cynicaesura

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When was the last time you ate something green and NO GREEN M&M'S DON'T COUNT

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SON MISTAKE: In teaching my cat son boy the command "out"- intended to mean, "emerge from the enclosed space"- I have unwittingly trained him to understand that if I open a box, cupboard, cabinet, or fridge in his presence, he need only rush inside and stay there, firmly planted with his wide wet baby eyes, and he will surely be granted the opportunity to earn a delightful little treat

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if you hate disco im taking something out of your house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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eat an entire can of sweetened condensed milk. you deserve it.

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if somebody you knew for a year said "listen. im just gonna be honest here. i know ive known you too long to not know your name. but i simply do not. i dont know how this happened. im reasonably confident you told me your name at some point. could you remind me please" how would you react

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want salty snack but sleepy wife is asleep on my shoulder

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Orgasm denial but in the same way people talk about the moon landing being faked

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so ur at the party right and there’s this girl in the corner with another girl on a leash with the puppy ears on standard stuff and u start talking to her and she introduces the girl on the leash and says “this is my little puppy, Emily. say hi Emily” and the leash girl does a little bark at u and u say “oh that’s nice” and ur looking for a way to avoid the awkward silence during a 4 second period that feels like a half hour so u ask “does she know any tricks?” so the girl says “come on girl, show ‘em” and the puppy girl gets up pulls out a skateboard and starts doing the sickest kick flips u ever saw

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when u Mom com home and make hte spagheti

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Computer. Iris by the goo goo dolls. Loud enough to kill.

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film bro starter pack or something like that

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never posted this crochet tapestry that my friend made me for my birthday

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My fresh honeybee sweetcakes to improve vibration and digestion

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iM???? kkshd;bgdjsmmsnd;sn;

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one of the more interesting gender selectors i've seen