crimecleand

[crimecleand]

ok so like. the deal is. i’ve been wanting to write, but have been lacking the time and motivation to do so. i’m soooo thirsty to write and plot and all of that. but the thing is that i’ve been busy for such good reason, and i’m like. excited to be celebrating christmas, i went on a few dates for the first time since like HIGH SCHOOOOL, i’ve been hanging out w my pals, my band is getting picked up to play some shows out of state, my health has been more or less steady … dare i say, i’m having a very very good time lately so that’s why i’ve been absent <3 idk just excited to share that with y’all bc i feel like the past few months i haven’t been able to catch a break so this is so neat !!! 

i hope to return to my gay lil blogs soon. i’ll probs fill up the queue and tackle my drafts as i get the chance, bc there’s some really fun threads i’d like to continue. but otherwise !!! consider this a semi-hiatus, or just a notice that my activity is going to heavily vary depending on if i finally sit down and get around to writing.

feel free to hmu on disc at any time btw @ 🐁 nick blankenburg’s ratstache#1887

[crimecleand]

Anyways my pal is coming in from outta town for the weekend so I’ll b ia on everything 🤠

[crimecleand]

psst ... inbox call. perhaps.

[crimecleand]

*slowly removes my heart-shaped sunglasses* i beg your fucking pardon

[crimecleand]

Adam Brody as Nikolai Wolf • Jennifer’s Body (2009)

[crimecleand]

everyone should thank me because as bad as i am, i am holding myself back from being much worse

[crimecleand]

FIGHT CLUB (1999) SENTENCE STARTERS feel free to modify pronouns etc. as necessary! content warning for violence, illness, death.

“People always ask me if I know [Name].”

“This is it. Ground zero.”

“Do you have a speech for the occasion?”

“With a gun barrel between your teeth, you speak only in vowels.”

“That old thing, how you always hurt the one you love? Well, it works both ways.”

“I know this because [Name] knows this.”

“Think of everything we’ve accomplished.”

“No, wait. Back up. Let me start earlier.”

“Everything’s a copy of a copy of a copy.”

“When deep space exploration ramps up, it’ll be the corporations that name everything. The IBM Stellar Sphere. The Microsoft Galaxy. Planet Starbucks.”

“What kind of dining set defines me as a person?”

“No, you can’t die of insomnia.”

“I nod off, I wake up in strange places. I have no idea how I got there.”

“You need to lighten up.”

“You need healthy, natural sleep. Chew some valerian root and get more exercise.”

“Hey, come on. I’m in pain.”

“Babies don’t sleep this well.”

“Imagine your pain as a white ball of healing light. It moves over your body, healing you.”

“[Name], you liar, you big tourist, I need this, now get out!”

“When you have insomnia, you’re never really asleep, and you’re never really awake.”

“I’m still here but I don’t know for how long.”

“I’ve got some good news. I no longer have any fear of death.”

“[Name]. The scratch on the roof of your mouth that would heal if you could stop tonguing it, but you can’t.”

“You’re not dying. In the Tibetan-philosophy, Sylvia-Plath sense of the word, I know we’re all dying.”

“When people think you’re dying, they listen to you, instead of waiting for their turn to speak.”

“Look, you don’t want to get into this. It becomes an addiction.”

“Let’s not make a big thing out of it.”

“This is your life and it’s ending one minute at a time.”

“If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?”

“On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.”

“You have a kind of sick desperation in your laugh.”

“Did you know if you mix gasoline and frozen orange juice, you can make napalm?”

“I suppose these things happening.”

“How embarrassing. A house full of condiments and no food.”

“When you buy furniture, you tell yourself, that’s it. That’s the last sofa I’ll need. Whatever happens, the sofa problem is handled.”

“I say never be complete. I say stop being perfect. I say let’s evolve. Let the chips fall where they may.”

“The things you own end up owning you.”

“Three pitchers of beer and you still can’t ask.”

“You called me because you needed a place to stay.”

“I want you to hit me as hard as you can.”

“Nobody knows that they saw it, but they did.”

“Do not watch. I cannot go when you watch.”

“I don’t wanna die without any scars.”

“Come on, hit me, before I lose my nerve.”

