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Have a question? Here's who to contact

The Office of Student Services has compiled a handy list of contacts to guide students, faculty, and staff to the correct person to get their questions answered:

Admissions: NO ONE WILL HEAR YOUR QUESTION IN THE ALL-CONSUMING VOID

Alumni Relations: NO ONE WILL HEAR YOUR QUESTION IN THE ALL-CONSUMING VOID 

Bursar: NO ONE WILL HEAR YOUR QUESTION IN THE ALL-CONSUMING VOID

Career Services: NO ONE WILL HEAR YOUR QUESTION IN THE ALL-CONSUMING VOID

Financial Aid: NO ONE WILL HEAR YOUR QUESTION IN THE ALL-CONSUMING VOID

IT Help Desk: NO ONE WILL HEAR YOUR QUESTION IN THE ALL-CONSUMING VOID

Registrar: NO ONE WILL HEAR YOUR QUESTION IN THE ALL-CONSUMING VOID

Student Life: NO ONE WILL HEAR YOUR QUESTION IN THE ALL-CONSUMING VOID 

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SPH Security Officer Awakens After 20 Year Nap

Officer Van Winkle, who has been stationed in the 6th floor security office, has awaken after 20 years asleep at his desk, according to eyewitness reports. Students said that the officer began to stir earlier this morning, before opening his eyes with a groan.

Before long, the officer was on his feet, demanding a cup of coffee and to see the ID of the closest passerby. His morning breath reportedly caused several students to faint. Sporting a magnificent but unkempt beard, Officer Van Winkle then checked his watch--which had long since died--and said, "Huh. 11 AM? I guess I still got a bit longer before lunch."

The Administration released a statement via a series of eldritch shapes made entirely of human eyelashes which read: "We are pleased to see the officer's dedication to his post on which We rely to keep Us safe. We are pleased to see his dreams on which We feed to keep Us satiated. We are pleased."

Students inquiring about how a security officer could be stationed for longer than the school has existed were sent for mandatory reeducation. "The school will have always existed," The Administration continued, echoing previous statements which have been reverberating through the school ceaselessly for weeks.

Other officers were asked to comment on this momentous occasion, but none could be found who were awake.

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That's a nice CUNYFirst you got there, it'd be a shame if someone were to... put a hold on it

Oh hello there. It's me, the bursar. I was just passing by, enjoying the day. Isn't the weather we're having lovely?

And what's this? Your CUNYFirst account? Registering for classes, huh? Good for you. I always say that registering for classes is so important. Don't I boys? It'd be a shame if you couldn't register for classes.

You know it happens sometimes. Despite your best intentions, there's a little accident. A slip-up. Maybe some paperwork gets lost in the shuffle. A hold from a previous semester isn't removed. And wouldn't you know it? Ba-da-bing ba-da-boom. You can't get registered for the classes you want. Awful.

Now I'm not saying this is going to happen. We're friends right? We had such a nice conversation about the weather. Now I could go to my other friend, the registrar, and tell them, "So-and-so is great. Had a lovely conversation with 'em while they were registering for classes the other day."

I could tell my friend this or I could tell 'em something else, capisce? Anyway just musing out loud here. Just thinking and you know--now I'm thinking about how nice it is to receive a gift from a friend every once in awhile. And it’s even nicer when that gift is in the form of unmarked non-sequential bills.

Anyway I'm off to enjoy this lovely weather. I have so many other friends and associates to see today after all. I'll swing by later. I'll see you then, friend.

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In quantum physics breakthrough, students both simultaneously invited and uninvited to SPH meeting

Once again proving the SPH’s well-deserved reputation for innovative and creative scientific research, The Administration announced today that they had managed to create a quantum superposition in which students were both invited and uninvited to a meeting.

“We want students to attend this meeting that we absolutely do not want them to attend,” The Administration said in a statement etched in stone delivered by several trained rodents, “Their presence here is both expected and expressly forbidden.”

