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[claudiac33]

POSTING ABOUT OUR ADVENTURES

It has continued to be such an interesting day. It is like every hour my mood changes. I can definitely tell that I am out of balance emotionally, but I can also tell that this is my mind’s way of coping with the unknown. 

I have been thinking about what made my “relationship” with him become such an emotional attachment for me. Wondering if perhaps it has to do with me sharing with him all about my day. It felt so personal to me, but maybe not so much to him since he wasn’t sharing anything back. 

So I decided to experiment a little bit with my emotions and post more on social media, particularly IG. All about our adventures, trips. I even added some old stories to my IG highlights today. 

Hoping to see something positive come out of this experiment of sharing with the world our family adventures. Maybe that creative outlet will help me cope with my unbalanced emotions of having to go cold turkey on this with him. 

At least I am hoping for that. Also hoping for some more clarity as the days go by and March approaches us. 

[claudiac33]

WHAT A DAY!

Some days hit me harder than others. Today has been a particular hard day full of so many different emotions and realizations. Of course, nothing hits me like the thought that it is over!

I talked to Kay today like we get to do every day after 4 pm. She sounded a lot better and that is great. However, I realize that she will come home and I am not ready emotionally to be her rock. 

It’s the weirdest thing... but in a sense, her being where she is at right now is helping me cope with my own hot mess. More than coping, I would say that it’s helping me face the pain by myself. I honestly don’t know what to believe when it comes to what is the truth about all of this. 

Part of me feels like he was there for a couple of years for sure. Maybe not so much after the divorce finalized. I am still in pure hell about what to make of these past 7 years. 

It hurts to remember the days in which I would see him. To remember the way he would look at me sometimes. The sacrifices that perhaps he has made for this. 

It seemed so obvious that he was making all of those changes for us. Right now, I really don’t know what to believe. 

It even feels that I am blabbering as I feel all of it so deeply. 

[claudiac33]

FREE THERAPY

I find it interesting how healing it can be to read your own words from the past. I have been documenting some of my feelings I go through this new chapter on my own and I can say this much... reading my own words helps me tremendously. 

Perhaps that is why my other blog felt so personal. You are sharing a piece of you with whoever is reading. 

I had some thoughts this morning about my journey with this whole thing. I got answers that I guess I can say I can relate to, even if some part of me wishes that was not the actual answer I got. 

It’s an interesting state of mind for sure. On one side you want with all of your heart for that story to be true because that would mean that you aren’t crazy, that you didn’t just go 7 years of your life wasting time. But then on the other side, you also wish that story wasn’t true, because this means that you will always think about what just happened and not be able to simply close it as yet another chapter in your life. 

Even as I type... I am spacing out right now. Because things make sense and yet they don’t. What just happened to my life. 

I was cleaning my closet to put in the cubbies for my shoes. I went through my candle stash and there are a few candles that take me right to those evenings at the other place, where I had just showered and a candle would be burning downstairs. I would go make some green tea and get ready to chat with him in the quiet living room or quiet bedroom with dimmed lights and all. 

I loved every single part of those evenings. It was relaxing, it was fun to look forward to speaking with him. And yet... I know with all of my heart that I wouldn’t want to be stuck where I was back then. 

That is what makes it so interesting. How much those memories hurt because they were so good, and yet if given the opportunity, I would never want to relive them. 

Ash asked earlier today that if I had the opportunity to go back in time... where would I go? Hmmm... I couldn’t come up with a single date that I would want to relive. 

At first I thought that maybe I would want to go back to a day in which I could fix things between him and I. I thought about earlier last summer and yet I knew immediately that I wouldn’t want to go back to those dates. I thought about going back to 2015, and same... I couldn’t quite find a day that I would want to relive. 

Which I guess is the greatest gift that I can give myself right now. Reassurance that I don’t want to remain stagnant regardless of how much things suck right now. 

I can only hope that sooner or later I will find more answers to this puzzle. Right at this moment I don’t really know how I feel about everything. Answers to my prayers say one thing... reality says something different. 

It makes me question my own sanity. I keep praying for exact clarity and this continues to be the answer.  How can that be!?

[claudiac33]

TIME TO WRITE A NEW STORY

I have been cleaning all morning. I already posted earlier today, but I have a feeling that the next little bit will be like this... having to get things off my chest quite often. 