“You can swallow a pint of blood before you get sick.”

“Self-improvement is masturbation.”

“Even the Mona Lisa’s falling apart.”

“What are you doing here? This is my house.”

“If I fall asleep, I’m done for. You’re gonna have to keep me up all night.”

“Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.”

“Without pain or sacrifice, we would have nothing.”

“I’m going to my cave to find my power animal.”

“You’re feeling premature enlightenment. It’s the greatest moment of your life and you’re off somewhere else.”

“Our fathers were our models for God. If our fathers bailed, what does that tell you about God?”

“You have to consider the possibility that God does not like you. He never wanted you. In all probability, he hates you. This is not the worst thing that can happen.”

“Fuck damnation, fuck redemption. We are God’s unwanted children.”

“You have to know, not fear, know that some day, you’re gonna die.”

“It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.”

“I’d be very, very careful who you talk to about that.”

“[Name]’s words coming out of my mouth. And I used to be such a nice guy.”

“Tragically, they’re dead. I’m alive and in poverty.”

“Who the fuck do you think you are, you crazy little shit?”

“What do you wish you’d done before you died?”

“Hitting bottom isn’t a weekend retreat.”

“We’ve just had a lear-life experience.”

“I’m living in a state of perpetual deja vu.”

“Everywhere I go, I feel like I’ve already been there.”

“You fuck me, then snub me. You love me, you hate me. You’re sensitive, then you turn into an asshole.”

“We simply do not have time for this crap.”

“This needs a tremendous act of faith on your part, but hear me out.”

“I don’t wanna hear anything you have to say.”

“There are things about you I like. You’re smart, funny, you’re spectacular in bed. But you’re intolerable. You have very serious emotional problems. Deep-seated problems for which you should seek professional help.”

“If I keep this, it’s asshole tax.”

“You’re the worst thing that ever happened to me.”

“The first person that comes out of this door gets a lead salad, understand?”

“I will bring us through this. As always, I will carry you kicking and screaming, and in the end you will thank me.”

“I’m grateful to you, for everything that you’ve done for me, but this is too much. I don’t want this.”

“You met me at a very strange time in my life.”

[crimecleand]

[crimecleand]

nitekill·

pain,      ache,      chaotic   afflictions      :         manifestations   of   disaster   he   often   associates   with   himself.      the   ripping   of   flesh,      puncture   of   muscle,      the   loss   of   a   life   of   someone   who   just   happened   to   be   in   the   wrong   place   at   the   wrong   time.      he   would   hardly   call   himself   the   devil         ;         far   less   cunning,      much   too   careless,      all   the   more   visceral         +         violent   in   comparison   to   a   fallen   angel.      mostly   running   on   lady   luck’s   grace         &         some   misplaced   devotion   at   the   hands   of   internet   content   bingers.      all   too   different   from   his   saint   of   a   mother,      more   of   a   spitting   image   of   their   father   than   he’d   like   to   admit.         “         the   fuck   is   that   supposed   to   mean         ?         ”

brothers   fight,      argue         …         what   have   you.      not   that   he’s   had   much   prior   experience   with   anything   familial   until   the   last   few   months   or   so.         “         oh,      fuck   off,      dude.      at   least   i   admit   what   i’m   doing   is   fucked.      i   know   that   i’m   a   piece   of   shit   but   you      ?         still   spinning   the   same   old   story   about   how         …         oh,      i   really   didn’t   mean   to         !!         it   was   all   a   misunderstanding,      i   super   duper   promise   mr.      prosecutor         !!         ”         tone   raises   several   octaves   in   comical   mock   of   imitating   the   elder,      traces   of   a   feigned   pout   tugging   down   sliced   lower   lip         :         aftermath   of   another   night   going   from   bad   to   worse   to   absolutely   fucking   terrible.      the   original   subject   of   their   debate   which   has   been   looooooong   forgotten.         “         …         sometimes   i   don’t   think   you   actually   give   shit   about   me.      just   want   to   play   big   babysitter   for   your   little   brother,      that   right      ?         ”         

the barely restrained urge to let out a simple ‘ fuck you ’ and walk away                   jude has that affect on people. something about him, something about that fucking infuriating shit eating grin, the way he knows he’s a piece of shit and gets away with it, the constant quips. ‘ fuck you, ’ is all logan wants to say, so very badly, but instead, he just bites his tongue. the figure of a disappointed father : arms cross, jaw clenched tight, head tilted back just a fraction. deep inhale. counting back from ten. nine, eight, seven, six ...