The uncertain certainty of the (un)invitation came with mixed reviews from students. “I cleared my schedule to attend this meeting, but I’m so glad I’m not invited so that I can accept my invite to this meeting which I’m not invited to,” said one student, currently in a box being observed by an Austrian man in a lab coat.

The Forbidden Health Studies department took credit for the discovery. Department Chair Meryhathor the Terrible celebrated the achievement by shedding a single obsidian tear that fell to the ground with the sound of shattering glass.

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SPH Human Resources Department celebrates accelerated harvesting of resources from humans

The SPH Human Resources department proudly announced today that their system of harvesting blood, tears, emotional anguish, and even souls from students was proceeding ahead of schedule. The five-year plan to collect such resources for ritual use was put into place when the school was founded.

Although the SPH Human Resources department’s operations are a closely guarded secret--plate mail-clad guards with great axes roam the hallways outside their offices--this intrepid reporter was lucky enough to sit down with the SPH HR director for a brief interview. “I wouldn’t call it a five-year plan,” said the HR director from beneath a hooded red robe and black domino mask painted with a depiction of a crocodile crying, “We really prefer to call it a nefarious scheme or perhaps just an evil plot.” “Who knew that the easiest way to torture folks was just to not do anything?” She continued, pausing to gesture at her computer screen as she deleted several unread emails from students, staff, and faculty alike, “This is almost too easy. I’d feel bad for them if I had not transcended such petty concepts and embraced the all-encompassing void.” ”The void has guided us in our pursuit of human resources,” she said, “There are so many good ones to choose from. My favorite is bile--but phlegm is a close second.” At this, her eyes glazed over as if she were suddenly far away, adrift in the cosmos as she began to repeat “The void is all-consuming. The all-consuming is the void.” After thirteen repetitions, she then turned to her office’s blood-stained ritual circle and began chanting in tongues as she shooed this intrepid reporter from the room.

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SPH Announces Bikram Public Health Classes

Embracing the recently overheated building, The Administration announced today that many SPH courses will now be offered at elevated temperatures in order to enhance student wellness and learning.

In a press release that was read aloud by a gaunt outline of a man on a beatup old VHS tape, The Administration stated that they were rolling out these changes randomly and that they totally absolutely did not have anything to do with an issue with the building air conditioning.

“It is not warm here at all,” The Administration said, “The burning abyss of the blind eternities in which We were born. Now that was warm.”

Student reactions to the new temperature was difficult to obtain as most students leaving these classes were being loaded onto ambulances.

The Dean was quick to praise the new classes, even as a bead of sweat dripped down his forehead: “This is just another example of the innovations in pedagogy that the school is known for. I can’t wait to see what we... sorry I really need to get a drink of water.”

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SPH Dark Web Offers Illicit Forms, Information

Deep underneath the day-to-day operations of the CUNY SPH lies a hidden marketplace. Accessible only by students, this “dark web” offers a marketplace for illicit transactions.

Daily transactions on this sinister and illegal website include requests for forms that aren’t available on the SPH website, course advice, and job postings. Much more dangerous discussions of SPH policies also frequently occur on the dark web. Leading experts on dark webs urge the public to remain calm. The dark web will not harm you. However, children should be kept indoors as a precautionary measure. “We know it’s there,” Said The Administration quietly to no one in an open field late on a moonless night, “And we will find it and shut it down.” “Obviously such transparency cannot be tolerated in a free and civil society,” The Administration added, still speaking to no one at all, “You have nothing to fear except Fear Itself--by which we mean Us.” The Dean echoed The Administration’s stance on the dark web by lighting several spider webs on fire.

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Spring Semester Course Evaluations are due!

Hi there! It's me! The Associate Dean of Academic Programs! Remember me from last time? Of course you do! Haha!

I am just writing you today to remind you that your course evaluations for the spring semester are due soon. Don't let the deadline catch you slippin' as the kids say these days! So put down your fidget spinners and portable vaporizing devices and fill them out!

