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[contradiction42]

... Love?

It’s been a decade since I’ve had anything resembling a romantic relationship. the few I’ve been exposed to have been unrequited on my end or theirs... At this point I’m not sure how much I’m alone by choice or because I don’t know how to be anything but. The women I feel closest to are like the sisters I never had... I absolutely love them, just not in that respect... In fact one of which is why this writing is happening tonight, I left her at a party... seems like stuff was happening, and though drunk, she was definitely initiating... but I’ve got a strange mix of trying to be protective and jealousy going on because of it. Neither of these emotions are warranted... I just don’t know what else to think... I love my friends, I love the people I hang out with, but I’m starting to become worried that I don’t know how to love non-platonically anymore (much  to the amusement of myself and one friend, another of our friends is convinced that we’ll fuck and it will be a mistake, and we both laugh at her- in a good natured way- about it).  Long story short... I’d like to remember how it feels to love someone again in more than a friend sense... but I don’t know how to go about that, or if that’s truly what I’m after; it just feels like something is missing.

[contradiction42]

(Que internal screaming)

What the fuck... seriously, what the fucking fuck mcfuckerson. Life is never a breeze, but... holy fuck what the fuck is going on. i’ve been working on homework or thinking about the homework I’m procrastinating probably all hours of the past week other than the few I was able to forget about it while skiing... How is this preparing for life??? Why is this the ‘typical and expected’ path to a ‘good life’? FUCK THIS SHIT. I don’t want to make enough money to buy everything, I want to live and fund the random hobbies and ideas I have... that’s it. I also would much rather have time for fun than more money... I just want life to begin... but I’m terrified of how everything is changing. I don’t know what to do, think, plan, anything. I thought I was doing well, and suddenly I find I am in trouble in two classes, probably at least another one...  Over and over, I rediscover that I do not have it figured out, I don’t know how to get out of this labyrinth of my own making. I cannot focus in the singular direction that is college with enough intensity to excel in all classes... I keep even keep on task enough to do homework during my breaks between classes. How do people live like this? I don’t even have a relationship to distract me. I would welcome the distraction... I am usually comfortable in my own head... but I’m becoming very anxious starting this week... tomorrow I’ve got a presentation, an assignment that needs to be finished, and 2 profs I should talk to. Meanwhile the back of my mind is screaming that I’m squandering my youth, I’m 3 years away from 30 for fucks sake, I need to experience the world. I don’t know what to do... I’ve dug myself a hole with the name of debt, this prevents me from just saying fuck it and going... but I’m starting to wonder what will be necessary to escape this if I cannot go the ‘traditional route’. It just hit wednesday and it already feels like it should be saturday... fuck this week, fuck this idea that debt is our chains, which we put on willingly, fuck this culture where debt is expected, fuck everything... I need a week of meditation and a month of soul searching.... the earliest I could feasibly do this is... a year and  half from now. To quote my friend “when life hands you lemons, punch life in the face and tell them you ordered whiskey”. Yeah... fuck this, I need a break from this lifestyle for a while.

[contradiction42]

... EQ

Currently listening to Tim Ferriss Show episode with Walter O’Brien.

Epiphany. Quite a lot of my problems seem to be dependent on EQ. EQ, not IQ. Its not that I’m not smart; there are a lot of “intuitive” things I do not understand.

This guy is the definition of my wavelength (if you added 70+ to my IQ). Always going, had to find how things worked. somewhere along the way realized there was a deficiency in thinking and ‘being a normal human’ (i discovered the start of this in college, he discovered this in fucking middle school after fucking hacking NASA). “my brain is very susceptible to multitasking... very difficult to fully focus on a single problem”.

... now that I finished the episode and looked to see if there is a part 2, It appears that Walter is mainly viewed in a negative light by people... fucking why??? Because he comes across as arrogant? That tends to happen if you spend your entire life looking for something new and interesting to learn (as I have found out the hard way). I’m struggling to keep perspective here, there just seems to be much more of a backlash than his actions merit, but I admit my view is now biased because I felt instant camaraderie and kinship to Walter.

