danganronpama

[danganronpama]

MIU IRUMA’S TOTALLY FUCKING REAL INTERVIEW

🎥 A Self-Produced Documentary by Miu Iruma, Starring Miu Iruma, Directed by Miu Iruma, and Written by The Supreme Queen of Brains and Booty, Miu Iruma 🎬✨

[Setting: Classroom, Everyone is Forced to Watch]

The lights dim, and the projector screen flickers on.

The words "The Iruma Experience™" flash across the screen in bright neon letters, followed by a dramatic slow-motion montage of Miu posing with her inventions—all while a very obvious, over-the-top heavy metal track plays in the background.

The camera zooms in on Miu, sitting on a chair, goggles on, arms crossed, looking extremely pleased with herself.

Then—

A DEEP, MANLY VOICE BEGINS SPEAKING

Interviewer: "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TODAY WE HAVE A HISTORIC FUCKING INTERVIEW WITH THE GREATEST GENIUS KNOWN TO MANKIND, THE ULTIMATE INVENTOR, THE GODDESS OF INTELLIGENCE, OWNER OF THE WORLD’S FINEST RACK, AND BEST IN THE SACK—MIU IRUMA!"

Miu dramatically nods, adjusting her goggles.

QUESTION 1

Interviewer: "Miu, what is it like to be so much more intelligent than your classmates, who, let’s be honest, are barely functioning organisms?"

Miu Iruma: "OH-HO-HO! FANTASTIC FUCKIN’ QUESTION, MR. TOTALLY HUNK INTERVIEWER! I swear, I’m basically a once-in-a-generation supergenius trapped in a world of slack-jawed idiots!, lemme tell ya! Every morning, I wake up, look in the mirror, and think, ‘Wow, these dumbass plebs would literally be drowning in their own drool without me around!’ It’s a tough job being this smart AND this hot, but SOMEONE’S gotta do it!"

[Classroom Reactions]:

[Kaede]: "Oh god, this is going to last an hour, isn’t it?"

[Shuichi]: "I can’t believe we’re being forced to watch this."

[Kokichi]: "PFFT—This is the best thing I’ve ever seen! Miu, you should do interviews every day!"

QUESTION 2

Interviewer: "Miu, everyone in this school is obviously madly in love with you. Tell us, what is it like being a beacon of beauty and brains, the whole package rolled into one… some might even say, the Ultimate Bombshell?"

Miu tilts her head dramatically, sighing like a burdened goddess.

Miu Iruma: "Ohhh, interviewer, ya get me! FINALLY, someone acknowledges my daily struggles! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DAMN HARD IT IS BEING THIS PERFECT?! Almost as HARD as these horny little shits I catch staring at me CONSTANTLY!"

Interviewer: "Even Shuichi Saihara?"

Miu Iruma: "E—FUCKING—SPECIALLY Shuichi Saihara! I’ve seen the way he looks at me—ALL LONGING AND FULL OF FUCKING DESIRE."

[Shuichi (offscreen)]: "WHAT?! NO, I DON’T!"

[Miu (pauses video, points at Shuichi]: "DENIAL IS THE FIRST FUCKING STAGE, SAIHARA! JUST CONFESS ALREADY!"

[Kaede]: "Miu, get back to the video!"

[Miu]: "TCH. FINE. BUT WE'RE NOT DROPPIN' THIS CONVERSATION, DETECTIVE SIMP-HARA!"

She presses play, and the video continues.

QUESTION 3

Interviewer: "Miu, as the most intelligent being on the planet, who would you say is the DUMBEST dipshit among your class?"

Miu taps her chin, dramatically pondering.

Miu Iruma: "Hmmm… SO MANY OPTIONS. There’s Kaito ‘LAME-INARY OF THE STARS’, who thinks you can punch your way out of a physics problem."

[Kaito]:"Hey?! The hell kinda title is that?!"

Miu Iruma: "There’s TENCROTCH, who acts like touching a guy would set her on fucking fire."

[Tenko]:"WELL, CAN YOU BLAME ME?! SETTING PEOPLE ON FIRE SOUNDS LIKE EXACTLY THE KIND OF THING A DEGENERATE MALE WOULD DO!"