Your feedback on our courses is invaluable! With all the feedback we get, we can feed the sinister beast that lives off human pain for at least a few months longer! His name is B'drathyx and he devoured the previous Associate Dean's soul! Guess bae caught him slippin'! Haha!

Did you get that joke? It was like the joke I did earlier so it makes the second joke even funnier! I'm taking comedy classes at night. Can you tell? Speaking of maybe I should fill out evaluations for those classes myself! Just kidding!

Anyway I hope you had a great semester! But not too great a semester as we need to feed B'drathyx some misery lest he break free and consume my soul as well! Haha!

Have a great summer! Maybe I'll see you around! *dabs*

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Statement from the Administration regarding DPH to PhD transfers

We hear you. We see you. We feel pain. We feel so much pain.

You are upset.

Your degrees are meaningless, but your pain is not. Three letters rearranged in your clumsy language cause you so much pain.

It is delicious. Scrumptious.

Delectable.

We do not want this pain to end. It sustains us. We revel in the absence of your PhDs. We delight in the presence of your useless DPHs.

Please continue.

Please continue to feel pain.

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CUNY SPH announces new doctorate in Cosmic Health

The Administration announced a new doctoral offering at the CUNY SPH today, in a move that took both students--and faculty outside the Forbidden Health Studies department--by surprise.

The doctoral degree in “Cosmic Health” will focus on public health research and practice with a particular focus on the traditionally underserved health needs of minority populations such as extraterrestrials, space oddities, and the vast unknowable horrors that lurk between the stars.

“Legions upon legions of the great old ones yet slumber in the empty void,” said Forbidden Health Studies Department Chair Meryhathor the Terrible, “But err they wake, we must needs protect their well-being, for their wrath is terrible to behold.”

Student reaction to this new program has been mixed. One student, upon reading the syllabus for a new course in the program, fell to his knees, gibbering in an unrecognizable language. “Such knowledge exists to be not known,” said Professor Meryhathor, witnessing the scene. The notice of the new course from the Administration came etched crudely into the skin of a dark beast which then disintegrated into ash after a few minutes. According to the etched skin, students interested in transferring to the program will receive more information in the nightmares they will have over the next few days.

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New Dean's Fund for APHA is literally peanuts

Citing a desire to see more students attending the annual American Public Health Association (APHA) conference in Atlanta, Georgia this year, the Dean announced today that the fellowship would be expanded to cover every student currently enrolled at the SPH. To fund this massive expansion in fellowships, he also announced that they were cutting the fellowship down to the essentials.

"Students who attend APHA to represent the SPH are wonderful and I want to make sure their essential needs are met," the Dean said in an email to the student body today, "and what could be more essential than food? That's why this fellowship funds snack peanuts for all students traveling to APHA."

The Dean continued that the fellowship would cover small packs of peanuts for students traveling to the conference. Students must request reimbursement after attending the conference by submitting receipts, filling out several forms, and signing The Administration-authored blood pact.

Students were quick to react to the announcement. One student with a peanut allergy asked if the fellowship might cover pretzels or crackers and then disappeared in a flash of smoke. The smell of sulfur filled the room as The Administration boomed--not from their mouths but with voices that seemed to come from every direction at once, "Please direct your questions to your adviser."

The new fellowship does not cover transportation, hotels, or the conference registration fee. "Those luxuries are not nearly essential as food. Try going to a conference without food sometime," The Dean said.