Some of the thoughts that I had a minute ago is that every story that I has felt so personal for past 7 years has been attached to a hope for him to be in my life. 

So that means that I must rewrite a story now. Not because I wish I could just erase everything, but because the way things worked out with him basically approaching me as a stranger have left me wondering what was real. 

So the only option on the table is to write a brand new story. One where I am the only protagonist. No expectations for anyone else but my own goals. 

It has been hard knowing that I perhaps will never find closure to that chapter of my life. As my own daughter said... “I think you will learn to live with this and reach a happier point in your life, but I don’t think you will ever fully move on.”

That sounds so discouraging when I put it that way, but I think that it is the truth. Closure can only come when you know something existed for real. It wasn’t all in your head. 

Maybe it all was in my head. But that would also mean that I was directing the story to where I wanted it to go. A point in my life where I could learn from my own mistakes. 

It’s hard to reason with all of the thoughts flowing around my mind right now. 

One thing is for sure though... I can and will write a brand new story. One focused on me and on the kids. 

I purged my IG account today. I removed posts that were irrelevant to where we are in life. Those will stay in the hidden libraries of my phone albums, instead of out there, where anyone and everyone can ask questions at any time. Questions that I am not ready to answer. 

All in all... I feel grateful that I get to move on. It’s not the way I expected it to go, but it’s the way in which I get to grow and focus on myself. That in itself is winning. 

Life will go on...

[claudiac33]

YOUR HEART IS PRECIOUS AND YOUR LOVE IS PRICELESS...

Words shared by a friend that I hope to keep close to my heart from this point on. 

Your heart is precious, and your love is priceless.

Give them to someone who will honor, adore, and cherish you no matter what. 

Someone who doesn’t care about the weight that you’ve gained because they are so focused on the size of your heart. 

Someone who doesn’t notice the deepening wrinkles around your eyes because they are constantly looking for ways to make you smile.

Someone who doesn’t mind your broken-out skin because they are more interested in the state of your soul. 

Someone who somehow knows the desires you never even speak of and answers the questions you haven’t even asked yet. 

Someone who will not just dress up for a date night, but will get down and dirty in the trenches of daily life. 

Someone who believes in your dreams, and then rolls up their own sleeves to help you build them. 

Someone who sees you as a queen and respects you as a warrior. 

Someone who chooses to still think the best of you even when you are at your worst, and who looks at you every day as if you are the most beautiful person they have ever seen. 

True love is rare, but it is real. And it is worth waiting for, praying for and fighting for. 

What a beautiful though for me to ponder over this morning. It has been a very strange weekend. I can internally observe of my strength and yet I can also acknowledge the pain. 

He messaged me on Thursday night. Acted like we are strangers to each other and told me he is seeing someone else. He did it the day before Valentine’s Day weekend would start. As if I was supposed to suffer and think of him on that weekend. 

I will admit that it did left me a little shaken emotionally, but not as bruised as I thought it would be. Somehow I have to thank him for being brutal with me every single Valentine’s Day. I don’t have any memories attached to him, so that helped me this weekend. 

I am still trying to put the puzzle together, not because of him, but because I am trying to find the closure that I need to move on. 

I am learning so much more on photography and video and this is keeping me excited about life. I have plans of enjoying life with the kids and traveling a lot. 

I have much to learn and still a long ways to go before I can let go of this. I recognize and acknowledge this. It doesn’t bother me. The lessons that I am getting out of it I am sure will serve me well in the future. 

I can already see a more mature side of me. One that understands things at a different level when it comes to relationships vs partnerships. 

I can understand today that I was never given clear communication enough for me to be able to open up and discuss. I can blame myself all I want for the things that I didn’t do right, but at the end of the day there are only two truths out there. 

One... maybe he was never there (Which I highly doubt). 

Two... He was unfair and expected me to understand his poor executed emotional cues without ever validating my feelings and allowing for both of us to communicate and understand each other better. 

[claudiac33]

STILL VERY HARD TO DO

Each and every day is a challenge with everything that has been going on in our lives. 

I was talking with a friend this morning and I told her that what I am facing at the moment between Kay’s health, my broken heart, super busy work and trying to build my own business sure feels like pure hell! No family makes it all so lonely. 

