cookie-korts-blog

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“I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art - write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can.”

Neil Gaman (at Home)

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There’s nothing wrong with talking to a therapist or counselor or any kind of professional about what’s going on in your life. You are not weak for wanting or needing help. There is strength in devoting time to yourself and your mental health. You deserve some time focused on yourself. You deserve some time to be heard.

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#19 - I don't know.

As you have all probably guessed by now; I do have depression and anxiety, however I don’t like to use it as an excuse or have it stop me making my day the best it can be. Let’s get real. Some days are fucking hard, most times I can get past it all and put it behind me but some moments I can’t and when I can’t it hits me, when I have fights - whoever it is with - it’s hits me 10x fold. Some days I feel like I’m drowning from all the weight of everything and everyone else’s expectations of me, and recently I have begun to do what I haven’t done since grade 10; I’ve started to care about what peoples opinions and thoughts of me are and I just done know how to stop it and go back.

It has taken me years to build the thick skin I have now, and in a short period of time it has broken at the seams that kept my paranoia, depression, anxiety and suicidal tendencies at bay.

This is the thing about depression and the like, when it comes back it hits you ten times as hard as it did in the past. And the best part is that people only care about it and the people suffering as much as they care about The Simpsons - the only ones who truly care and understand are the ones that grew up with it, the rest only want to appear as though they like it so others will like them.

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#18 - Up shit Creek.

So things have gradually been getting worse and worse. Not exactly sure on where to start or what to say; apart of me just wants to pack up and leave everything behind. There are more and more unnecessary fights being had, more shit hitting the fan, and less support from the people around me.

I’m on my way to work on the Brisbane bound train and all I can think about is how great would it be having a simpler life where all I did was work and come home to my cat and dog, without the worries of hurting someone else by what I say or do; by not accidentally over sharing and have him call me a slut, by not having how I am with my best friend controlled, by not having to worry that if I write something he won’t take it the wrong way and become a big ball of paranoia mixed in with emotional unstability.

By not having him slowing turn into someone I no longer know. And to be honest I don’t know what he would do if he found out what I was writing.

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#17 - Life

#17 - Life

Hmm where to start.

I have been depressed and anxious since before I can remember; I have had my good and my bad moments, times when all I can do is lay in bed staring at the ceiling all day, and I’ve had times where I wake up feeling like I can take on the world. However, the last couple of months have been up and down for me; my business has taken off, I’ve picked myself up a full time job to keep me going in the meantime, I’ve also lost someone I considered a good friend to me (the relationship broke apart), and despite having so many social media outlets I feel I have become disconnected from the world around me, consumed by my phone and my want to be more and get further in life, matched with all of the everyday shit that comes with living a life in a world run by greed and vanity.

I try not to think about much of anything as of late, mostly because it makes me feel unsatisfied with the life I have made for myself. Don’t get me wrong I do have a good life but there has to be more to it than just going to work, paying the bills and just getting by? I want a life where I can freely shop at Kmart and not have to worry about the price of something I need, or I can get my morning coffee without having to always check my bank balance and worry about “if I get this will I still be able to afford this?”. I just want to be able to get into my shower at the end of the day and for once not have to pick my chunks of hair from the drain because of how much I stress (I lose hair when I stress).

As much as I love aspects of my life (my family/friends, work, etc) there are many aspects I don’t love, and I guess that is life but I just feel that there has to be so much more to it than this.

