chronicstrength41

[chronicstrength41]

#cute #sassy #cat

[chronicstrength41]

Ending the stigma of drug use will save lives.

[chronicstrength41]

I❤️Warren. #lgbtqrightsarehumanrights

excuse me officer i would like to report a murder

[chronicstrength41]

How listening to my gut saved my life

I have been chronically ill for over 10 years now. I don’t even remember what it’s like to feel normal. I’ve come to terms with being in pain everyday and having to pay extra attention to everything I do. I’m lucky enough to have an excellent support system and for the most part my symptoms have been pretty predictable. But a few months ago, I experienced a new symptom. It was these severe cramps that were worse than anything I’ve ever felt. The pain was in my lower stomach but I could also feel it near my colon. I immediately had my husband bring me to the Emergency Room. They took an ultrasound, saw that I had a cyst and chalked it up to that. I’ve had cysts before and it never felt this bad but I took their word for it. A few days later, the pain was still there and I just knew in my gut that something was wrong. I went to my gynecologist and urgent care and the hospital almost every day after that. They all said the same thing.

After about two weeks of this, I went back to my gynecologist. My brother was getting married the following week and I wanted to have this figured it out before I had to travel out of state. I was told that if I wanted to have the cyst removed I could, but I didn’t need to. I wasn’t given a direction either way, just that it was up to me. If I did the surgery, it meant I may not be recovered in time for the wedding. And surgery could be an unnecessary risk. But if I didn’t get the surgery, my fallopian tube could twist and would be extremely painful. And If the cyst hemorrhaged while I was on the plane, I could develop blood clots and even die.

My husband and I decided I should go to the Hospital again. When I got there, I had another ultrasound. I must have been questioned 5 times if I was sure I wanted to do the surgery. And I wasn’t sure, I was freaking out. But doctors weren’t telling me what to do, it was completely left up to me. I was told it may take a few hours to a few days for there to be an operation room available. At the time, my parents were suppose to be driving to Maryland for the wedding. I encouraged them to go because it was just a cyst and i’d be fine.

The next thing I knew, a doctor came in and said they took a closer look at my left ovary. He said that it looked abnormal and told me that It looked like it may be cancer. He also said if they go in to operate, my ovary could rupture and the cancer would spread. And before I had time to think, I was rushed into an antiseptic shower, and taken into the operating room. At the time It was still just an exploratory laparoscopy to examine my ovary and remove a cyst. My body’s been through a lot, but this was the first time that I really felt like my fate was out of my hands. I’ve had a few surgeries before and I never minded them. They always turned out fine. But this time, I was terrified. While they were prepping me for surgery, my husband sat by my side. I told him I loved him with the fear that this was the last time I’d ever see him. Or that this was the beginning of a long and horrifying road.

Hours later, I woke up from surgery. All I felt was pain, I couldn’t think about anything else. I was given more medication than I’ve ever been on. It helped with the pain, but it made me so messed up that I didn’t know where I was and spent the entire night throwing up. It wasn’t until later that night that I was finally clear enough to understand what was happening. This was when I asked my husband how the surgery went. He told me they removed my ovary and fallopian tube. The doctors told him that my cyst had hemorrhaged. The blood clotted around my ovary and my ovary stuck to my bowels. After a while, my blood stopped clotting and my stomach filled with blood. This all had happen in those two weeks that I went back and fourth to the doctors and hospital, insisting something was wrong. All this happened, and it was not detected on the 5 ultrasounds I had.

And look, I’m not blaming the doctors, they discovered what is was and fixed it before it was too late. But if I didn’t listen to my gut, I wouldn’t be alive today. I am so grateful that it didn’t turn out to be cancer and that I am okay. But I lost two of my reproductive organs. Thats a big deal. I’m desperately trying to have a baby and although I can still technically get pregnant with only one set, it’s a lot more complicated now. And to top it all off, this whole ordeal must have cost at least $1,000 and that’s with having insurance. I know this is an extremely specific experience, but I have to imagine there are others like me who were dismissed when they stressed that they knew something was wrong, only to have been right along. And it’s not that I care about proving anyone right or wrong, I just want to stay alive.

