cowsinbathrooms

[cowsinbathrooms]

This is the 88th post 

And I think it would be nice to say bye to this blog with 100 posts. Marek is teaching me programming through making our website. Yesterday I logged in GitHub and it's all in Courier New font so I love it. It's funny Marek used to write his poems in Courier New and I wrote like a mini. text book on Molecular Biology in Courier New. We have so many things in common. Still.

I'm currently living in a small house, a pre WWII building. On my own. It feels great. I've never had so much peace. I feel like some kind of an obscure city girl character that hangs her linens in a garden at night. So tiny in this huge world yet so compact and swift. It's like I'm living my life and at the same time watching me live my life. Maybe that's what's called mindfulness. Speaking of mindfulness. You know when you realize for the first time that the universe is HUGE, or that you're going to die one day? You know that feeling? For me it's a complete overwhelm, it lasts for couple of seconds maybe and then it's gone. It's quite a unique feeling, hard to acquire. Or maybe too scary for me to seek for this feeling. But sometimes you realize something so powerful that this feeling of overwhelm comes. And it just sucks you in. Well back to the mindfulness. We were talking yesterday with Marek. And he told me that most people think that they percieve world through their head and the head is the centre of ones residence in this world. And I could feel it. I felt how I feel that I feel the world through my head. It's crazy. And the craziest thing is that this is just my simplified perception that is probably far from the truth. So what is consciousness anyways?

That got really deep today.

Good night***

-Ili

[cowsinbathrooms]

The premenstruation phase is sometimes reffered to as the witch phase. It is an archetype which the woman can identify with during this time of the cycle. I must agree. I started having quite a big cravings to do some magic. Me and my mom bought tarot cards today and we want to learn to do the readings. How would I explain this to a man? Well, the cards kinda help you to tell a good story to the person who requests the reading. And that person can do a whole lot of projection etc. which might help them to gain a new perspective on answering an important question in their life. But to me it’s about the feel of magic and tapping into my feminine intuition.

[cowsinbathrooms]

The topic of today is nourishment. Hydration, food, sleep & naps. Integrating the experience of the last month through visionboarding & writing. Stretching and feet automassage with geranium oil.

This morning I've done a meditation focused on breathing. It was a big emotional release. I craved alone time. I find that I experience emotions differently when I'm with people and when I'm alone. Couple years ago my therapist told me that when she's alone the feelings don't bounce off of her partner and they are just hers. This morning I think I finally understood what she meant. Having a partner is a great emotional support because sometimes there's not enough space to process the emotions on my own. Like for me, I need to be alone in a room, breathe, exercise, journal. I usually need like an hour or two to really get deep with myself. Marek is a big emotional supporter for me. Like when the budget was getting tight in Switzerland and I literally started thinking that I can't financially make this trip and will have to go home. I think he made me list all of the horrific scenarios I had in my head until the point they got really funny. And then I was a lot more calm. I still have to come back to those emotions because the support from the partner doesn't necessarily address the root of that emotion. But having a safe conversation with my partner as the emotion arises makes me calm at that moment to handle the current situation without going down the spiral of overthinking.

It has been super tempting to all the arrival work today. Like especially polish all the hiking equipment so that it's nice and neat, ready for the next adventure. And clean the whole house. And pack all the stuff and food for tomorrow. And visit great grandma. And more. But I just was exhausted and allowed myself to basically just do whatever.

A little note for Marek: I did airdry the water filter.

-Ili

[cowsinbathrooms]

So, it looks like we only managed to capture here the beginning and the end. The inbetween might not be capturable. Or we did not feel the need to capture it in this form. It was more about us and how we are together as a couple. I feel we are a great match. So the trip was worth it.

To continue this journey, we will introduce a new website where we capture our lives in a different form. But more about that later. I have a pizza to eat.

[cowsinbathrooms]

It’s day 31 and for me this adventure has come to an end. I’m on a train back home. Last night has been quite mysterious. I woke up, the train was not moving, it was raining outside and everyone was sleeping in the vagon. The train started to move forwards accompnied by the sound of the creaking rails as we were passing construction workers on their night shift.

Day 30. Morning goodbye walk and cuddles. We’ve seen a breathtaking sunrise. My king also had a breakfast on the castle.

