cosmereplay

[cosmereplay]

Bad stew and worse flute playing? These chapters were such a treat! Only one more thing on my Kaladin in Shinovar Wishlist…would it be too much to ask for Kaladin Stormblessed, former Highmarshal of the Windrunners, to hit his head on one teeny tiny a doorframe/light fixture/ceiling beam next week, pretty please? 😁🥹

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*borat voice* my wife

+ a bonus goated syl moment from oathbringer

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[cosmereplay]

Kaladin Stormblessed and Syl

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So my recent post about Kaladin being an ideal Asian son-in-law got several tags saying how Lirin is still disappointed in him anyway and it got me thinking about how Lirin is such a realistic and accurate depiction of a typical Asian father. I know this whole emotionally detached parent thing isn’t restricted to culture or ethnicity but I constantly read people calling Lirin a bad father and I guess what I’m saying is that I have to hard disagree with their understanding of Kal and Lirin’s relationship. It is just the oddest strangest thing but some white American man somehow managed to capture precisely the relationship that an Asian father has with their kids.

I hate sounding so anecdotal but it's such a prevalent thing that every single one of my friends have this same relationship with their dads! I want to say that this is more common with like eldest sons but I know it's like this for everyone in general. They are stern, because that's the way they were raised and that's the way they saw their dads being. They don't laugh or smile or are friendly with their kids, because that is not the role of a parent, they're a father, not a friend, and you don't want your kids to disrespect you. They love their kids; THEY DO LOVE THEIR KIDS (of course this isn't for everyone but in general) but they don't show it in a way that's visible because that's how their dads were with them! Of course they're permanently disappointed in their kids because you CANNOT let your kids know you're pleased with them, if you do, they might get complacent and stop striving for greatness. It's the whole "oh, you got A? Why not A*?" thing. Idk I'm not saying that it's a healthy relationship per se, but I saw my own dad in Lirin. 

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Ranking the First Lines of Cosmere Books

By which I mean, apparently, "Ranking the First Lines of Cosmere Prologues" because they almost all have prologues! This means that Szeth will not be wearing white and Raoden will not be waking up doomed (even those were the examples in the post that inspired me), as those are the first lines of the novel proper. Perhaps I'll do that as a separate list one day. But for now, here are the first lines you encounter while reading and how I'd rank them!

#17: Mistborn: The Well of Ascension: "The army crept like a dark stain across the horizon."

I mean, it's fine. There's a nice little simile, and armies are somewhat exciting. But this line could come out of any book, so there's nothing particularly "Cosmere" about it. As such, it is my least favorite opening line.

#16: Elantris: "Elantris was beautiful, once."

Not the most exciting opening line, but it does shout out the book's title immediately, and it does leave the reader at least wanting to know what Elantris is and why it's so ugly now.

#15: Way of Kings: "Kalak rounded a rocky stone ridge and stumbled to a stop before the body of a dying thunderclast."

This is, like, a classic fantasy opening line. We have a named character, a fantasy thing that we as readers don't understand (thunderclast), and it's starting en media res. Not a bad opener.

#14: Oathbringer: "Eshonai had always told her sister that she was certain something wonderful lay over the next hill."

Like, by the time we get to Oathbringer, we know who Eshonai is, and we have reason to care about her. That makes for a more exciting opening, in my opinion.

#13: Rhythm of War Prologue: "Of course the Parshendi wanted to play their drums."

The "of course" lets you know immediately that this is in some character's voice, plus by this point in the series we as readers know what this prologue is going to be about. It really draws you right in.

#12: The Bands of Mourning: "'Telsin!' Waxillium hissed as he crept out of the training hut."

I think it really does help when we as readers know the characters. The opening line here immediately lets us know we're getting backstory, so it's interesting right away.

#11: Shadows of Self: "Waxillium Ladrian, lawman for hire, swung off his horse and turned to face the saloon."

If you're reading Mistborn Era 2, you're in it for the western vibe. Here, you can see that Sanderson is straight up embracing it. I feel like this opening makes you expect a fun read.

#10: The Alloy of Law: "Wax crept along the ragged fence in a crouch, his boots scraping the dry ground."

Yeah, the first three Mistborn Era 2 ones are in a row, because they're kinda all the same? We have Wax Doing a Thing. This is the opening line of the first book, and I think it's the best of the three just because it drops you right in the action before you know who Wax even is. Plus, I think it's funny that he's "Wax" here but "Waxillium" in the other two.