Not being able to speak clearly about him makes it all so incredibly hard. 

I saw him on Thursday. The kids and I were driving home from Kay’s appointment and he was again right next to us on our left side. He was with a girl. I didn’t look his way, Kay did. 

My mind still goes there. Wondering if he is doing all of this because he is angry. It’s very odd that I have run into him quite often as of lately. I’ve driven through that street all year long on my way back from work and I never ran into him before as often as I have lately. 

Either way, I am really trying my hardest to rationalize his behavior. No matter where he is at emotionally, his behavior is not the behavior I want to find in a partner. Revengeful, unwilling to communicate, poor cues that he expects me to understand, will go to other women if he is upset. Most definitely not what I want to find in a romantic partner.  I am definitely reminding myself that every day. 

I am working hard on building the website and IG account. I was given a couple of days off from work to deal with Kay’s issues. I feel so drained and tired emotionally and physically, but at the very least I feel that we were able to figure out a plan for her. I certainly hope that it will work. 

It’s hard to be left with all the responsibility, but I know that when we make it through all of this, it will have made us all stronger and more united for it. 

Life has certainly been interesting in the last year/few months, and yet, I feel this tremendous growth that I can’t even explain. 

I only hope to be able to navigate my emotions a little easier than I have so far. A year from now we may find ourselves in a completely different place. 

[claudiac33]

NOW FOR THE THOUGHTS ON TONIGHT!

Well... things are definitely different from the day in which I wrote my last though. 

I have answer now. Not the answers I wished for, but answers nonetheless. 

I found him on a dating app. It was all so sudden that I didn’t get a chance to process how I felt. I remember the instant shock that vanished right away. It turned into action and I deleted every single one of my posts on the blog. 

I deleted my request on IG, I was done for that instant. And then as expected, it all hit me again. Except it was in a very unexpected way. 

I had randomly swiped up on him on that Sunday and he swiped up on me on Friday. For an instant I found myself in disbelief. As if I could finally scream that I knew he was there all along. I quickly wrote to him our usual... “Hey!”

Only to find myself disappointed again as he didn’t say a single word. I waited to confirm my account with the hope that maybe that’s what it was stopping him from speaking with me, and wrote to him again. 

He read it right away but no answer. So in a sense, there was one answer, and it was not what I hoped for. 

Something weird happened where he switched his location to SS, but I am no longer holding my breath over that. 

I am little by little realizing that I can’t spend the rest of my life trying to read his poorly executed cues. I deserve better than someone that doesn’t have the balls to approach me like a real person and communicate. Whether he was ever there or not. 

It’s taking me a lot of rationalizing to be able to weight in my worth into everything that I am observing that is him. It’s not easy given the fact that I waited for him for 7 long years. It’s not easy as I know that I kept myself without ever dating, hoping, wanting for this to happen. But I rationalize things by knowing that I also grew in the process, so I should not regret anything. 

I was and continue to be the person who put effort into this. The stories shared with him were about me and not about him. The inevitable growth happened and it wasn’t because of him. So... no, I do not get to regret the time I waited. It wasn’t wasted time, it was much needed time to grow and reflect on who I am. 

I still miss him, I still wish it would happen. But every day a little less. 

[claudiac33]

SOME DAYS ARE HARD!

I wrote this the other day and didn’t save it. I wanted to post it to not forget how I felt...

I’m sitting here working and it’s already been a hard day. Honestly, it doesn’t matter how much I want to forget about the past few years. Some days they hit me like a tsunami.

I live in a different place, different city, my life is far from what it used to be even a year ago. And yet... those memories haunt me like if they were meant to be my own personal hell for the rest of my life.

Sometimes it’s even just the feel of the day. The way the sun is hitting something. So many reminders of those days in 2014/2015.

I am honestly so tired of going through that. I count my blessings for having moved, because otherwise, it would be impossible to forget those days.

I still don’t know what to expect. I don’t know what to hold onto. Many days I feel that it either already died a long time ago and I just didn’t see it. Or it is dying now day by day a little more.

It is the most confusing thing in the world. Because I have tried to hold onto as long as I can, keeping in mind that I don’t see with much clarity. But maybe there is nothing to see. Maybe I should understand that the simple fact that he is not giving more means that I shouldn’t settle for this little knowledge of what is going on.