“       if i didn’t give a shit about you, i wouldn’t be here. i think you’re smart enough to get that,       ”   spoken through a sneer, punctuated with a dismissive wave of the hand. this is stupid. so incredibly stupid. but he doesn’t leave. logan doesn’t turn his nose. he stays put. bloody converse stay glued in place. planted like a tree, stubborn in his ways while trying to prove a point. he stands with such conviction. this is the most important thing he’s ever fought for.   “       and i’m sorry if i ever made you think i don’t give a shit about you. but sometimes, i think you just need to stop feeling so sorry about yourself, like, all the time, and stop rejecting every time i try to show you that i do very much in fact give a shit. what else do you want me to do   ?   fuckin’   ...   give you my left kidney   ? because i would, jude   !   i would   ! but then i'm kinda getting this vibe you wouldn't do that for me.       ”             even though each syllable is spat with venom, it’s full of affection. bastardized love, confused loyalty. the bigger picture is still being painted, and it’s murky and muddy and spilling off the canvas, but it’s so important   ...   to logan, at least. they’re both emotionally stunted   ...   beaten since birth, ignored in every effort to be normal, succeeding so little every now and then. two emotionally stunted dimwits going at it. how charming.   “       if i wanted to be a babysitter, i would’ve taken a fucking babysitting job,   ”       which is funny, because his felony very much keeps him from doing that. anyways.   “       i wouldn’t be cleaning up after you and your little girlfriend all the time. but here i am.       ”

[crimecleand]

NITEKILL·

the   goal   wasn’t   to   get   his   brother   roped   in   on   his   rather         …         unique   set   of   hobbies.      it   just   happened         !!         the   stars   aligned,      the   universe   started   rubbing   its   grubby   little   fingers,      an   amalgamation   of   the   worst   possible   decisions   the   fates   have   ever   made         :               letting   the   two   cross   paths,      out   of   an   instagram   dm,      no   less.      divinity   truly   works   in   the   most   mysterious   of   ways.         “         y'know,      i’ve   gotten   arrested   for   stealin’   some   pick'n'mix   but   gettin’   piss   drunk   in   vegas   is   still   way   more   embarrassing   than   that.      at   least   do   it   in   some   place   fancy   like   fuckin’   new   york,      bro.      c'mon.      class   it   up   a   little,      yeah      ?         ”         not   once   did   he   take   into   consideration   the   severed   limbs   scattered   throughout   the   flooring.      instead,      burgundy-tinted   arms   swing         +         hook   at   his   big   brother,      grin   stretching   wide.      smell   of   blood         +         guts   a   familiar   one,      now   stenching   away   at   his   unlikely   accomplice.         “         first   of   all,      skydiving   sounds   fuckin’   terrible.      waaaay   too   much   effort,      not   much   reward.      you   ‘gotta   think   of   the   value   it   brings,      big   bro.      it’s   like   business,      or   econ,      or   whatever,         ”         one   of   those,      surely.         “         y'know,      what’s   real   fuckin’   fun,      though      ?      thrill   like   nothin’   you’ve   ever   felt   before      ?         ”         hand   takes   a   hold   of   the   other’s,      prying   away   fingers   to   place   the   blade   into   logan’s   palm   as   smirk   nears   the   ear.         “         gutting   your   first   body,         ”

