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Is it weird if I feel like I need to love myself because of my kid?

My kid needs me, therefore I need to love myself more.

I need to stop beating her up so hard. She needs love. I need me to love myself more.

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Some unapologetic moments after you made love with your lover:

• having small, cute convos while cleaning up

• commenting the aftermath with laughs

• back to enjoying your own stuff like eating fruits / watching sitcoms / scrolling shit while laying in bed

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I get awkward every time recieving compliments, but little did I know, turns out the highest compliment that I love to hear is about my motherhood. I realize mothers out there, including me, need it - once in awhile.

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Balloon

SHEA: ibu, mau balon gak?

ME: enggak, nak

SHEA: *disappointed* kenapa gak mau?

ME: karena ibu lagi gak mau main balon. Buat baby aja

SHEA: baby juga gak mau balon sih

ME: yaudah kita biarin aja ya biar balonnya istirahat

SHEA: haaah kok istirahat

SHEA: *ngedumel* balon gak istirahat. Dia gak punya mata.

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Watching Eileen (2023) is like being served a promising, an ecstasy-like foreplay, then your body began to feel warmer and craved for more slaps, grunts, and sweet tortures, but when things got extreme intense as you were ready to get banged ‘till your knees sore, it’s fuckin’ over. NO THIRD-ACT CLIMAX. Damn.

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August is tough.

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Sylvia Plath, Ontario, Canada, 1959

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It’s crazy to have a mom who always gets your back, all the time. I’m already 30 and still clueless in some fields but she never judges me — well, even if she has, the ‘judgment’ wouldn’t have felt like it ‘coz most of the time she has been sensible, straightforward, and less emotional than I’ve been.

Support system is indeed important to every (new) moms out there, and my mom is a living proof. She’s not only giving me emotional support, but also the practical ones.

She’s always ready to help me handle my kid and accepts the fact that I’m a working mom. I very much admire her flexibility and her love for her own grandchild. Seriously she treats my baby like her kid; but probably less stress because she doesn’t need to think about how expensive the cost of nowadays schools lol.

Most importantly, she’s ready to pick up my kid to sleepover each time I need some alone time or quality time with my husband.

I also respect her for acknowledge the boundaries. Sometimes she rules my kid, but that’s not so bad because most of the time she asks me and my husband about things that truly need our permissions, like eating sweets and certain snacks, playing with water, going out somewhere, et cetera.

Her abundant love inspires me to be a better one. No wonder my kid is way too comfortable whenever she’s around and sometimes she picks my mom over me hahahahaha but that’s fine, it’s simply because she loves her grandma that much and I wish their bond would go stronger just like what I used to have with my grandma.

I don’t know why I wrote this, I guess I just want to share my mellow feelings on this random monday.

Thank you for being my kick ass support system, mom. I’ll always try not to take you for granted until the day I die.

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How do you know you’ve been unkind to yourself?

I often talk to myself whenever there’s no other people around. For as long as I can remember, it has never been about the positive things within me.

I reach myself whenever I feel sad, disappointed, or questioning every thing bizarre and interesting in life — including my own self.

I speak to my inner voice, ask her about the mistakes I’ve made, about the decisions that failed, about the feelings I abandoned, about the people I’ve disappointed, and many more.

I ask myself thousands of times, why the hell do you not good enough? What do you want to do in life?

The expanding of self-doubt and self-blame is like an old friend; I’m already getting used to it.

Forgive me if I’ve been unkind to you.

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The little human who makes me strive to be a bigger person in many circumstances. Being a mom after a year is still tough, and it’s going to be tougher. In a world full of uncertainty, thank you for making me feel needed and seen.

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Home

Another blessing in disguise from pandemic is the ability to value more on the presence. Every presence of our loved ones might feel like something that we are used to; something familiar that we don’t even have any thoughts of getting used to the idea of not being around them.

But from staying at home, i’m scared of the unsettling feeling about the void and loneliness without my favorite presence. Yes, i’ve learnt which company that i love, dislike and despise from it. This kind of situation somehow ridiculously shows me the meaning of real home.

Staying at home teaches me the real meaning of being home, and… found a new home.

My 9-month-old homie — congratulations for your first tooth! I love you ‘till the end of time.