#9: Warbreaker: " 'It's funny,' Vasher thought, 'how many things begin with my getting thrown into prison.' "

I think this is a great en media res beginning, and such a Vasher moment too!

#8: The Lost Metal: "Wayne knew about beds."

Way up there just because it's SO unexpected as a way to start the fourth and final Mistborn Era 2 book. It's the only one to start with Wayne instead of Wax, and it just feels so nonsensical that I like it.

#7: Wind and Truth: "Gavilar Kholin was on the verge of immortality."

This one is good because it's the Book 4 prologue of the Stormlight Archive, and therefore this line is HILARIOUS.

#6: Mistborn: The Hero of Ages: "Marsh struggled to kill himself."

Yeouch. It's the third & final book of the trilogy, and this opening lines really makes it clear that the reader is not in for a bright and sunny book.

#5: Words of Radiance: "Jasnah Kholin pretended to enjoy the party, giving no indication that she intended to have one of the guests killed."

This is a great opening line. It's book two of the Stormlight Archive, and readers know who Jasnah is. I was very interested to see who Jasnah was going to kill...

#4: Mistborn: The Final Empire: "Ash fell from the sky."

I just really like this opening line. It's simple. It's bleak. It sets up the whole vibe of the trilogy.

#3: Tress of the Emerald Sea: "In the middle of the ocean, there was a girl who lived upon a rock."

It's the opening of a fairy tale, and it works so well for this book. Genuinely one of my favorite opening lines.

#2: The Sunlit Man: "Nomad woke up among the condemned."

Maybe it's telling that the three Secret Projects are my top three. But this is another banger of an opening line. We don't know who Nomad is at this moment, but we're right there with him. And it's short, simple, and packs a punch.

#1: Yumi and the Nightmare Painter: "The star was particularly bright when the nightmare painter started his rounds."

But this is my favorite opening line. I think it's the inherent allure of "nightmare painter" as a term. Sure, they turn out to be pest control essentially and Painter is not as cool as the name makes him sound...but man. What a great opening line. I was excited immediately.

[cosmereplay]

taxies the collector

[cosmereplay]

reading stormlight archive

kaladins pov: a trial awaits me at every step, i am constantly challenged and i am chagrined by my incapacity to do something right

other povs: is kaladin god????? how the fuck is he doing that??????

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enough "kaladin breaks up with his shitty boyfriend moash to be with his one true love, adolin". nothing wrong with writing what you like, but we have got to get more creative. what about "kaladin breaks up with his shitty boyfriend adolin to be with his one true love, moash"? almost too easy. okay, how about this: "moash ditched kaladin for being too insufferably virtuous - but now he has feelings for their boss's son, adolin! can moash convince adolin that his affections are genuine and he didn't mean to hit elhokar with his car before elhokar gets out of the hospital?"

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Moash plans on doing a plate-spinning sitcom style double date until he realizes that Adolin and Elhokar are at the same table: the storming head table. Now he can't eat the fancy food AND he has to draw each of them away from the head table at different times while dodging the photographer. Thinking fast, he plans to tell Adolin he's not feeling well and has to spend a bunch of time in the bathroom. And he can make a "head" table joke with Elhokar to stay away from prying eyes. But what's this? Elhokar insists on giving Moash head under the table???!

Meanwhile, Kaladin squints at the head table. Is that his old crush, Shallan, looking uncomfortable? Maybe he should talk to her...

enough "kaladin breaks up with his shitty boyfriend moash to be with his one true love, adolin". nothing wrong with writing what you like, but we have got to get more creative. what about "kaladin breaks up with his shitty boyfriend adolin to be with his one true love, moash"? almost too easy. okay, how about this: "moash ditched kaladin for being too insufferably virtuous - but now he has feelings for their boss's son, adolin! can moash convince adolin that his affections are genuine and he didn't mean to hit elhokar with his car before elhokar gets out of the hospital?"

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I am not a get-up-and-at-em girl…I am a “babyyyy come back to beddd” while looking at you sadly all bundled up and warm girl

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Here's my pitch: Kaladin breaks up with his shitty ex Moash to be with his true love Adolin, but it turns out Adolin is shitty just in a different way. Moash ends up dating Adolin and Elhokar simultaneously, and he texts asking for Kaladin's help to figure out what to do. Kaladin, sick of everyone, texts back "Kill one of them. Or both of them. I don't care" and eats popcorn as his phone blows up over the next three days

enough "kaladin breaks up with his shitty boyfriend moash to be with his one true love, adolin". nothing wrong with writing what you like, but we have got to get more creative. what about "kaladin breaks up with his shitty boyfriend adolin to be with his one true love, moash"? almost too easy. okay, how about this: "moash ditched kaladin for being too insufferably virtuous - but now he has feelings for their boss's son, adolin! can moash convince adolin that his affections are genuine and he didn't mean to hit elhokar with his car before elhokar gets out of the hospital?"