... Unfortunately, it seems that most of the backlash is because of the show Scorpion, based somewhat on his early life. I haven’t seen it, thought it was a stupid concept based on the previews. And you know what? It may well be absolutely terrible, but I will still seek out and watch a few episodes now that I know why it exists. The show was devised to try to sway the tide of stupidity that is sweeping America, and inspire people to be smart. It was also a way to recruit people into the actual scorpion computer services. Frankly, a brilliant way of managing hiring.

In short, more research is needed on my end. I will definitely be applying to scorpion closer to graduation. I’m coming to the realization more and more that I want to work in innovation as well as engineering, this seems like a major candidate.

[contradiction42]

To the president elect

Dear Mr President Elect:

Congratulations on the election, it has been a rocky road to this moment in time. I hope you know how much work is before you. I would like to bring to your attention a couple points.

First, please realize that the majority of the population did not vote for you. As such, it is part of your duty as a leader as to figure out how to connect to that part of the populace. In your acceptance speech, you talked of healing the nation; now’s your chance.

Next, you need to sort out your supporters. While there may be those who voted for you because they are sick of the current system, and they may even be the majority, you have acquired many undesirables. Blatant sexism, racism, homophobia, and many other ‘bigoted’ ideas run rampant through your ranks. The KKK endorsed you.

Lastly.... I sincerely hope you are as smart as Scott Adams portrays you to be, and this was all just an act. I will admit there is a certain degree of grudging admiration in the way that you go from scandal to scandal, all of which would have been campaign ending for your typical politician, and just breeze through them without a thought. You wrapped fox around your finger early on, destroyed the competition, and kept going; it seems you were playing chess against people playing checkers. The more the opposition called you out on the things you had done, the more your supporters believed you scared them, and that was enough for their vote... in a land of mud slinging, you brought in psychological warfare and ‘hypnotism’.

... I did not vote for you. Instead I tried my best to have my voice heard through our broken system, picking the candidate I believed was closest to my values. The system is broken in such a way for the same reasons that corporations are considered people and pizza is considered a vegetable in public schools: it is most convenient for those that have money and power. In this I hope that you succeed in fixing the system; you’ve arguably broken the 2 party monopoly, and I hope the electoral college and re-elections follow. We live in an age that It takes literal milliseconds to get information from one side of the world to the other. A system that was designed for roughly 1/80th the current population back when horses were the fastest thing around needs to be retired or reworked to the point it is almost unrecognizable. So in this I agree wholeheartedly with you.

So congratulations, you’ve won; I sincerely hope you were using business tactics to psych out the competition, and don’t actually plan to follow through with the majority of what you promised. I won’t try to lecture you or point out your flaws, that has been done by many more qualified than me. I will simply leave you with this: The world is watching, please don’t fuck it up for us.

Sincerely,

-A citizen who cares

[contradiction42]

November 2016 update

Switched to mechanical engineering technology rather than mechanical engineering; roughly 80% of the same jobs, no calc 3 or diff (which I failed again over the summer). 

cliff notes since last post:

- finally diagnosed, put on adderall in July, seems to be helping.

- under 250 lbs for the first time since coming to college. Combination of semi-ketogenic diet and appetite suppressant effect of  adderall

- lost over 50 lbs since january, 40ish since july.

- still struggling to pay attention in class, but i’m doing better.

Overall, I’m slowly getting my life back on track... I’m doing better in classes (mostly). but first and foremost, I’m actually enjoying classes again. I’ve been working while in school this semester, it actually seems to help a bit, having a guaranteed ‘break’ where my only responsibilities are to babysit machines and listen to podcasts for the next 8 hours. I’m still really having trouble focusing sometimes, especially on statistics; it feels like my brain is actively fighting against learning this stuff... the adderall helps minimize the distractions, but I’m guessing I still have a mental block I need to find. Minoring in psychology, only 3 classes to get, still interesting.