Miu Iruma: "But if I had to pick the TRUE, UNDISPUTED KING OF DUMBASSES…"

She leans forward, grinning.

Miu Iruma: "KAEEEDE! OR SHOULD I SAY—BAKAMATSU! AND YOU WANNA KNOW WHY THAT'S HER NAME?! CUZ SHE'S A FUCKING DUMBASS!"

[Kaede (offscreen)]: "…Excuse me?!"

Interviewer: "Miu, please, do enlighten us. Hearing Kaediot get roasted is just too damn entertaining."

Miu Iruma: "OH-HO-HO, HAPPILY! BAKAMATSU’S WHOLE THING IS ‘I PLAY THE PIANO’—LIKE, WHOOP-DEE-FUCKIN’-DOO! BUT WHAT DOES THAT DO IN A REAL CRISIS?! HUH?! YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA POUND OUT A CHOPIN PIECE AND MAGICALLY FIX EVERYTHING?!"

[Kaede]: "W-WHAT THE HELL, MIU?! MUSIC CAN BE REALLY POWERFUL!"

[Miu]: "OH YEAH?! WHEN SHIT HITS THE FAN, YOU THINK BUSTING OUT A SONATA’S GONNA SAVE YOUR ASS?! ‘OH NO, A DISASTER! QUICK, SOMEONE PLAY ME A LITTLE FUCKIN’ MOZART!’"

[Kaede]: "I—IT CAN BRING PEOPLE TOGETHER!"

[Miu]: "SO CAN FREE FOOD, BUT YOU DON’T SEE ME HAULIN’ AROUND A BUFFET TABLE LIKE IT’S A PERSONALITY TRAIT!"

[Kaede]: "THAT’S NOT THE SAME THING AT ALL!"

[Miu]: "YOU CAN’T EAT A GODDAMN SONATA, BAKAMATSU!"

[Kaede]: "WHY DO YOU KEEP BRINGING UP FOOD?! THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS!"

[Miu]: "CUZ I’M SMARTER THAN YOU, THAT’S WHY!"

[Kaede]: "I—I HATE THAT I CAN’T ARGUE WITH THAT!"

[Miu]: "DAMN RIGHT, BAKAMATSU! YOU EARNED THAT NAME FOR A FUCKIN’ REASON!"

QUESTION 4

Interviewer: "Miu, your greatness is undeniable, and surely this is the best damn interview of all time—"

[Rantaro (offscreen)]: "Okay, wait. Pause." [Miu]: "THE HELL DO YOU WANT GREEN BEAN, THIS IS THE BEST PART?!"

[Rantaro]: "Nobody talks like that. There is absolutely no way a real person interviewed you."

[Shuichi]: "Yeah, I was thinking that for a while too. Who would actually sit down and ask Miu this many questions?"

[Kaito]: "Wait a second… Miu, is that YOU doing the voice?!"

[Miu]: "WHAT?! NO, SHUT UP!"

[Himiko]: "Nyeh… that's pretty low, Miu. Even for you."

[Miu]: "I—I—I HAVE A DEEP-VOICED INTERVIEWER FRIEND, OKAY?! Y-YOU JUST DON’T KNOW THEM! THEY GO TO ANOTHER FUCKING SCHOOL!"

[Kokichi]: "Ooooh, Miu, did your ‘interviewer friend’ just happen to have the exact same insufferable, delusional, attention-starved energy as you? What are the odds?!"

[Kaede]: "So, I’m the DUMBEST one here because I play the piano, and YOU are the GENIUS who made up an ENTIRE FAKE INTERVIEWER?!"

[Miu]: "TCH! FINE! BUT WHEN I’M RICH, FAMOUS, AND GETTING MY TITS 3D-PRINTED ONTO A STATUE, DON’T COME CRAWLING TO ME, YOU TALENTLESS FUCKS!"

[danganronpama]

Junko Enoshima gets a 'Pro tip' from Twitch chat.

💬 [Chat]: "Pro tip: If you time your dodge better, you won’t get hit as much."

For a second, just a second, Junko pauses mid-game.

Her character gets bodied immediately—sent flying across the screen in a way that would normally send her into a fit of laughter.

But she’s not laughing.

She’s staring.