#fuck #this #life #there #has #to #be #more #to #it

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#16 - I can and I will

#16 - Don't listen to the nay sayers

It was 17 years ago (almost 18 years) that I was diagnosed with level 6 high functioning autism and full deafness, among other issues. It was 17 years ago that my mother did everything in her power to try and make me like any other child. It was 17 years ago that my mother was called an idiot and a fool, all because she wanted her little girl to be like everyone else, she wanted me to go to a normal school, have normal relationships and friendships, she wanted for me the same she wanted for all of her other children. To be normal. My mother, with the help of my brothers and sisters shaped me into the person I am today, despite all of the doctors telling them I wouldn’t be able to finished school, I would have to be institutionalised, and that I would never be able to be “normal”. My family spent the next 10+ years making sure that I could be like any other kid, that I could achieve anything anyone else could. With the help of an accident/bump on the head I was able to gain hearing and with 3 operations in 2009 to my left ear drumb I was not only able to gain 55% hearing, but that operation also allowed me to be able to go swimming and dance in the rain whenever I wanted to. Now 17 years on from that fateful day I was diagnosed, and forced into the background by pill pushing, prescription writing addicted doctors who “couldn’t be bothered” with doing the paperwork that might have helped me. Through a lot of hard work, constant fuck up’s and lessons learned; I am now able to say with great joy to all of those doctor’s who doubted me (and my family) and only wanted to have me on highly addictive antidepressants (to bomb me out). Fuck you. Fuck you all. Because of all of your doubts; I have done everything you all thought I was incapable of and more. I have completed my schooling years, had good and bad relationships/friendships and now live with my partner of 2yrs with our multiple pets I guess what I’m saying is, don’t listen to the nay sayers, you never know what you’re capable of until you’re put to the test. If you want something bad enough, it will constantly throb until you have achieved it.

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#15 - Bully

#15 - Bully

I don’t really like to talk about this particular topic much, mostly because I feel judged as fuck whenever I do choose to talk about it. So, over the weekend I was helping my sister move when I saw someone I wasn’t expecting to see. My old school bully (or one of them); It had been years since I had last seen him, thankful to finally no longer have him in my life. He and his friends had bullied me for the better part of 10yrs (give or take). He and his friends were the ones to start me on the track of depression/anxiety and suicidal tendencies. My family knew about my bullies and everything to do with the situation, but couldn’t do anything but watch and hear me cry everyday as I got home from school, and have old bruises fade only to see new ones take their place. They bullied me for everything from my looks, my weight, my disabilities, my lisp and even my family (that’s right, they even bullied me for my family). There were so many times I wanted to just end it all and be free of all the bullying. I’ll be honest I don’t know what stopped me from actually doing it, it wasn’t because I was fighting to see it all through to the end, I didn’t have the energy or motivation to even fight it. Now, years on I have achieved things my doctors thought were impossible, and have things I never thought I would have. I guess what I am trying to say is that I know how it feels to be pushed to your ends limits, and have everything feel as though they are crashing all around you and that there is nothing you can do to stop it; I know what it is like to feel completely and utterly useless, and as though you don’t have any other way out. I can’t stress enough that I know exactly how you feel. For all those years I didn’t have the energy or motivation to do things because of them, but for God knows how long now, they have been my motivation and energy to do more and to be better. They are part of the main reason I have come as far as I have. As horrible as it was seeing him that day it made me feel free, and happy that I didn’t just become one of the statistics on a federal bureau website. This is to all of you who felt like it was acceptable to bully, beat and kick me while I was down just because I was different and didn’t fit into your Malibu barbie world. Fuck you.

