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A Little Bit of Sunshine and a Lot of Faith
Somewhere Making Memories
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Useless Words
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Long Distance: Year 1
Sometimes the heart doesn’t know what it wants until it finds what it wants.
I met him in the summer of 2014 after high school graduation. It was one of those summers where the sun’s warm rays bounced against my skin, the air I deeply inhaled was a refreshing aroma of sea breeze and the wind had a way to perfectly fan through my long silky black hair. When I think back to that summer, I think of endless snow cones, sweet laughters, sneaking into lakes late at night not caring what other people had to say, and lying to our parents about our whereabouts. We were young, wild and free because we knew that this would be the last summer to be just that. Before we went separate ways for college.
Each goodbye felt bittersweet.
We weren’t exclusive yet because even though we enjoyed our summer, a part of us knew that there was going to be one goodbye that would feel like the last. The goodbye that would end the summer as I left for college in the fall. The one that would decide if it was a “had a great time, thanks, goodbye!” or “I’ll see you soon, goodbye” type. However, we were hopeful. We hoped that though I’ll be 4 hours away, we’d still like each other enough to make it last. He was a small town boy who fell in love with a city-souled girl. Ah how we craved to be in love.. it was a time where all we had to worry about was the distance, nothing more.
As all long distance relationships would have it, there were a lot of compromises. I found myself coming home almost every weekend if not every other weekend just to see him. And he would make the trip to come see me too. So when he finally asked me to be his girlfriend, I knew my heart was his and his heart was mine. He was my second long distance relationship, the first didn’t end so well but I suppose I’ll save that story for another time (because it’s long and draining as hell, trust me). I was his second relationship as well but for the both us, we were each other’s first real relationship.
My first college semester revolved around staying in on the weekends and ending my nights early because all I wanted to do was talk to him. We spent hours talking about our day, what we had eaten, how we felt, and how much we missed each other. Our honeymoon stage was filled with getting to know the details because discovering new things about our personalities was so fascinating. We learned that we trusted each other more than we thought (being long distance and all). I didn’t care if he was out with his friends and he didn’t care when I went out with mine. We just had this mutual understanding that we were each other’s world. I think this was because our communication was fantastic. He never gave me a reason to be crazy or jealous and I never gave him a reason either. I was never interested in anyone else, no doubts, nothing. He was all I saw. In my eyes, he was it. No one else could even come close to being better for me than him. That’s how we knew this was the relationship we had been looking for.
Our first year together was the most memorable. We made love, we felt love, and we gave love. Though we were young, it sure felt like it was going to be forever because we had defied all the odds of being in a long distance relationship. All we wanted to do was spend every moment together, share our secrets, kiss and hug. He embraced me and made me feel like I was the only thing that mattered. My sweet summer song, my fall embrace, winter cuddles, and spring fling.. we kissed under the sun and danced in the moonlight.
The first year was when we loved the hardest, when we were the strongest.
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Backstory
I use to love writing. It was a way for me to truly express how I felt because if anyone asked me “how are you?” it would be answered one of two ways: “Hey! yeah no I’m good! (-:” or “Hey! yeah no I’m good )-:” and it always made me so uncomfortable to have to explain to someone why I wasn’t okay at the time. Perhaps to me it was better to keep having to share these negative emotions to myself than to burden someone else with it. Or maybe because I was afraid that if I didn’t agree with what they advised me to do or if I had no solution that was good enough, it would invite unwanted predetermined judgements.
I would rather just fake the smiles.
Yeah, that was it. So I wrote. I wrote my thoughts and the predicaments I was in. In a way it helped map the roots to my problems and the consequences that came with every decision I made. Almost like drawing a chart out with a pen. Once you make a decision, you can’t really erase it. So what happens when it’s already done? You figure out how to make it better. A way to make it better for you and only you. Because in the end, it’s your life. No one can change how you feel because ultimately it is still your decision. Right?
That’s the mindset I had.
However, I learned that being emotionally independent takes a huge part of me every time. This progressively made me feel as if I didn’t really know who I was as a person. Though I had great friends that kept me happy, I still felt so alone. How did I find myself in a dark hole sunken all the way to the bottom? As I pondered over the spiral of my life, that’s when I met him. I met him and he helped change me because he showed me that it’s okay to be dependent on someone else. To let them carry my burdens because they truly want to. To hear their opinions and allow them to judge me out of love because it would help me keep an open mind. It was the best 3 years of my life because I didn’t have the need to write to solve my own problems anymore.
Though we aren’t together now, I believe that everything happens for a reason. He was a chapter in my life that shaped me into the person I am today. A refurbished version of my old self. Perhaps I used writing as a tool to cope through the loneliness and fears that I had. But.. that’s not the only thing writing is good for now is it?
To be continued..
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Dear Lord,
I am so grateful for another day. I’ve realized that I’ve been more worried and stress of the idea of failing and not doing well instead of tackling the challenge head on and trying to do my best. The fear that I have regarding success is so overwhelming and so much that I can’t even focus about getting there. Instead, I think of “hows” and “what ifs”. What if I don’t make my parents proud, what if I embarrass myself, and what if I disappoint myself.
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I don’t care if you don’t think I’m beautiful. James Blunt sure does.
Inserts laughs here.
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