And then—

"OHHHHH MY F*ING GOD, CHAT."**

She slams her controller onto her desk, fingers threading into her hair as she dramatically pulls at her twin tails.

"WOW. WOW, GUYS. HOLD UP. HOLD. THE F*. UP. WE HAVE A PRO GAMER IN THE CHAT! OOOOOOH, EVERYONE CLAP! EVERYONE SHOW RESPECT! THEY JUST DROPPED A PRO TIP!"**

She leans forward, eyes wide, voice dripping with condescending awe.

"Oh, wow, dude. THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU SO, SO MUCH. I literally NEVER would have thought of that. TIME MY DODGE BETTER?! OH MY GOD, REVOLUTIONARY. GROUNDBREAKING. SOMEONE GET THIS GUY A NOBEL PRIZE."

She fake wipes away a tear.

"Chat, do you realize how LUCKY we are? Like, seriously. This person, this gaming genius, this living tutorial pop-up of a human being, just blessed us with their INFINITE WISDOM."

Her voice shifts—mocking, high-pitched, exaggerated.

"P-P-Pro tip, Junko! D-d-did you know if you don’t get hit, you, like, don’t lose HP? A-a-and if you attack the enemy, they take damage! Also, p-p-pro tip: If you press the jump button, you go UP! And if you move forward, you—GET THIS, JUNKO—WALK FORWARD!"

She throws herself back in her chair, letting out a long, suffering sigh.

"Chat, I’m gonna be real with you. I’m struggling right now. I’m in PHYSICAL PAIN. Do you know why? Because I just got absolutely SONNED by someone who thinks 'pro tip' is a personality trait. Just absolutely DISMANTLED by someone who saw a flashing loading screen hint once and decided they were GOD'S GIFT TO GAMING."

She leans forward again, voice lower now, eyes narrowing.

"Hey. Hey, bud. Since you’re out here dropping ‘pro tips,’ let me give you one."

She tilts her head, smiling sweetly—except it’s the kind of sweet that makes flowers wilt and small animals run for cover.

"Pro tip: SHUT. THE. F*. UP."**

She leans back, cracks her knuckles, and unpauses the game.

"ANYWAY, back to ACTUAL gaming, unlike chat over here trying to backseat me like they’re my deadbeat gaming coach father who left for cigarettes and never came back."

She takes a deep breath, then suddenly perks up.

"OOH! LOOK, CHAT! WOW! A PRO TIP FROM ME TO YOU! Watch closely, kids—I’m about to win this entire match without dodging even ONCE just to spite them."

[danganronpama]

Junko Enoshima makes a mistake.

Junko is lounging across the couch, tossing insults as casually as someone flipping through a fashion magazine.

"Mukuro, seriously, I just—ugh. Every time I look at you, I feel like I’m suffering from some terminally uncool disease. Like, how is it possible to have negative fashion sense? Like, not even neutral���negative. It’s like… if a bag of military rations somehow gained sentience and started walking around pretending to be a girl. I mean, your whole vibe is just—"

She waves a hand vaguely, rolling her eyes.

"—It’s tragic, really. I take it for granite at this point."

Silence.

Mukuro blinks.

"...Granite?"

Junko sighs, looking at her sister like she just asked if the sky was real. "Yeah, granite. Like, obviously."

Another pause.

Mukuro shifts slightly in her seat.

"...You mean granted?"

A single beat of silence passes.

And then—

"OH MY F*ING GOD, MUKURO!"**

Junko EXPLODES, launching forward so aggressively that the entire couch jerks an inch across the floor.

"DID YOU JUST—DID YOU JUST, LIKE, CORRECT ME?! LIKE, ME?! ME, OF ALL PEOPLE?!"**

Her eyes are wide, frantic, borderline feral, and Mukuro barely has time to process before Junko lunges across the couch, grabbing her sister’s face with both hands and shaking her lightly, manic energy crackling off of her like static electricity.

"OH WOW, OH WOW, THIS IS SO CUTE. OH MY GOD, MUKURO THINKS SHE KNOWS SOMETHING I DON’T! AWWWW, ADORABLE! YOU MUST BE SO PROUD OF YOURSELF! YAAAAAAY, MUKURO KNOWS WORDS! GOOD FOR YOU!"

Mukuro says nothing. She just watches.

