colloydweek - Tumblr blog

colloydweek · 12 days ago

Text

Trick or Treat?

Colette knew Lloyd usually preferred tricks over treats instead—but as he leaned in close, she realized she wasn't prepared for whatever trick he had up his sleeve this time.

Fandom: Tales of Symphonia Characters/Pairing: Lloyd Irving/Colette Brunel Rating: T Word Count: 2499 Mirror: AO3 Notes: A short fic inspired by a colloyd doujin by Moritagumi. Happy Halloween! (slightly spicy because of kissing!)

The candy was arranged in such bright foil; in shades of black and orange, their material catching the lamplight of the room. Colette had been so tempted to take some of the candy, even going so far as to pluck out a piece from the basket she was given, and twirl it about in her fingers. But, this wasn’t for her! This was for the trick-or-treaters! Or at least, that was what Zelos had told her.

“Hey, Colette! You in here?”

“Oh, yes! Come in, Lloyd!”

Zelos’ mansion had many rooms, enough that she had (shamefully) gotten a little lost the first few times…and today. But, she had found the very room she needed where her costume waited for her; a long dark cloak that she could tie around her neck, along with a crooked, pointed hat. She even had a small broom that she could ride on if she wanted to! She really did look like a witch now, except… whoever heard of a witch that gave out treats to children? Yet the woven basket full of carefully-wrapped candy told her that this was part of her outfit.

That thought was forgotten the moment she went to open the door. They had all gone to Zelos’ home to celebrate the holiday, though she had no idea who would be wearing what. Maybe Lloyd was wearing something cute…

Within the garish hallways, bandaged hands raised up, fingers curled as Lloyd gave a loud, “Boo!”

“Ah!”

What she saw startled her so much that she dropped her very valuable basket full of candy! But in mid-scare, Lloyd quickly caught it, hands pressed with her own. He grinned wide, the ends of frayed bandages falling all around his shoulders and neck, as well as down his arms.

“Heh, sorry. Couldn’t resist.”

But Colette was looking at Lloyd with wide eyes, feeling ready to cry. “Lloyd…oh no. How much does it hurt?”

He blinked at her question, looking at the basket, then to her again. “Uh, what?”

“All those bandages! Did you get in an accident?” She gasped in sudden realization. “Did you fall off your Rheaird? I’m so sorry, I should have flown you instead…”

“Huh? No, no, I’m fine!” Lloyd gave her the basket fully to pull out what looked like rolls of those same white bandages from his pants pockets. “This is just part of my costume. Remember? I told you I was going to be a mummy!”

…Ohhh.

“Ah, that’s right!” Colette giggled, her previous panic already washed away. “Hehe. I forgot.”

“But I even told you about it this morning…”

Lloyd did indeed wear so many bandages, she noticed! Over his hands, he had wrapped it so well that barely any of the ends of it were loose. Though some of it started to unravel at other parts of his body, like his neck, and even over his chest. While he wore a black vest to serve as his shirt, its front was unbuttoned, showing off his handiwork with the bandages that criss crossed his torso. He really did look like a mummy come to life!

“Hey, is that candy?” he asked then. “That’s a lot of it!

Colette remembered then the basket she held, the one Lloyd rescued for her. It now hung around her wrist. “Zelos said I was to hand these out for the trick-or-treaters that are going to come by. At least for the ones that ask for a treat! Though I’m not sure why someone would choose a trick over a treat…”

“That’s easy. Because tricks are fun!” Though even as he said it, his eyes kept glancing to the candy. Maybe he would have reached for a piece himself if he wasn’t already holding a bunch of rolled-up bandages in his palms.

Which made her question then. “Why do you still have all these bandages left?”

Lloyd finally entered the room, taking a seat and then placing the bandages on a nearby desk. “Well… I was also going to wrap the bandages around my head. You know, like a real mummy! But I couldn’t do it very well. And when I used the Rheaird, all those bandages just flew off!” A pause. “I mean, I also couldn’t see out of them…”

“Aw, well, you still look like a mummy to me,” Colette said with a nod.

“No way! You thought I was just all hurt and wrapped up in bandages!”

“Only because I forgot!”

Lloyd sighed, placing an elbow on the desk, bringing up his hand to rest his chin in it. As he did so, he looked at her, and she could feel how his eyes traveled over her. The sight of it made her flush slightly—maybe she looked too silly to be in a witch’s getup, and she wasn’t even using the broom right now to fully look the part…

“Sorry, I don’t look like much of a witch either,” she confessed. “I think even this hat is too big…”

“Huh? That’s not what I was…”

But his voice trailed off, still staring at her. Ah, did she say something wrong just now? Even so, Lloyd kept looking. And his face looked a little red too.

“Hey, uh,” Lloyd started. “Do you think you could help me with my outfit? Maybe if you wrap up the bandages for me?”