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#14 - love lorn

#14 - love lorn

I recently started a new job (of which I at present very much love), and this story is derived from my new place of work. One of my co-workers (let’s call her Jay), she is a little older than I and even though our personalities are different in almost every way, I find her to be an all round pretty cool chick. Now, this starts on Easter day at work; I was coming back from my break and thought I would stop in at the stock room and take a few items out to be shelved, when I was stopped by the stock guy (let’s call him Dee). He stopped me because he wanted me to scowl my co-worker Jay for her Nievety when it came to a certain fella in her life (a fella who had been using her for a while apprently). After a few brief moments of talking to Dee and telling him I would do it, I chose not to. Not because I was afraid or worried how she would take it, but because Dee was going about his anger and frustration the wrong way. Little did he know, was that I had gone through the same thing only 3 years prior. So what did I do, do you ask? I waited until the store was all but empty and she was no longer dealing with customers. I approached her at the counter and told her what Dee had wanted me to do, she just laughed it off like it was some kind of joke, but I knew better she looked hurt and all round upset about the entire situation. After a moment if silence I said to her “Can I give you some advice?” trying to keep my voice even. She replied with “what is it? Don’t get back with him?” looking clearly upset and looking as if I was going to give her the same advice everyone else already had. I shocked her. I mustered everything I had to not stumble on my words, and ready to give her the same advice a wise friend of mine once gave me. She was still looking at me dead in the eyes while some good 90’s pop played in the stores background; I took a deep breath and said “No. You are not a child, you are an adult and I won’t scold you for the choices you make. It is your life. However your situation with him won’t change, it never changes”. Her face softened in a matter of seconds and no longer showed the harshness it did just moment prior, she looked down at the object she was holding, fumbling with it, when she looked back up she had a smile on her face that told me everything I needed to know about her situation - I was the same one I wore many a time before. She said with her voice cracking “I know, and thank you”. After our small conversation ended and I walked away to carry on with work, it got me thinking about everything I had gone through, everything she is now going through. And to be honest my heart broke a little for her, not because she deserves better (she does), but because when it all comes to an end, and it will end. This beautiful person will be broken into a million peices and she will never be the same bubbly, cheery, happy go lucky girl that she is now. She will be forever changed and nothing will ever make her the person she used to be.

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Walking/running to work is the best decision I have made. Last year I made the decision to go onto implanon, going on implanon was the worst decision I have ever made for my body; I was breaking out in acne EVERYWHERE, and I have never gotten acne before, I got so moody to the point that I would be fuming and ready to punch someone, and the next I would be balling my eyes out. Not mention that I had a solid heavy period for 3-4 months straight so I ended up having to take supplements as I was tired all the time. Then the doctors decided to put me on the pill as well, but that only made things worse. From there my acne, bleeding and tiredness increased, I became unbearable to be around, and to top it off I put on all the weight I lost (30kgs+), and not matter how much u worked my ass off it just wouldn't shed. I hated the implanon, I hated my body, I hated everything. My depression and anxiety snuck back up on me and hit me harder than ever before. It's been nearly a year since I got the implanon removed and my body is still just getting back to normal. Three months ago my body started to finally shed the weight (little by little); I went from a size 16 to a 14. My mood has gotten back to normal, the acne is gone, has however left scars and my period is just about back to normal. In the last month I decided, fuck it I am going to walk/run to and from work whenever I can because I want, I need to get this weight off. In the last month I have gone from barely being able to fit into my old clothes, to gliding into them; my confidence and overall happiness is an absolute high. After years of yoyo dieting and working out minimum of 4 hours a day, and absolutely hating myself and my body because it wasn't "skinny enough" so I worked harder and even though people would tell me I look amazing, I still saw a fat person looking back at me in the mirror. In the last 3 months I have learnt to love myself, to love my body for all of it wobbly bits. I am finally back down to a size 12, and I don't care what the scales say because I see my body changing day in and day out. #fitness #happy #lovemywobblybits #healthy #new #me

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i don’t even need to know the context of this drawing

