coffeemotions

[coffeemotions]

Everything get's better

Surprisingly I am liking the version of me now compared before. I am a firm believer that everything gets better when you put an effort to show up for yourself all the time.

Nowadays, I got to engage to a new routine. A routine I'm becoming to like. I was able to walk for three days straight already and It feels good.

It keeps me motivated to keep going whenever I can see the effect it had on me. Not solely for physical purposes but most importantly eh yung nagagawa nun sa mental health ko.

Everyday felt lighter. I admit na from time to time, I get to stalk his account but it doesn't hurt anymore. I am beginning to finally move one. One step at a time.

[coffeemotions]

How could you?

My emotions were at brink. Like how could you just go on with life as if nothing happened? Maybe it was true after all, you were just a stranger I knew everything about. How could you still lie and not be responsible and accountable with your actions? like how?

Yung emotions ko tuloy laging nasa fight or flight mode. But then I think I have to move forward na din. You look happy and okay naman. So bakit ako hindi? I should also be moving forward dahil wala din namang magagawa kung di ako uusad.

Madami pang magagandang bagay ang mangyayari sa akin knowing na hindi ako yung nanloko. I will always be proud of that. This time I will slowly build myself din. Not clinging anymore to the memory of us, to the memory of you.

[coffeemotions]

It would have been our 8th (1/26/2025)

Hello there, my Love.

Naalala mo kaya na dapat we were celebrating our 8th monthsary together today? We could have made it past the 7 month itch mark. Pero wala eh, life happens and naghanap ka ng iba.

Nakakalungkot, usually kapag ganitong araw, nakapag compose na ako ng long message ko for you. I usually am excited every 26th of the month but it aches now to remember all of those memories we've shared. I wonder sino kaya yung idadate mo sa ramen shop na yun? Was it her? Naglilinger pa rin pala yung pain. I know I miss you so much but I don't want to reach out.

I just hope that you will live your best life while I'm out of the picture. I just hope that in my absence you will find the comfort and happiness that my presence can't give you.

I don't know how to finally stop loving you, but I have to do it for myself.

[coffeemotions]

1st unsent letter (January 25, 2025)

Hello, my Love.

How have you been? I'm curious how your day went. This is our first day of no contact. I miss you deeply, but I'm trying my best to resist reaching out. I don't know if I still matter to you.

I keep checking Messenger, hoping for a notification from you. I wonder how you're spending your Saturday. Did you go to work? Tackle a lot of paperwork? Eat on time? Stay hydrated? What's on your mind right now?

Do you miss me? Are you curious about my day, what I've been up to these past weeks?

I miss our daily chats, our late-night calls. I miss your silly dad jokes, your quirky habits during our conversations. I miss your laugh when you shared your day or got excited about something new. I miss the sparkle in your eyes when you talked about your future plans or a new pair of shoes. I miss it all. But most importantly, I miss you. I miss us.

Tomorrow would have been our 8th month together. I usually get excited every 26th of the month. I would be planning a surprise for our monthsary. Now, those plans are just memories.

I'll continue writing these letters, hoping that one day I can finally let go.

I still love you. I really do.

I love you, langga ko. </3

[coffeemotions]

My greatest almost

I'm revisiting an old Tumblr account, a place where I used to pour out my emotions. I want to share the story of my 'greatest almost.'

I met him online. We clicked instantly. His emotional intelligence was captivating, and his words were enchanting. I, a sucker for genuine love, fell deeply.

Days were brighter with him. Constant expressions of love and affection filled our time together. He made an effort, despite his busy schedule. We shared passions, created a joint playlist, and even attended his online classes. I got to know his family, opened up to him, and loved him with all my heart.

I believed love was enough to hold onto someone. We dreamt of a future together, planned travels, despite the distance between Luzon and Mindanao.

Then, the subtle changes began. The 'I miss yous' dwindled, the excitement faded. He seemed to forget I existed. I clung to his promises, refusing to doubt him.

On January 1st, 2025, he confessed to cheating. My world shattered. Self-doubt consumed me. I begged his other partner to leave, but he chose her. Where did I stand in his life?

I fought for us, but the love was gone. He couldn't fix it. The pain was unbearable. I couldn't eat, sleep, or comprehend how he could be so sweet while deceiving me.

I'm learning to let go. I admit, I still yearn for the old Jason. I hope he's okay.

Today, I achieved no-contact. Looking at his pictures no longer stings.

I fear becoming a complete stranger to him, my love for him fading entirely.

I still miss him deeply.

[coffeemotions]

Thoughts (April 30,2023)

And if at the end of the day, no one will end up pursuing you, I hope you'll find all the courage to choose and love yourself

[coffeemotions]

[coffeemotions]

[coffeemotions]

Manoel de Oliveira

- Visit, or Memories and Confessions

1982

[coffeemotions]

Hi! Back at this again.