[chronicstrength41]

How do you keep faith after multiple miscarriages?

This morning, I woke up at 7:00am but was disappointed to already be starting my day. I was really hoping I would just sleep through most of it, so I could avoid dealing with the next 24 hours.

On Saturday I found out I was pregnant, again. I was so happy and immediately told a few people .On Monday, my fertility doctor sent me in to do bloodwork. Everything looked good, but they wanted to monitor my HCG levels every 48 hours because of my history with miscarriages.

On Wednesday, I was told my HCG level only went up 7 points when it should have gone up by 70. The nurse called to say she was sorry, but this looks like another abnormal pregnancy.

When I hung up the phone, I fell to my knees. I laid on the floor and cried as hard as I could until my husband helped me calm down. I just kept thinking, why did I let myself get excited again? I had only been pregnant for a few days and I already downloaded every pregnancy app available. I even bought maternity leggings. I desperately wanted this time to be different. I started praying and meditating everyday to calm my anxiety about things going wrong. I wanted so badly to believe this time was it.

I ended up going to the hospital after she called. The last time I miscarried, everything went wrong and I ended up losing my left ovary and fallopian tube. This time around, I didn’t want to take any chances. I was scared that it could be ectopic and that my fallopian tube could be at risk. They did an ultrasound but couldn’t see anything, and told me to come back in two days to repeat my HCG levels. But they never used the word miscarriage. They sent me home with a packet about abdominal pain during pregnancy which seemed pretty unrelated to why I was there. I really didn’t have much pain and I haven’t even started bleeding. But my HCG levels raised too slow for things to be normal.

This happened yesterday. Tomorrow, I’ll go repeat my bloodwork to get more information. But today, I’m just crawling out of my skin with anxiety. If I had already started to miscarry, I would cuddle up in bed with a bottle of wine and cry until I’m numb. Maybe do that for a few days, but then I would pick myself up and prepare to try again. If I was told things were abnormal, but there’s still a chance this could happen, then I would pray and stay positive. But for now, I’m in this awful limbo where I just need to wait and see what happens.

And what happens after tomorrow? How many times can I put myself through this? Yeah, its great that I’m ovulating but why can’t my body hold a pregnancy? Luckily I live in a state where infertility treatments are covered by my health insurance but if I’m able to get pregnant, can they even help?

I know there’s many other women out there struggling with similar experiences. I’d love to know any tips or tricks you may have for persevering and having faith. Is there a good quote or article or prayer that keeps you going? Maybe a comforting routine that helps you grieve. I’d love to hear any advice or experiences that you’d like to share. Sending love and hope to all of you.

[chronicstrength41]

My interpretation of Taylor Swift’s new song

Taylor Swift recently came out with a new album called Lover. The whole album is great but there’s one song in particular that stopped me in my tracks. “Soon you’ll get better” is about her mother’s struggle with cancer. It’s so beautiful and sad and you can really feel Taylor’s emotions through the song. The song made me think about myself and my own health journey. As a person with fibromyalgia, migraines, anxiety, etc., I have known doctors and hospitals pretty well over the last 10 years. I handle needles like a champ and always sit still in an MRI machine. I’m always suffering but I’m always “fine”. These things will never kill me, they’ll just be in my way.

But recently things have changed a little. In April, I had my first experience with a doctor questioning a large mass on my ovary to be cancer. It was the first time I felt like my health was not in my control anymore. The doctor said if it was cancer and they go in to remove it, it could rupture and spread. I was very blessed to have it turned out to be a hemoragic cyst. But unfortunately it destroyed my ovary and fallopian tube and I had to have them removed. And then again a few weeks ago, I experienced the worst pain I have ever felt. For two weeks, I went to the doctors and hospital every single day just to be sent home. I kept going back because the pain was the worst I have ever felt. After pestering several specialists, and dozens of failed prescriptions, they finally discovered a serious infection and got me on antibiotics. But I’ve been on antibiotics for a month because no one knows what’s wrong and they think it will come back.