Life overall:

I guess I’m starting to enjoy life a little more. I don’t hate my job, classes are difficult, but manageable. I love my living scenario... but then what? I still don’t have a  real ‘end goal’. Ideally, I’d like to find a job that i could work as little or as much as i felt like, and that i could do anywhere there was internet... I don’t know if my major trains for that, or any major for that matter. Lately I’m feeling.... I don’t want to say ‘broken’ but any other similar word sounds like i’m trying to put a  positive spin on it. I’m noticing more and more that though I understand what motivates others, it’s not what motivates me. I’m not really looking for a relationship, I thoroughly enjoy having close friends, but am unwilling to jump through all the hoops that starting a relationship entails. Nor do I want to be rich; I want to have enough that I can honestly choose what I  want to do with my time. I want to be experience rich, not necessarily monetarily rich. Still want to do a cross country or international motorcycle ride, still need to see the world, decide where i want to make a life. 

I want...  I want to say I want a simpler, slower paced life, but the amount I’ve done and volunteered for this semester is evidence to the contrary. I’m building an extremely complicated vice, I’m working, I attempted to build some in depth wings for a halloween costume.... but I would like some time off; I want to read more, I need to get into the practice of meditating more that maybe once a month, I would like to get in shape, I would like to ski at least a few time this winter....

I’m realizing more and more that I’m not looking for a job I love, I’m looking for a job that allows me to have as much time to do the things I want as possible...

I’m reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, and can honestly say this is one of the first books that has put to words feelings I've been unable to. I’ve always been interested in the way things work, people understood when i went into engineering... but not the interest in psychology (save a few kindred spirits). Why is it so odd that I would like to know how people work as well? The protagonist in Zen understands this, it’s ‘quality’, and it connects most everything together... I like understanding how things works, be it people, mechanisms, or even behaviors... I really like this book... enough so that i’m considering adding the wrench growing like a flower to my half sleeve idea. Still one of the most powerful quotes that resonated with me: “the past cannot remember the past, the future cannot create the future; this moment contains nothing less than the sum of everything there is”.  I’ve tried multiple times to summarize what he means by this, but it always feels insubstantial... I’m never able to satisfactorily explain it...

well class is over, more updates to come at a TBD date 

[contradiction42]

One semester down

Update: first semester at MSU done, dropped calc 3, failed stats. passed the other 3 (and the 2 labs). math heavy summer, work as well...

Mentally: Engineering still seem the shortest route out of this life and to making a life. Other routes seem much easier and maybe even pleasant, but I don’t like where they end up. I’m stuck in my world, I don’t know where to go, who to reach out to...  I want more independent, stable people in my life, but how does one attract those types of people? I need to get out more, start chasing my interests again.

Love: ... I need to get out more, I had one potential this semester, but didn’t pursue, mainly because, quite frankly, I don’t know if I could have dealt with the difference in mentality that age brings (she was 19, not being able to go to a bar takes out 1/2 my hangout places). Hell, I don’t even know if she was interested, she was nice to talk to, and went out of her way to keep talking with me a couple times after class, but that could just be a social girl... Basically I’m sick of everyone telling me they’re not worried about me, and that I’ll find the right one, because as of now I’m terrified that inexperience and overeagerness on my part will drive “the right one” away before anything begins. Or, you know, end up doing something stupid to friendzone myself (note this future me: girls do not friendzone you without reason, YOU did something to give her a reason to do this. from past experience this reason is usually not making a move, not showing you’re interested until they already want you as just a friend... etc.).

examples from previous relationships and notes of where I think it went wrong

R: no idea what i was doing, didn’t even know how to ask/too chickenshit to ask.

girl from RMTS: came on way to strong scared her away (surprised she didn’t block me)

N: didn’t trust my gut, knew you were trouble, knew you would fuck with everything, tried anyway, serious trust/people/character issues i have to override to this day

S: flirty with everyone, was never sure how to approach... turned out to be a blessing, you went downhill fast

C: drunken make-out session is not a relationship. Never could quite figure out how you could function that highly while having that skewed a viewpoint of the world.

A: You are still the closest I’ve ever felt to a ‘soulmate’, even if that is unrequited. Your weird was a pair to mine, definitely not the same, but compatible. Still one of the only one’s who I’ve had the stones to actually ask. I will say again what I told you before, you have a beautiful soul. As much as I wish I was the one to be your partner in this adventure called life, I truly hope you find them and wish you well. I wish we could still talk like we used to, it’s just not the same over text.

