confessionofacatlady-blog

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Hello world, day 5

Day 3 my mind felt so full. I was mourning the drinks. I was panicking, what if I could never ever drink again? I decided that day to take it day by day. Honestly the first thing that made complete sense in what seemed like days.

Day 4, I decided to do something that I have been wanting to do for weeks, months even. Go get my blood checked seeing I've felt very tired for months now. It felt nice to finally leave my bed early to do such a thing, even though I still felt so cloudy and emotional. Tomorrow I'll get the results.

Day 5, oooh yeah. She's almost here, I can feel it. Who might you ask?

ME

The quirky, kinda crazy, smart ( sometimes ) stubborn bitch that has been hiding herself into this little depression. She's nearly here.

The moments I feel like I can't breath are reducing. I am working very hard to rationalize my scary thoughts. I am very excited but also a bit scared about my first weekend without alcohol but bitches. I am gonna pull through.

Of course I am not sure, my mood can change day by day, the road is still long but hey.

Day by day and this bitch is slaying day 5

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Day 4

I am grateful for:

- Miss Gilly

- We are halfway through the workdays. Weekend is approaching!

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When life gives you: third day cloudy mind, being tired and just not feeling okay withdrawels.. be okay with laying in bed for an hour or so. It's fine don't beat yourself up you're doing good.

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Day 3: Grateful for

So ever since I felt these anxiety moments I am trying to sum up stuff I might be grateful for. Mostly before sleeping and when waking up.

It sounds so cliché but it is actually putting a lot of my negative views into positive ones. I am not saying it's a cure but hey; the little things in life right?

- my cat, literally will be everyday and always on this list.

- my work, even though I am tired and want nothing more than to stay in bed. It gives me something to do every day and most important: keeps me busy

- coffee, the brown bitter drink of the gods. Give me energy it is TO EARLY

- my sleep, I slept pretty well last night compared to other nights. Just woke up once because I dreamed a bear was drowning me. But hey, bears are pretty cool

So yeah. Off to work.

Good job good job.

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When life gives you anxiety.. eat a twix in your bathtub

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Second day

Today is my second day of my 30 days no alcohol challenge. People have no idea how long it even took me to get this far to just.. take on this challenge. 

If I tell people I have a problem with alcohol ( which I am quite honest about, even at my work ) they raise their eyebrow because what I see as a PROBLEM is not viewed as a problem in normal society. No, I do not start drinking secretly at 10am. No, I do not drink 5 bottles of wine a day. I do not seem to have any physical difficulty if I do not drink, like shaking.

I used to drink two to three glasses a day, it actually started with my parents drinking wine everyday and my slowly joining them. It started of course like every teenager, going out, drinking at a party etc. But it slowly progressed to coming home from school/work and having one or two glasses in the evening. Now and then it would progress to a 1 bottle a night, which I would turn back to again, one or two glasses. It has been continuing on for quite a few years now, seeing I just turned 27 this January. 

There is so much to tell, so much to progress for me. Which is why I decided to create this Tumblr. I do not expect people to read/comment/like/hate this. I just feel very empowered by my decision but oh so so so very lost. 

The 1st of January, like any person, I decided that 2019 was going to be different. I was not going to have this complicated relationship with alcohol ever again. But it took up untill yesterday, the 24th of March for me to be ready to atleast start this 30 day cleanse. I know it is not much, but this is a really big thing for me. I have been drinking pretty much daily for years ( a side from some weeks of trying to atleast not drink during weekdays )

I am so freaking scared

These last few weeks have been riddled with light anxiety attacks. My work has been super demanding and I feel like I am so tired and empty. Ofcourse wine was one of the ways to relax, but it only lasted the night. When it became morning and my alarm started ringing I felt the worst ever, hangovers and a high demanding job is no joke. If there is anyone even reading and wondering how much I would drink, it would vary from 1 bottle a day to 2 glasses. I would be pretty strict during weekdays but my weekends would be filled with atleast 3 days of pretty much drinking a bottle of wine a day.

So here I am,a 27 year old anxiety filled, kinda proud of myself very tired cat lady.

I just kinda wish I could meet people that feel the same way.. or have been there. If there is anyone out there that would spare a little time let me know! I could at least send you cute pictures of my cat as a thank you.