cosplayingacorpse

[cosplayingacorpse]

tis the season to go back to tblr

[cosplayingacorpse]

man the pain of eating after you havent in a while is insane. i feel like im dying

[cosplayingacorpse]

i feel like edblr only has 2 categories of people

- pretty dainty fairies with aesthetic blogs and posts🌸

- and the fucking gremlins 👹

and im in love with both

[cosplayingacorpse]

he also never realised how much of a fucking effort getting up at 6 in the morning with insomnia was for me. like yeah chill ive had no sleep but ill come travel for an hour to see you every day its fine

[cosplayingacorpse]

i had a conversation with my ex the other week just to let go of resentment and old shit and he told me that he lied to me every time he said he could handle me and when i went off my meds he was like wOah tHe meNtAlly iLL cHiCk iS acTinG meNtAlly iLL

i just thought that was funny

[cosplayingacorpse]

ive decided im just gonna stop eating until im hospitalised this shit is taking too long fr

[cosplayingacorpse]

5 years since my first attempt is coming up and im not thriving

[cosplayingacorpse]

she also called my sister fat, so shes kinda dead to me rn

my best friend just told me her lowest weight and now the numbers wont stop replaying in my head.

[cosplayingacorpse]

my best friend just told me her lowest weight and now the numbers wont stop replaying in my head.

[cosplayingacorpse]

do you ever feel that overwhelming sense of fear when you realise youre relapsing again after being in recovery for months?

foods start looking like numbers again and the urge to step on the scale every 15 minutes comes back.

and then you think about all of the things that led up to your relapse. you realise nothing really changed in your life but your mind is still foggy nonetheless. you try to convince yourself that this isnt a relapse and that youre fine, and if you just cut back on food a little bit, youll be happy.

and it doesnt have to be as extreme as before because youll be consistent this time with your exercise and eating habits. youll be okay this time.

but then youre up late at night, everything is quiet and your hand brushes against your stomach while youre trying to nestle into your blankets, and you realise that youre right back where you started. you didnt notice the cold at first because it was a little chilly out. you didnt notice that you could count your ribs because you never took off that sweater. you didnt notice that food stopped being a meal and started becoming a nightmare again.

but it all hits you. is recovery even worth it if youre just going to sink right back down that hole?

because same bestie 🤧🤚

[cosplayingacorpse]

[cosplayingacorpse]

my new roommate said that her last roommate had an eating disorder and then talked to me about her clean eating and weight loss goals and how she buys clothes that are a little snug to motivate her to lose more

and like honestly? i have anorexia but this is why i constantly talk about the dangers of the “health and fitness” industry and diet culture bc we have essentially normalized certain symptoms of disordered eating but it’s ok if it’s under the guise of health i guess???

like how is calling it “clean” eating NOT a way to moralize food

how is intermittent fasting NOT the same thing as skipping meals

how come when i buy clothes that don’t fit, it’s something i have to tell my therapist about because it means i am putting pressure on myself to fit into them, but if a “normal” person does it then it’s just motivation for them?

where is the fucking line???

and more importantly when are we going to start acknowledging that the entire world is pro-ana but that’s too harsh of a description so we slap some health buzzwords on it to make it palatable

when are we going to take responsibility for encouraging disordered behavior instead of labeling those of us with EDs as the crazy/imbalanced ones

your fucking Whole30 or keto or whatever “clean” diet you’re on is just as restrictive as the diets we create for ourselves due to our disorders. but we are the crazy ones, right

[cosplayingacorpse]

just got my second dose and i cant tell if i feel like im dying because of the vaccine or my crippling eating disorder,,?

[cosplayingacorpse]

okay did another fast (28~ hours) and i broke it with a slice of presciutto and one of those triangle cow cheeses ? i walked 9000 steps and burned about 240 calories so im not feeling too bad. i need to convince myself that i cant fast forever and if i do, ill just lead myself to another binge so i need to get back into restricting instead.

🌸heres my calorie intake for today simplified🌸

+36

+25

-243

= -182

[cosplayingacorpse]

soft thinspo makes me happy

[cosplayingacorpse]

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck my dad is making me eat fish and chips with him and im scared to break my fast hgvcdfbbjfxs

[cosplayingacorpse]

i went out all night and took about 26,000 steps (almost 700 calories burned) and ive been fasting for the past 40 hours.

the goal is 48 hours but after that ill just see how long i can last. i dont mind too much if i break the fast after 48 hours.

im pretty happy with myself ngl