Neil’s waist, Neil’s arm around his shoulders.

---

The locker room was silent as the Foxes shuffled in, no one had stopped for the press, and Wymack wasn’t about to make them.

Abby took Neil from Andrew and started fixing him up. He had a busted lip that would need stitches. His left cheek was starting to form an enormous bruise, just barely missing his eye. His left shoulder was dislocated. Andrew had also noticed that he was limping, so he told Abby as much.

It looked like he’d just barely managed to escape without a sprained ankle. Abby was muttering about the luck of the devil under her breath. She’d seen the hits he’d taken today, and to have gotten out without too much damage was a miracle in and of itself.

She relocated his shoulder as Wymack began to talk. Neil’s short yell cut him off, he swallowed and continued.

“I don’t - There isn’t anything that I could say that could make this ok, I’m aware. But.” He paused to take a deep breath that came out sounding too much like a sigh, “But we’re Foxes. We take what we get dealt and pick ourselves up. We are better than them, I don’t care what anyone says. The Ravens are done. And we’re not looking back. We’re gonna move forward, like I know only we can.” He took a moment to meet everyone’s eyes to make sure they knew he was being sincere. “Alright. Get changed, I wanna go home.”

No one was going to argue that.

Except Andrew.

As soon as Abby had left Neil’s side, Andrew had made his way to him. He waited until Wymack was done talking to shove Neil against the wall abruptly.

Neil stumbled, his ankle protesting. Andrew took a threatening step closer. They had everyone’s attention. Andrew brought up a hand to Neil’s throat. No one but Neil knew that it wasn’t threatening. It was gentle, caressing his neck, he knew Andrew’s forefingers were on his pulse. He could feel it throbbing against Andrew’s fingers. The upperclassmen were tensing, they hadn’t seen Andrew ever get like this with Neil.

“What the fuck were you doing?”

Andrew was speaking just above a whisper, but his voice carried, and everyone could hear.

“Dancing.” Neil replied dryly.

Andrew’s hand tensed, reminding Neil that he could hurt him if he pushed him. “I saw. You punched him. He didn’t say anything to you.” Andrew turned abruptly, as if just realizing they had an audience. The Freshman made themselves scarce as soon as he turned. “Get out.”  The upperclassmen hesitated until Wymack dismissed them with a shake of his head.

It was just Andrew and Neil. Andrew turned back to face him, “Talk.’

Neil stared defiantly. He knew if Andrew knew that he did it because of him, he wouldn’t speak to him, and he didn’t want to argue. He was tired, he just wanted a shower and one of Andrew’s sweatshirts. But apparently that was too much to ask.

“There were talking shit, I wasn’t gonna take it.”

Andrew slammed his hands against Neil’s throat again, knocking the wind out of him. “They weren’t talking to you.”

“Just drop it, Andrew.”

“Don’t tell me what to do.”

“Why does it even matter!?”

“Because - “ Andrew’s voice broke. He stepped back, ducking his head.

Neil raised a brow in confusion.

---

Wymack paused in the doorway, a hand raised to knock. But the scene in front of him stopped him short. Andrew had his head down, standing in front of Neil. Neil was looking down at him in confusion and slight worry. Neither of them speaking.

For the first time since Wymack had met him, Andrew Minyard looked vulnerable.

Wymack took a step back, not wanting to intrude on such a private, intimate moment. But he couldn’t help but hear the raw emotion in Andrew’s voice as he said what he said next. Something Wymack knew was the opposite of what he meant.

“Because I - I hate you.”

I hate you.

[dangerouslydisquieting-blog]

hey it’s bia - (hatehateslove)