Day 29. We slept on a castle. Also before that we made pasta in a park, went swimming and relaxed in a sauna. It must’ve been pretty cool for the visitors to be at the pool with us cause we did acro lifts. And also did some tobogan rides. The castle was a nice contrast to the previous night. On day 28 we slept in a gapahuk which has been totally awesome except for the mice poo all over the floor. So I did some sweeping and made it cozy.

On our way to the gapahuk. Pretty steep. Pretty Swiss-like. There has also been a view. Something we haven’t seen for a while surrounded by forests.

Glorious gapahuk morning.

So now I have just 5 more hours left and I’ll be home. We’ve done so much together and I feel maybe more in love than in the beginning. But about emotions in a next post.

-Ili

[cowsinbathrooms]

Day 2

We woke up in a beautiful Swiss town called interlaken. The mountains are huge! Ili made a coffee, she is such a practical companion. And cute too. Today we will start our Via Alpina track. There are ridiculous ascents and we did not plan taking funiculars. Will see if we change our minds. I dont know where we are going to sleep today. And that is ok.

[cowsinbathrooms]

Day 1

Ili told me a great travel tip. When you arrive into a country, you should buy a kefir milk so your microbiome adopts to the local environment. I took a picture of her while she drank it so I can put it here. She laughed so hard that she splashed it all over her yellow merino T-shirt.

[cowsinbathrooms]

Day 1

We started our trip with not catching the train. And we have enough food to feed the whole army. Now we are testing our new travel pillows (see Fig. 1).

Fig. 1

[cowsinbathrooms]

Today was good. The last day at the covid testing centre. I don’t know about you but for me the last days are always good. They make me doubt whether to put an end to things or not. Like when I saw my friend from Russia for the last time. I felt that we grew very different and that we will probably never see each other in person again. Or at least for a very long time. And at the very same moment I didn’t want to say goodbye. It suddenly felt like we are maybe not that different and maybe we should continue this difficult process of cultivating a long distance friendship. I’ve had this odd feeling with one job as well. I was working in an outdoor shop. Sometimes it was great but most of the times it was super boring and not challenging enough for me. And the last day of my work a guy came and brought me and my colleague coffee and cake from starbucks for helping him pick his gear. I just felt so sorry for leaving even though I couldn’t wait to get out. But feelings are rarely black and white if I take the time to truly feel them. And often contradictory feelings arise at the same time. Feelings are super complex. So today I am quite sorry for not having patients anymore. I’ve also been to a great doctor today so that might’ve contributed. I do like to identify with people who are good at their jobs.

________ is a feeling of excitement of leaving something behind while at the same time feeling sorry for the loss. Taste of this feeling: bittersweet.

_Ili

[cowsinbathrooms]

Day 7

We left the comfy hytte with a stove. It was cold - like 13C and the water is like 11C. We paddled for about 6 hours against the wind. It was raining most of the way. Large waves. We did not made it into the final destination. Wild camping. Start wet fire. Go to sleep.

Day 8

Sun. 20C outside. Calm water. Sometimes sun. Paddle with the current. Amazing scenery. Visit Norwegian supermarket. Eat like a giant. The camp was full even though it was not really full. Wild camping again. Fire. Comfortable.

Not so many deep thoughts. Being with nature. Bit homesick.

[cowsinbathrooms]

So I'm completely exhausted. I went to work for 4 hours but of course I made it a little bit more comfy for me. I went by car and checked the patient appointments. The first patient was on 10:00 so I didn't have to be at the testing centre until then and I did have a good 2 hours of chilling in the car covered by blankets, cushioned by pillows. Watched some IT lessons, did some e-mails, cancelled everything I could for the next week so I can rest. I'm still kinda pissed that I had to go even though I was sick. But I've made the best out of it.

During the shift the sample delivery guy came. I've never met him before. So I try to be welcoming, I offer tykání (basically a non formal way of communication) and ask whether he's the new delivery guy for the samples. Well, turns out it's my manager and he exceptionally came for the samples cause he mainly came to the centre to collect the cash. LOL. The thing is that we've been communicating over whatsapp plus he wore mask when he came, so yeah. It was a funny situation. I really felt as awkward as Bridget Jones.

I proceeded the day with the doctor appointment and a lunch at my grandma who fed me gooood. The doctor gave me more antibiotics, the grandma gave pie and like 5 kilos of berries from her garden. Oh and my Patagonia jacket came. All new, ready for an adventure.

