dalavidaalaropa

[dalavidaalaropa]

Did I like Salinger because I was a teenager or because I was agoraphobic and he got it

[dalavidaalaropa]

:) you know it's bad if I'm listening to James blunt. I feel bad for my neighbors... anyway once again talking to the void,

I lost my best and longest friend and I miss her more than anything and I don't know how to live without her and everything makes me angry and sad and feels stupid.

[dalavidaalaropa]

Cw surgery, medical shit

Once again speaking to the void I fucking hate the medical system I'm sorry I know they just did something really good for my mom but they actually fucked up a LOT in the process and the surgeon didn't apologize and neither did the staff and I'm really upset because it could have been so bad. I wish that instead of passing blame and responsibility they would acknowledge they fucked up multiple times.

I could have lost my mom, it was an elective surgery, they should have acknowledged their mistakes.

If they said hey I'm actually so sorry for puncturing the wrong organ in surgery and also for the mix ups with anesthesia and the incisions and the healing time and the follow up.... If they said sorry I wouldn't be as upset and worried right now.

[dalavidaalaropa]

Update, even though this is just my way of speaking to the void, is that they removed the nerve and also something they think might be a nerve that they sent to pathology. That part isn't great. But she made it through surgery and it was successful, and we won't know if it has solved her voice problems but it's a big step.

My mother is being operated on right now, it's been a really harrowing journey to this point but I'm so happy for her. Hoping everything goes smoothly-- if you can, send a thought/prayer/intention/hope for her voice to feel true to her when she wakes up (I say this because this surgery may alter her voice permanently, and she is scared her voice won't sound like her voice when she wakes up) (she said they did tell her they charge extra to give people Donald duck voices so there's that at least)

[dalavidaalaropa]

My mother is being operated on right now, it's been a really harrowing journey to this point but I'm so happy for her. Hoping everything goes smoothly-- if you can, send a thought/prayer/intention/hope for her voice to feel true to her when she wakes up (I say this because this surgery may alter her voice permanently, and she is scared her voice won't sound like her voice when she wakes up) (she said they did tell her they charge extra to give people Donald duck voices so there's that at least)

[dalavidaalaropa]

I need a place to speak my thoughts into the void and the current thought is that it is wild but extremely awesome reading an analysis of blade runner and Terminator as related to coppelia (the ballet) anyway the book is Neuroscience in Science Fiction Films by Sharon Packer and I'm reading the third and fourth chapters, "the legacy of 19th century literature" and "androids, automatons, replicants, and robo cops"

[dalavidaalaropa]

Taking a break from life to share that there's nothing like Bill Callahan's Too Many Birds. Having some moments. Anyway if you want an uplifting tune with melancholy lyrics go listen to him .

Too many birds in one tree

Too many birds in one tree

And the sky is full of black and screaming leaves

The sky is full of black and screaming

And one more bird

Then one more bird

And one last bird

And another...

One last black bird without a place to land

One last black bird without a place to be

Turns around

In hopes to find

The place it last knew rest

[dalavidaalaropa]

Artist book prototype, for roots 2023

My dad said huh interesting and then praised my sister's artwork and then told me to start doing something (applied to over 100 jobs collectively with my partner..) so any love here would be appreciated.

Kinda feeling low.

[dalavidaalaropa]

Experimental Linocut Print with Oak Gall and Acorn Cap homemade ink. ridley creek rock, 2022. Info below

Still figuring out how to work with my foraged inks and pigments-- a little bummed bc I added way too much agar to the base and it thickened up grainy (I promise I mixed it and Then Heated and Then Cooled!). To make it useable with a brayer I added several tbsp of gum arabic to help disperse the pigments more evenly across the brayer. still a very wet process, but as I played around I found that the grain and variability is more exciting to me than getting a clear print or an even layer on the brayer. Edition of 7.

[dalavidaalaropa]

[dalavidaalaropa]

you tell me, you’re in love with me

[dalavidaalaropa]

more of my analog collage here

[dalavidaalaropa]

Lanternfly tattoo

[dalavidaalaropa]

“Listening to the World”, linocut by A. Munkhalov (1965)

[dalavidaalaropa]

High as a kite watching spirited away with the racist grandma

[dalavidaalaropa]

Never realized how taking an edible during turkey day is actually a godsend

[dalavidaalaropa]

I get that setting boundaries is important but telling me I'm being a baby bc I won't tell the woman that grabbed me by the neck when I was 11 that I am not a little shit and to stop talking about my mom is, to me, a bit much.

Victims of abuse of any kind decide for themselves what boundaries they set. I don't want to set boundaries with her because I can't handle that emotionally, and it doesn't mean I'm not an adult. It means I'm choosing self preservation and internal peace over setting boundaries with a woman I literally will never have to see outside of holidays.

It is not my job to turn your mother into a better person. It is not my responsibility to help someone become more self aware when they were responsible for so much pain in my childhood. It will not help me in any way to tell her that I'm uncomfortable. I'm perfectly capable of doing that with other people, I have done and will do, but I'm not an important enough person to her to make a difference in her behavior and acting like I am just puts undue emotional distress on me.

I tried explaining to my stepmom that the last time I saw this woman she was grabbing me by the neck. Just because you have been through abuse and have become a more direct and intense( and honestly intolerant of others boundaries) because of it, does not mean that I wish to act the same. You are not stronger than me because you can fight with people and drop it without conclusion. You are not braver than me for setting these boundaries with someone you see every day that I see once or twice every 5-10 years.

I do not care to be around her, and I will be tolerant while we are in the same space, but I don't feel that because I do not want to confront her behavior that I am not an adult. I am a very damaged adult. This family did that to me. I am aware and my boundaries include not spending extended time with any of you.