there’s two devils on logan’s shoulders                   one is telling him to  suit up and get cleaning, the other one is just jude. a string of bad days, always punctuated with assorted viscera in a black trash bags. it’s almost as if he actually considers it, if it weren’t for the grimace that quickly contorts his expression.   “       no   ...   no   !   absolutely not   !       ”   blade presses flat into jude’s chest. free hands flicks blood onto the floor. always in deep shit ( literally, figuratively, don’t forget the guts ) and trying power through                   a job is a job, supposedly, but it’s weirder when it’s your own brother handing over the cash. fuck.   “       i made a pact in 1991 to dare to resist murder and disembowelment. i got a sticker and everything, and i’m a man of my word   !       ”   half joking, moreso just stressed. he backs away, rubber soles of converse slipping and squeaking against fresh, wet blood. hand grips onto the nearest surface to steady himself. a nightmare. logan frequently wonders why. this is one of those moments. but everytime he asks about the why’s and the how’s and what the fuck’s, he just thanks every religion out there that he’s not the one holding the knife. bad record and felony aside, logan is pretty normal. kinda.   “       just   ...   do what you gotta do. i’ll suit up, okay ? i’ll just put on my damn suit and fuckin’   ...   fuckin’ respirator and all my gloves and shit and i’ll   ...   i’ll do my thing. sounds good   ?   yeah   ?       ”

[crimecleand]

CRIMECLEAND   :   logan quinn lars, 42, crime scene cleaner, true crime influencer, and just some guy trying to get through the day. exploring desperation turned desensitization, a murky gene pool, and feigning normalcy. highly affiliated with @ NITEKILL.

[crimecleand]

oh yeah don’t worry about my leg bouncing, i’m fine. that’s just a thing i do when i’m bored, or excited, or nervous, or alive

[crimecleand]

                              “ let’s add up your wrongs. ”                   @nitekill

“       jude. c’mon. i’m not getting into that shit right now,       ”   it’s all technicalities. it’s all he said / she said and misplaced blame. but how do you clearly explain to someone that you were simply joking about killing your wife and destroying her affair   ?   a sigh. face falls into hands, pushing back loose curls from a neglected haircut. fuck. he should get that fixed.   “       you know i didn’t do it. but i don’t think you should be the one pointing fingers.       ”

finding out you have a little sibling this far into your life is slightly inconveniencing as it is. but finding out said sibling is a serial killer   ?   not exactly great. all these half-baked attempts to get jude to do something like yoga or kickboxing to let off steam are coming to a stop. maybe it’s because logan is simply tired of being tired                   tired of being on edge, tired of picking gore from between floorboards, tired of waiting for an unfortunate call. ‘ jude’s in trouble and you can’t get him out. ’ fuck that. but what he can do   ?   really   ?   if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. or whatever.   “       this isn’t about me. i just care about you, dude. you, your safety   ...   whatever shred of sanity you have left. i'm not trying to antagonize you. don’t make it seem like i am.       ”

[crimecleand]

[       @nitekill​​      /      continued   ...       ]       a long dejected groan rumbles from logan                   it’s true. they are in too deep. the sound of muscle tearing off the bone and blood dripping off the ceiling. this is going to be a tough one. morbid curiosity pulls his gaze to the body, but he grimaces and looks away. the clean up is fine. it won’t be too bad. but watching it in action   ?   he probably shouldn’t have ate half the dollar menu before coming. if jude’s calling, it usually entails nausea and biohazards. he turns.   “      i think you and i have very different ideas of ‘ letting loose, ’      ”   and he can feel his blood pressure spiking as he sees how much evidence is being left behind. but somewhere out there, he sees the palm trees and a beach. he can see himself sprawled on the sand, sipping a pina colada out of a coconut shell, living his best life.   “      i let loose and live a little by taking a random trip to vegas or getting drunk in public. i don’t let loose by, i don’t know   ...   collecting felonies like an old lady collects precious moments statues.      ”   overbearing, over-conscious, overprotective. he can’t stop jude, and he won’t try. but between those palm trees he sees his last bit of family also sipping a pina colada                   or whatever jude’s tropical drink of choice is                   with a mound of cash and a licensed therapist getting ready for their 3 o’clock appointment. right now, he’s just trying to plan which corner to start cleaning first.   “       maybe you’d get the same thrill from skydiving or something   ?   i’d try that instead, personally.       ”

[crimecleand]

i shouldnt have to deal with things <3,,,,

[crimecleand]

QUOTES FROM ‘ HYGIENE ’

lines pulled from   drug church’s   2022 album,   ‘ hygiene ’                   feel free to change things as you deem necessary. 