A: One of the best friends I’ve had, and probably one of the first times that friendship was enough, I enjoyed the trust, the care, just being able to truly talk without worry of what I say, and having it be a 2 way street. I wish we would have stayed in touch more.

K: You are one of the best people I’ve had the pleasure of knowing, despite being given every reason not to be. I never had a chance with you, and, quite honestly, I’m glad, It was much more fun to be the one on the sidelines, the one you actually talked to. In a moment of loneliness and poor judgement, I think I started the stone rolling that drove you away from me... I miss your trust, I miss the randomness of those nights spent burned out on hw and brains too fried to care. I miss being a part of your life, even though I was never a main character in your life, you were in mine...

S: My longest relationship, still one of my best friends. I was interested in you for a short time in that way, but I’m glad that never happened. We work well as friends, but I cannot see it ever having worked as more than that. Way to many nights spent just talking, seeing each other through so much. I’m glad you still keep in contact, and am looking forward to seeing you face to face again.

T: I have to add you to this list, even if it was never even a consideration romantically. Thank you for being there to talk, and actually listen, no matter how long or often we talk, it’s always nice to be reminded there are kindred spirits out there. 

[contradiction42]

What is your level of crazy?

Everyone is nuts. I’ve realized more and more that everyone is fucking crazy in some way or shape. No one is ‘normal’. No one. So why the obsession with normal and fitting in? I do not understand. Everyone does something they know is outside the norm, even the way people think. And yet so many hide and try to be  what’s expected? What’s wrong with standing apart? with all the stupidity and blatant bigotry  out there, I do not want to fit in. This was going to be a much more in depth post, but i gave up on hw already, so we’ll see if I get back to completing this thought later.

[contradiction42]

Some thoughts on personality

So I ended up taking the meyers briggs test again and this time got the result of INFP. I’m used to getting INTP of INTJ, and usually consider myself more of a thinking person than feeling, but honestly, looking into INFP seems a closer fit to my “natural impulses”. This directly relates to my chosen screen name: I am a contradiction. I try to be a calm, stable person that bases my decisions in reason and fact; but quite often my first impulse is to run with things and see where my mind ends up.

Let’s break it down letter by letter

I: introverted- pretty obvious, I recharge by myself, and often choose time alone or with close friends rather than going out. Whereas extroverts recharge by being around other (emotional vampires).

N: Intuition- I will work through a problem theoretically, then actually maybe try it and see if it lines up; unlike the (S)ensing type, I don’t usually use experience or testing right away... I like to think things through and hypothesize before diving in.

F: Feeling- This is the conflict for me... Rationally I am more of the (T)hinking type; I try to solve problems through logic and reasoning, and concerns for feelings are secondary. But impulsively, I can see that emotions and feeling really do affect how i solve problems. There’s a reason I seem to end up a mediator in arguments, and that I can usually manage to stay friends with people on both sides of a bad breakup. I’m also very good at understanding and empathizing with people.

P: Perceiving: This last category usually ends up close to a half and half split for me. Pretty much this is my ideals and plans vs. what I actually do. (J)udging wise use of my time, I plan to have everything done and ready to go with time to spare. What usually actually happens, however, is that I procrastinate and then have to (P)erceive how to adapt my plan. This has lead to having a very open mind and the ability to adapt to a lot of changes quickly.

*I know meyers-briggs isn’t the most accurate, but it’s good for self eval.

So this explains some things I’ve been struggling with; namely why it seems harder to make close friends than it was at the beginning of college. Besides the obvious of that I’m no longer in the dorms, i think a big part is also that I’ve been worse about my feedback in conversations. Instead of offering alternatives and discussing, I’ve been saying what I think needs done... I miss those deep conversations... 

... and i’ve lost my train of thought. I’ll probably amend this later, too much I’m currently procrastinating that I need to actually get to

[contradiction42]

T-1 day for a new change

I start classes at MSU Bozeman tomorrow... I’m still not sure how I feel about that. I’m 25, I’ve been taking classes for the better part of the past 7 years... and i have no proof I've learned to show for it. I’m starting as a junior... going to try to push through mechanical engineering again... but i also only have approximately 8 classes to take for a dual major in psychology. So I’m thinking I’ll dual major. 