Now I just need to switch off, I don't have to be anywhere tomorrow, thanks god.

This really feels like therapy. Just putting it out there in the open. For now I like it better than keeping a diary. Cause diary is just for myself. And this is a good practice of being myself more publicly – even the bad days when I'm sick with a stuffed nose, unsexy and unproductive. And one more thing. I like that Marek reads this. Like now I wanted him to know that I'm not well but it's not so bad that I would have to text him or call him. But it was nice getting his words of support. Really, really nice. And when he sent me his GPS location via his fancy manly inreach tool I just thought that he's an amazing bf. Why? For me this is a part of trust. That he lets me know what he's up to. It might sound strange for some but it's not granted that people do it and I've experienced some close people failing at this basic "letting your loved ones know" task.

So now I would like to finish off with something positive. Which is: I'm getting seriously better at driving. If you knew me. Oh boy. I was anxious as fuck. And overall my orientation in space was quite miserable. Now I'm a little less anxious. And today I caught myself that I can calmly overtake another car, bus, a cyclist. You name it.

_ili

[cowsinbathrooms]

Day 6

The unexamined life is not worth living, some smartass philosopher said. And anyone can put their own values into this statement. For me, life without adventure is not worth living. Like. Not some large epic adventure. But the ones that are surprisingly possible. I was planning this paddleboarding trip into the Norway fjords for a while. And in the bigger picture, an ideal life, let’s call that the Marek project.

And I had no idea what its gonna look like. It was a feeling. The kind of feeling like i would like this, but don’t know what it is. And I am stubborn. I want to be able to express this in better literary terms. Like a marshmallow mango mash potatoes. So it tastes good. But nevermind. It was anfeeling of freedom, it had different shades of green, tasted like wagyu beef - the kind of delicious food that leaves your belly thanking you with a cosy warm feeling even day after. It felt like love. It had a rythm and expressed in dance. It was hard and honest.

Omg, I wanted to write about my experience of paddling through Norway on a Paddleboard but end up describing some uncapturable things. And it is all here. That’s why I want to capture it. I am writing this in a small cottage near waterfall. The deep sound of falling water mixes with a sound of fire in a small stove. The firewood smells so good that I would want it as a fragrance on my gf. I have great gf by the way, the feeling of coming back from the wilderness to her curly hair feels safe. Like I don’t have to squeeze every moment here in fear of coming back empty handed. I have a lot back home.

The paddleboard travel represents an ultimate minimalism. Just a floating deck. And a paddle. No boundaries. Water splashes over. Standing on it is hard, but honest. And compared to other boats, it is easier to get back on when you fall. And start again.

The fjords are large. Yesterday, we went on the main fjord that is about 4 km wide. And there were waves so large we could barely move forward. The village on sight, our refuge, was lit with sunshine. And once we got there, there was a small supermarket with simple but delicious food. Salmon, bread, some cheesy spread. Cheap community camping. Noone goes there, we were the only ones.

All of the qualities I’ve tried to describe in the beginning are here. It is day 6 but it already fels like an adventure of a lifetime. A month. The days are different yet the routine remains the same. Pack, paddle, eat, camp. Yet is so different. I am also allowing myself to watch some series in the evening. Why not if it feels good. And the most important aspect is presence. Being here in a cold paddle while raining, being here while eating, being here while stand up paddling in a choppy water striking the paddle into the waves. Some being heres are much harder. But all of them are worth it.

[cowsinbathrooms]

This blog has lately been my braindump, emotional regulator and an alternative communicaton channel with Marek. And now it’s probably gonna be my typing w/ all 10 gym. Not what I've intended for the slightest.

Which brings me to the concept of bending things to serve me instead of having it the other way. I would usually just push through. But recently it has been a lot about letting go. The hardest part for me is definitely letting go of emotions. I started feeling sick yesterday. My ear has started hurting and I got slightly higher temperature. The doctor has been super mean and I haven't found a replacement for me to work at the covid testing centre so I will have to go there during the weekend. But somehow in this sick state I don't really care and my emotional processing has been really smooth. I guess my body can't handle stress at the moment so it doesn't produce it. There's a lot to be learned during a sickness.