Well, that was sudden, but she was always glad to help! With a smile, she reached out for one of the bandages on the table to unroll. “Should I start around here then?” she said as she stepped forward. Her eyes then fixated on his ear. Maybe if she started wrapping from underneath…to his chin…but then she’d have to cover his mouth and…

Before she even got a chance, Lloyd then grabbed her wrist, making her drop the bandages to the plush carpets underneath their feet.

Ah.

And then his other hand, wrapped in white, reached to take hold of her chin.

Ahh?

“Hey, Colette.” Lloyd smiled again, eyelids lowered slightly as he brought her close. “You think I can have a treat too?”

The question caught her off guard, not to mention the fact she felt out of air suddenly. “Um…”

“Or…should I play a trick on you instead?” He pulled her in closer, enough that her knees brushed against his own. “I might have to if I don’t get any candy…”

Candy…candy…Oh, Lloyd just wanted candy!

“Oh, I’m sorry!” she quickly apologized before she put both hands in her basket to take out fistfuls of candy—so much that several pieces of it fell to the floor. “Here you go, Lloyd!”

She promptly shoved all the still-wrapped up candy into his open mouth.

“Urkmf!”

And then, just as promptly, Lloyd fell to his knees to spit out all the candy to the floor.

Oops.

“C-Colette!” he called out in between coughs.

“I’m sorry!” she said again. “You said you wanted candy!”

“But not like twenty of them at once!” Lloyd coughed again, another brightly colored foil leaving his mouth. “Bleh…I didn’t even get to taste the actual candy either…”

Ah, she really messed up now. She fiddled with the handle of her basket—she still had plenty of candy left. So, she could fix this! Maybe?

“I can still give you candy?” she said. “Um, just one though! Sorry, we should probably save some for the kids…” And they definitely couldn’t use the ones Lloyd had just spit out.

Wiping his mouth, Lloyd got to his feet. But his eyes seemed to light up at the mention of the candy, a look that sent her heart racing a bit. “Yeah? Um, but without the foil this time though?”

“Of course!” she said, sticking out her tongue in a tease. “I’m not going to make the same mistake twice!”

“Well, knowing you…” Still, Lloyd smiled. “Okay. You want to feed it to me?”

That almost caught her off guard again, but she was already figuring out that Lloyd was teasing her. She wouldn’t be flustered so easily this time. With a nod, she reached for a candy piece in her basket, unwrapping the foil.

“Open up!” she said, holding up the candy. It was colored red, making her think of strawberries. Maybe it was strawberry-flavored? Now she wished she could have a piece for herself, too.

Lloyd grinned, then opened his mouth with a great, “Ahhh.” With a giggle, she deftly placed the candy just at his lips, letting him take it with his tongue.

And that was all it should have been. Instead, his tongue lingered. It lapped at her fingertips, made her pause, made her watch as Lloyd tasted her along with the candy.

He was looking at her again, like before. He then took one of her fingers into his mouth to suck on, slightly.

“L…Lloyd…” she stuttered, but didn’t move away. She didn’t want to. She could only remain still, her face feeling hot as she felt the swipe of his tongue, at how his soft lips wrapped around her finger. “But…the candy…”

And then, just as quickly, his mouth left her. But he hadn’t stopped staring at her, his tongue licking at his lips.

“Hm… it’s really sweet.”

Colette already felt out of breath. Even with her hand free, she could still remember the way he had sucked on her skin, the warmth of his tongue that made her legs shake slightly. And his gaze on her kept her feeling so warm and good, so much that she didn’t pull away when he stepped closer to her again, so close that the tips of their noses touched.

“Did you try the candy too?” he asked. His voice was low, almost a whisper.

Colette swallowed. “No, I’m…just supposed to hand it out…”

And Lloyd smiled again—that smile full of mischief, the kind of smile she recognized from when they were young and he had a fun idea to play, usually a small prank he’d pull on Genis, or on the priests that would insist that he leave the Chosen one alone.

He was pulling one on her right now, wasn’t he? He’d laugh soon, and then step away. Except, he just got closer and closer to her, until he was all she could see.

His hand, still bandaged, went to reach for her chin again. And she leaned into that touch easily, watching how the lamplight reflected off his eyes. “I want you to taste it too,” he said, before he pressed his mouth over hers.

“Ah—” she breathed, and in that small breath, Lloyd took advantage, opening her mouth up more with his tongue. He kissed her harder, taking in her sounds, her breaths. And she could feel the vibrations of his own sounds against her tongue. His wet, warm tongue, and so, so sweet…

She felt the smooth hardness of the candy against her tongue, pushed on by Lloyd’s. She tasted that sweetness, so sweet that it stung. She gasped again as Lloyd balanced that candy piece between their tongues, his own breath coming fast.