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Adolin: Merin points his blade at the king and tells him to surrender, he's already lost.

Shallan: Roll intimidation

Adolin: *rolls a natural 20

Shallan: "The day is yours, you've won." The king surrenders. And that's where we'll end campaign one.

Kaladin: Wait, that's it? The evil king Ahven just gives up? No climactic final battle?

Shallan: Well, he did roll a 20, I couldn't just take the success from him.

12124: The rules do not indicate that a natural 20 skill check is a guaranteed success, merely the best possible outcome a player could achieve.

Shallan: When did you get here? Have you been lurking in here the whole time?!

12124: Uhm, yes, sorry, I just, the rules, I just wanted to help.

Renarin: Is it a problem, Shallan? The Tower Spren is listening in all the time :|

Sibling: Thanks for blowing my cover, Son of Thorns.

Shallan: I guess it's fine. It's not as weird as having Szeth and Nightblood at the table I guess.

Nightblood: What makes us weird? :(

Jasnah: Szeth killed my father, Nightblood.

Nightblood: Well. He was probably evil.

Szeth: Not helping, sword-nimi.

Kaladin: Thank you for running this campaign for us Shallan, it was more fun than I initially expected, and I think I could use more less climactic final battles. It's a nice change of pace. Do we still meet next week?

Shallan: Indeed. We'll be playing the AshSpawn module starting next week. And you may all choose to keep playing as your current character or make a new one.

Adolin: AshSpawn? That's the module with that Kelsier guy, right? From Fortnite™️?

Szeth: Fortnite?

Adolin: Of course! I'm caught up with all the most popular in-game skins. And the Kelsier skin, I heard is from AshSpawn.

Kaladin: Adolin, Kalek's breath man, what are you talking about?

Adolin: Fortnite™️ Kelsier?

Renarin: Brother, it is indeed strange that you've gained knowledge of things beyond the veil. That thing you do is probably very uncomfortable for Kal.

Adolin: What thing?

Shallan: Can we please stop talking about Adolin's awareness of forbidden wisdom and move on, it makes me feel sick.

Kaladin: Agreed.

Szeth: Sorry about King Gavilar by the way. I was sooo wild and "quirked up" back then.

Nightblood: His life was like a lightweaving indeed.

Shallan: Kal, no more inviting people to the table.

Btw here's everyone's character info

Shallan: Chasm Lord, a fresh story teller learning to take the reigns of a cooperative story

Kaladin: Brightlord McChull Face, Eloquence Bard, Syl made his sheet as a joke but Kal takes the RP most seriously (he likes talking himself out of fights for once)

Adolin: Aredor (dead) and Merin, Battlemaster Fighter, takes combat most seriously, has done the most kill stealing and has had the best boss finishing blows

Renarin: Forgescorcher Slayerdawn, Glory Paladin, made his character as cool as he possibly could and min maxed for optimal damage, but avoids fighting out of fear that his character may die

Jasnah: Jasnah, Battle Smith Artificer, Jasnah can't imagine wanting to be anyone other than herself, she's just that cool

Szeth: Rise son Reshi, Life Cleric, he's just happy to help without having to hurt anyone

Nightblood: Szeth, Assassin Rogue, Szeth's the coolest ever obviously so naturally Nightblood lives its dream of getting to be Szeth and draw Nightblood

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So I just learned that in Stormlight, when a gem runs out of light it is not called a "done" gem, it is called a "dun" gem

THIS IS WHAT "DUN" MEANS TO ME

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SA Kink Meme - Tennis!

Bonus kinky fun for this month. Check out the details here:

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somewhere in a glamping tent on the way to the Shattered Plains, Sadeas wakes up in a cold sweat. He has the sense Something Completely Terrible And Insufferable has happened, but he doesn’t know what yet. He shakes it off and rolls over back to sleep. Little does he know that Dalinar has just become optimized to be the most annoying person on the fucking planet

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"I love you but you're doing wrong in a way I cannot condone" and "I hate you but you're being wronged in a way I cannot stomach" are top tier and I need more of them.