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I just found out she's the one. We went through my first high panic attack and she and I worked through it not only with ease and swiftness, but with a full range of emotion that brought me from self-loathing to happy butterflies in love at the end. her love and compassion is so healing. I love her so much.

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I wasn't kidding

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when you have bpd, dating other people is also sort of like dating yourself because of mirroring their personalities. you’re also getting to know this new self that comes with the new person

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when your SO doesn't text you goodnight and you think wow this is it time to start writing my next emo song about the breakup and then you realize they did text you back and you just didn't see it and then you love them so much

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I’m fucked up again

I don’t even know how long it’s been since I last posted on this blog

My girlfriend broke up with me. I was almost getting ready to say I loved her. I didn’t want to be presumptuous, but I honestly thought she was the girl of my dreams. I could see us traveling the world together. I thought she was going to be someone important in my life. Her affection toward me made my whole day.

And I found out it was all a lie. She told me that she thought she’d never feel more than friendship towards me.

I feel hurt. I feel tremendously sad. I feel broken. We said such sweet things to each other, and it all meant nothing. It feels worse than I thought it could. I don’t understand what is wrong with me. I feel like no one will ever love me romantically.

What’s worse, if I went a month believing that she liked me, how will I ever know if someone likes me? How can I ever believe someone again? I hate this.

I want to fucking be numb but I can’t. I want to die. This will always be my life. I can’t stop crying. I want to take so much medicine that I can’t feel anything. I don’t care.

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I still remember when you said goodbye to her.

Her going away party. Before you and her had your "perfect" day together to really say goodbye.

Everyone was at her house. You should have been having fun with the rest of us, but you were tucked away in the dark field.

I called you later that night and you cried on the phone to me. You told me you didn't understand why God would take someone like that away from you.

When I went to you in the field, you were catching fireflies and putting them in a jar. I tried to talk to you. You were silent. I helped collect. Once you had filled the jar and emptied the skies, you released the jar at once, light spilling into the darkness. As if it could have symbolized some deep feeling you were coping with. As if you were in a fucking movie and you knew that this is what the lead male would have done.

That was when I knew you would never love me more than you loved her.

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Right now... Scared and sad. And that's all.

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Then, Now, and Later

Then, I cried myself to sleep almost nightly. Unable to pinpoint my sadness. Even when things were good. I think that's when I cried the most, because I thought one day it would be over, and I'd never know happiness again.

Now, I don't cry over you anymore.

Then, you would tell me that I'm beautiful, tell me I'm everything. Make me believe it. I couldn't help falling in love with you.

Now, falling out of love hurts much less than falling in love.

Then, you held me tight, promised me it would get better. That I would stop feeling so empty inside, so hurt, so broken, so useless. You told me I wouldn't always cry when you left. I told you the only way that would happen is if the ocean between us grew larger. You said that would never happen.

You still left and I still cried, and every tear fell between us, and the ocean grew larger. And I cried less.

I remember then. Thirsting for a closeness that even your skin on mine could never quench. Stealing kisses, making you shudder in delight as my lips traced your ear. Keeping our secrets. I remember the day I realized all the flaws in your character and imperfections in your figure made me love you even more. I remember silently drowning in the thought of you being mine as we wasted time in hotels and cars. I knew you could have emotionally destroyed me, and I think I wanted you to. I wanted to be completely yours, I wanted you to unravel my mind as you took off my clothes.

But now it's different. It no longer matters. I used to cry for the day when I no longer wanted to cry over you.

And later... I have not yet thought about what might happen later.

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While I was begging for a text from you, you were busy writing her handwritten letters...

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this is getting harder

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Today I learned my best friend has been lying to me for over a year. I feel betrayed, hurt, confused. I have already forgiven him though. I love him too much.

I just feel desolate. I give so much love to people, and get nothing in return.

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I could never be a therapist. I just... I can't listen to people's problems. It all seems so mundane and dumb. Or I get to caught up and feel really bad and want to cry.

Is that how people feel when I talk? :\

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What a silly thought, that someone could love me the same way I loved them

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If this is really what you want, so be it.

I'll shut you out - emotionally.

Then you don't have to see my bad sides anymore.

You never cared about the good side, anyway.

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Why wouldn't you tell me that you're bringing someone to MY house?

Do you really not want to be alone with me?

Really strong urges to self harm right now. 

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It's just really not fair that I put so much effort into being interesting and you don't give a shit, but you're still the one losing interest in me.