Soft sounds played around her, a groan from Lloyd, another moan from her own throat, and the wet sounds of his tongue on hers. As he kissed her, as he tasted her and the candy shared between them. It was so good and so sweet. Like strawberries , she thought. Her arms reached up to wrap around his neck to keep him close, and maybe she felt the turn of a smile against her mouth then. But it was hard to stop, so hard to stop.

She could hardly speak, but to do so might let the candy fall. And she couldn’t let that happen. She could only keep it perched between their tongues, then close her lips over his own. More, more, her mind chanted, kissing him still. They kissed harder, and with less finesse, enough that she felt their kisses become sloppier. But, Lloyd seemed to like that, his tongue sneaking out to lap at her lips and her chin, all while not letting the candy fall.

She felt his other hand grip her waist, fingers pressing against the witch’s costume, bringing her hips to his. She wanted to be closer. She wanted to feel his hands on her even more, and in her wanting, more desperate sounds left her throat. She could hardly breathe, but Lloyd gave her his own breath, so that she would never run out of air.

“Mn…” was what she heard from him, the sound so low that it sank into her chest in the warmest of tones. Heavy like honey, and leaving her body so lethargic she did all she could to not fall against his chest. Lloyd’s…never kissed me like this before… Usually small kisses, or pecks on the cheeks that left her blushing still. But not like this, where he seemed to try to taste her as much as he could, letting his tongue dance inside her mouth.

It almost felt too short when Lloyd finally separated from her, his lips lifting away. The candy had all but disappeared now during the kiss, its taste all over her mouth. But even when Lloyd moved, he lingered, just enough to let her breathe in the air again. A thin trail connected between their lips briefly, evidence of their passionate kissing.

“Oh…” Colette could only say, still catching her breath. Lloyd still held her chin, looking down at her with that intense gaze.

And when he grinned, it was with a small chuckle, the kind she was so used to hearing when something went his way. “You know, between you and the candy… I think Colette tasted sweeter!”

The words washed over her, awaking her from her daze. Colette’s face heated up even more. “Ah…you tricked me…”

Lloyd kept laughing, nuzzling her nose with his. “Not really! I did want to share the candy with you. And kiss you. So…why not two birds with one stone, right?”

“If you wanted to kiss me, you could have just said so…” But she couldn’t resist the smile that lifted her own mouth, staying close to him. “Mm, but is that all?”

Lloyd tilted his head. “What is?”

At that, Colette reached into her basket, unwrapping the candy piece before she plopped it into her mouth. She felt Lloyd watching her, knowing how his eyes followed the path of the candy onto her tongue. “You usually never stop at just eating one piece.”

It could be her turn to trick him now! Though, was it a trick if he knew what she wanted…?

Lloyd smirked, leaning in close until his lips brushed hers. “Yeah? Well, I think you just took mine…”

If she lost her breath again, if her stomach felt all fluttery as Lloyd’s tongue moved against her own, well, she wanted that still. And it was a fun game, to not let the candy piece fall…

#tales of symphonia #lloyd irving #colette brunel #fanfiction

10 notes · View notes

colloydweek · 3 months ago

Text

Epitaxy

Summary:

Cursed to be the saviour, she wonders if she must walk eternally alone.

Fandom: Tales of Symphonia

Characters: Colette Brunel

Relationships: Colette Brunel & Lloyd Irving

Rating: G

Word Count: 5584

Mirror Link: AO3

Original Post Date: 29/08/2024

Notes:

Written for the TOS 21st anniversary celebration! Happy birthday Symphonia! 🎉 (This is the furthest thing from the theme of "celebration" haha but I wanted to write my favourite character :P)