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People say time flies when you’re in the place you’re meant to be. I agree and it surprises me to be torn between two things: having to pray my sweet, beautiful daughter to grow up fast, but also wish she stays this little. Ah.. life’s never been this extraordinary.

Credit: Shea is four months old now.

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this is me, in my most comfort appearance — 38 weeks pregnant, barefaced, ponytailed, wearing an oversized hand-me-down daster, eating strawberries. i might smile but actually i was having mild contractions lol

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do u think it’s fun?

I’m in the middle of 38-week phase and it’s not easy i tell you, especially with my bladder that got pressured by my belly so the urge to piss is beyond annoying.

ME: *taking tissues*

AR: mau ngapain?

ME: mau pipis lah

AR: what. bukannya tadi udah ya *laughing*

ME: don’t you dare laughing

AR: hahahaha iya, siapa tau aja pipis buat iseng-iseng

ME: dikira seru kali bolak-balik ke kamar mandi hahhh

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it’s nothing like maternity shoot, but if you guys know that pregnant women are prioritized to be at home for better anticipation in this pandemic era so when i got to dress up and put my makeup on, it urges me to pose eventhough it’s still awkward.

by the way, i’m getting bored actually with this situation and everything has always to do with “pan-de-mic” aaaaaa i hate that word.

anyway... being 27 weeks pregnant is important because it marks the end of second trimester. can you believe that? i’m heading to third trimester which is insane.

second trimester by far is the most comforting phase. no more morning sickness and food aversion, and my appetite has been enormous. i can eat almost anything i want, and i feel more energetic. second trimester also means several new milestones, like baby bump, baby kicks, and fun 4D sonograms.

however, during my second trimester, i have been challenged also with mood swings — the kind of an abrupt mood changes that can happen only in minutes. sometimes i can laugh out loud, and there are also times that make me extremely sad. and it’s not just about my psychological condition and hormones, but real occurrence like AR was sick for two weeks, i feel exhausted with my workload, and the newest one: pap now is sick too. he has to be isolated in the hospital and already taken a swab test, we just have to wait for the result.

again, can you imagine, when i just about to prepare myself to greet third trimester, i gotta face another challenge that can exhaust my mentality. to be honest, i can spill all my complaints here but i know it’ll only make me pathetic and regret in the end. i just wish mum and lil bro are still tough, patient enough to face this obstacle.

as for me, i try to count my blessings in the midst of all hardships. AR’s health has been gradually better since last month, he already has this consciousness to eat normally and avoid the worst food. he too always sticks beside me to support everything even when i don’t believe in myself that i can face it.

this year has been hard enough, but again... my pregnancy and my soon to-be child are my strength to keep me on track to see beautiful silver linings out there. at least, my baby can boost my confidence that next year is bright already.

my dear baby S, thank you for making me and all of us here hopeful.

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untuk anakku kelak,

maafkan ibu ya nak, kalau ibu sering menitikan air mata diam-diam di sudut kamar saat hati ibu mendadak seperti ditusuk karena hal-hal konyol selama mengandungmu. kelak ibu akan ceritakan kalau manusia di bumi ini beraneka ragam sifatnya, tapi ibu janji apapun yang ada diri kamu adalah versi terbaik yang Tuhan berikan.

maafkan ibu juga nak, kalau ibu terkadang menyepelekan jam tidur yang seharusnya dijaga sepenuh hati, demi menjaga jiwa ragamu yang masih rapuh dan lebih lembut daripada sutra. saat kamu hadir di dunia ini, ibu pun janji akan membuat tidurmu lelap, hangat, dan bermimpi sembari menari sampai-sampai kelopak matamu yang sedang tertutup itu ikut mengiringi tiap gerakan kaki mungil yang menghentakan tanah, berusaha melayang di udara.

setiap detik penantianmu, ibu dan ayah sampai harus terus bersahabat dengan waktu. nak, semoga sehat selalu.

kecup dan usapan sayang, dari kami yang menunggumu.

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mentally walking down the streets in LA, wearing cropped tee, lousy comfy pants, and my favorite sneakers, holding two paper bags filled with churros, burgers, soda, waffles, and sticky candies with le husband whom busy carrying our 6-month chubby baby around 5pm.