As far as school goes I’m far from certain of my choice, I just know I can’t stand what passes for a life without a degree. I can’t go to a job that pays me to do nothing or a job that pays me not to think, or just be a work horse. I hate it, I can’t stand guaranteed boredom 5/7 days a week. Work should not be 8-5 if 6 hours of that is doing nothing. So yeah, I cannot see myself joining the workforce as a minimum wage grunt (full time at least). So that leave college as the way out, to bigger and better things. The more I talk to my family the more I realize we’re all alike at least in the aspect we love learning. Maybe not the institutions or the tests or the school work, but we all like the pursuit of knowledge. 

I’m a bit apprehensive of going back to classes, this is a very different place from mines. The engineering college is roughly the same size... but it’s connected to a school of 10000+. But there’s more to do, and more [for lack of a better word] prospects out there for finding friends and possibly even girlfriends. There’s more help offered, seems to be a lot less of the trial by fire approach to teaching... now it just requires me manning the fuck up and actually getting help when necessary.

Life outlook:

Most people seem to not know what they want in life, the more ‘adults’ I talk to, the more it seems that people don’t do what they love because they don’t know what they love. Most seem to just ‘find’ a career and stick with it; be it because it’s comfortable, fear of change, or just not willing to find something better. I feel like people feel it’s rebellious to try to follow what you want rather than fall in line, and will always point to the ‘self employed’ photographer, painter, etc. that’s barely scraping by as a reason why it’s stupid. But what if they’re wrong? Why do we live in a world that sees breaking the ‘norm’ of the 9-5 as such a taboo, when all the other ‘norms’ are being shattered. We are no longer in an industrial revolution, the majority of us are not factory workers. why is it so important to be present in an environment rather than productive???

My goal in life is not stability. My life goal is happiness. Stability may be needed to reach my goal, but it is not a goal in and of itself; and i never want to lose sight of that. I want a flexible job, something that I can work 80 hours if obsession strikes, or telecommute 10 hours, provided I am still doing proficient work. I do not want 9-5 to control my life; I want to explore, I want my life to be about living. I want work to supplement my life. One of my favorite quotes albeit shortened is from Bill Watterson “Creating your own life’s meaning is not easy, but it’s still allowed, and I think you’ll be happier for the trouble.” It means so much more that this is one the the only people I know that practiced what he preached, even if it meant losing millions, perhaps billions. By not copyrighting Calvin and Hobbes, he lost a way to being stupid rich. And to top it off, at the peak of the comics popularity... he just ended it, felt he had said all he had needed to say, and pretty much disappeared from the public eye. I seriously wish i could do the same, but I honestly don’t know if I could resist that temptation.

My life is not planned, because life is a battle, and as Roland Deschain[Stephen King] so aptly puts, “a plan only lasts until the first shot is fired” (paraphrase, I can’t find the exact quote). Life is truly a battle or more that likely a war. There are objectives you need to take to win, but losing one of them is not the end, just the starting point of possibly another battle. One thing I remember reading that stuck with me is that theworld is not out to get you, but neither is it going to help you,the world is uncaring. Most people find this depressing, but to me it’s actually more uplifting. It means your life is your own. the world doesn’t owe it to you, but it’s not going to stop you.

I don’t want to just exist, to subsist from day to day, i want to live to the fullest, and in my own way... wait that seems like song lyrics, but I don’t know them or when I would have heard them... Oh well. What i’ve taken 3 paragraphs to say is that I haven’t liked what I’ve found on the predetermined paths that most follow, so I hope I have the courage to blaze my own trail, or at least take the path less traveled.

This has been another update from the state of my head, it has been minimally edited (as in only when the red things say I messed up a word). Hopefully it’s readable, but it’s good to give myself save points to check back on.

[contradiction42]

1/4 century alive

25th birthday.... no cake, no fan-fair; lots of calls/texts from friends... but everyone in physical proximity didn’t notice.... oh well.  I am trying to figure if I care, and if so, why.

Life-ish update: bills are overwhelming, not having a degree sucks, credit cards are evil, and i want an adv/sport touring or touring bike. Student loans, credit cards, and my lack of cooking for myself have made things difficult money wise.

I don’t really want to go back to school, but i need a career, or a way to actually live the lifestyle i want. most obvious choice is a degree... 