Something of a Colette character study, written to Empurple by Harumaki Gohan. There is a slight canon divergence regarding Colette's illness. More notes are in the endnotes on AO3.

~~~

The world had fallen away from her unfeeling fingertips, numbness creeping up her skin like an insidious creature, seeking to devour her whole. Her mouth tasted like ash, her heart coldly silent in her chest, so much so that it could be mistaken to have shrivelled and died. Rays of sunlight danced cheerfully across the room, but they seemed so oddly far away, their warmth unable to reach her. An unbearable pressure was building up inside of her, but when she opened her mouth to let it rush out of her, she found that it got stuck in her throat, her lips unable to utter a single sound.

Her entire body beginning to tremble, she raised her gaze to the mirror she knew hung on the other end of the inn room, already certain of the sight that would face her.

Red eyes met her gaze.

Colette shot awake, blanket clutched close to her chest as she panted, panic squeezing tight around her heart as she struggled to get air into her lungs.

She had no desire to find the same mirror that had starred in her nightmare, hanging tauntingly on the opposite wall and encroaching into the corner of her vision, reflecting her terrified form. But she had to know - and thus, keeping her gaze firmly rooted to the floor, she silently got off the bed and padded over with hesitant steps, her breaths still rattling in her chest and threatening to overwhelm her.

Heart pounding in her ears, she jerkily raised her head, bracing herself for what awaited her.

Blue. Her eyes were still blue. The same as they were when she checked every morning after waking up and every night before going to bed.

All the breath rushed out of her, and she gingerly placed a hand against her reflection. Her mirror image didn't waver at all, nor did it dissipate like a mirage crafted just to dangle false hope over her head. Her wide blue eyes didn't darken and dissolve into red - they remained the very shade she'd been born with.

Just a dream, she told herself, in an attempt to calm her rapid breathing. It was then that she noticed that the glass against her palm, which should have held the early morning’s chill, didn’t register at all against her skin. Neither did the smooth wooden panels against her bare feet. There was only the faint echo of sensation, a prickling like the cold was attempting to force its way past a nigh-impervious barrier.

Turning her hand over, she sighed, watching her Cruxis Crystal wink in the morning sunlight as she shifted away from the mirror. One of those days, then.

“Colette?” A voice blearily called out her name, a messy head of brown hair slowly finding its way out of the mess of the covers she’d made in her flight from the bed. “Is something wrong?” Lloyd asked, holding back a yawn, sleepy russet eyes blinking at her.

For a moment, she was tempted to say nothing. But…

Redirect, Zelos had sighed the last time they'd seen each other, reluctantly giving her advice as he slumped over a table, the shared weight of her secret, heavy but brittle, resting in the space between them.

“Bad dream is all,” she whispered, her shaky voice easily carrying over the silence.

It wasn’t a lie.

Just not the full truth.

“Come here,” he offered readily, his gaze flooded with so much affection that she couldn’t help but look away, guilt raking its claws over the walls of her heart. The boy she loved wore his heart on his sleeve, and he was not at all aware of the complicated web of deception she had once again spun around him as she continued to pull the wool over his eyes. Nails digging into her arm, she wanted nothing more than to confess the truth, to ease the vice grip over her heart. But as always, the words stuck in her throat, growing thorns that lodged themselves into flesh.

Even now, she couldn't live true to herself.

Still, she gladly clambered into his open arms, his familiar embrace calming her as she buried her face in his chest, grasping for the tiny fragments of warmth she could salvage. His presence was comforting - that was a single truth that would never change. Fingers ran through her hair as his lips brushed against her forehead, his gentle touch slowly soothing her, even as she was stabbed in the heart with a dozen broken shards.

As she took his hand, she prayed that one day, he might understand.

~~~

When she’d stepped out of the Seal of Fire and into the arid desert, leaving behind crumbling rocks and a smothering sense of heat that had been relentless, she didn’t realise she’d left behind something else among the endless, smouldering lava, lost forever.

Agony had held her in its clawed grip as she struggled to draw breath, what felt like burning hot metal pressed against her chest. Sleep was the furthest thing from her mind that night, and she gasped a sigh of relief at the peek of the morning sun over the dunes of sand, for with the gentle touch of sunlight left the pain, leaving her hollowed out but alive.

It was only once the sun said farewell once more, sinking below the horizon, that she was able to place a finger on what had been missing for the entire day as she walked alongside everyone else, seeing nothing at all as she retreated into her thoughts. The gradual pull of fatigue had been absent, leaving her wide awake even as darkness set in. Sleep had been a constant, if unnoticed, companion all her life, and it had simply vanished within moments, leaving her to stare at Kratos’ still back under the brilliant light of the stars as he sat guard and she feigned sleep.

Quietly, she told herself it was a good thing. It meant she would never again be plagued by nightmares of her possible failure, of all the people she would have condemned to suffer if she didn't complete this Journey. It meant she had more time at night to let her gaze rove over the friends she held dear, who she would inevitably have to let go of when she ascended the Tower. Her gaze lingered on Lloyd - the unruly flop of his fringe over his eyes that could never be tamed, the gentle rise and fall of his chest, the soft expression on his face as he slept.

Just a little more time to memorize that which was precious to her.

As the days passed, bone-deep exhaustion settled in every inch of her body, unable to be alleviated by the solace of sleep. While her eyelids didn't feel heavy, her head did, like her brain was stuffed full of cotton wool, liable to leak out of her ears. She passed the nights counting the stars, staving off thoughts about all the ways she was inadequate. Already, she was so far from the perfect image of the Chosen that existed in everyone's minds. A lost cause from the very beginning, no matter how many times the priests chastised her, for it seemed nothing could mould her into that perfect figure that everyone wished to see.

Unbidden, her thoughts turned to an old memory. Of waking her father up as a small child, no longer able to remember the bad dream that had so rudely torn her from the gentle embrace of sleep, but still shaken, tears welling in her eyes. Before everything had changed, before she’d learned to hide her emotions and draw away from those around her even as she stood right next to them, to tuck away anything that could be considered undesirable.