So today I've been to the doctor, picked up 7 kilograms of nuts for our month-long trip with Marek, then slept for couple of hours, watched about two hours worth of meal prep for hiking and ate a ton of food. We definitely need to pack olive oil, you were totally right about that Mari. It's a miracle calorie to weight ratio. And now I'm going to sleep to help my immune system fight the mysterious infection.

-Ili

[cowsinbathrooms]

Omg, my post was not saved and lost. So just photos.

[cowsinbathrooms]

10

i started to learn to type with all of my 10 fingers. <- this sentence has taken me like one minute to write. It's like learning to play the flute. you just watch the notes and the fingers know what to do. Marek is now away paddelboarding with his friend. He gave me the keys to his apartment and I spent one night alone there. Cleaned a bit, washed the sheets and enjoyed the trust that is forming between us. I mean. I have keys from his apartment.

right now I'm in my pre-ovulatory phase so I'm unstoppable. My head is overflowing with all the tasks I could do and my impatience is at it's peak. If I didn't know myself I would probably stay up all night doing IT courses and sewing projects. But for me pulling up a late night means that I will have to catch up on sleep for the next couple of days. so I will go to sleep. My fingers are kinda hurting, this has been my first attempt to write an actual text with all 10 without looking at the keyboard. j j j k k k f f f d d d jfdk jfdk jfdk

_Ili

[cowsinbathrooms]

So. I’ve just read Ili’s post and I like her. I like that we are able to communicate and I quite like to see that there are some not so ideal moments as well. This makes it real. But today, I wanted to write about something different and personal.

I am into this project into making the ultimate life experience for Marek (and hopefully Ili) and figuring out how it is going to look like. I think I went quite far. But it will be a long journey still. I am writing this in my bed and there is a thunderstorm outside. How nice. I wanted to go outside to get a bit wet like I’ve used to do sometimes. But did not. For some reason. Today, I find myself in some kind of prison of myself. I had a last day in my work. And I had a really challenging assignment. And I did great. But there was some guy really unhappy with the work I did. Like one of twenty people I’ve cooperated with. And after that, I’ve also finished one large task that was on my shoulder for a long time. So yey, time for a celebration.

There is a great relief from putting the two large things away. But I don’t feel any better. There is still some kind of failure that I did not do a better job at satisfying everyone in work, even though it is literally impossible. So I am starting to notice that I have a really unrealistic demands on myself. And through observing and some work, it will probably get better, but still. It is hard. There was this challenge and a routine of getting a double burger with coleslaw and eating it on a corporate roof alone while listening to audiobooks. Solving hard problems. Talking to people. And at the same time, it felt like drop in an ocean. I’ve made a lot of work, but changed so little. It filled me. And drained me at the same time. Strange.

But. And I still wonder how to write about feelings and stuff and not use I at the beginning of each sentence. Added as todo. So. I think that the answer to all this is in the presence. That all the problems can never be solved. Like. There is no control over most things in my life. And thinking that there will be some place where everything is alright is a pure mirage. I have some ideas how to approach this. And I feel I am close. And the next thing to do is to go outside. And enjoy the rain for a few moments.

[cowsinbathrooms]

I inhaled my dinner and immediately came here to write. I've felt really strong urge to write. I've felt many feelings today.

We went to bachata class yesterday with Marek. He was tired from work and I was kinda excited about everything. My new massage therapy job, new potential remote job and maybe something else I can't recall at the moment. And I became really analytical during our bachata class and wanted to figure out everything we could improve. I thought this is gonna help Marek to feel less tired since I was gonna be the one trying to figure things out but he later shared that it wasn't really helpful. And I felt a bit ashamed and for some reason I couldn't stop thinking about this today. I guess the good intention doesn't really matter if the other person doesn't feel the support in the way they need to feel it. I guess this is the actual learning of how to communicate within a partnership.

Among my relationship feeling there have been some serious feeling of gratitude today. I did some massage therapy today. A few people. Each person feels totally different under my hands. With some clients I could spend hours, I feel their muscles respond to my touch and we just synch. And massaging some clients feels really lengthy, the communication is really difficult and tiring. Anyways, one lady wanted to take me home with her so I could massage her all day long and the other lady has told me that she hasn't experienced something as amazing as my massage. I mean, it was really nice to hear that, really, really nice.