Which somehow makes it worse.

Junko immediately lets go and stands up, dramatically pacing.

"You know what? You know what, actually? I DID THAT ON PURPOSE. YEAH. YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT. Ever heard of a little thing called ‘Linguistic Rebellion,’ Mukuro? No, of course you haven’t, because you have the vocabulary of a sentient brick."

Mukuro just stares, impassive.

Junko spins, pointing aggressively.

"GRANITE. GRANTED. SAME THING. WHO EVEN CARES? WHO?! IT’S A REGIONAL DIALECT THING. SUPER HIGH-LEVEL! SOMETHING ONLY BIG BRAIN, 4D CHESS THINKERS LIKE ME UNDERSTAND. YOU'RE JUST TOO UNCULTURED TO GET IT."

Mukuro just sits there.

Junko seethes.

"Oh my god, you’re LOVING this, aren’t you?! You’re just sitting there, all smug and silent like ‘Ooooh, I finally got one over on Junko! My entire personality is just being a human weapon but now I have THE POWER OF GRAMMAR!’"

She mockingly mimics Mukuro's voice, arms crossed, face deadpan.

"‘Heh. You mean granted?’ OOOH, LOOK AT YOU, SHAKESPEARE! MUKURO F*ING IKUSABA, LITERARY GODDESS. WOW. SOMEONE CALL A PUBLISHER."**

Junko turns, dramatically collapsing onto the couch.

"This is honestly the most humiliating moment of my life."

Mukuro does not respond.

Junko’s eye twitches.

"You’re not even gonna say anything, huh?"

Silence.

"OH MY GOD, YOU’RE DOING THIS ON PURPOSE."

Junko sits back up, gripping her own hair, looking like she’s about to tear her extensions out.

"Fine. FINE. I hope you enjoy your tiny, microscopic, insignificant little ‘win’ here, Mukuro. I REALLY hope you’re satisfied. I hope it keeps you warm at night. I hope this moment plays on loop in your tiny, underdeveloped, ‘I let my little sister do all my thinking for me’ brain until the end of time."

Silence.

Junko glances sideways.

Mukuro is still sitting there. Still quiet.

Junko lets out a slow, rattling exhale.

Then—suddenly, dramatically, she flings herself backwards off the couch.

"I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS! I CAN'T LET THIS STAND! I REFUSE!"

There is a loud thud as she crashes onto the floor, rolling onto her stomach like a dying fish.

"MUKURO. SAY SOMETHING. ANYTHING."

Silence.

[danganronpama]

Junko sending hatemail to Mukuro over losing in quick match.

ARE YOU ACTUALLY SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?! 🤡🤡🤡

Tell me, Mukuro—did you actually enjoy that? Did you actually think you accomplished something? Because I need you to know, from the very core of my soul, that whatever microscopic drop of satisfaction you felt was completely undeserved.

Like, holy hell. HOW did I let you win? HOW? This isn’t even about the game anymore, Mukuro. It’s about you. It’s about the fact that you, my supposedly loyal little failure of a sister, actually had the audacity to think you could beat me at ANYTHING.

Oh, I bet you’re feeling so proud of yourself right now. I bet you’re sitting there, all quiet, all smug, thinking, "Wow, I actually won! Maybe I really am good at something!" Well, let me crush that dream right now.

You didn’t win because of skill. You didn’t win because you’re good. You won because I let you. Because I got bored. Because I spent half the match trying to land trick shots and laughing at how you move around like a lost NPC who just discovered WASD for the first time.

And yet, you still had the nerve to take the win seriously. THE AUDACITY.

I mean, Mukuro, come on. Be so for real right now. You are literally incapable of being better than me at anything. At LIFE, at GAMES, at HAVING A PERSONALITY—you don’t win, Mukuro. That’s not how this works.

And honestly? The fact that you thought this time was different is just... sad. Pathetic, even. Like, imagine training your whole life, being some super soldier assassin, only to think that winning one game against me suddenly makes you special.

IT DOESN’T.

YOU’RE NOT SPECIAL.

YOU’RE A TOOL. MY TOOL.

And now I have to sit here, knowing that my own little disappointment of a sister thinks she actually had a moment of victory against me. And I hate that. I HATE that so much.

