confused--motherfucker

[confused--motherfucker]

if you are genuine and your intentions are pure. you cannot lose people, people lose you

[confused--motherfucker]

people change, feelings are forgotten.

people change.. and so do life, peoples types… hobbies….

but one thing that doesn’t is feelings, they might disappear, but they are still there or were at some point. they’re always the same, the difficult part is simply figuring out what you’re actually feeling. Is it love? friendship? depression? hate? attraction?

if a feeling “changes”. It was never really the right thing you were feeling at any point, you simply figured out what you truly felt, making the “feeling” “disappear”. it was just the idea of what you thought you felt, or maybe it was mixed up and hidden by the feeling of safety.

You could also simply have forgotten what you felt. because of hatred, or sorrow, or any other type of feeling.

Getting over someone is not forcing yourself to lose feelings, but forcing you to forget the love you felt. 

someone might say “ i changed” but really? Did you? or simply figure out what you feel like, and who you really are?

I'm a whore, I’m a lover, I'm an artist! no no no! I'm a designer!! or a baker?

I don’t know yet. but what I do know is what I want to be. but that! that can from time to time change..

i really want to feel love, real love, not just the excitement about being loved, the kinda love where you can’t just say “i’ll get over it” or “meh, it didn’t work out” 

I want to feel the kinda love where just the sound of their voice makes my feet tickle and my stomach to curl into a little bun that turns into fireworks of butterflies. 

Or the opposite. the kinda love that makes your heart fall into your stomach, turning into the nest of all the wasps and gross bugs eating you up inside, especially in your head, leaving their name and hope as the only thing existing there….

[confused--motherfucker]

2 boring weeks and nothing to do?

I wanna fall in love so bad, but not just with anyone, I wanna fall in love with someone hype, someone who takes me out and makes me go out of my comfort zone, but makes sure it won't make me uncomfortable, someone who teaches me to be as hype and social as them. parties, drinking, dates or something totally unhinged like going on a picnic, but instead of food we have a liter of vodka and 2 liters of orange juice. 

someone who would stand up for me, keep his arm around me to mark his Territory, and get in fist fights with me and not let me win, but not totally hurt me, maybe teach me to fight properly 

Long story short, someone who gives me excitement. but also someone who enjoys being alone with me and thinks I'm good enough as I am, even though i don’t have the qualities that I would have had, if I hadn't experienced certain things. 

i thought i had just met that kinda guy but he wasn’t. 

He took me out with his friends, went on vodka picnics, watched movies with me, and fell asleep on me. but he was not. He was a coke addict who wanted a relationship, just not with me, I was just to practice on maybe. 

or not? He was the one to plan dates and the one who said random shit to get my attention and the one spending almost every day in 2 weeks with me. i mean that must be something, right?

or Was it fake? 

or was i just “too much” 

or was the girl he brought to a get together just more interesting? 

I mean he wasn’t my boyfriend, but like was it really nothing then? 

we fucked, kissed, cuddled, held hands… what the fuck would it be, if not something? 

2 boring weeks and nothing to do?

[confused--motherfucker]

Takling stage

new guy

i met this guy 3 weeks ago when I graduated. He never had a serious relationship, yet he have been in a relationship (same as me)

We hung out every day the last week and he does likes me. BUT things went to fast bc he had to meet my strict ass parents who BOMBED him with questions.

So he backed off, didn’t want anything, or so I was told by his friends. So we were friends even tho he slept by me 2 days ago and Got a fucking blowjob.

As I said, We were still friends (in the very short “ended things” until some guy scared me and He stod up for me and we ended up kissing again and then we talked

it was so fkn Nice.

i feel SO respected with him bc when he took a no, which is new for me I have former sa situations and “new guy” just kissed my forehead when I apologised for getting scared right before sex. Which made me feel safe so we fucked… twice.