The flood of memories is certainly never fun. And even when sometimes I have moments of clarity, moments in which I know that I don’t want to be where I once were. Some days are so hard to erase all of those memories.

I was thinking a minute ago about being at our other place and many times wishing that we could move. We did, things are different and in a completely different place. Things are better in so many aspects, even if they are weird in others. But the feelings I had back then continue to exist within me.

[claudiac33]

FEELING EMPTY!

Well... I guess I spoke too soon about the medication working. It has been a hellish few days for so many reasons. But mainly because Kaylynn is not doing good and I can’t but to feel so stressed out and so empty and meh about the holiday season. 

It is the weirdest thing, but even though I feel empty, I also feel that things will be okay. Which I guess gives me some hope. 

Usually I have some distraction during the holiday season that helps me cope with my feelings of inadequacy in regards to Jason. But this year is just pure HELL!!!

I can only hope that at some point things will settle and I will be able to find some peace to my madness. 

I have been working hard on both, my job, as well as on building my food website. I’ve had to make some changes since my current host is lacking some features I need, to make my life easier. 

So I am transferring everything to a different host, hoping that this will allow me to have a more put together website. 

One very positive note about this holiday season is that although things are falling apart with family life and relationships, things are great with work related stuff and I am seeing progress when it comes to things falling into place to make food photography a reality for me. 

I was able to order a new camera this past week and I also ordered some equipment to start working on my studio set up. 

It’s a weird time for sure. Things seem hard and falling apart in our family, yet, I am so seeing opportunities opening up for career success. 

I know that I just need to work hard and give it my all, and it WILL SUCCEED! 

So I guess in a sense, I am excited about that part. 

[claudiac33]

SIMPLIFYING...

Today I made it my mission to declutter and put up for sale some furniture. I realize how much I dislike too much furniture in our place. I am a minimalist at heart and could recognize that even more today as I removed some furniture and listed it for sale. 

It brings me an inexplicable joy to have a quiet, somewhat empty space. I dim the lights and sit down in the living room every night, just staring at the Christmas tree and our fun faux fireplace. 

Although I still feel a little restless, today was again a somewhat good day. I had to work from home because I wasn’t going to be able to make it home in time to trade Kay.  Ashton has to quarantine until next Tuesday and she couldn’t take him to work like she usually does, so I worked from home once again. 

One very positive thing is that It was fun seeing her get ready and apply her make up on. She looked like herself again and I realize how much I have missed those days. 

Her medication seems to be working great for her and I am so glad. I’ll admit that I fought hard and long to keep her from taking medication, but seeing her be back to being herself has converted me somehow. 

I still don’t believe in medication as a long term solution, but I am realizing that sometimes people need a little help to get out of the hole. I am definitely grateful for that option. 

When it comes to my emotions, I have felt okay, back to being on auto pilot. The things I mentioned above made my day a little more bearable when it comes to my own emotions. The holidays have always been a hard time for me because I always feel like another year of waiting and things not getting anywhere between us. 

Work is great, I am getting my kids to a healthier place, but this continues to be the one thing that feels stagnant. At times I have felt tempted to at least give myself the opportunity to move on.... But as they say... the heart wants what it wants. 

It’s so interesting at times, because tonight as I find myself in my quiet living room... Things cleared out, which always clear my mind... I feel at peace. But missing him is the story of my life. Wishing so much that we were here, talking and holding each other. And yet that seems like such a far away reality. 

[claudiac33]

Flashbacks...

Today has been another interesting day. I worked from home because Ashton was exposed to someone who tested positive for Covid. Which meant that we had to quarantine for a few days. 

I kept roaming from room to room in this small condo because I was feeling a little restless. I kept having flashbacks from moments in the past at our old place. Particularly days that felt happy having conversations with him. 

The truth is that when I think about it, the reality is that every year has had it’s hard and challenging moments. Even 2015, which is a year I treasure in my heart, as this is the year in which I officially started chatting with him. 

I am so aware that although I miss those days, I also don’t wish to be back reliving those years. I have come to the understanding that my days will continue to feel blue no matter where I am so long as I continue to do this with him. 