Suddenly blinking away tears that never came, she was glad that they had been taken from her, if only so they could not give her lie away.

With the chilly night air that made her shiver and the stars as her only company, she passed the night alone.

~~~

She’d denied it, at first, the hints of green speckled on her shoulder the more pressing issue. She'd brushed off the gradual wavering of her senses as nothing, firmly pushing it into a tiny box in her mind that didn’t need to be opened. Nights when she couldn't sleep were simply because of worry, keeping her up and unwilling to give her a break. Meals she couldn't taste must be because of anxiety. Days when the touch of her peers faded to a whisper of warmth…

As the green scales continued to spread down her arm, each inch of skin it took hostage radiating a burning pain, she kept quiet. There were more important things to be done! Like reuniting the two worlds, putting a stop to Cruxis’ machinations, and ensuring no one else had to suffer. Compared to what everyone else was going through, her own problems were minuscule.

Even after her affliction was exposed to everyone, as she shied away in shame, clutching her arm close to her side, she said nothing. She was already worrying all of them enough, making them run around the two worlds, wasting time just to find a cure for her. This would surely go away once she was cured, so there was no need to tell them.

None of them suspected a thing. The genuine joy that had bloomed in her heart when she’d first wrenched free of the prison her soul had been trapped within had been enough to convince them that the loss of her senses had been put far behind them, even as that joy withered.

After all, it had been enough to convince her as well. The soft brush of the wind against her skin, the patter of raindrops against her palms as she’d raised them to the sky, the food she had practically shovelled down during dinner, the taste enough to bring her to tears… It had been enough to convince her, for a short time, that it was over. That she could be…

It's your own fault, her voice echoed in her ears when she stared into the mirror, watching herself get consumed by scales that glinted in the light of the dawn, reminding her of the Cruxis crystal attached to her neck, no longer able to be removed, a constant reminder of the role she had played.

Surely this was punishment for her failure. For abandoning her duty, for hesitating at the final sacrifice. For even daring to think that she was allowed to be happy. An imperfect weakling, through and through.

All she could do was endure.

~~~

She frowned when she raised the fork with spaghetti wound around it to her lips. It tasted like nothing, its texture like cardboard against her tongue. Across from her, Lloyd was grimacing and eating around the chunks of tomato like his life depended on it, loudly complaining all the while and barely avoiding spitting chunks of food into Genis’ face as Genis frowned at him. The sight, and the usual consequences (namely Professor Raine smacking Lloyd on the head with a rolled-up textbook) were usually enough to elicit a smile, but now all they did was light an uncomfortable flame in her heart, licking at its walls.

So this was the next thing to be sacrificed, then.

When Lloyd ran over to her and offered her the tomatoes, as he’d been doing since they were children, she took them from him, telling him that he didn’t need to take her bell peppers anymore. Ignoring his surprised blink and the slow furrowing of his brows, she forced down the tomatoes he’d left behind on the plate, feeling each piece as they dragged painfully against her throat. Her free hand held onto his tightly, refusing to let go, clinging to his gentle warmth.

She could still remember the moment she’d first tasted bell peppers as a small child. Her grandmother had packed her lunch for a long afternoon spent entirely with the priests memorising the scriptures, having to endure their barbed tongues whenever she stumbled over a verse. She’d sat down on one of the pews, shoulders slumped in exhaustion, before sitting ramrod straight when she felt a glare settle on her. Shakingly taking one bite of her lunch, she’d promptly choked and spat out the accursed slice, unable to stand its texture against her tongue.

The priests had not been happy. To be picky over food was too petty a thing for the Chosen, they had said with those severe expressions drawn on their faces, reminding her of the leering monsters that crept in dark shadows in scary stories. Think of the people who had laboured over the fields to grow this produce, who had shed sweat under the vicious sun, while the threat of the Desians hung over their heads all the while. To refuse to eat the food that had come from those efforts would be like spitting on it, like forsaking the gratitude of the people she would save.

It was not fitting behaviour for the Chosen.

So this was a good thing, she decided on the days to come, as she accepted new meals from whoever was cooking that day, uncaring of what it contained as she forced down all that she could. There was no longer any need to be picky when everything tasted the same.

She could finally live up to those virtues that had been hammered into her skull since she was young, which had always been out of reach, no matter how much she chased after them with her hand outstretched.

