cj2009cj

[cj2009cj]

Don’t think so much... You’ll end up having done nothing If you don’t start somewhere. Have fun with life.. this shit isn’t given to just anyone. There’s a reason to be here. Keep searching for those feelings you want to never stop. I confess.. after the weeds done I always don’t want to express just how a new void had been emptied. And it’s not that I get like that for the sake of weed, its a habit and mental I must break. Soon to be broken... with all the times It’s been spoken into existence. Bitch you thirsty, calm it and establish worth. Establish attraction to self. It’ll end in the best of pleasure. Never do that again, that submission — That settlement. You’ve got assets and brain, more than any hoe could be trained for. Never beg for it. You could goto the movies... or hangout.. fix a new device or just skateboard around the town... you can’t define what means something to you and draw the lines of where and when it’s useful for you. Your mind keeps telling you to keep things at bay and make choices carefully yet you never decide. Assert your aggression! You toss around this idea of power through knowledge and poise yet you carpeted yourself as Lead Doormat for the world above and around you. You’re not playing Cliff prior to love. He’d get it done and care for little to none... keep your heart but balance that demeanor with a subtle administrative impression. Balance consideration for others with respect for self and need to be understood rather than heard. Be concise and feel less need to explain everything for the benefit of clear understanding. What is meant to be understood will be questioned. Let them go... Draw your lines and keep them. Playing with emotions all the time... make up your mind and stop acting blind to the good and bad. Save your love for you. You’ve made some of the best mistakes that led to a wealth of knowledge and love. Waste of time... waste of feel... waste ... Save your love It’s powerful and precious. And your deserve to feel it for once. Let’s talk about it. Your going to get yourself well or end up dead early and in hell. But you’re here for you. It’s sad you don’t have many external forces of help but that’s why you’re built above average. You have to bite the bullet for brighter more confident days... another mental wall. Unfavorable as hell — You’re going to wash away in time. Don’t let the illusion of life go, chakra... read up. It feels good learning about it, you feel it , yet? You’re overdue for a cleanse of all sorts... Let all of your hair down and put all of your weight into the picture. You’ll understand yourself before another — so fear not — TRUST THE PROCESS Reach out... they’re as close as it gets to who knows your history and the things you can’t recall, the things that are beyond that mental wall. The historical log is far from perfect in my blood line... but we’re all divine and going through this life.. through time... in different places showing the world our graces and paces with love, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. You said what you want you can attain. Don’t let yourself drown... don’t make yourself out to be the clown... and don’t make having weed been the only reason you got outta town. Please actually plan accordingly and dedicate your energy to yourself. Return an investment on yourself, your time, and your minds energy strain. You should be here for yourself. Be proud —how’s the view now? Windows became big didn’t it , Tell me how you like all that space? I should have been gone months before... but right now I ain’t even focused on what would or coulda been. But if i could get out of retail • that’ll be great. I feel like the boy at the store who’s been there too long, can’t clock out. Never had jobs that weren’t manual labor... never a job where 5 Hours doesn’t turn to 10... You deserve better, the quality of your work is to too high of a caliber to have been thrown around on a schedule by a whim of desire. You deserve to know what to expect if expecting anything at all. — Talk about your dreams and plans for success. USE YOUR PLATFORMS. Freelance... Publish your writings, they’re golden. They’re here now but soon they’ll be stolen.

[cj2009cj]

The Story Of Right Now (May 27th 2018)

What am I sorry for?

First of all I’m sorry for playing with hearts. That hurts me the most about this mind of mine. Sometimes it’s manipulation.. sometimes just for the stimulation. Best to go with each situation.

Fuck all my bosses, but sorry carol. Others deserved to hear that— especially Karen, who I spared. I ain’t thinking about you in particular — Sorry to the ones who tried to get me further.. it’s exactly what I get for interrupting my progress.

Sorry for misplaced anger, shits not me.

Damn, I’m sorry to the dogs. Looking at my watch I see a dog on...

I left ya’ll to fend in the hands of several strangers & I had more control of over that than I took. God damn, We raised all of them and worked for the title of pet lover. They’re family. They’ll always be.

I wish I walked ya’ll more. Took the time to understand the blessing. I’ll find ya’ll — but will I just break your hearts when I leave? I’d walk ya’ll from Monday to Friday

& Friday to Sunday — you’d comfort me in my sleepless nights. Be my excuse out at any hour. I just miss it. Bold faced through it , there’s pain from your absence. There’s consistency in your existence. Always excited to see me, Damn.. you’ll always call back great memories to me. Come back... .. .

I’m sorry to my family & friends who can’t tell when I care. That’s your own problem to bare. To be fair I care where I care, when I care for what I care to care for, and i’m very care free. So for that and my desire to stick to my ways , I’m sorry.

But not sorry enough to change unless I care to.

