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My dang cat trying to get me to give him food and being lazy

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This was something my wife wrote almost 12 years ago. About coming out about your fetsh to your partner.

When I was just getting started as a fledgling perv was I total nervous newb. I’d had pervy fantasies since approximately forever; in fact, the first sexual fantasy I can remember having involved spanking and anonymous sex. But I’d kept it a DEEP DARK SECRET. I mean, I did not tell a single human being at all, ever, not even a little.

Hell, I kept my complete irredeemable pervitude a secret from MYSELF. I’d say things like, “Oh, those are just fantasies. I don’t REALLY want to do them.”

Uh huh. Suuuuuuuuuuuure.

Eventually I did come out of the kinky closet and while hair-raising it was also amazing and cataclysmic and changed my life and was totally worth it.

But here’s what I wish I had done differently. It’s only one thing, but it’s a big one.

When I was coming out about my kinks, I wish I had separated my desire for my partner to KNOW who I was as a sexual being from my desire for them to DO kinky perverted things to me.

I tell you, the torment I endured and I see other kinkyfolk endure. ”But what if they don’t want to DO that stuff with me? What if they think I’m totally awful and sick and broken and disgusting?!”

What a terrible feeling, to feel like the person you love might be completely disgusted by you if you tell the truth about who you are. How horrible and sad!

Our sexuality is so tender and personal that I think it’s impossible for us to refrain from taking negative reactions to it personally. What could be more personal? And what could be more painful than being rejected in such a personal, private way by someone you’re intimate with?

Yeah.

Here’s what I think you can and should expect from a partner: I think if you tell an intimate partner something private and sensitive about your sexuality, they should respond to you in a kind and caring way. If they don’t, call them on it.

Here’s what I think we CAN’T expect from a partner. We can’t expect that they want to do the same kinky pervy stuff that we do. We can’t expect them to instantly get used to the idea and immediately fall all over us doing deliciously awful things to us. We need to give them time and space to think it over, and although it’s sad, we have to accept the possibility that they might never really be into the stuff we’re into. (That, of course, is scary, because depending on the circumstances you might end up in Should I Really Stay In This Relationship territory).

So. Listen up, New game plan.

We’re gonna Divide. And we’re gonna Conquer. (Or be conquered, whatever floats your boat).

If you’re going to out yourself to a sweetheart about what a giant spanko you are, don’t make it about them doing those things with you.

Make it about them knowing you.

Wait until you can say that the reason you’re telling them this stuff is that you want them to know who you are as an erotic being, full stop.

Tell them that you’re telling them this because you want them to know, and while you would love to do this stuff with them, you’re not going to pressure them to do any of these things. Ever. At all. And mean it.

That’s scary, isn’t it? Yeah. What if they never come around to the idea? Is it the end?

It might be. Or it might not be. But if it is, you wanna keep your dignity. You don’t want to remember that the end was preceded by pressuring them to do things they really didn’t want to do. If they don’t want to do it, and you decide that it’s important enough that you really do need to find a partner who’s closer to your own sexual stripe, there’s no point in pushing them.

Obviously, that’s not the outcome most of us are looking for. So separating the “this is who I am” talk from the “hey remember that stuff we talked about…what do you think?” talk raises the chances for a positive outcome.

Why? Well, I think a lot of people react negatively to a partner’s revealing a kink because they immediately think that they’re under pressure to do whatever that kink is, right now, or their partner will be upset. Add this to the fact that they may have all kinds of extreme and stereotypical ideas about that kink, or that they have to work out how that kink relates to who they are.

Separating telling them about who you are from doing kinky stuff is critical because it gives the other person TIME to react as their best self. It puts you in a better place to have a compassionate reaction to them if they’re freaked out and think you’re going to leave them for the spanking commune.

You’re probably going to have to come out more than once, even with the same person. Coming out is a process. It’s likely that a partner’s first reaction isn’t going to be the reaction that you expected or wanted.

What I hope for you is that you tell your partners about all your fabulous kinky pervy stuff and they fall all over you and rip your clothes off because they think it’s so uber hot they can’t stand it.

And if that doesn’t happen, what I hope for you is that your sweetheart eventually comes around to the idea that it is super hot and fun even though they were kinda skeptical about it at first and wondered if they’d have to wear leather chaps, and they’re so grateful to you for expanding their erotic horizons and they just think you are the best thing ever.

And if none of that happens, what I hope for you is that you can be kind to each other and keep your chin up. You’re not awful and disgusting. You’re a badass awesome kinkyperson from the badass spank tribe. Don’t forget that.

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Being Open

It’s difficult for some to talk about sex, especially kinky sex. Even so, if you have wants and needs that extend beyond traditional vanilla sex, you must share that information with me relatively early in our relationship. It may not be the best idea to pour out your soul on the very first date, but before we make a long term commitment you must tell me everything.

I know you will have concerns about my reaction. I may be taken aback or completely opposed to the idea. In fact, it could be that I simply can’t give you what you want or need. Still, wouldn’t it be horrible to find this out after we’ve committed to being together? On the bright side, I may be willing to try some of the things that interest you, and when I do, I may find that I enjoy a lot of them ;)

You may choose to remain silent, believing you can do without these needs being met. Please don’t. It is extraordinarily unlikely you will always feel that way and, in fact, it is quite probable you will resent me later in life for being unable to do the things you desire.

You may think you can change me. It’s true I may change a little, but are you willing to risk our happiness on it without telling me the truth? If you’re not honest with me in the beginning, then it’s completely unfair to resent me because I am unable to become a totally different person later on.

Yes, when you tell me, I might end it. Maybe you’ll end it. Maybe we’ll go on together. Whatever happens, an honest discussion of needs and wants is our only chance for long term happiness.

So what do you think about this? Were you open with your partner at first or later on?

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I miss this next door neighbor milf

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