“ hope is all you got. ” “ let’s add up your wrongs. ” “ i wish i could help, but i don’t know myself. ” “ i don’t put faith in any crooked strangers plans or hands. ” “ behave like you’re owed something. ” “ i learned young that there’s no I in ‘ people. ’ ” “ anything that’s bigger than a band is suspect and can’t be relied on. ” “ no matter how hard you find yourself trying, there’s a hole that’s always leaking in the shape of your fellow man. ” “ the missing piece is anything but misplaced grievance. ” “ those things I do about the way the world works   ——   i wonder will it amount to anything at all ? ” “ your turn is coming just give it time. ” “ we don’t toss away what we love. ” “ i’m not a part of that cover up. ” “ what happens next is none of their business. ” “ there’s only one side of the street you’re responsible for, and that’s yours. ” “ no one elected you to judge. ” “ that self - hate is persistent. ” “ this one starts and stays ugly. ” “ there are things that you see coming. ” “ there’s no point in changing lanes. ” “ just sit and keep your nose clean. ” “ big nothings what you have in store. ” “ our connection to a thing is as good as any wedding ring. ” “ we’re married by experience to what we love. we’ll never lose it. ” “ what can these people do for you ? ” “ i’ll put my energies to other use. ” “ i don’t like feeling powerless. ” “ i’m not one for anthems, slogans, or tricks. ” “ the future’s not looking bright. ” “ that villain you fought, he just reflects who you are. ” “ i’m living between shrinking margins. ”

[crimecleand]

SENTENCE  STARTERS :  ALONE  WITH  YOU  IN  THE  ETHER  BY  OLIVIE BLAKE 

PART ONE, BEFORES

❛ they see you closer than you are, but you’re further from reach than either you or they can imagine. ❜

❛ what are you thinking about today? ❜

❛ maybe tomorrow, everything would be different. ❜

❛ take me home, stranger. ❜

❛ maybe we should break up. ❜

❛ you’re one of those brainy fucks, right? ❜

❛ your future self will always see what your present self is blind to. ❜

❛ cigarettes are extremely out of fashion. and they’re bad for you. ❜

PART TWO, CONVERSATIONS

❛ you’re obviously a very good liar, ❜

❛ if i were a liar, wouldn’t my lies be extremely valuable currency to me? ❜

❛ i don’t think we’re really capable of loving the things our parents love. ❜

❛ can you make this less like an interview, please? ❜

❛ the point is, you’re observing me too closely. ❜

❛ i was formerly a thief. ❜

❛ did you get the lies you came for? ❜

❛ you want to puzzle me out like a math problem. ❜

❛ crime doesn’t make a person complex, everyone has a history. ❜

❛ do you want me to leave you alone? ❜

❛ i want to see what you see. ❜

❛ are you interested in me? ❜

❛ i’m not trying to predict you. i’m trying to understand you. ❜

❛ couldn’t you predict me if you understood me? ❜

❛ i like it, your brain. ❜

❛ right, one impossibility at a time. ❜

❛ i wasn’t really thinking about you, to be honest. ❜

❛ it’s very… austere, isn’t it? ❜

❛ i could study you for a lifetime, carrying all of your peculiarities and discretions in the webs of my spidery palms, and still feel empty-handed. ❜

❛ don’t hold hands with anyone ever again. ❜ 

❛ there she is. queen of chaos. ❜  

❛ don’t worry, you’ll fit perfectly. don’t worry, there’s nothing here for you to break. ❜

❛ there, now it looks like somebody cares about you. ❜

❛ there is nothing worse than being predictable. nothing smaller than feeling ordinary. ❜

❛  so don’t speak. just stay here with me, just breathe. ❜

❛  haven’t you been paying enough attention to run? ❜

❛  don’t go, just stay. settle over me like the tide, cover me like a blanket, wrap around me like the sun.❜

❛ i think that, for someone to get close to you, you must have to give them one key at a time. and even then, only one level can be opened at once. ❜

❛ you know, it’s poor form to accuse a lady of lying all the time.❜

PART THREE, KEYS

❛ do you imagine things? Is your life a dream or a chart? ❜

❛ come closer, let’s see what happens, let’s see how the stars shine on your skin. ❜