Shit.. You ever thought this life was a bitch... I did. I’d swear my life wasnt shit.

Bitter niggas who doubted me. Always walked around with a frown on saying everything was wrong. How could I feel living with no love in a over crowded home. Ditched all of the repetitive arguments with my family because they can’t understand me. I was 14 and fuckin sad and alone. Chasing wrongs, searching for care in others ...online & in face— respect is on the line. Seeking my own expression. My own confessions... just an ear to hear... just a call to make before my eye could detach a tear.

I’m sorry to myself.. I deserve the world & now it’s mine for the taking.

[cj2009cj]

The Story Of Right Now 5/14/18

I’ve never felt more Alive or Accountable in my entire life.

I can feel again & I won’t be numb again.

The past made me who I am & I can heal again... I need to get right.

My hearts on my side... I told myself that I am a culmination of all experiences ...

I told myself I’m worth it a million times over. Just don’t be dumb again.

You can’t mess this up, it’s all your touch.

I won’t be dumb again.. I’ll make sure I look at time and be on line, on track with it.

My heart is on my side.....

I’m able.. Just make sure it feels right. Intuition is everything.

I’m trying to take off and change up my mind while enjoying my time.

Just make up my mind - My hearts on my side, I ain’t ready to die - Ready to touch the sky but no, not ready to die.

That’s it & I’m tired of it — I won’t tell myself another lie. I’d rather die than continue living in disguise.

You’re able... you can use your abilities to live stable. Don’t get sad about shit you’ve been down and out about since before you got kicked out.

There’s no more not knowing your worth...

at the end of the day you’re on this earth & you come first.

Separated , You gotta rejoin, reconnect. You’ve lost a side of self. Duplex In the membrane. Living life’s a chore, so save all your money. With it all is yours —

Thinking about that wouldn’t be —- productive to heart when it shouldn’t be.

[cj2009cj]

Color 4

[cj2009cj]

Morning insight

Feel the beauty in nature and the world. People can be so nasty and darn disgusting.. But we're all fragile, sensitive, and a part of the world. In that unique fact about us.. We're Also beautiful in a sense. We manifest so much.. There's really an overwhelming amount we can and should take out of every moment we spend breathing. Those moments we live in.. There celebrate being here, and for those who are no longer here with us, near or far.. Or up above in the clouds a-far.Wonderful isnt it, how we keep going.. We don't stop. We take hits. We are strong and resilient. We are focused. We have goals, we meet them, we miss them, we forget them. We are of infinite possibility. We are human. And in that, .. We are awesome.

[cj2009cj]

Nerves

All things above me have already crash landed or have been lost in time without a mention.Connections aren't exactly the same.Truth is overpowered by Ego.Truth is on the table. Truth awaits in this fable.You can't let this get away. Don't let this slip away. I feel the distance.Your cards are out. Choose wisely.I know, there are a lot of painful realizations. A lot to correct.Your pain follows and you know it.It's so close you can feel the hair on your neck stand. Sad part is, You're too caught up in your own world to notice.You're on a self destructive course.The outline is set. The cast has been met. You've let things go. Changed things that have been worked so hard to get.Life's a task. Please don't press snooze.Realize.Calm your nerves.Do.Grow.Love.Pain experienced is past. Break the ties. Don't be limited by your past.I can't shake this feeling— I can't say the words. But deep down you know your flaws.It hurts to scratch the surface to my own issues.It's as If I have a plot to dig, and a beach sand shovel toy. Overwhelmed and no longer willing to try.But there's more to it.You're not just reluctant,You're scared.Possibilities scare you. You think too much and cower behind the past.You've got some nerve. * "Knock, Knock, Knock.. I'm begging to you, let me in. " Why does that lyric speak to you?You've burned every bridge, such a shame. Bricks to a Glass House.Solid Looking, yet so Unstable.Your time. Time... has that not what it's always been about.Value it. Plan it. And enjoy it.— Just pick up the pieces.

[cj2009cj]

​We always concerned ourselves in this society with hiding sexuality... splitting it into two sections and I feel that same aspect will continue to be a dividing factor in our unity as humans. Color, politics, and religion already do that in such crazy ways... . Be happy because happiness gets harder to find as the world truly sets in.The kids understand none of those aspects, to create a mindset like that only holds progress back another generation. The internet thank god gives everyone their own free perspective or information.. the ability to take opinion into your own hands.. rather it be influenced from those around you.

