crystalline

[crystalline]

Had another kid.

It’s been some time (again). I had another baby this year and he is the best. He also immediately made my toddler seem like a grown adult. Not really but she all of a sudden was just a BIG kid as soon as her brother was on the outside of my body. Having kids is just so damn bittersweet. And also magical and fulfilling and…it’s just the best love to ever experience. Anyway, I’ve taken so many photos and just have not had the time to go through them. I’ve tried to be more purposeful with what I photograph, as well. Avoid taking multiple pictures of essentially the same thing. The digital world created that problem. Oh well. Maybe one of these days I’ll go through them and post again. Priorities, right?

[crystalline]

It’s been some time. Life, you know? It definitely is a time sucker, that normal mundane life. I also have a toddler now. She is a huge time sucker but someone I willingly (most of the time) and lovingly give my time to. I’d give her all of my time if it was possible. Bringing her into the world has somehow pushed the fast forward button on life. That “blink of an eye” thing is no joke when you have a kid. Since I can’t pause it or slow it down, a lot of time is spent looking at videos and photos of her when she was younger (yes, I do this while she’s sleeping.) Jesus, I wonder if that’s permanent…the desire to always look back because I will never have a previous version of her again. I know we all change and adapt as we age. It’s just that once we’re adults, the change isn’t so drastic for the most part. With kids, the change is inexplicable. Just this constantly evolving person on both the inside and outside. Both joyful and heart crushing to experience. I always say I now feel sorry for my parents. Stuck with just adult version of me now. I wonder if they sit and look at photos of little me? Anyway, this post wasn’t really supposed to be about my kid. I should have known better, though. Pretty much everything is about her at this point in time. Tonight, however, the moon and my condensated (not a word, I know) reflection drew my eye so here you are.

[crystalline]

[crystalline]

Smoke from the Thomas fire while driving to Goleta, Ca.

[crystalline]

[crystalline]

Came and went.

[crystalline]

It's been so long since I've posted anything that I almost forgot how to do so. As usual, when I do post after a long time away, it's about how difficult it is to keep up creatively when I have a full time job. It's especially true with a job that is so mentally and emotionally consuming. I left my previous practice almost a year ago and my current practice is so much less toxic. You can only handle a coworker who treats others around you like shit for so long. Even with a better environment (and hours and pay), though, there are still (fewer) burnout moments. There are times where all the things you think you did wrong catch up with you...even if you didn't really do anything wrong and your rational side knows it. They'll catch up with you at random times. You don't even consciously know you're thinking about it until you realize you're tearing up in the car. That's how sneaky those thoughts are. It's crazy...I know I couldn't have done anything differently in any of the moments that haunt me. I couldn't have pushed the owners any harder to pursue surgery. I couldn't have saved that cat that had been sick for 9 months before being brought to me. I couldn't have let the dog continue living in pain just because the owner had dementia and didn't fully understand why euthanasia for her dog was the best option. The list goes on and, at times, is seemingly endless. I can't ensure that every single situation has a positive outcome. I've made my peace with that fact but I'm not always okay with it. Veterinarians, most of us, at least, do the best we can. Our hands are often tied, though. Some people wait too long, don't have the time, the money, the knowledge...hell, some people just literally do not care. Then there's situations that were never ever going to work out no matter what you did and what resources you had at your disposal. It's tough.

I met a woman recently who, upon hearing I was a veterinarian, commended my career choice and simply said, "I know how difficult it is to do what you do." I was taken aback by the gratitude I felt towards her just for that simple sentence. Usually, I hear, "Oh I don't know how you do it but it must be so great!" to which, you have to always almost just smile and nod. This time I could actually acknowledge that yes, there are many times that my job sucks...cases can suck, people can suck, that cat that chomped down on my pinky finger and wouldn't let go and now my pinky is 3 times its size sucks. BUT I really do love it. While bad memories haunt me at random moments, there are so many times when I can say, "I definitely did something good." I'm sure many of us can remember the animals we've refused to euthanize and for which we then found homes, the number of times we heavily discounted our services (or just gave away for free), all the scrounging done in the donated meds bin...that list is also seemingly endless though you have to think a little harder. If your brain is too drained to think, just pull out that stack of thank you cards that I know is in your desk drawer. It's definitely in mine. I look to my own pets which consist of 1 rescue, 1 owner surrender for the finding of a flea (forever grateful to that lone flea), 1 euthanasia turned owner surrender (he so far has gotten 5 extra years), and 1 stray who came in with a gaping wound where her tail should have been. Those 4 alone make this career worthwhile.

Man, this post kind of got away from me and in a completely unintended direction. However, consider it a prime example of how my brain (and I'm sure many veterinarians' brains) works when it goes into downward spiral mode. The bad hits you, the good brings you out, and then you return to normalcy whether that spiral was 5 minutes or 5 days.

[crystalline]

[crystalline]

[crystalline]

[crystalline]

[crystalline]

[crystalline]

Not even 5 steps out the door and bam, produce heaven.

[crystalline]

You know what else goes from fun to stressful real quick besides buying a house? Planning a wedding. It doesn't help that I am a self proclaimed Bridesloth. We've been engaged since November. We finally picked a venue and date a couple of weeks ago. My maid of honor has already attempted to bribe me in order to get me to go dress shopping. I have a tentative flower plan, at least! In my mind, I was like "Ok...date, venue, flowers, dress, music, photographer, done." (Ignore the fact that half that stuff I haven't really thought about yet.) Nope, I have to worry about a bunch of little shit too like what song people walk down the aisle to, ensuring that the groomsmen and bridesmaids match somewhat, blah blah blah. A potential photographer asked me to tell her about my wedding vision. I told her how I wanted everything to be perfect and my centerpieces to be magical...it would be like a movie. Not really. My answer was literally "good food, good people, good time." And I'm sticking with that.

[crystalline]

Last few before the frost hit. Oh and then it was 80 degrees again...in November.

[crystalline]

[crystalline]