Love-life: haha you’re funny, that would require getting to know new people.

Bozeman; i still love it here, beauty, plenty to do, now to find people to do stuff with...

feeling overall: ...disappointed? Life at 25 is not where i expected to be; i was hoping to be successful either in love or in finance by now.

[contradiction42]

me

holy quick update but i need to put this down before i forget it.

I am comfortable being alone with myself, and in my own head.

This doesn't mean that I'm going to stop trying to lose weight, try to better myself,  just that I'm ok with who I am.

I think that's why I'm having trouble re-connecting with one friend in particular. He puts on a big show about liking his path... but I feel like when he actually thinks about it, he's having trouble living with himself

[contradiction42]

Dreams

Growing up, I wasn't taught some dreams were better than others. The only thing that was "forced on me" was getting an education past high school. Even that was open ended- be it college, a trade school, or even an apprenticeship. It was made very clear to me why this was expected, and why.

My point is, I was raised in such a way that I wasn't forced into anything. They encouraged success and education, and discouraged destructive behaviors. I can't think of a single time they pushed me to do something that was more in their best interests than mine. They were as close to being truly neutral while actively being parents as I've ever seen. I can only recall once that I was told a flat out 'no' when asking to do something. Every other time was explained clearly why I wasn't allowed to do something. As got out and experienced the world more, I realized just how this was in rearing a child.

Unfortunately, this has lead to a bit of a problem for me currently. I'm having trouble finding work. I'm either over or under-qualified for almost everything I've seen. I have an understanding of how to do most anything, but I get bored quickly (Example: I'm coming back to writing this after a few hours because I got bored/tired of writing). To put it bluntly... I'm not sure what to do at this point. I love learning, I don't mind teaching others if they want to learn, but I'm not good with routine. My skill set dwarfs most people i meet (to the point I'm pretty sure some of my employers have thought I was lying on my resume). That being said, the longest I've ever stayed in one job is 2 consecutive summers. 

... I want to start my own company... But I'm terrified of the risks. I cannot think of something I could make better that anyone else. There are lots of things I want to make and/or own, but those are small scale niche markets. I seem to find more and more like that. Off  the top of my head: paragliding, paramotor, land paddle, cruising long board, slide gloves, better motorcycle, brackets for carrying longboard and landpaddle on motorcycle, make an aluminum longboard, fatbike, more photography stuff, 3d printer, CNC plasma.... you get the idea. 

So how does one test the waters for any of these markets? I can make parts for a lot of things.. but what will take off,  and what will flop? How do I turn a gamble into a decent to very educated guess?

Anyways back to dreams. The way I see the world is extremely different than most. I think a big part of that is my upbringing. Looking back, I don't know how my parents thought to do all of it. Actively not playing favorites between siblings, encouraging me to pursue what i was interested in without pushing me into something they wanted us to do, convincing me why something was stupid or wrong rather than just telling me 'no and that's final', teaching from a very early age to see the other side of things and that nothing is completely black and white... It baffles me how they could do that. Of course, my brother was raised in the same environment, but only after years of work on his girlfriend fiance's part is is finally coming around, so that shows part of it is just me as well.

As a whole, I hate people. I like individuals, and love others. But most strangers and groups can fuck right off. And yet I can see how people work, maybe not enough to predict actions, but I can tell how someone is feeling or could guess why someone did something. I took an emotional intelligence test a year or so back and my empathy, emotional self awareness, and reality testing are off the chart compared to the rest of my scores. (Actually, when reviewing it, my intructor/mentor mentioned that gaps of over 10 were pretty extreme. I had gaps of over 40.) Basically, I can understand people better than most, am very aware of how and what I'm feeling, and am equally aware of whats possible/probable.

So to summarize: I can learn to do most anything, but i get bored fairly quickly. I have I gigantic skill set to pull from, but not a ton of experience to back it up. I am good at understanding issues and how to resolve them, or at least reach common ground, but I hate people. What the hell kind of career do I go into given those parameters?

[contradiction42]

Onward to a new adventure

Well, this chapter of my life is rapidly coming to a close. It took me 5 years, but its pretty obvious i'm not an engineer, at least in the traditional sense. i understand people, and that is a deficit for engineers.