Because without that, she had nothing at all.

~~~

“Couldn’t sleep?” Zelos’ casual voice broke the silence of the night as he slid smoothly onto the stool next to hers at the otherwise empty dinner table.

She swallowed, realising she hadn’t heard him coming at all, as lost in thought as she had been. Over the flickering flame of the candle that had been burning all throughout the night, valiantly keeping the shadows to the corners of the mansion, his piercing gaze rested on her, causing her fingers to tighten on the handle of her cup. A cup of coffee that she knew was hot, but was barely warm in her hands.

“You're really not going to tell anyone?” he asked, leaning forward, their respective Cruxis crystals reflecting the waning light, the tone of his voice telling her exactly what he was talking about. The tension leaked from her shoulders, and she sighed. Figures he would be the one to catch her in the act.

It might have been easy to pass him off as nothing more than a lazy, arrogant young man, but behind that facade was a highly observant person who had also worn the mantle of Chosen, who had witnessed the ugliness that hid behind the shiny veneer of the title.

“You didn't either,” she whispered. It was not an accusation, nor a judgement. Simply an observation.

Sheena had told her about the orange wings that had shone on his back in the darkness of the Tower. And that would mean he’d endured the very same process she had - slowly losing everything, and yet keeping it all under wraps, a secret cradled close to the chest. He'd done it alone, spent the sleepless nights awake without letting anything slip.

“You're right, I didn't.” The smile that sliced across his face was bitter and tired, a far cry from his usual smirk. “But you could say there were… extenuating circumstances.”

She sucked in a breath, feeling the cold of steel against her bare neck, and shoved those memories far away.

“I will tell him.” She hated how weak her voice sounded to her own ears, even though she wasn’t painting yet another lie. She wanted to tell Lloyd, with her own words, without needing to have the truth dragged out of her like a chain, link by painful link. She wanted to place her trust in him, like he’d told her to, for she knew he would never betray it. “Just….”

It was so difficult to push the words onto her tongue, to ignore the tiny voice that still whispered in the back of her mind that her suffering was hers alone to endure.

“I know.”

She stared at the steam rising from her cup, and they both lapsed into silence. A moment of commiseration between two liars who had never learned how to stop lying, who found it nearly impossible to bare their souls, fearing a retribution that would never come.

Two smiling fools, through and through.

“You don’t have to stay up with me, you know.”

“I really can’t sleep.” Zelos waved off her protest, and she smiled gratefully at him, even knowing the reason he couldn’t shut his eyes was because of the vivid images that would flash behind his eyelids when he did, haunting him even now, months after the worlds had been reunited. She had experienced the same, after all.

It was the simple matter that her heart now felt just a little lighter, the weight of her secret shared between two souls.

~~~

Stumbling out of the Balacruft Mausoleum, she heaved a sigh of relief, having once more successfully driven off the assassin that kept popping up along their Journey. She wished to know what fueled the determined spark in the assassin’s amber eyes, so that they might come to an understanding and lay down their weapons. She had no desire to shed any unnecessary blood.

“Colette!”

She turned as Lloyd’s voice reached her ears, eyes widening when she nearly lost her balance and fell. It was then that she realised he was holding her hand in his.

When… had he taken her hand? She hadn’t even noticed. Had he been holding it the entire time? How… hadn’t she…

“Your hand!” Lloyd exclaimed, worry written across his face, and she stared at the blood oozing from the cut in her palm. A wound she hadn’t even felt, would never have even realised she’d sustained if he hadn’t pointed it out.

Red leaked and leaked over her skin, and she found herself suppressing trembles as she was unable to tear her gaze away, even as he fussed over her. The dying embers of her soul scattered to the wind, pouring out of her from a crack that could not be sealed as she remained frozen in her own tiny world, an incessant buzzing in her ears. She had long since stopped resembling anything close to human - she was no longer even the girl who had walked out of Iselia, knowing she would never return.

Even as Lloyd refused to let go of her hand, she found that she could no longer feel his touch. Not the roughness of the calluses she had memorised long ago, not his fingers running soothingly over her knuckles, not his warmth which had never failed to make her feel safe. It had been locked away from her forever, and she could only struggle to remember the ghostly remnants of it, nothing but cold emptiness against her skin.

This was fine, she whispered to herself that night. It meant she could no longer feel pain from all the tiny scrapes and bruises she accrued from her various trips and falls. She would no longer have to bite her lip to stop herself from crying out in pain, rapidly wiping away tears with her arm so no one would see. It was…