Currently I am in a very interesting spot with my emotions. I feel that I am aware that this may never go anywhere, but also there is a side of me that still sees a pattern for things to work out. And I am not saying this because I’m delusional and refuse to acknowledge the truth. I actually do feel that there is a big chance that there is so much that I haven’t understood about how he does things, and also my behavior in this. Now, whether he will make that decision or not to move forward with this, that’s a different story. I am aware of that too. 

I feel that one important piece to this puzzle is that I too don’t feel ready for this to start quite yet. 2020 has been a very rough year for the kids and I. Kaylynn’s health has taken a toll on all of us and today for the first time, I thought I saw a little light at the end of the tunnel. 

I certainly hope that we will start to see some progress with her health. That is one thing that keeps me worried and unable to truly feel that I can start a relationship at this moment. 

So I definitely know that it is not all on him. I have done my share of things to sabotage a possible encounter between the two of us. 

I go through moments in which my focus on him disappears and I seem to be on auto pilot. And not to say that my feelings for him disappear, but there is a part of me that goes into beast mode getting everything done that I need to work on, and that gives me an escape from the days in which I feel so homesick for him. 

Even earlier as I was feeling restless. Ashton was doing some homework on the computer. I felt like I needed some time to myself. I asked him to go put his pj’s on and to get ready for bed although it was early. 

And at some point that beast mode switched on and I instead asked if he wanted to decorate the Christmas tree. We both worked on it and it was actually enjoyable. These are the moments that give me a little bit of escape from feeling restless and anxious, missing the old days so much. 

I still wanted to come talk. I feel that I have much to work on and it’s important for me to release some of my frustrations somewhere. Specially because there isn’t anyone out there that I can speak with. 

I feel that every time I end up having a conversation with him, as of lately, I explode and metaphorically speaking “puke” all of my frustrations on him out of not having been able to release all of my blueness and frustration for how things are between us. 

I’ve also been worried about my health. Although I am aware that what I am experiencing, I have before. And that it could potentially mean that I am yet again, extremely stressed out. 

Even with all that I am dealing with at the moment, there is still a side of me that is still hopeful for things to work out in the way I have expected them to. I am keeping myself realistic... but also still hopeful!

[claudiac33]

CHANGES

Today is one of those days that feel very blue and confused. Things have changed so much in the last year, which somehow I had managed to get through.  

Today however, it is really hitting me where I am at this point. Missing so much of what used to be. I don’t mean the feeling of being stagnant, but there is something that I miss and I can’t quite pin point my finger to it. 

In today’s world my life is definitely more complex with so many hats to wear, but in a sense it is also easier. Financially speaking, I don’t have as many worries. I am getting to experience things that I never thought I would experience. 

Today I went to lunch with my bosses, a couple of the other paralegals and one of the other attorneys. It was quite a good lunch filled with fun conversation. For a moment the thought crossed my mind of how much my life has changed even this year. You can say that every day I feel even more fortunate. 

And yet, I still miss those first days of 2015 in which I used to have daily conversations with him. Now when I look back, even those memories are tarnished with not really knowing what was truly him and what wasn’t. 

My heart is on fire right now with so many unanswered questions. How in the world does one move on from sharing so much of your emotions for over 5 years.  Can you truly escape that reality and try to find a new one when you no longer know where you stand? That is the million dollar question. 

Some days are so confusing that it feels that I have so much to say and I’m about to explode, yet when I start trying to address the problem I feel so overwhelmed that I no longer want to discuss it. 

My memories are haunting me right now. I have this particular memory in my head of back in early 2015 and the many late afternoons during that particular time that looked and felt the same. 

I would shower, make some tea and then I would dim down the lights and come sit down and talk with him. I would share with him a lot of things I wanted to get to do. Some conversations would be random and others would be more realistic and focused. Yet, it was the feeling of someone sharing that moment with me somewhere within a few miles ratio. 

Right now nothing feels the same way. In a way, I liked being that oblivious kind of innocent girl who chose to believe that someone was reading on the other side. 

I’m such a different person today from that girl that would sit on that couch and have conversations with him.  It makes me feel both, confused and at the same time proud that I’m no longer that person and that I have made the necessary changes to not be that same person. 

But one thing continues to feel the same... I wish I were with him and had the opportunity to have gotten to know him. It’s hard when you find yourself wondering that would of. 

[claudiac33]

HEY! 

Let’s try this and see how it works. Hopefully I will be able to see you here!