❛ i know you’re not stupid. that’s the worst part. ❜

❛ all this time we’ve been talking and you’ve been syncopating your breath to mine and your pulse to mine and your thoughts to my thoughts, you’ve been learning how to love me, haven’t you? ❜

❛ if i am a lover of impossible problems then you will have loved me for my impossibilities. ❜

❛ what else matters but this, me, us? ❜

❛ am i imagining this? ❜

❛ i want to see your art. ❜

❛ this night is stolen, i want grand larceny and this is petty theft. ❜

❛ austere. it’s a cold word. ❜

❛ you have never understood beauty and all the worse for you, you never will. ❜

❛ i am more addicted to the thought of your name on my tongue than i am to any other form of vice. ❜

❛ the thought of having you is more dangerous than any cocktail of drugs, the idea of belonging to you endlessly destructive. ❜

❛ it’s a fire. i used to burn out, now i just burn.❜

❛ his name is written on my skin, he scarred me. ❜

❛ you just seem like you’re looking for something to overwhelm you.❜

❛ you can’t fix me. ❜

❛ i don’t see anything to fix. ❜

❛ thank you for the shape you took in my life but it’s over now, it doesn’t fit. ❜

PART FOUR, FIRSTS

❛ something is wrong with us, we are unwell, no one has ever felt any of this without destruction. ❜

❛ empires have fallen like this. ❜

❛ my god, what a waste of time doing anything else but holding you. ❜

❛ jesusfuckingchrist what have you done to me? ❜

❛ go on, ruin me. wreck me, please. ❜

❛ am i the girl who stays while others leave? ❜

❛ i love your brain.❜

❛ can you love my brain even when it is small? when it is malevolent? when it’s violent? can you love it when it doesn’t love me? ❜

❛ i’m going to tell you my secrets. ❜

❛ come home with me. ❜

❛ i want your future, i want it for me. ❜

❛ i’m going to replace those memories, i’m taking them back for me. ❜

❛ i want you to say everything, anything. i want to have your thoughts, i want to bottle them, i want to put them in my drawer for safekeeping. ❜

❛ jesus, we’re fucked, aren’t we? ❜

PART FIVE, VARIABLES

❛ come outside, come look at the stars. ❜

❛ i worry that if you try to keep up with her, you’ll burn out. ❜

❛ you’re wrong about her. ❜

❛ ether is what they called the air in the realm of the gods. a shining, fluid substance. ❜

❛ you poor thing, what a curse. i wonder which god you angered.❜

❛ you can’t just live in your past lives. ❜

❛ so this is what it is to love something you cannot control, it feels precisely like terror. ❜

❛ i thought you’d be sick of me by now. ❜

❛ every time you love, pieces of you break off and get replaced by something you steal from someone else. ❜

❛ yes, it is perilously wonderful to suffer so sweetly with you. ❜

❛ can’t you see how intangibly i exist, and how perilously? ❜

❛ will I always fear him as much as I love him? ❜

PART SIX, TURNS

❛ you really haven’t changed, have you? ❜

❛ you can always undream me, unbelieve me. ❜

❛ i’m strange, okay we’re both strange, nobody understands us except for us. ❜

❛ you think i don’t know that there’s something wrong with me? ❜

❛ i think you need me more than you want me. ❜

❛ there’s a difference between cravings and compulsions. ❜

❛ i love your brain even when i fear it. ❜

❛ have i already destroyed this little fledgling thing i tried to nurture? ❜

❛ whatever you are made of, i am made of it, too. ❜

❛ it isn’t pretty, it’s lonely, it’s desolate, it’s a chilling portrait of vastness. ❜

❛ she does burn me, she ignites me. ❜

❛ she is my hope and for that she is dangerous, unequivocally, but she is also alive, unreservedly. ❜

❛ it’s you and me right now, stranger ❜

❛ it’s you and me alone in the ether, and you don’t even know it yet. ❜

❛ this is what it looks like to love you; it looks like an abyss. ❜

❛ all falls come with danger, but not us. not us, we float. ❜

❛ because you and i, we are so different, aren’t we, and yet we are more like each other than the rest of the world is like us. ❜