Just done watching "The Day after Valentines" and that movie? It f*ckn hit me in the face, the feels in that movie was definitely an eye opening.

Narealize ko lang, most of the time ang galing natin i-fix yung iba. Knowing the fact na mas kaylangan kong ayusin sarili ko. To heal from my past and to move forward.

Blinded with a lot of thoughts, like finding happiness and stability to others. Nah, di naman kaylangan. Maybe ganun talaga, love? it wasn't meant for everybody.

Kailangan lang maging bukas ka sa realidad na the ultimate love should come from yourself. Oo, sayo dapat mang galing yun.

Never settle for less just to be loved, because deserve ko yung best. ^^,

Absent ako today, grabe sore throat 😩

September 6, 2022

[coffeemotions]

I'm stuck watching videos of people na nasa U.S, and it reminds me of my ultimate American Dream. I wanted to go there someday to just explore or maybe have a vacation. ☺️

I promise myself that I will fulfill that dream someday!!!!

Anyway, andaming gawain ngayon. Super hell week😑

[coffeemotions]

Journal (October 18, 2021)

Hi! Nakakapagod tong araw na to. As in, ngayon lang ako nakaramdam ng ganitong pagod. Pero wala eh, kelangang kumayod, bawal tumigil. Hindi pwede.

So far wala namang ganap masyado, nagcheck lang mga long tests, but other than that usual routine na. Maaga akong tutulog ngayon, ayaw kk mapuyat.

so goodnight 😴

[coffeemotions]

Journal (October 17, 2021)

Hello! Hay, eto na naman tayo. Starting some habits tapos di naman kayang panindigan hehehe. Well, nag install na ulit ako ng tumblr app sa phone para naman mas maging consistent ako. 😁

Anyway, today was a roller coaster for me. Nagpunta kaming gloria sa kaibigan namin kasi ninang kami ng anak nya. Some catch up, umuwi din at around 1pm

Aside from that, isa sa mga highlight ng araw ko ngayon ay naguninstall na ako ng mga dating app. Hindi siguro talaga para sa akin yun😜 Nakakasawa mag swipe right ng magswipe right. I won't find my "the one" there😉 Wait na lang tayo sa tamang timing ni Lord.

Sunday night ngayon, tapos na naman ang weekend ng ganun ganun na lang??? hahaha well nakabawi naman sa pahinga at tulog, kasi wala akong ginawang paper works this weekend. hahaha Natapos ko naman na sya ahead of time at deserve ko naman siguro magpahinga hehehe😁

Yun lang nangyari sa araw ko, aside sa pinanood yung season 3 ng you na medyo nagpatrigger ng anxiety ko🙄

Yun lang, bukas ulit. Promise talaga😂✌️

good night. You deserve to rest.

[coffeemotions]

Journal (October 12, 2021)

Andaming nangyari the past few months na di ako nakapag journal entry sa tumblr. Pero don't worry, I'm frickin back! :) Well, I guess this will be another era of my life.

Ito yung era na wala na akong paki-alam sa lahat, it's just me and my obligations. Mas gusto ko na mag-isa. More often than not, meron pa ring mga pagkakataon na ayaw ko yung feeling na parang naleleft out ka, oo nga pala, recently andaming nangyari sa work place. I should say, lately medyo nagiging toxic na. Pero, ayun naoover come na din, natutunan ko na lang maging manhid. Pero bakit ganun no? medyo affected pa din ako. Hahahaha that's very wrong of me. :)

So today, naka work from home kami. Well, nakakatakot kasi tumataas ang cases ng covid dito sa lugar namin these days. Medyo nakakatakot at nakakapraning talaga, andami nang namatay. But still, I'm praying for my safety lalo na at everyday di mo naman mapigilang lumabas. So wala akong choice but to take good care of my health. :)) Sana matapos na talaga ang pandemic na to no?

Natapos na naman ang panibagong araw, naovercome na naman ang mga dapat iovercome. Ano naman kaya bukas?

That's it for today! Good night! :)))

- October 12, 2021 (9:18 pm)

[coffeemotions]

July 28, 2021 (9:10pm)

Hi! how are you the past few days? I hope you’re fine :) 

I’ve been thinking about my past lately and how I am building my future now. I miss being in love. I miss the thought of having someone whom you can be comfortable with. I hope one day I’ll be able to feel the spark of falling inlove again :)

[coffeemotions]

If only I could say everything I want to say. It will all be easy. I want to say I hate you, for everything, for letting me shoulder all your obligations, to the point that I don't have time to build myself a future I deserve. To build a life full of dreams, to chase my dreams and own it. But here I am stuck, with the things that you, yourself, should've handled. I hate you. I really do. But I hate it most, when I can't speak for myself.

[coffeemotions]

A thought just came poppin, I've realized, the reason we don't end with the right person is that we always tend to look for the bigger picture, but not on the smallest idea that ending with someone entails a lot of things as well.