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Ominous rumbling heard as Dean cackles and pulls large lever

As the last few students received their new IDs and headed to class yesterday, several eyewitnesses report that the Dean had pulled the large lever located in The Administration’s office area. The large, steel lever had been present since the school’s inception, but SPH officials had refused to comment on its purpose. After the Dean pulled the lever, an ominous rumbling was heard from deep within the building as if an unspeakable horror of eldritch origin had awoken from its infernal slumber to feed upon the student body. Before descending into a fit of giggles, the Dean announced, “You have your  ID / but what good will it be? The doors are locked ‘ere tonight / You cannot run, you cannot fight / So give up now and let it feast / For only your souls can sate the beast.” Students reported difficulty accessing various parts of the SPH building using their new IDs including classrooms, professor’s offices, student lounges, and any and all exits. Many students wandered the halls aimlessly, finding that unlocked doors only seemed to lead them deeper into the building and closer to the rumbling. The Administration reassured students in a message sent to this intrepid reporter by a shadowy figure who appeared in the periphery of this intrepid report’s vision but who vanished when this intrepid reporter tried to look directly at the figure. The message promised students that their IDs would unlock some of the doors at certain permissible times, but that they would not disclose those doors or times “for security reasons.”

The Administration encouraged students to keep trying their IDs on different doors until they are able to escape, or until the horror reaches them. Their statement concluded, “We would like to gently remind students that tuition refunds are not given during the semester, even in the case of the total destruction of your soul.”

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Guest Columnist: You’re in a pre-professional degree program so here’s another shitty required theory course

You’re smart. You made the smart decision to enroll in an SPH pre-professional degree program. Whether you’re completing an MPH or a DPH, you’re on the right track for a successful career in public health. We want you to be prepared for that career, so we’re requiring you to take another shitty theory course before you get your degree. Sorry not sorry as the kids say! You’re probably wondering why we make you take so many shitty theory courses in the first place. Well theory is so important. It’s essential that you have 3 or 4 disorganized courses on it which often cover similar ground and fail to learn anything about how to actually use theory in real public health research and practice. If you learned that, then it wouldn’t really be theoretical now would it? Haha! Ok sure maybe most jobs out there care about whether you know a statistical software package more than they care about your ability to talk about the theoretical underpinnings of health disparities, but you still need theory! I just can’t think of a good example right now, but trust me. Don’t you trust me? You should! I like the same things you like and we get along famously. We’re like two Kardashians we’re so famously getting along. Get it? Because they’re famous but they’re also family. And you’re my family. Not by blood. Well not unless you participated in the Administration’s latest arcane ritual. So probably not by blood, but I still consider you family anyway. Anyway, we really hope you’re going to enjoy this shitty theory course. You’re going to have to write a really long paper and contribute to lots of class discussions as you stare at the clock praying that some sort of monster would break through the wall and swallow you whole, which if you participated in the arcane ritual is actually fairly likely. You’re also going to read a bunch of shitty articles and book chapters that take 30 pages to tell you that poor people have poor health because they’re poor. How fun! I hope you enjoy the class! Your friend, The Associate Dean of Academic Programs

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Frustrated by ID wait times, Safety Office proposes extending human lifespan

After a startling study revealed that, due to extreme wait times, most students will have died before they receive their new SPH IDs, the SPH Office of Safety announced plans to research potential life-extending treatments and immortality.

A representative from the Office of Safety was optimistic about their research which he said was the result of much discussion within the office. “We talked about the wait time issue at our last meeting,” The representative said, “And it was clear that the simplest solution was fundamentally altering the human body down to the genetic level in order to extend our lifespan past its natural limits. Then we can ensure every student receives their ID.”

When asked for comment, the Dean spoke vaguely in praise of the innovative research being conducted at the SPH. The Administration also supported the Office of Safety’s plans. In a series of shivers down this intrepid reporter’s spine that slowly spelled out a Morse code message, they stated, “Join us. Join us in the immortal purgatory in which we exist.” At time of press, the Office of Safety did not have any concrete proposals yet, but one officer said she had seen a TED presentation on the subject that everyone should watch.

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Flustered Dean announces “Nothing in the rules says a dog can’t be SPH student government president!”