Curling into a tiny ball, she screwed her eyes shut, all the lies she had told nipping relentlessly at her heels.

~~~

It wasn’t that she hadn’t tried telling him. There were so many instances when she had tried, when she had opened her mouth only to stumble at the finish line. When she’d taken a bite of the lunch they’d prepared together while camping in the forest and found it bland against her tongue. When he’d rubbed the sleep from his eyes and stretched his back while she sat calmly, having counted the stars all night. When she’d tripped and he’d caught her, the two of them nearly toppling over, his arms securely wrapped around her waist, his warmth failing to reach her.

She had tried, and tried, and tried, in a way she never had before. To clumsily get the words out, to explain that the Angel with eyes the colour of blood had never left, looming behind her at all moments with a cold hand on her shoulder, grip so tight it hurt.

But he always seemed so happy.

So light, the weight that he’d carried with him for the final leg of their journey having been lifted, scattering into tiny motes of stardust. His smiles were bright as he explored this newly reunited world, awe and wonder clear on his face as he helped as many people as he could, all while collecting Exspheres at a steady pace, moving ever onward towards his goal.

(There were, of course, still nights when he awoke gasping, eyes wide and seeing something else entirely, his hands twitching for his swords. She would hold his hand on those nights and hum softly under her breath, running her fingers through his hair until he relaxed.)

And, every time, she would close her mouth, swallowing the words.

She didn’t want to weigh him down. To hold him back in any way. To shatter that joy with something as trivial as what she was facing. After all, it was nowhere near as bad as it was before!

On most days, she could enjoy the warmth of his embrace. On most days, she could fall into the thoughtless escape of sleep, letting all of her anxieties dissipate. On most days, she could taste the sweetness of fruits, coming to rest on her tongue. On most days -

Whenever her thoughts raced in this direction, she would forcefully bring it to a stop, letting her excuses run right into a brick wall. She could at least admit to herself that it wasn’t alright, not at all. That she was once more drowning as she painstakingly maintained the perfect facade, waiting and waiting for the day the forming cracks got too wide. Terror that she was doomed to slip back into that prison roiled within her - a wild, vicious beast, clawing away endlessly at her insides. Old guilt over her perceived failure as Chosen still refused to die, hissing in a discordant chorus that this was already a merciful punishment - she deserved so much worse.

Holding close the memory of a little girl who had so easily opened her heart, she would sit silent, reminding herself not to lie to her own self anymore. At the very least, she could do that much.

~~~

Lloyd had dug and dug, refusing to give up, until he had finally dragged the truth from her. The ugly, bleeding truth, once more leaving her hollow, her heart having been scooped out of her chest long ago. But somehow, he hadn’t glared at her in disgust, even knowing now what she’d become, knowing that something had broken permanently inside of her. He had only pulled her closer, and she had -

Her throat had burned, and she’d wanted so badly to cry, for reasons she couldn’t understand. But she could admit that it was nice, for someone else to know. For there to be someone helping to cover for her, so that she didn’t need to pretend so much to be sleeping, or eating. For a few moments, she could release the mask and let it drop to the dirt, and simply be. Now there was someone who really knew, who could pull her back when her mind drifted away into that endless void. She was so exhausted, whole minutes slipping between her fingers sometimes when she couldn’t recall what she’d just been doing.

The fourth seal stole her voice, and swaying unsteadily outside the Tower of Mana, she barely restrained herself from scratching at the pale skin of her neck, hoping that it would somehow free what had been taken from her. With her voice permanently dead in her throat, there was no longer any hiding her condition from the rest of her companions. The veil had been ripped to shreds, leaving her vulnerable.

There was no rejection to be found there either. Only compassion and even anger, all for her sake, so passionate and warm as it washed over her, patching the cracks in her soul. It was a kindness she didn’t deserve nor understand, but she craved it nonetheless, cherishing it as she counted down the days till which she would have to climb the endless stairway to Heaven.

Still, she concealed the final piece of the puzzle, knowing she had to keep it hidden at all costs. That was a truth that no one else could know - it was a truth that she could no longer even reveal, no longer having the words to do so, even if the temptation was there.

Slipping from her inn room in Hima after speaking a farewell for each of her friends in her thoughts, she gave the stars that had kept her company for the past months a final glance, before taking the first step towards the Tower that loomed in the distance.

~~~

She giggled when the little puppy licked her hand, its rough tongue leaving a trail of sticky saliva behind. Not at all minding the mess, she petted its head with her clean hand, ruffling its brown fur as its tail rapidly wagged. Next to her on the bench, Lloyd grinned and leaned back against steady wood, content to watch her as the gentle breeze caressed their skin.

“Bye, puppy!” She waved farewell to the dog as it padded away. It was so cute! The ways its ears flopped, its soft fur… There hadn’t been time to come up with a name for it yet, but if she and Lloyd came across the same dog tomorrow, she would certainly do so!

Turning her head to once more squeal over the puppy to Lloyd, she met his warm gaze, and… And all of a sudden, she found that she didn’t want to lie anymore. She didn’t want it hanging over her head constantly, creeping into her thoughts during peaceful moments like this one, casting a cloud over her cheerfulness as she suddenly found it impossible to breathe.

“Lloyd? I… I have something I need to tell you,” she whispered, taking his hand, watching his expression go from curious to worried, likely finding this situation very familiar. Even as she sat silent, slowly mulling over the words she was attempting to string together, he didn’t say a word, occasionally squeezing her hand to remind her that he was right there beside her, ready to listen.

The unrelenting fear from before was still there, rearing its ugly head and beginning its final vicious struggle. Fear that something terrible would happen, that this was still her fault, really, that she should just shut her mouth and endure like she’d always had. But it was easier to pin the emotion down, to take a deep breath and step past it, for she could vividly picture Lloyd’s reaction - he would call her an idiot for keeping any of this from him, and then he would do his very best to help her. Because he loved her, even if it had taken a while for that to sink in and become fact in her mind.

Perhaps he would be angry that she’d kept this from him for so long, lied and concealed as if her life had depended on it when she’d promised she wouldn’t do it again. But she could deal with what came after. Once she was finally free, once she had eased the burden she’d carried, once she knew, with full certainty, that she would never need to let go of that which was precious to her.

She wanted to be the one to speak the truth this time, instead of having to hiss it through gritted teeth. To finally break the cycle.

So she pushed past the lump in her throat, letting the first word fall from her lips. Clumsy, messy, unrefined. But it was a start.

The rest would follow.