You know what? Rematch. Right now. And this time? I’m making sure you don’t get so much as a SINGLE KILL. No mercy. No "Junko being nice." Just pure, calculated destruction.

And when I obliterate you? I’m going to make you say it out loud—that I am better. That you were stupid for even thinking otherwise.

Because you know what the real despair is, Mukuro?

Thinking you actually had a chance.

Now queue up, loser.

P.S. – If you don’t accept this rematch, I’m changing your contact name to "Pathetic NPC #016" in my phone.

[danganronpama]

Title: Like, the Perfect Accessory?

(The resort’s shopping district is calm, the sound of waves in the distance blending with the chatter of students moving between stores. Near a boutique, Kyoko Kirigiri browses a shelf of sunglasses, her posture relaxed but focused. Just as she reaches for a pair, a familiar, energetic voice interrupts her.)

Junko Enoshima (Mukuro Ikusaba): "Ooooh, Kirigiri! What a totally unexpected surprise! Are we, like, shopping buddies now?"

Kyoko Kirigiri: "I wouldn’t call it that."

Junko (Mukuro): "Ugh, okay, cold as ever. But like, c’mon, this is so out of character for you! You’re just, like, casually browsing? Not looking for secret clues or a hidden mystery?”

Kyoko: "Not everything needs to be a mystery. Sometimes things are just practical."

Junko (Mukuro): "Ooooh, practical, huh? That’s why you’re staring at, like, the most boring sunglasses on the rack? Kirigiri, c’mon. You’re better than this."

(Kyoko picks up a simple pair of black sunglasses but doesn’t respond.)

Junko (Mukuro): "Okay, okay, hold up, I gotcha. You need, like, a statement piece! Something that totally screams ‘Kyoko Kirigiri: Ultimate Detective Extraordinaire!’"

(Before Kyoko can protest, "Junko" grabs a pair of oversized, round sunglasses with bright pink rims and slips them onto Kyoko’s face.)

Junko (Mukuro): "Oh. My. God. You look amazing. This is, like, mysterious but fabulous. Very ‘undercover celebrity avoiding the paparazzi’ energy!"

Kyoko: "...I look ridiculous."

Junko (Mukuro): "Okay, yeah, maybe, but in, like, a super chic way! You’re totally missing the vibe."

(Kyoko sighs, takes them off, and places them back on the rack.)

Kyoko: "I’ll stick to something simple."

Junko (Mukuro): "Booo. Zero fun. But fine, fine, I won’t push it. Much."

(Despite her words, "Junko" still lingers, casually picking up different accessories and glancing at Kyoko between selections.)

Junko (Mukuro): "Y’know, I kinda get it, though. You’re, like, way into efficiency, right? No distractions, no extras, just what you need. Bet you don’t even own, like, a single thing that’s just for fun."

Kyoko: "That’s not true."

Junko (Mukuro): "Mmmm, really? Name one thing you own that’s totally impractical but you love anyway."

(Kyoko pauses, then looks away slightly.)

Kyoko: "That’s none of your business."

Junko (Mukuro): "Ooooh, suspicious! What could it be? A secret plushie? Some super rare book? Or—oh!—a totally cute hair accessory you’d never actually wear?!"

Kyoko: "I’m leaving."

(She turns to walk away, but "Junko" casually falls into step beside her, grinning.)

Junko (Mukuro): "Alright, alright, I’ll drop it. But for real, Kirigiri, sometimes you gotta just have things ‘cause they make you happy, not ‘cause they’re useful. Like, what if you found something perfect but didn’t buy it just ‘cause it wasn’t practical? That’s, like, a tragedy, y’know?"

(Kyoko doesn’t respond immediately, but something in her expression shifts slightly. "Junko," for all her dramatic energy, isn’t completely wrong. But instead of acknowledging it, she just shakes her head.)

Kyoko: "I’ll keep that in mind."

Junko (Mukuro): "See? I knew I could totally expand your horizons! I’m, like, so inspirational sometimes."

Kyoko: "I wouldn’t go that far."

(They continue walking, Kyoko keeping her usual calm demeanor while "Junko" chatters about the "perfect detective aesthetic." And though Kyoko would never admit it, she finds the conversation… oddly tolerable.)