We agreed we’re getting to know each other now, and I hope hope hope we can continue this “situationship”

He’s staying with me for the weekend, he lives far away and have to stay home in weekends from his dorm. I just need my parents to let him :)

I wanna get with him if things continue like so, but I don’t know him that well yet, so he’s not my bf (yet)

So far it’s the 3 month rule

Man’s I couldn’t be happier

[confused--motherfucker]

theo

three years have past 

since my happiest day alive 

the thought of it makes me both smile and cry. 

he was mine, my black beatiful dime

my little love, my protection. 

i had no need of love, he was my prioity, the one on the top

scared like me, but also exremly scary

to people who only saw the barking, growls, 

the agression his passed have caused 

that i found so comforting. people didn’t dare to get near, 

when my soft loving puppy growled from a distance. 

when in reality all he felt was fear, just like i used to without him. 

he lived in fear, but was safe by me when fireworks exploded, 

when some big flat surface, that remineded him of his passed. 

where he beaten, not fed, just brutually harassed. 

but by me he didn’t feel fear, he slept cuddled and looked at me with his big brown eyes saying. 

“everything is okay as long as you’re here.”

but time passed and he grew strong. i couln’t walk him. 

his protection started being a danger to others. and some random day i was told. 

“in one month we’ll take him, prepare to be on your own.”

[confused--motherfucker]

In those times it’s harder to shower

Where we stare at our phones hour after hour

doing nothing and waiting for the one that was there

for you and you for them

feeling like a coward, being afraid to tell that one person you trusted more than ever, that you need them when they're at their higest

they have a life of their own

and you can not help but feel guilt from the anger, sorrow, fear that you have not shown

it will pull them down. and i wont cause that.

[confused--motherfucker]

the people of breath, the villain in the chest, panic, gatekeeper fear and heroes in my mind

There’s heroes in my mind, telling me to hide. 

screaming, shouting, yelling at me loud. 

fear is fluttering my head making me leak. 

making me cry, scream, shout like a freak. 

The so-called heroes are telling me to hide “act normal! don’t let them see.

 the eyes and thoughts that are not your own 

will point fingers and leave you forever alone.”

my lungs are a prison, for only air, 

no matter how much they try they cannot escape. cause There's a gatekeeper in my throat called fear. 

it’s screaming at the people of breath, who are needed for war, to stay in here.

forcing more in but none out.

they only way for them to escape,

is to be hidden in the cries and shouts that panic create.

the villain in the chest, panics slave, is beating harder and harder, 

Pulsing it’s warriors to where the heroes in my mind are defeated their not stronger only smarter 

making me, the world of the people of breath, the villain in the chest, panic, gatekeeper fear and the heroes in my mind

shake, shiver and collapse.

The heroes are beaten by the villain in the chest, the gatekeeper and panic. 

They were hurt badly. went down tragically and quick 

Now me and  my mind are standing alone. 

“call for help. you cannot defeat the villain in the chest gatekeeper and panic on your own!”

help yells and screams like the heroes in my mind, but at me. There’s no caring or comfort shown, 

Only frustration

I have to get myself together and learn to defeat the villain in the chest, the gatekeeper and panic without help and on my own!

help forces the gatekeeper to unlock -my throat with the yelling and screams.

letting the people of breath out, come and go as they wish. everything is okay, so it seems 

this pauses the inner war, scares panic away, but the gatekeeper, fear, stays, knowing panic will be back and the so-called villain in the chest will again be enslaved.

leaving me, the world of the people of breath, the villain in the chest, panic, gatekeeper and heroes in my mind, to rebuild itself once again. 

I need to learn, I alone someday have to be the one to fight 

and now The heroes in my mind have recovered only to tell me they were nothing but right 

“act normal! don’t let them see.

 the eyes and thoughts that are not your own 

will point fingers and leave you forever alone.”

[confused--motherfucker]

something you wont ever do

i want you to smile in pride 

think my future seems successful and bright

not sit at the event without pulling a muscle on your face. 

while i look at you hoping your face will tell me i'm not a disgrace

you have no clue how badly i want this school and want this education,

but looking at you now, i realize, i should prepare myself, for the ride home and its conversation.