~~~

With her heart locked in chains, all she could do was curl into a tiny ball, no longer bothering to suppress the tremors that wracked her entire body.

She had all the time in the world to think, watching through red eyes as her body moved without her input. The world seemed so far away, muted and quiet, and so she pulled further away in the opposite direction, inch by inch, something shuttering in her heart. All that swirled in her mind were not the memories she had wished to cherish before she had set out for what she had known to be her final journey, but rather the events of the last few months.

Everything that she had lost, her entire self gradually, excruciatingly being carved out of her, for this. She had thought what awaited her was death, but surely this was worse. Unable to die, all of her thoughts stuck in a never-ending loop in her head as she slowly faded away, endlessly facing her failures, reflected in the floor of the Tower of Salvation, and carrying the legacy of a dozen other girls, staring at her with dead eyes and wings that had lost their light long ago.

What appeared in her mind was the young girl who had been so open with her feelings, who had freely sought the company and comfort of others, who hadn’t hesitated to speak the truth. That girl was long dead - she had personally sunk the knife into her heart and scattered the tiny pieces into the night, murdering her old self in pursuit of the perfect Chosen who she could never find.

Yet she was all she could think of now.

She’d been such a fool. Who had she really been lying to all this time?

~~~

She couldn’t breathe, the air freezing in her lungs as blood congealed in her throat. Her wings, usually weightless, now felt like they were pulling her to the monochrome earth. An Angel, chained to the ground, unable to fly -

Someone shook her awake, her breaths coming rapidly, one after another, tumbling into each other until they all got tangled together. She couldn’t see much through her blurry vision, just a smudge of vibrant colours that was a stark contrast to the images that had flown through her mind just moments before. A hand gently brushed the tears from her cheeks as a voice calmly talked, all while she simply breathed, returning to a steady rhythm instead of the stuttering mess it’d been before.

“It was just a dream,” Lloyd whispered into her hair as she opened her eyes once more, his arms lowering to wrap around her - an impregnable wall that would always protect her. “You’re alright now.”

Taking a few more deep breaths, she leaned into his touch, resting her cheek against his shoulder. Warm, though it was a little muted.

“How is it today?” he asked, because he always did nowadays whenever she awoke violently from a nightmare. It was a routine they’d both become used to. Her sense of touch was the most volatile, and it tended to fluctuate with her mood. It was useful for him to know if it had gotten particularly bad, so he could keep a watchful eye for the things she tended to miss whenever it dipped below a certain threshold - the small scrapes she sometimes accrued from innocuous activities, or the larger injuries that she might not realise she’d sustained from when they stumbled into an unavoidable battle.

The tender manner with which he tended to her wounds - carefully bandaging a deep cut, or applying ointment to a small scrape - always made her heart clench in her chest as gratitude welled in her heart. He never begrudged her for wasting time, never complained, even when she was the one to bring up how it was an inconvenience. Only bumped her shoulder with his, telling her with great conviction that he really didn’t mind.

On the worst days, when all her senses went haywire and everything was too loud, each little sound blaring in her ears like a siren, he would sit with her and keep her company, gently refusing her insistence that she was fine to move on. And on the best days, he would initiate contact as much as possible - the curling of warm fingers against her own, the brush of soft lips against her forehead, the safety of an arm around her bare shoulders - giving her more to remember on days when she felt endlessly cold.

“A seven?” she replied, pressing her hand against his to gauge if the number was accurate. “I don’t think it’ll get any worse.”

Nodding, he opened his mouth to say something more - only to let out a massive yawn that made her giggle. “We… can rest for a little while longer.”

Still giggling, she snuggled closer to him, amused to find that he had fallen asleep mere moments after those words had left his mouth. Letting her eyelids flutter shut, she pressed her ear to his chest. Wrapped in a gentle embrace, she drifted off to the steady sound of his heartbeat.

In this moment, she was loved.

#tales of symphonia #colette brunel #lloyd irving #fanfiction

12 notes · View notes