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#13 Love and sexuality

Love

#13 Hmm where to start; tonight like many other nights I was looking through the many bridal and wedding sections of that of Pinterest. No I am not yet engaged although I do plan on marrying my one and only Kye. Which brings me to the topic of Love. When you are a kid grown ups tell you all sorts of shit, expecting you will forget before too long, hoping that it won’t effect you in your later years. But there are always those little knick knacks that you listen to and for some reason they just stick to the inside of your brain like cum in a hot shower (sorry for the vulgar language, there is probably going to be a lot of it). Tonight I while skimming through the bridal expos I found myself thinking back to when I was an innocent, Nieve little shit. My mum was sitting at the computer in the spare room playing her online Neopets game, she was going on about love. When she turned around, grabbed my hands and said “Kortney, always remember that there are different types of love” she then went back to playing her computer games. At the time I didn’t think much of it, different kinds of love? Whatever. Everyone loves eachother just the same, or at least that’s what I thought until I hit puberty. Everybody was going through that weird hormonal phase that every teen pretty much goes through, but not me, I wouldn’t let myself, and I know at this point your probably thinking, whatever you were probably the biggest slut. However you would be so ridiculously wrong it’s not even funny; I wanted to be a nun. That’s right a nun. I spent so long of my highschool life pretty much sitting back and watching everybody I know get over come by this age old, back to basics, prehistoric need to reproduce and I wanted none (zilch) of that. By the time I got to grade 11 I already had my life planned out for me, I was going to build my life around serving God. That was until I met Z, he and I had been close friends all of high school, I had previously dated his friend for a couple of months, however it didn’t feel right so I ended things in the traditional over dramatic teen way. When Z and I became a couple he was my first for a lot of things. Even though he and I were only together for 6 months and even though I do regret the deterioration of our friendship, I do not regret the relationship as it taught me a lot about myself and who I was. When I was a little girl I remember coming home from school one afternoon, I was confused about who I was, what I was. I went to my bedroom and pulled out my favourite books and just looked at all of the beautiful girls in them, and how coincidentally they all had male counterparts. I waited until mum was relaxed and playing her online games before I approached her. I sat down on the horrible blue, stiff carpet by her side. Inside my head I was trying sk hard to figure out how to word what I needed to say, before long I eventually spat it out, and asked my mum about girls living other girls (keeping in mind I was like 7 here). She instantly stopped what she was doing and looked me dead in the eyes. Whet she then asked “what do you mean?”. After a few careful moments to think about what to say I replied with “well….what would you do if I said I liked girls?”, to which she said without hesitation “you would no longer be my daughter”. When she fairs that I remember feeling this black abyss in the pit of my stomach. She then asked if I liked girls, I quickly brushed it off and said it was Someone at school. The topic was never brought up again after that. Which brings us back to Z. Towards the end of our relationship I started to find myself loading track of who I thought I was. I found myself looking more and more at females (mostly older than I) with the same intent and feelings of that of any man, by this point I no longer lived at home, so I didn’t have to worry so much about certain things, however the rest of my family were well… Religious, and so was I which made things all that harder for me. Z and I broke up no long after I came out to him about liking fellow females (not because he didn’t approve, but because I know I needed to figure out who I was on my own, without being held back by my morals). By the time I figured out who I actually was, it was nearing the end of school and I was finally happy with my life. No longer was I cutting my legs, arms and chest to help me deal with the pain of my sexual identity, no longer was I using religion to mask who I was as a human being. And no longer was I wanting to kill myself everyday because of how much I despised God for making me the way I was. I was finally free. When I had the nads to tell mum, she didn’t live up to her word of me “not being her daughter anymore” however it took a while for our relationship to get back to normal. Now being 3 years out of the closet and in a loving relationship I couldn’t be happier. My mother was right, there are many different types of love, 1) the love you have for family, 2) the love you have for friends and 3) the love that you have with a person, the kind of love where you know you won’t be the same again afterwards. Lastly but not least, 4) the love ypu have for yourself. That is the the most important love out of all of them, because you need to love yourself before you can love anyone else. Today I realised how lucky and amazing everything truly is; I am in an amazing relationship of 2 years with a man I hope to marry and he is very accepting of my “affliction” towards women (haha), my family has accepted who I am and have since tried to help me and understand me. you don’t want anyone in your life that makes you feel any less of a human being, I was with a guy called B, we were together for a year and there was not a day that went by that he didn’t rip me to shreds because of who I was, my only fuck up was allowing it to happen for far too long. He would humiliate me in public and in front of friend, like he thought it was some kind of joke. You don’t need people like that in your life. Full stop. Yesterday is the past, Today is beautiful and tomorrow is a mystery. Just remember to anyone out there that is struggling with who they are, you have to stay, you have to stick in there, I know it is hard and toy want to so bad just to fall off that roller-coaster and sees who will miss you and if they will notice before you got the ground, But trust me when you get to the end and everything is starting to slow down and relax, you will be glad you went through hell to get to where you are now. The best thrill is being there until the end and seeing how everything pans out.

Today is my 3rd anniversary of truly loving and accepting myself, and I wanted to share it with the world. Many people probably won’t agree with this but I don’t care because Bi is beautiful.