Maybe it’s PTSD or anxiety, but lately I really fear for my own life. All these random freak things keep happening to me and they are super painful and serious. But they’re all unrelated. I feel like I’m a conspiracy theorist about my own body. But there has to be a reason why everything’s been falling apart. I’m losing organ’s over here, but doctors would consider me to be a “young, healthy girl”. Every time I get a new concerning symptom, I want to go to the doctors or follow up with someone, but I don’t because I can’t afford to keep getting dismissed. When I heard Taylor Swift’s song, I started sobbing instantly. In the chorus she says, “soon you’ll get better, you have to.” And I feel like it’s something I have to keep telling myself because otherwise I have this dreadful horror movie like feeling that I’m going to die. I worry that all these doctors are missing the crucial piece that ties all my crazy medical mishaps together.

There’s another line that says “And I hate to make this all about me, but who am I supposed to talk to, what am I supposed to do”. Again, selfishly relating it to myself here. But when you’re scared about your health, it feels so powerless. I’ve been working out and eating healthy, yet everything is malfunctioning. I try to get a therapist, and no ones taking new patients, my primary care doctor tells me my situation is complicated and to get a primary in the city but they’re not taking new patients either. It’s up to me to judge how bad I think something is and who to see for it. I have to tell hospitals I will not be discharged until we have an answer because I know somethings not right. 9 times out of 10, I’m right and it was a missed infection. I keep trying, but I don’t know what else I can do to help myself.

So Anyways, if you’re like me and sometimes just need a good cry, I would listen to the song. You may interpret the words differently but I heard it as my inner self trying to give me a pep talk. I think it’s important that we feel bad for ourselves from time to time. Being sick or having a loved one that is sick can be really sad and scary and sometimes feel like slow torture. We deserve to give ourselves a pat on the back for enduring all of this pain for so long. Every time I need another CT scan or MRI, I try to remind myself of all this awful things I have been through. If I can get through that, then I can get through this. What’s one more specialist or one more needle prick. As long as I keep fighting, I have to believe that I will get better.

[chronicstrength41]

Why I need to unfollow you if you’re pregnant

Being pregnant is such an exciting time in a women’s life! For most of us, we’ve been planning this moment for a while down to every detail. If you’re like me, you already have your nursery and potential names picked out. And then that day comes where you see the two lines. It’s truly an indescribable moment. It’s like you just became a member of this VIP group of other women. From there comes a lot more planning and then the fun part comes when you get to decide how you want to tell your friends and family. You post online a pictures of yourself holding your belly and all your social media friends cheer and it’s all so exciting. I felt very blessed to be among the lucky, if only for a few weeks.

I’ll spare you the devastating details, but like many other women, I had a miscarriage before the 3 month mark. It was the saddest I’ve ever felt in my life. I felt like a piece of my heart was ripped out of my chest. This happened a few months ago. Since then, I’ve been trying to stay optimistic about getting pregnant again. I bought another ovulation tracker and wake up at 6:30am every morning to take my Basal body temp. And I try my best to stay hopeful and distracted. Little things have gotten easier too. I work with Children and at first I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to go back to work. Folding onesies and singing lullabies to someone else’s baby felt too painful. After a while, it got easier though. I was able to start shopping for my hope chest again and have been able to use work as a nice distraction. But there’s one thing that has never gotten easier for me and that’s seeing other pregnant women.

For all my friends and family who are pregnant, please know I love you and I’m genuinely so happy for you. But the moment you announced your pregnancy on social media, I had to stop following you. I can’t see your fun gender reveals or cute little baby bump pictures. I cannot bear to see you and your husband announce the birth. It literally kills me. I’m currently seeking therapy, so I’m hoping I can overcome this. It makes me feel selfish to feel this way and I know it’d bum me out if someone felt this way about my pregnancy. But it really feels like I can’t be happy for you until I am also pregnant. And then we can jump up and down together and talk about every detail.

For any other women experiencing intense grief over the loss of your pregnancy, please know this. You don’t need to feel better or move on until you’re ready. You’ve done nothing wrong and are entitled to grieve and recover however feels right for you. Some days I eat candy till I wanna puke, or have an extra glass of wine. Other days it feels better to be proactive and work out or eat healthier. But there’s no one way to do things. And if you’re like me and can’t handle the sight of another pregnant women, I think that’s okay too. Just promise me you won’t try to handle this alone. It’s too much for one person. Talk to your spouse, seek therapy, or confide in a friend. And if you don’t feel comfortable with that, reach out to me and share your experience. Sending you love and support.