“social retard” “slob” “not good enough” “too ambitious”  

are some of the words that stick when being used to describe me compared to “them” 

“These people are passionate, dreaming, hard working, tidy and live up to their responsibility. 

you won't have success here, cause they’re something your not and won’t ever be”  

i know i'm not a disgrace, and that i'm not disappointing you

but i also know looking at me and feeling proud, is something you wont ever do.

[confused--motherfucker]

neither can i

between these walls where i so often sit and cry,

hide in the corners, from the world and the issues in my family i never face, and indstead just hope to disapear and die.

the fighting, abuse, lack of sanity, loss, war, death and trauma this house have witnessed, in it's 400 years of simply existing....

witnessed people being killed, hung, suffered, hungered, depressions marrige, being comfirmised!..

.. named and welcomed multible lifes.

im told to leave, run before i myself witnessed will be.

because they don't get it or notice the love i myself see.

and yes it's horrible and filled toxicity.

yet it's still my house, where i grew up and within it is my Family.

i get it, i myself want to leave, but if it was a country in war, i the prinsess and my parents king and queen,

it's not possible to leave, simply forget and never be seen.

we would have to fight and work hard to make it a great empire, with the great king and queen.

the war will follow, theres still the people living within the country that is left behind,

they won't simply disapear, and neither can i.

…

i wanna explain the meaning of this poem, my house is very old and during wars and stuff many people have died burried alive, a family was once hung in the sealing in my livingroom, there's still marks on the timberbeams from the ropes. even in my room a girl starved to death, in a fkn oven bc she was hiding from someone and got stuck, while the house was abandoned.

and then my family is fucked, my dad is mentally abusive, alltho he is my dad and i love him, we used to be way closer. and He's sad im growing up, then let's it out with anger, which he apoligised for yesterday after randomly running to my room, yells and then leaves me there shaking and crying for ab 30 minutes.

also my mom, who i was taken away from when i was six/seven because shes a sociopath. because of all this my dad was stressed and depressed, he was left alone with 3 girls at 12, 8 and 6 years old, me being the youngest (atm i have 4 siblings on my dads side now)

ik i should leave and get away, but my younger siblings need me, and i still love my dad, he's done so many good things, some og them being him protecting us from our mom, working 9-5 everyday, cooking and taking care of us. so the last i want is to leave, even tho i need it so so so much.

[confused--motherfucker]

that hug i so deebly need.

my bears in my bed are my safeplace,

it is the one place where i can escape.

sleep smile and cry

my eyes are either wet or dry.

if i cry, i hold the bears so dear of me and let it all out

if the house is enmty they let scream and shout!...

.... their not judgemental....

if in my bed i sometimes i smile

it's from the imagination of a safeplace where my bears are awile just for a while,

or where dreams fly, bringing me high

as the bears cover me up, giving me that hug i so deebly need.

[confused--motherfucker]

Very quick update

Shitty day

Rebecca aka my bsf had a thing with a guy I liked and introduced her too, while him and I had a thing and was lying ab it for idk 6 month and now she told me she haven’t talked to him for long and finds out she’s CONSTANTLY talking to him

Like I’m over it that’s cool but she’s lying and that’s what bothers me, I don’t fkn trust her anymore and it fkn hurts me that she can’t be trusted

Last time her excuse was “im sorry that’s just how I am”

Yeah a toxic lying little fkn slut who only thinks of herself any no one else!!

[confused--motherfucker]

easier to see

I joke about my trauma

I talk ab it with a smile

“please laugh, I’m over it I’m fine”

i would say as i chuckle, making it feel like less of a struggle.

I joke here and there.

Makes me happy it brings me somewhere...

Where smiles are more common....

... we once again joke around

Then “eywhat’s that scar”

it's okay, were joking, they don't know only joke this is to far

I shortly no longer laugh or smile,

they saw my sad side for a second, just a little while

It reminds me of the time

Where the Laughs and jokes

Simply Wasn’t enough to cope or fill all the holes!...

... Made from lack of comfort....

