coastrockqueen-blog

[coastrockqueen-blog]

January

There are many things that people don’t realize about their fellow human beings. Everyone is guilty at times of being so consumed with their own problems that they don’t notice when someone else, even in their immediate circle, is in need or in pain. I, myself, have been guilty of this at times. I felt my pain or struggles were so unbearable that I couldn’t look past my own bubble to help a friend or family member who were practically begging me to notice. I truly am a loving person, but I can appear cold so much of the time. Let me give you a little bit of my background. Ever since I was a little girl I was very different from other kids. I was able to make friends and play just as everyone else, but there was darkness in me and it made me feel ashamed. Whenever I would express my feelings to my mother she would trivialize it as if it was just a phase or that I was being ridiculous. My mother didn’t do this out of lack of concern, but more because she really didn’t know much about mental illnesses and how some can present very early in childhood. I’m an 80’s baby and there weren’t a whole lot of discussions about that kind of stuff back then. It’s very easy to cast a person off as simply crazy when their actions and emotions aren’t what you’ve grown up to believe is normal. I’m grateful for my children that we are now in a time where there is more understanding and medical help without hardly any shame. It’s almost unheard of these days to not know someone who either has or knows a person with a mental illness. That is very comforting, now, but it wasn’t always that way. The people who have struggled with depression, anxiety or any other multitude of illnesses were not always able to reach out for help. In some ways there is still a stigma when it comes to those illnesses, but it has become easier to talk about. My diagnosis of any type of mental disorder came at a very early age. I was 13 and my regular doctor, the one you go to for physicals, shots and stuff, told my mother that I was manic depressive. I didn’t know what that meant and my mother thought he was a quack. I didn’t go back to that doctor again. I will get more into other diagnosis in future blogs, but for now I just wanted to give a little bit of background so you might understand where things are coming from. The gist of what I’m saying is that I do have illnesses and they affect my daily life. In saying that, I want to acknowledge that I know I am not alone, but it is extremely hard to see through my own bullshit at times. I am getting better. I am working towards making a conscience effort to check on people who I normally would take for granted are fine. I have, and I know a lot of others, a tendency to create a bubble of my own space where only the people I interact with every single day are the ones that I worry about. I have realized this is so very wrong! Not only are you failing to be a friend to someone who may need you, but you’re also doing a huge disservice to yourself. You see, we can’t, as human beings, isolate ourselves from the world and expect the world to then turn around and help us. We have to push aside our own insecurities and face the rejections that awIt us. No one wants to be hurt or let down, but that’s part of being human. We need to be let down and fail in order to grow. I plan on using this blog as a journal of sorts, but also as a way to allow those that I have kept so much in the dark to see into my world. I’m going to strip away my protection and give myself to everyone in the best way I can. I think this is something I need and also I am hoping someone else out there may find comfort in my struggles. Writing has always been something I love that helps, but now instead of just putting my words back into a box I’m going to let the world in. This year I am very hopeful I can get back to good. I won’t ever be fixed, but if I can glue the pieces back in some places, maybe use some duct tape and bandaids, I can move forward. The last two years have held so many ups and downs that I won’t allow this year to be anything but great. It is going to be amazing!! I have an amazing band with amazing people, but we’ve had our struggles this past year as well. We’ve had a lot of changes, but we are stronger and more determined than ever. There are great opportunities on the horizon and we’re going to grab each one by the balls. Teamwork, communication and absolute brutal honesty are what we’ve learned must go into this. We’ve made mistakes in the past and, I personally, regret some of those. Now we move forward. I'm organizing my priorities where they should be. Life can tend to stress us to a level that we can't see which way is up, but I'm going to hold myself more accountable for the stresses I allow in my life. Happiness isn't always a choice, but you can always cut away the negative in order to allow happiness to shine through. What are some of the things that you think will help me stay positive? When the world itself is so negative at times how do we cope? Give me some ideas of what you would like me to talk about in future posts. I'm willing to be an open book! Keep Rocking and Love hard!! Till next time, Amanda Marie