[chronicstrength41]

My response when people call me a “Pot Head”

As a chronically ill women, I have been in different degrees of pain everyday for the last ten years. I have been prescribed dozens of different medications. Some made me too tired to drive. Other’s gave me severe restless leg syndrome, burning scalp, and the sensation that my throat was closing up. And two medications that I was given for depression even gave me suicidal ideation which is obviously the opposite result I was looking for! It made me so nervous to try new medications that I just avoided all of them unless I am told they are necessary. For the most part I just take vitamins, eat healthy foods and use cannabis and CBD.

I’m fortunate enough to live in a state where Cannabis is legal medicinally and recreationally. And although, there is less stigma around it now, I am often encourage by medical professionals not to take it regularly because there is not enough research on it. And even the people I know who are okay with it, put cannabis in the same category as alcohol. They consider it something that is more for relaxing than pain relief. What these people don’t realize is, marijuana allows me to function everyday without needing prescription pain medication.

A few months ago, I was in the hospital for major surgery. When the surgery was done, I was in severe pain. I must have pressed my call button over a dozen times. Every time I did, I was given a super intense medication through my IV. It took away my pain, but I was so messed up that I couldn’t see straight. I spent the whole night doubled over throwing up. I had this awful hangover once it wore off and this splitting migraine. Because I was suffering so much, my doctor wanted to keep me overnight. I was dying to get out of there because I knew as soon as I used cannabis, I would start feeling better.

I am not a medical professional and I do not have my medical marijuana license. I just used it recreationally and I do what works for my body through trial and error. And worst case scenario, I will feel a little funny for an hour and it and then it fades away and I just feel hungry and a little sleepy. The good news is there’s a lot of states where it is legal medicinally and you can see a medical professional to get the proper product and dosing. But for me, it is a predictable form of pain treatment and I don’t know what I’d do without it. Does the make me a pothead? Maybe, but I’d much rather use a plant for pain relief than put myself through unnecessary suffering.

[chronicstrength41]

Miscarriages; even though they’re common, they’re never easy.

I found out I was pregnant the morning after Easter. I had the day off of work and I was happier than I’d ever been when the test flashed pregnant. I was so anxious for husband to get home so I could tell him. We live with my parents so it was easier to just tell them before the 3 month mark as well. And within the week I couldn’t help but tell my best friend and my employers. In the coming days we had plans to tell more people. We knew a miscarriage was possible but we were too excited to keep it from our close friends and family.

I had only been pregnant for a few days when I started having unusual symptoms. One day I threw up all day, couldn’t even hold down water. Most days I had no interest in food, and then the pain started. It was the kind of cramps that stop you in your tracks and you fall over a little trying to ride them out. So anyways, that happened and it kept happening for a few hours so I went to the ER. They reassured me that it was probably pain from a cyst, the baby looked fine but be prepared incase it’s a miscarriage.

I left the hospital relieved but still in a lot pain and very nervous. My doctor called and said she noticed I had a uti and put me on amoxicillin. About an hour later I started spotting. At this point, I began to prepare myself. The next day I had a follow up with my Gyno. After being reassured several times now that it’s probably just the uti and a cyst and that the baby is fine, we got into the doctors office and was told just the opposite. My hcg levels were decreasing and my pregnancy was no longer viable. Because my blood type is 0 negative, I had to go back to the ER to get an antibodies shot. The days following were filled with intense grief, severe sharp cramping pain, and not as much blood as I was expecting. The pain was overwhelming. I took almost two weeks off of work and did not leave my bed unless it was to go to the doctors.

A big part of having a miscarriage is having to break the news to everyone who knew. My husband was there with me when I found out. Then I had to tell my parents which was easy because I did it through text. The tough part came when I had to be around them while recovering and i wasn’t ready to share my grief but also had to be sensitive to how it affected them. A few people I ended up telling I had a miscarriage even though they didn’t know I was pregnant because I needed the extra support and wanted people to understand why I wasn’t myself.