I would cry, hide, and pull needles out of my thigh

That so very purposely was placed on my chair just for me!...

... Now scares are left, way to red... and even easier to see.

[confused--motherfucker]

So fkn close :)

[confused--motherfucker]

*opened*:(

[confused--motherfucker]

stress! Dad, you'er stressing me out!

neglet! neglet!! neglet!!!

Dad, I want help with school, I need food, clothes and hugs, I want you to put your kid first. I want you to come pick me up and drive me to the doctor or hospital, if or when I break my hand, leg or arm. instead of "im at work"

but all you do is yell at me dad, tell me to be more at home. but if i am i can't work, and if i don't work i can't pay for the shit you don't.

you don't raise me because you want to, or because you love me. ofc i know you do, deep down, but it's cuz im your daughter, you don't love anything about me. you raise me because you have to, and bc if you don't you wasted a lot of money on me.

"you don't have any clothes that fit?... work then, like your dad"

"be more at home!"

"sleep more"

"put your phone away"

"Oh, you have 5 minutes to relax? don't waste them, clean for once!"

"god you're just like your mom"

Dad, I work 3 times a week, from 5-11, then I need to take public transport to get home, which takes me until 0:30. At that point, I'm disgusting because I've been cleaning for 6 hours in a messy kitchen. So I shower. I have school tomorrow and i don't wanna stink like litteral food leftover trash.

also my teacher is complaining to me, CONSTANTLY bc you don't check your mails from the school. last year, at the other school they just went to me. They understood they weren't gonna get a word from you.

i can't ask for help, bc i feel like a "have to" not a " want to" i don't wanna bother anyone with my problems bc you always just told me "work on yourself" or "do something about it then"

I always help others, for whatever reason. bc helping is a big deal for me, if people need me im there. no matter if you're a bitch or not (to a certain level tho) and no i don't need anything back, i do this bc, I WANT TO HELP. if i feel horrible about something, but it will hurt another person. I just decides to feel horrible.

i wanna move out "but i'm not mentally ready" honestly i just wanna get out. i walk around all day, hungry bc there's barely any food that i'm allowed to eat. and when i get home my hunger disappears, so when i finally for once get food, i'm not interested in eating. Then you force me to eat, which is good at some points, but mostly it just makes my eyes to cause a fkn tsunami. When I'm alone tho, I'm not allowed to cry.

I get my morning coffee, water at school. If I'm lucky I have a bit extra money for some food in the school breaks, but that's it.

I just hate my home.

[confused--motherfucker]

Simon<3

yk that one Crush that NEVER goes away or always has a habit of sneaking back?

Yeah Simon, he’s confident, responsible, funny, likes living on the edge, nice, SO HOT, and caring. Like bro when my dog died he went to my town in the middle of the night. He also just wants someone to care, but he struggles finding it even tho it’s right here under his nose.

Like brooo look at me I'M RIGHT HERE



I like him, he knows, bc in my snaps I’m always tomato red, we almost dated this summer. but we never made it to more than an arm over my shoulder and holding hands. Bc whenever I’m around him the talkative smiling me is somehow transformed to this quiet shy and nervous wreck. who dresses very… ojjje. But it’s mostly when Ik I’m gonna be around him, i want to impress him.

He also knows that he is like the biggest crush I ever had, as in EVER, mostly bc when I thought I was over it I was like “I was crushing on you like crazy this summer, that’s why I was so quiet.”

But also bc one of the first thing I said to him (drunk asf) was “Simon you are lowkey fkn hot”

And let’s just say I’M STILL FKN CRUSHING LIKE CRAZY

But- he’s distancing himself now and it kinda hurts  cuz I’m it’s my fault,

I’m too nervous to send pictures with energy, or say something, I’m boring, and I really like him, and I’m screwing it all up!

Like he doesn’t struggle with girls, but he struggles to find someone with the right intentions:/

which ik bc he told me what he wants in a relationship



[confused--motherfucker]

:/

I saw you in my dream last night and

I swear I didn't want to wake up