Anyways, onward to... what exactly? Maybe classes, maybe psychology and/or architecture, maybe the workforce for a while, maybe starting my own buisness. Who Knows? maybe I'll be able to make all the tricks in "the  4 hour work week" work for me, and live like a rich gypsy; traveling, and doing whatever sounds fun.

I discovered a phrase from Douglas Adams recently, and it really resonates with me, so much so that I'm getting a tattoo of it in a few weeks:

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I need to be."

this hits more than a little close to home for me... I intended to be a mechanical engineer, designing the replacement to the internal combustion engine. instead i've spent 5 1/2 years earning almost 100 credits with absolutely ass-all to show for it... and probably only 1/3 of them worth anything when i transfer.

I love life, i want to experience everything. there's so much i want to do, but there's someone standing behind me that wacks me with various hammers in the form of responsibilities every time i try to chase and enjoy life to the extent i want to. I want a puppy, I want to try falling in love again, i want to take a cross continent trip on a motorcycle, i want a motorcycle that can manage aforementioned trip... why is it so difficult to get yourself on your feet starting out?

[contradiction42]

My Muse

My Muse is a devious little shit. She loves to flit about. When I can catch up to her, my reward is a ridiculous amount of concentration on the thing she has pushed into my interest. But once she escapes, she takes my interest with her. Anything she doesn't care about is nearly impossible for me to work on; i'm always yearning to be done with it and go and see what she's found. Her interests are amazingly varied, and come and go like the wind. Figuring out how something works is the only one I've always been able to draw her back too. But other interests can be mechanics, drawing, biking, kite surfing with wheels of doom, pararotoring, motorcycles... the other day she gave me a full nightmare of christmas style song. There was a full performance, I could hear every instrument, every word, see every animation. But she lost interest before I could even write down the lyrics and now i can barely remember the basic story (something about angels and demons, and the demons thinking the angels were full of themselves and pricks). She cannot stay on one subject for long, and thus is why I still cannot see doing the same thing every day.

My Muse, my beautiful muse, never have seen you, but I've never been so enchanted by someone that I so much want to strangle.

[contradiction42]

testing the waters

this is more of a tool for me to get my life in order at this point. I have long been meaning to keep a journal, but my handwriting is all but unreadable. though this is mainly meant for me, I don't mind sharing; but be warned, this will not be well edited; this is me writing my own thoughts and musings in a way that makes sense to me. 

this semester was rough to say the least, i've witnessed my 'high functioning team', my main friend base, tear itself apart. I also fell into depression. Not thoughts of suicide or anything, but nothing seemed worth it. as such, classes that i got A's on the first tests i ended up failing. i couldn't concentrate on homework... and i just didn't care enough to do it...  i knew that it would bite me, but i didn't care, couldn't bring myself to. So what caused my depression? (shortish pity party ahead)

looking back, it wasn't  a question of if, it was a question of when depression was going to hit. I haven't have a mutual love interest since high school. I've been going to college for 5 years now, as of this year, almost everyone I started with has graduated... and because of fucking up classes, i've got at least another year. I don't recognize the team i've been on since freshman year. It's changed, i've changed. I also am probably in the worst shape i've ever been in my lifetime. In short: friends leaving/alienated, repeating classes I don't care about, no love life, horrible shape.

the change that broke me was i have finally started questioning if i actually wanted to be an engineer. up to this point it was always "this sucks, but I will get through it. The end is worth the pain now". I have finally been knocked down enough that I'm starting to wonder if this battle is worth my time. 

I never really wanted to be an engineer. I want to build mechanical shit that's interesting to me. that just happens to be part of what engineering is. I love seeing a problem, thinking of a solution, and testing and designing to see if it will work. I'm good at that part. Then the math comes along and beats the everloving fuck out of me. this is doubly frustrating, because i know i won't use much, if any, math in industry. I've had internships and co-ops, I know Industry doesn't use much math.

The way I picked engineering was asking myself "could you see yourself doing this job until you retire?". I thought the answer was yes... but I've developed an extreme hatred of  some of the math required to get there...

alright, enough of an intro for today... more time to sort shit out later.