[cj2009cj]

A Serious Talk W/Self

​You got me to think against you.You're your own co conspirator

Why do you make choices you know will hurt you.Is this revenge for the worlds hand of cards given to you? Or toward your disgraceful display of emotion and judgment from within for within.One way or another I'll love you, because these acts are more than structured- they're maniacal because your thoughts of right and wrong are there with you as you commit.I know there's light in you - don't let it dwindle by your decisions in this life. Its shared .I wish nothing but the best but the actions speak differently at times. Lately more so than ever.I'm aware. On and up from here.Please keep this word to yourself. Its deserved .On and up. ☝Cliff

[cj2009cj]

BTI

​Resentment...I am BITTER! I’ve always felt like the outcast. The uncared for... the forgotten.. the last.. the only one.Everything I have done to gain a little favor .. I feel my heart beating faster like your words are a taser.A chaser for the pain in my tears...So many stains left on my mental from all these years...

[cj2009cj]

Random Remembers

​I remember walking home from her house... going under light-posts and them going out as i passed from under. I noticed this and made certain mention of it, bushing it off as a joke. Times walking home from work high on my emotions would cause the same result. For that strange moment I let it pass.—Sometime 2014Again the same result of repetitious tendencies— years have past and I am working a steady job again as I did before in 2014. This time around I had seen a particular shiny blue jeep 🚙, over & over, and fucking over.Day by day. It almost drove me crazy how no matter what the circumstances were sometime in my day.. id see that same blue jeep.I would skateboard to work, BLUE JEEP! ... I would take the bus to work and ponder my phone & occasionally look out the window, BLUEE JEEEEP!I would avoid seeing it in the morning in places I had prior.. after working hanging with friend doing whatseverstheNylimit on the southie (Southern State HWY) and again looking at my phone since i’m not driving .. and there goes it, BLUEE JEEP! Again and again.Eventually that did come to an end, 2 months prior to my last day working & living that same life or routine.To say it was strange is an understatement. I don’t know what substance this has... just a strange thing.2016-2017

[cj2009cj]

I NEED

​I need to pack my things. I need to find the way. I need to see that light. I need to finally take flightI need to stay away. I need my heart and soul to be at bay. I need to accept the past. I need to act fast.I need to leave this "Home".I need to build my own. I need to establish a plan. I need to become my own man.I need to do this right. I need finish this fight. I need to reach new heights. I need ...I need to see the day that all the crap that surround me won't phase me so deeply, won't create a blaze of anger within my heart, won't live there and tear me apart.I need to find some hope because the future looks to be going down a painful slope.I need to accept these things.. and keep on moving. I just need to figure out where to start.You won't understand my words or the feeling behind them...but that's okay. Just know the the next time you see me, I've left this behind me. Just know I didnt do so blindly.

[cj2009cj]

letters to bae

​I trust in your ability to learn... to comply... to follow direction & Act in a position of leadership.This is your life.. your story. Let’s start writing it.The past has been a big thing for the both of us.. and as scarring as It has been we’ve got to be strong. I’ve always felt that my purpose was beyond me.. bigger than saving my family.. but for the world.I’m still discovering the finite details of my purpose — I know I am here to serve my people as a healer. A healer comes in many forms... I can follow many different avenues for my career but to fulfill my purpose — I feel as though I am to decode technology and its advantages/ advancements into simple terms to be understood universally. I have a way with words...I am good at seeking clarity and understanding things.I know these are my skills...to apply them in the real world in ways I can be a critical help to a situation is where I fit into place with being an honest technician.I relay information and want the best for EVERYONE.There is equality in my eyes and it’s a filter I’ve never known myself not to have. I’m sensitive — I feel on somewhat extreme levels. I feel for myself.. my history, and every single human living or dead & their story. I’ve always known this about myself & was judged for it, I shielded myself from my own expression of emotion for a very long time and it shows through my inability to keep up a smile.I’m growing out of this & am determined to not let any of lifes games stop me from living in my truth. I want you to become self aware on this level. We all have purpose. It’s what makes our heart beat steady and what fills us up with euphoria & happiness. A touch of humanity with everything I do.I won’t waiver from my purpose any longer by matching the worlds cold shoulder... THAT ISNT IN MY CHARACTER.I am still figuring it out. It’s okay to be confused but it’s not okay to be complacent — You’re the best person you know— you’re the only person you truly know. So put you first. The love that radiates from me must not go too far out in the sense that I cannot lose myself. I cannot lose my love of self.We’re both important.We both matter.Your life has purpose, if you don’t see the avenue you fit into — — — FUCKING CREATE IT !We’re of the new wave, we got this. You got this. I got this.I believe in your path & journey.I believe in your future.I believe in you.

[cj2009cj]

iPhone Notes

​1/20/18Yesterday was cool. Enjoyed my time.Not much to say on itBut today has JUST started.I feel pretty good. Lil hungry. Ready for today. Not much sappy emotion aside from a huge memory of love lost..guess it could be the new K.Michelle song I’ve been playing .1/22/18Yesterday was over-fucking-rated. 😂 I was exhausted to my max... A long day was an understatement. I’m tired.. still am. Back still hurts from all the days and tossing turning sleeps I’ve been getting...My mood is a bit more stable that was last week but still taking dips... I suppose I’m aware of my hurt and I’m accepting or neglecting it as it comes. What’s been on my mind is the seemingly unchanged amount of hate I have in my heart for some of those who’s title would assume they’re the closest in my life.Festering within & causing me to desire drastic changes.Considering starting that plan for a move to new state quite soon... New York can always be tricky getting anything off the ground with little support.Today is my day of indifference, I feel okay. Everything on my mind and so many options and decisions to make..Everything is up to me, as per usual.