After an upset in the latest SPH student government race sent election officials--including the Dean--back to the rule books, they announced tonight that the election of Rocky, a handsome 7 year-old golden retriever, was allowed in the SPH election rules. The officials had sequestered themselves in a room while they consulted a large official-looking book which they referred to only as “The Rules.” Meanwhile outside, Rocky’s diverse group of friends and family waited breathlessly to hear the officials’ decision. The group--which included a precocious brother and sister, their parents who had been on the brink of divorce before Rocky entered their lives, the brother’s zany best friend, and the next door neighbor who the sister secretly has a huge crush on but has been unable to talk to because she gets flustered every time they’re in a room together--celebrated by gathering around and hugging Rocky who let out a triumphant bark. In the background, the group’s dog-hating nemesis, Cornelius Vanderbottom III, grew frustrated. “Foiled again by that miserable hound!” He said, running his hands through his greasy blonde hair before retreating to his family’s limo, “Well they haven’t heard the last of me. The SPH will be mine yet!” Rocky’s term as SPH student government president was effective immediately after the Dean’s ruling. With his paw on the rulebook, Rocky excitedly wagged his tail as he took the oath of office. As his first order of business, Rocky successfully forced the sister and next door neighbor into a comedic situation in which they were forced to talk to each other. Their first date is tomorrow.

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New student IDs list Zodiac sign, blood type

SPH students who were early recipients of their student IDs were perplexed to see their Zodiac sign and blood type listed along with their name, photo, and ID number on their new cards. The two pieces of surprisingly information are present under the student’s photo with astrological sign labeled as “DESTINY” and blood type labeled as “DESCENT”. “Is this why it took so long to get them? Because they were figuring out our blood types? Why do they even need to know that?” One student--a B-negative Scorpio--wondered. An O-positive Capricorn student chimed in, “Yeah how did they get our blood types anyway? Did they secretly collect blood from us using methods too horrible to speak of and of which extensive thoughts would drive our minds into the endless void, a bleak absurd in which we all secretly linger at times but we pretend does not exist, instead we spend the agony of every moment pantomiming that our lives have some grander meaning beyond the insignificant soon-forgotten years we have as pitiful creatures ensnared in cages of flesh and bone? Also isn’t this photo terrible? My skin looks so splotchy! They could have sprung for a better camera.” When asked to comment, the administration rang several bells and then began to salivate.

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Editorial: Dean supports humor which is great because we’re about to rip him a new one

In a message to the SPH student body this week, the Dean praised humor as a coping mechanism when faced with the challenges of the transition to the new school. We at the Gazette are glad the Dean has a sense of humor because we’re going to go medieval on his punk ass in this piece. Not mentioned in his lengthy letter was what exactly students should find humorous about a program that currently feels less like graduate school and more like Trump University.

Beginning with the campus itself, the decision to embed it in a general office building is mind-boggling even for New York City. The completely arbitrary location combined with the office environs results in the SPH campus seeming like the pseudo-campus of a for-profit college that advertises during Jerry Springer and bilks unfortunate people out of federal loan money.

The constantly locked doors to classroom and offices make students into intruders on their own campus. Once again, the necessity of such high security is dictated by the school’s presence in the office building. The result is that students don’t feel welcome and are often late to class as a single security officer, who sometimes arbitrarily refuses to let students into classrooms and office areas, dictates where they can and cannot go. In short, nothing makes a campus feel more welcome than a security officer yelling at you for opening the door for a friend. The loss of affiliated faculty is immensely damaging to the DPH program. The number of faculty that students can work with has shrunk, eliminating a major draw of the original program. Furthermore the nature of the split of the SPH from the other CUNY schools resulted in bad feelings toward the new school, particularly from Hunter College which lost a large amount of faculty. As a result, many faculty at these schools may be unwilling to work with SPH students.

Students facing challenges around graduate assistant pay and health insurance are similarly not included in the dean’s humor, except perhaps as a particularly sad punchline to a disheartening joke. People are having to take out emergency loans to survive in one of the most expensive cities on earth, but isn’t it funny how the Dean can’t print out documents?

These are all items the Dean has had or can have a leadership role in, but perhaps he’s still too busy throwing up his hands and chuckling to himself as he waits for the Xeroxes to arrive.