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Monday, 2023/01/09. by Jacob Hubertus

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i wanna start like analysing songs on here or something idk

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Views from the train (2019)

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this actually is rewiring my brain as we speak

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14 Lines From Love Letters Or Suicide Notes

(reposted by request. cheers.)

  14 Lines From Love Letters Or Suicide Notes.

1. Don’t freak out.

2. We both know this has been coming for a long time.

3. I have been staying awake at nights, wondering if I should tell you.

4. I bought the kind of crackers you like. They are in the hall cupboard.

5. Now that we have watched all the episodes of True Blood, I do not know what else to do next.

6. I have just been too afraid for too long.

7. This is the kind of thing where waiting for the time to be right would just mean waiting forever; it’s the kind of thing no one else can help you decide.

8. I came home on Thursday and found all of the chairs in the house stacked in a pile in the center of my kitchen; I don’t know how long they have been like that, but it must have been me that did it. It is the kind of thing a ghost might do, to prove to the living he is still there. I am haunting my own apartment.

9. My grandmother was still alive when I was five years old and she told me to check if the iron was hot enough yet, so I pressed my hand against it, and it was red and screaming for hours. Twenty five years later she would still sometimes apologize, in the middle of conversations, I feel so bad about making you touch the iron, she would say, as though it had just happened. I cannot imagine how we forgive ourselves for all of the things we didn’t say until it was too late. But how else do you tell if something is hot but to touch it?

10. I imagine my furniture in your apartment.  

11. I wonder how many likes it will get on facebook.

12. My dad always used to tell the same joke, but I can’t remember the punch line.

13. I was eight years old and it took three weeks (three eight year old weeks— imagine) to gather everything I needed to be Batman. Rope, boomerangs, a mardi gras mask with the beads cut off. I couldn’t find a cave near my house, so I buried them all in a bundle under the ivy. For years after,

I tried to find that spot again.

          The ivy grew too fast.

              I searched in so many spots

it seemed impossible I had missed any.

But I never found it.

How can something be there

       and then just not be there?

         How do we forgive ourselves

             for all the things we did not become?

14. I was never bold enough to buy bright green sheets. I wanted them, but always thought they were too brash, even with no one but me to see them. I bought a set yesterday and put them on the bed. I knew that you would like them. —-

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i feel like i use tumblr like a more cursed version of my secret twitter where i post every day multiple times and have people messaging me to make sure i’m still alive

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a small list of strange but fitting things I have done whilst I've been manic

TW: just everything i say here lol

since being diagnosed with bipolar 2 i have realised that when i do really weird impulsive stuff i am not being crazy, i am just manic. this is a list of things i have done which aren’t entirely self destructive (lying) because 1. i am bored 2. i like making lists and 3. i just came out of a month long depressive episode and i am THRIVING:

- got a bus to the city at night and walked around for two hours straight in the freezing cold whilst smoking the shittiest cigarettes i have ever had (i do not smoke) and listening to Natural Devotion by Spirit of the Beehive on repeat

- tried to order a hoover at 3am. it didn’t work luckily

- cancelled my train ticket so i could stay at university an extra day to play Minecraft 

- gone clubbing every night for a week, put myself in debt and slept for 2 hours a night just to do it all over again

- slept in my (now ex) boyfriends car because i didn’t want to go home and wake up my family at 3am

- posted an invite to a party on a massive field to everyone on my snapchat, despite not knowing more then half of them, and then proceeded to watch four of them get alcohol poisoning, one get their bike stolen and one to try to rob maccies 

- dated people i did not intend to date, only to break up with them as soon as i was depressed again (this one actually sucks and i do apologise)

- got high on LSD with a bunch of people i barely knew, ate three jumbo bags of Haribos, have a conversation with one of their pet cats and fall asleep on the sofa for 10 hours

- bought a skateboard? never used it? gave it to my sibling who actually could use it.

-  applied to an agency that could ‘link me up with big connections at Netflix’ and truly believed that i would be famous. it was a scam and i’m pretty sure they have my bank details

- had a dream that i formed a band, proceeded to call up my friends at 5am telling them that we HAD to start a band RIGHT NOW. they played along with it which was cool but once i snapped out of it they told me how it would probably never happen 

- put myself in debt multiple times (currently still am but savings exist for a reason)

- applied for a ton of jobs without knowing much about them but being convinced that i would get them. this one is actually good because it landed me a job and i actually made a fair amount of money! before i was fired because i decided that i didn’t ‘deserve’ it and never turned up. 

- tried to self delete multiple times but failed at each one. couldn’t jump in front of a train because it had been cancelled. couldn’t OD because i only had weak sleep pills from Boots and i ended up just having a really long deep sleep with dreams about talking animals or some shit. guess the world wants me to stick around a little longer.

- tried to become a cheerleader. i can’t even do a handstand.

good news: i am in therapy now and will be medicated soon (hopefully).

do it all for the plot :)  

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i hate car seat headrest

above text 

is listening to car seat headrest as i angrily type to convey my hatred which is very real

jerma does not know what car seat headrest is 

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shut up

im serious shut up  how do i tumblr

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he is just a happy lil man

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Barbarian (2022) directed by Zach Cregger.

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every social interaction i initiate feels like i’ve violated like 15 untold rules

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Hearts on the surface of Mars

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gay

women

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"this filter will show you if your teeth are yellow" "this filter will show you if your nose is perfect" "this filter will show you if your face is symmetrical" "this filter will show you if your lips are big" how about if we all blew up our phones forever