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Intro: A good pair shoes

The abusive ex had Kardashian tastes with the misogyny levels to match on a dollar store budget. He would confuse flashy, trendy, and branded with high quality. His purchases would cycle through one wash and be thrown out. His shopping needs were a double anxiety attack of this low quality clothes that don’t last two weeks and I would be the one footing the bill. Through association with me, his tastes ended up being more expensive when I taught him where to look for quality pieces that also lasted. The fact that I would be footing bills (related to the clothing purchase or elsewhere) didn’t change.

I am going to walk through a series of posts highlighting what buyers should look for in shoes which balance budget, wardrobe, comfort, and style. None of any of the observations will be based on science or insider industry knowledge. I disclaim any affiliation with anything other than trying to get a good deal, satisfy my shoe cravings, and rectify my poor choices early in my disposable income life.

My biggest advice before I elaborate in later posts is don’t follow what others are doing! Find what suits you best.

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A patterned blazer among a soft monochromatic background helps show off your figure as viewers parse the different shades of black with dark maroon. Pale heels give some whimsy against the dark clothes.

I first wore these heels when in the first couple months of dating the abusive ex. I didn’t buy it for him, but for myself. Hence why I kept them instead of throwing them out; they were not tainted yet.

Think critically about what you want to keep when leaving. I regret a lot of things I left behind, but I knew I had to leave them behind in order to break free as fast as I could.

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Hyperarousal (no, it’s not sexual)

I just learned what hyperarousal is, one of the symptoms that display in PTSD. I’ve been feeling it for 11 months. I don’t deserve to feel that every day of my life.

I should never always feel like I am living in fear and sick anticipation every single day, or towards any single action during that day.

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The biggest warning sign for anyone is: ARE YOU AFRAID TO TALK ABOUT IT IN CASE IT STARTS A FIGHT.

How To Spot The Signs of Financial Abuse:

Dealing with money in a relationship is often a challenge, but sometimes the financial control one partner imposes on the other can lead to financial abuse. According to Shannon Thomas, a licensed therapist and the author of “Exposing Financial Abuse,” using money as a form of control or power is very common — and very damaging.

“Financial abuse involves the exploitation and control and management of finances,” Thomas says. “It’s really about a psychologically abusive relationship where one person, through their lack of attachment and really through a lack of empathy for their partner, is getting everything that they can out of that relationship.”

As a therapist, Thomas has treated victims of all kinds of abuse and estimates that 95% of abuse survivors have dealt with financial abuse. In her research for her book, Thomas heard from almost 2,000 people who shared stories of manipulation, emotional distress, financial control, and even financial ruin. Thomas says the stories shocked her.

“I’ve been a trauma-informed therapist for a number of years, and I was completely stunned by the bone-chilling and very raw stories that came out of it,” she says.

Warning signs

When it comes to identifying financial abuse, Thomas says it can be of a covert nature, in which subtle, deceitful behaviors are used to gain power in a relationship. Thomas says these behaviors are warning signs, and people should consider how much control their partner is asking for, and what their reaction is when money comes up in conversation.

“Is the person becoming a bully or defensive? Ask, am I afraid to talk about money because it will start a fight?” she advises.

Many times, there are red flags early on in the relationship that go ignored and the abuse will continue for years, she says. “There’s just a lot of underpinnings of psychological games that get played with financial abuse,” Thomas says. “When we’re getting to know someone new, we will see red flags early on, like asking for passwords of asking for full financial access.”

More extreme examples of financial abuse include when your partner is explicitly controlling the finances—like moving money from a joint account into an individual account, taking out lines of credit and racking up debt in your name without your knowledge or moving large assets into individual accounts before a divorce.

Thomas says the deception is often a surprise to the person exposed to financial abuse. “A lot of survivors are very deep within the financial abuse before they have any sense that it’s actually going on, and unfortunately they are so deep that their credit has been very damaged,” Thomas says.

One anonymous victim shared her story in Thomas’s book, illustrating how extreme the deception can become.

“They didn’t even know what was going on until the person had been arrested, because that abuser was able to manage all of the money coming in, all of the mail coming in, and all of the phone calls coming in,” Thomas says. “It wasn’t until they were physically removed through an arrest for fraud that the survivor was able to get the full picture of what had been happening.”

Being able to spot the signs will help lead to the road to recovery, but Thomas cautions it can be a difficult path.

“This is one of the abuses in the hidden abuse spectrum that is the hardest to overcome,” Thomas says. “The relationship can be long gone and the financial debt lasts much longer than the relationship.”

Thomas says the first step to stop the abuse is to get new bank accounts and credit cards in order to manage the damage and rebuild credit.

“It’s really about putting that hedge of protection up and rebuilding your credit,” Thomas says.  “People have to be really prepared to take it as a marathon.”

Visit the Office of Women’s Health or the National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV) for more information and resources on financial abuse.

source

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I wasn’t important

I had the strongest feeling I was being financially abused and gaslit/emotionally abused, but wondered if I was the one emotionally abusing him. I would scout the web trying to understand what was wrong. Everything pointed to him being an asshole or abuser. I would always be believing him even as I had to prepare funds to cover his ass plus my own bills. “I always keep my promises,” he would say, and then break them with the excuse, “Things came up.”

Only after I left after several reiterations or pleading him to spend less with his bullshit excuses and frightening intimidation and shouting, did I realize his wants and desires, the so-called “things that come up” were and always will be more important than me, even in spite of his exclamations of me being the love of his life.

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Love the Lips, Hide the Pain

One of the biggest changes I made other than coordinating my clothes again was adding in lipstick. It really helps bring me alive without doing a face full of makeup. The coral color of Burt’s Bees tinted lip balm in Zinnia is actually less orange than the cap portrays, but it a bit pinker. It goes on a soft magenta with peach/pink undertones, giving a natural look. I layer it with Lancome’s cream lipstick in Curtain Call. This cream lipstick is actually a bit drying and matte in spite of the sparkles you see in the bullet, but when put on top of lip balm it glides on smoothly. The color without a balmy base is a very strong, bold purplish red you would see in burlesque dances. I love it. On top of the Zinnia tint, though, it smooths out the muddy application of the lip balm with a darker red. The combination helps overcome any other red splotches on the face, while making it look almost natural or overly bold.

My face has this weird white undertone like I’m sickly, which developed from poor nutrition and extreme stress for 11 months living and suffering under an abuser. While I used to be porcelain china white, I grew up pretty happy outside tanning in southern California sun. The sickly undertone makes my breakouts (which were viciously reoccurring in the abusive relationship due to stress and hormones ruined by stress) that I’m struggling with more visible. Basically, the redness of the darned acne pops out. The lipstick I’m wearing helps mask it a bit by refocusing the red hues towards my lips, which is where the redness should be! And then my acne is downplayed a bit.

The abusive ex hated women, but loved Korean idols and singers. He hated people wearing makeup and lipstick, and said everyone in America wearing lipstick were ugly. He hated red lipstick. Even after pointing out Korean people wear lipstick too, he said they weren’t, or said it looked more natural so was okay. My wearing colored chapstick with some lipstick in the beginning degraded to not even wearing uncolored chapstick to protect myself from the dry weather or even the drying out of lips from lack of eating/drinking.

So my wearing lipstick is also a giant FUCK YOU. Don’t ever listen to someone who has different views than you. And if that person starts hating on a large swathe of people around you but is fetishizing something else, RUN AWAY. It isn’t a red flag but a giant klaxon shouting at you to stand attention.