Now I’m a very private person and although I struggle with chronic illness on a daily basis, I’m not one to publicly share this information for awareness alone. But I decided to share my story, not because it is a profound experience but for the very opposite reason. Miscarriages are so common and women are taught that it’s not appropriate to discuss. They’re meant to feel like it’s foolish to grieve because it should’ve been expected that this may happen. Well I can tell you firsthand, miscarriages can feel like torture.

Here’s 5 thing I wish people knew and things I didn’t know before it happened to me:

It’s a different experience for everyone. Most people warn you about the bleeding but for me it was the cramps. I could not leave my bed and nothing helped.

1.It feels like it lasts forever. Mine went on for almost a week and everyday was a slow torture

2.The physical pain. Just to double down on this, it can hurt really bad! Like the worst period cramps you have ever had x10.

3.That I would need time away from everything- this is hard. Part of me wanted to be distracted and kept busy and the other wanted to cry in the dark. I was too sick to cuddle up with a bottle of wine and talking about everyday stuff felt wrong.

4.It can be expensive- I had to go to the ER twice, once for severe pain and the second for the raghem shot. I have insurance but between the hospital and doctor’s visit, this will cost me between $500-700

I hope my story can help someone one else feel more comfortable about their miscarriage and fertility journey. My heart goes out to all of you and I hope you have some comfort and happiness to fall back on while you recover.

[chronicstrength41]

Free hacks for anxiety

A few of my favorite things as an anxious person that are basically free

1. The Breathe App- Have you guys tried this? It’s an app that prompts you to take deep slow breaths for one minute while its tracks your heart rate. I didn’t think much of it until I was having a panic attack that seemed to last all day. I was dreading a root canal that was scheduled for much later in the day and I was just pacing all morning with my heart racing. I tried the app on my Iwatch and it was so satisfying to watch my heart rate go down a little more each time I took a deep breath. It really distracted me and now it feels like this secret weapon I have anytime I’m super anxious.

2. The Insight Timer- This is another one that is great for people who like the idea of meditation, but have a difficult time quieting the thoughts in your head. When I am super anxious, I can’t fall asleep for the life of me. The insight timer offers guided mediation for a variety of subjects, one being sleep. I have bluetooth headphones/eye mask that come in a soft headband and I use that to comfortably drift off while I’m listening to a super sleepy meditation. Also, it doesn’t trick you into loving it just to charge you money later. But you can donate money to your favorite instructors and they have a premium membership option that is just that, optional.

3. Chamomile Tea- Now everyone knows about tea and how great it is, some people like it, some don’t. But something about chamomile tea can really relax you. I use it to replace a glass a wine when I want to wind down. Not that there’s anything wrong with a glass of wine, but its nice to have another choice! The trick for me is adding a second tea bag. I find the extra strength more effective. And if it’s not your cup of tea (pun intended!) try adding some milk and honey. It’s really nice when you’re meeting with an old friend and may be anxious about making conversation or just those little jitters during the work day.

4. Take a break from the politics and the news- As a person with anxiety, I care so much about everything, too much. When I read the news and hear about wildfires and shootings it absolutely breaks my heart. I think about it all day, I can’t handle it. I do everything I can to be environmentally conscious and I stay up to date when I can but others times, I just can’t. For the past year, the world seems to be on overdrive and I’ve just found, for me, that’s its best to read the headlines so I’m not ignorant to my surroundings but I don’t need all the details. If I have an extra few bucks, I will donate and if there’s a petition I believe in, I will sign it. But I can’t be in that whirlwind on a day to day. There’s nothing wrong with taking control of how many anxiety triggers you are exposed to.

5. Music- This seems obvious, but bare with me. Music is such a powerful thing. It has the ability to enhance a mood and even change it. The teenager in me loves putting a sad break up song on repeat and just crying as hard as I can in my car. It’s therapeutic sometimes. Other times, I’ve already cried it out and am in a position where I need to pull myself together. I’ll be on my way to work and just especially anxious to interact with my boss. When this happens I have a specific playlist that pumps me up. And if I’m feeling self conscious, I listen to Lizzo and dance in the shower. If I need a boost of hope, I listen to the opening song from the movie Inside Out. I decide how I want to feel and use music to get me there.