[cj2009cj]

iPhone Notes

​1/18/18I’ve awaited this day. Final day of work for the week— Bae time— Relaxing in my home town.Relaxing is a top priority for these next few days I have to relax until Sunday comes for me.. I feel i’ve earned it.I feel handsome today, I took a detailed shower, I really should invest in a shower caddy for all the different products I use. I feel fresh and chocolate as fuck. A haircut is the next step. I’m changing and I know it. I think I’m finally healing from a horrid past. I feel free to feel. For once I feel support systems in my life.I never had your ideal mommy daddy situation to be the catch to my falls. There was no ground under me in my mind.I won’t make this dramatized — If i needed something It would have been provided given the budget & time expenditure. Emotionally I felt alone. I wouldn’t even feel comfortable going on Field trips growing up through elementary. Id try and save the money on my own and forge the signature. This shows the extent to my thinking of being a burden. Unsupported in ways deeper than the roof. I guess a lot of my damage stems from the glass house.Since leaving such toxic spaces both home and my old job location I find myself not needing to keep up a make believe existence with more pride and premise than actual truth.I’m running into people who’ve last seen me under circumstances where I was still bound to those toxic locations and they’re noticing the glow.. the happiness resonates from me these days. I smile more.. I SMILE. I never would be caught smiling... only over the last 4 years did I start truly smiling in photos because of my realization of fragility of life, time, and memories. I’m definitely not afraid of sadness but this happiness thing is really something else. I can understand a new layer of life... a layer that doesnt make me want to sleep endlessly.

[cj2009cj]

iPhone Notes

​1/17/18 - MorningAll the shit I do is boring. Struggle for it. For your comfort. Discomfort is latching close to me lately. Maybe its the impending doom on the horizon or my awareness to the facts I’m retracting. Getting too comfortable in what will always be my personal hell.My dreams are for sale.I can’t value them, so maybe someone else will. Ambition is far out of sight.I’m slipping — I feel it. I want an overhaul of space to sort myself out. Sort my cards. I think I lost half the deck while moving out.Trying for independence... but became of so co dependent.I’m a bit tired of being tired but more so than anything I’m tired of not having the respect I deserve. I think of the word “deserve” and I am not sure where I stand with deserving anything. Let’s just say karma has it’s kiss for me...I get to be human. I get to have my off days. I have my days where I am bursting with love and light to the darker days...and I have my days where I wanna paint the walls around me black and sulk.1/17/18 - Midday5:45pm and I’m feeling alright.I still have the same feelings I started with but my light is shining and I feel more myself. I can see constructive ideas flowing. I still don’t feel good in the position in my life and I know now that action will be needed before I make any major strides... but one thing that is on my chest is guilt. Again, Karma got it’s kiss for me for a reason.Life — How interesting. I’ll continue my honesty and expression.To those better days , ah man.

[cj2009cj]

iPhone Notes

​1/16/18 I feel messy. Today is the day I see things with a somewhat clear mind and in doing so I see just the nasty in myself and in my life. My hate is somewhere towards the life I lead. Can I let go and just relax ..should I dive deeper.. or do I want a part two ... hands up and defeated?My energy is so widespread, Youthful touch to it’s recharge.It’s ultimately time for a change of pace.Has much changed ? Have I changed?These questions are deeper than the surrounding environment can answer.You deserve the extra effort. Exerted now and proven worth it in due time.In ways I question my worthiness...not my worth .. but am I worthy?Trying not to look so heavy at the past ... My motivation, it’s slipping again.Sleep is doing something... too little yet too much? Right on the cusp.

[cj2009cj]

iPhone Notes

​1/11/18 I am in a better mood. Seeing things clearly and very aware of the same pains of yesterday. I’m excited.I have things to be excited about... not big things but to each their own.I’m happy— this feeling never lasts long but i’m glad to be in it now. I want some sun. To be outdoors while the weather is nice is my key goal today. With a work shift complete I have the Day entirely up to me. The future is very much mine & I can see that clearly today.I actually got out of bed ahead of my alarms & had no feeling of stayin in bed.. (well maybe 3 times at first) I’m proud of myself for owning up to many of my self promises... living in my own truth.The same sad songs don’t squeeze the same emotions from me right now and it’s only a definite factor of my mood. Everything isn’t perfect, don’t wanna even think that to be possible.. but this is my day and my day of perfection.