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Everyone close to me knows, my birthday was quite recent (21st July); I have tried to hold off on posting this image but I can't. I haven't spoken properly to my birth father since the day he left me, and as far as I know he has not tried to contact me since. Its not like it would have been hard to find me, since I was friends with his step daughter and practically lived around the corner from him most of my high school life. I am now 20 years old, and I was raised by my mother, my brother and sisters. Being raised by a single mother I would say wasn't ideal, but being raised by a woman without the influence of a man has taught me a lot and I wouldn't change it for the world. However, fathers are still a sensitive topic for me. I haven't seen my father since I was 3 years old, the only time I have ever heard his voice is when I have gotten in contact with him; once when I was 14 and another when I was 18. But recently I found out he had Facebook, so I added him and he accepted. The day of my 20th birthday I get woken up by my beautiful partner (Kye) for breakfast. As I am digging to a huge feast I get a message from Facebook. It was him. It was my father. He was wishing me the generic happy birthday crap that everyone gets during that special time every year. When I saw it I didn't know how to respond, so I left it until I finished breakfast. Once I finished Kye went to work and I was left starting at my phone unsure of what to write; I didn't feel comfortable calling him dad, calling him father would be rude, so I opted for the safest option; I called him by him first name. One I decided on what to call him I thought about on what to write. I had been in a good mood so far and I wanted to keep the happiness flowing, so I just wrote back something equally as generic. I didn't want to come across as rude or bitchy and the only I thought it would work would be to put in a smiley face. After my message was sent, he saw it and nothing more was said. In all honesty I don't know why I am posting this; I guess I after all this time I'm still angry at him for leaving and not once contacting me. What is wrong with me? Why couldn't you be a father to me? #life

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I love her 💜

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#11

PG Society

#11 Society today has turned into a PG television soapy; anything you say, can and will be used against you in a court of law or on a form of social media. Earlier today I made a Facebook status about a certain public figure; and with this status I gained a lot of hate from people, both friends and people I didn’t know so well and it made me realise something about the society in which we live in. This is 2015 and people have become so afraid of opening up and sharing with others, why? Because the moment an individual starts to express their difference in opinion about a certain subject matter, they are shut down, bullied, alienated and like so many others turned into a minority simply because they do not share the same morals or thoughts as another person or group (of people).

The people of 2015 have become so self absorbed and overly sensitive about things (weight, feminism, harassment, violence,and the list goes on) that they loose sight about the real underlying issues at hand. Today I got called sexist because I stated that Tess Holliday should not be a role model to young youths due to her promotion of negative images (with her being morbidly obese). Yes I do agree that it is her body and she should do with it as she chooses and I do applaud her for helping others become happy with their bodies, but what I do not agree with and will never agree with is people (man or woman) promoting negative body images such as anorexia, and obesity. You are probably sitting there reading this and thinking “big is beautiful”, “she is beautiful, like others her size” or “she is such an inspiration, showing people to be happy with their bodies no matter how big you are” Then you should be ashamed of yourself, because I will bet $1 million Dollars that you would not be saying that to her if she was grossly underweight and a size 4-6 (Australian sizes), I bet the stars that you would be saying or thinking the exact opposite if Tess weighed at the opposite end of the scales. I live in a free thinking, free doing, free country known as Australia and I love it here. But what I bet you didn’t know about Australia is that in the last 20 years our obesity rate has increased a whopping 37% which means that 2 out of every 3 people are obese, Type 2 Diabetes is starting to become pandemic and that 60 percent of Type 2 in Australia is avoidable but 280 people a day get diagnosed and we have 70 amputees a week from it. Health disorders like obesity and anorexia is the second leading cause of death in Australia.

Everyone has become so cowardly in the way they approach general conversation about general social issues, and honestly it’s sickening to the core. This is now a PG society, where your freedom of expression is widely criticised, slammed by people because of difference in opinions, or even tell someone the ugly truth, because be careful you may just get hit with a court order, sued and/or fined all the way up your asshole because you may have just offended someone.

Peace out Xx Kortney