6. Walking through nature- This one was kind of a game changer for me. As a kid I spent a lot of time, exploring the woods and appreciating nature. But once I got older, I really started taking it for granted. One random day a few years ago, I stumbled upon a nearby nature preserve near my house. Just walking through the grass and passing wildflowers, bunnies and butterflies will really make you forget about your problems. I’ve always been nervous about hiking and getting lost in the woods but it turns out there are walking paths everywhere, especially in New England where I live. And there’s plenty of options so you can walk on a 10 minute trail or an hour long one. And a lot of State parks will give you a map or have the trails labeled so you’re in control of your walk. It’s great for people with social anxiety because there’s almost never anyone there and if there is, they’re just doing their own thing and will maybe give you a smile or head nod as they walk by but other than that you’re in your own little beautiful world.

Sleep Headphones- https://smile.amazon.com/Bluetooth-Headphones-ZesGood-Microphone-Adjustable/dp/B07MKQQQT6/ref=sr_1_7?crid=1RF473Q9ZI2WP&keywords=bluetooth+sleep+mask&qid=1566566176&s=gateway&smid=A2ZE4GI3VWNVG7&sprefix=bluetooth+sleep+%2Caps%2C141&sr=8-7

Breathe App- http://breatheapp.co

Insight Timer- https://insighttimer.com

My favorite Chamomile Tea- https://smile.amazon.com/Traditional-Medicinals-Organic-Chamomile-Herbal/dp/B0009F3PM6/ref=sr_1_4?crid=370PAO6REYSIW&keywords=organic%2Bchamomile%2Btea&qid=1566566444&s=gateway&sprefix=organic%2Bchemo%2Caps%2C141&sr=8-4&th=1

Nature walks- Each state has their own website, but you can find state parks near you on your states website. I live in Massachusetts so if I go to mass.gov it lists free parks I can visit and even tells you where you can swim, bike, walk or go camping.

No links to the news things except to say if you feel like you need some type of world updates. I’d check out uplifting news. I follow a few reddit threads that just tell me about baby stories and towns coming together to donate blood after a tragedy, and just so many other real feel good stories that I can’t get enough of.

For music, I use Spotify. I pay for the membership but there’s a free option too! The app makes it so easy to make playlist and really learns your music preferences. It gives you suggestions for new music based on your taste. And while you’re checking that out, look up Lizzo. Ten minutes into listening to her album and I am an unstoppable queen, ready to conquer the day.

[chronicstrength41]

What I wish I could say when I call out sick

I’ve been awake on and off all night. Getting in and out of bed every 45 minutes to exchange my ice pack for a colder one. I am in complete agony. The left side of my face is throbbing intensely in different places. Sometimes near my ear, or around my mouth, and just everywhere. At this point, I’m getting scared because this is not a normal symptom for me. I wanted to try to make an appointment for after work, or maybe go to urgent care. But the thought of going to work while I’m crying with an ice pack on my face was just too much. I thought about asking you if I could leave early and make a doctors appointment but what if you say no? And just last week I had to leave early for something completely unrelated so you’ll probably think I’m lying. I run through what I’m about to text you a thousand times if I were to call out. And I’m honestly freaking out about it. The pain in my left cheek starts throbbing even worse and I’m crying in pain. My husband half wakes up and puts his hand on my arm so I know he’s here if I need him. He mumbled something about calling out as he fell back asleep. It gave me the validation that he’d support my decision to take the day off

Being sick and working full time often feels like an impossible balance. I need to listen to my body so I don’t get worse, but I also need to be reliable. I want to thrive at my job and prove to you everyday that you hired the right person. Most days I feel like a perfect fit for this position. But the truth is, I don’t know what’s going on with my body. I don’t trust it to show up everyday. I’m constantly overcoming small hurdles and freaking out about the bigger ones. Disability is not an option for me and I take pride in earning my own money. But there will be times like today where everything will go haywire. My body sort of malfunctions and it takes some time to put the pieces back together. This is not the first time I lost my job due to my health and I’m sure it won’t be the last. But I’m finally starting to learn that I need to put myself first and stop feeling guilty for what I cannot control.