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[christianohh]

I’m terrified of losing this one

[christianohh]

I feel so immensely fucking defeated that even typing this out feels stupid. I’ve been made to feel so small and insignificant. I’ve accomplished so much in this last year and I don’t discredit any of it, but I chased my dream hard this time and watched it just make an absolute mess of me. I’m disappointed in myself and crave the feeling of being comfortable again. I shouldn’t have put myself in this situation, but I’ll learn from it someway. My biggest pet peeve is being made feel stupid and it bothers me the most because I did it to myself. The day isn’t done and maybe something will change it’s course, but then again I’m leaving that into someone else’s hands.

[christianohh]

Genuinely what the actual fuck? The last few months have been literally shit with a handful of exceptional days. Then I just constantly doubt myself. There is just so much I don’t even know where to begin. I’m in love. No fucking doubt, only that would explain why I’d put myself through uncomfortable situations to try to make it work. That has been weighing heavily in my head and heart. Then losing my cat to some foul shit. It’s been a month and I still get excited when I think I see him or her him. Only to realize over and over it can’t be. I don’t have many people I feel comfortable reaching out to or trust to talk about the things that bother me. So I’d just sit in my room and talk to booboo. And I have found myself getting so damn disgusted by how many people settle for crumbs just because they got comfortable. Why do people look at me crazy when I say I want to be making over $30 an hour in a few years? As if that some astronomical amount of money. I don’t have anything figured out by I feel driven. It’s just days like these that take a toll on me. I’m going to be optimistic what’s ahead and honestly going to be more direct and blunt with my actions. If it isn’t benefiting me then it has no place in my life. I’ll update soon, in a week i’ll start a new chapter. I said I love you to someone outside of my family and friends for the first time in 5 years.

[christianohh]

[christianohh]

Happy New Year.

I want to say that I hold no hostility towards any fling I’ve had or really anyone. (Excluding people that have crossed my brother.) They have all influenced me to better myself. It may have been influenced by them but I was the one that put in the work to better myself. One day someone will recognize the potential I have and cherish it, but also fuck it if no one ever does. This year I’m going to do it for myself and my brother. The only two constants in my life.

I love and cherish everyone that finds their way to this. In the end it’s y’all that are overlooked and under appreciated. I don’t say it often but thank you. Make this next year better than the last.

[christianohh]

I’m uncomfortable. I started working again two months ago and to say the least it’s the worst job experience I’ve had to date. Over the last two months, I feel confident saying, I’ve put in over 50 applications. I’m probably short a bunch considering I did 10 today. I’m in a rush because I don’t see myself working for this place much longer and I have only just caught back up on my bills. It’s honestly taking a massive toll on my mental health. With the job stressing me out nightly and just about losing my entire social life because of my ridiculous schedule. I have a few things coming up in October that I’m really excited about but I fear with all that is going on with my working situation I won’t be able to enjoy it that way it’s intended. Feeling like I wasted my time on this stupid fucking degree. Gave me a false hope on the life I was lead to believe was guaranteed. I’ve struggled to find happiness or peace over the last two months and can honestly count on one hand the few times I’ve genuinely smiled. I do believe it’s an easy fix once I can find a job I feel comfortable in.

While I’m writing I’m always overcome by optimism. These optimistic thoughts are often the ones that hurt the most when things don’t go as expected. So for the things I wish upon daily. May they come true for I’ll put my all into making it happen.

These are mostly for myself but if someone does find themselves reading this far…

[christianohh]

Wow. What a year. It’s by far been the craziest. I have experienced my lowest of lows and highest of highs. Lots of growth mentally for myself and people around me. In a lot of way I believe this years has aided everyone around me. Seeing everyone around succeeding has me motivated to move forward with my life. I haven’t let go of the thought of being able to live without working, but I’m prepared to start working in hopes that those days will come sooner. I’ve cried twice the last two weeks because of how good things are going currently. Both times happened after seeing rose & thorn. Honestly, they are my biggest motivators. To one day have babies just like them is overwhelming at times. I’m happy and I’m proud of my friends for accomplishing what they have this last year. Definitely a proud brother. Brandon has grown tremendously over the last six months. Well, the babies are crying. I’ll end this with saying I’m proud of everyone. Including myself.

[christianohh]

I guess same. Like I haven’t had the need to have someone to talk to in years. Content with being by myself. Have been super isolating myself for the past year. But also it’s hard to connect with anyone these days. People and myself included are far too afraid of getting close to someone and being let down. It flows easy because we knew each other but not so much anymore. Always something to talk about. And I knew you’d never just up and go ghost unless it was absolutely necessary for you too. And these days I don’t get too close. To anyone. I try avoid getting my hopes up about people. Disappointed far to many times. So often it’s become the new norm. I’m not depressed, but it’s frustrating because I feel like it’s a never ending circle of the same relationships. I’ve gotten to the point in which I want to literally cut everyone off. Delete everything. But I know I’d literally have 2-3 people that would hit me up on a somewhat daily basis. I try not to be negative. I hardly make an impact on anyones life. I heard something this year that went along the lines of “I’m loved by the people around me, but liked by no one. And that’s the loneliest feeling in the world.”I don’t want to make you sad. In little moments I think of ways that could make you happy. This is the stuff that needs to come out. And it’s great to have a response but I could have done this in my notes and would have been content. That’s literally how my year has been.

[christianohh]

[christianohh]

I feel sick talking to you. Anxiety goes through the roof. Worried that every sentence will be the last I speak to you. I can see this ending in only two ways. You and I never speaking again.

I feel like I’m regressing. If not that, then a point in which I am no longer growing from experience. I want to feel like I matter to someone other than those that love me. Just for a change I want to experience what it’s like to not be ran away from. I don’t blame myself for it mostly. I have my issues and other are allowed to have their own but at what point does probability point to me as the common factor. I know I’m not normal to talk to and I communicate more than I should. This all seems pointless. Why has time changed me for the worse?

On top of my own crisis my brother has started taking medication for his anxiety and I can see it’s bothering him. We’ve built this ideology that he and I can deal with the hardships of life without turning to brain altering substances. It takes a lot to go against that. So I’m proud of him. This isn’t without reason either. Everyone in my family partakes in some form of abuse and we didn’t want that for ourselves. I’ve been contemplating medication for a while and I think I may try it to help my brother feel not alone. It’s already a touchy subject and really hard to talk about. So I think it would ease his anxiety if I went through it with him. We also don’t open up about ourselves emotionally often. But I think we both know how each other thinks and bringing it up would only worry ourselves.

A hug from someone that doesn’t love me would be choice. Just to know that someone wants to be there.

[christianohh]

Days are often filled with choices that have no right answer. A billion answers can create the outcome of the desired results that I seek. Often I find the answer that leads to non-desired results. It’s said that hindsight is 20/20 and this was supposed to be my year. Yet I replay those moments back and still can’t figure out how I ended up here.

My parents robbed me of my childhood and forced it to be about what they wanted. Now I’m 24 years old and I’m still trying to figure out who I am now under greater restrictions because I am no longer a child.

September is always a weird month for me. It’s often the time period where things are starting to feel back to normal. Like school has been back for a couple of weeks and you start to look forward to what the future has. A lot of experiences in this month have shaped who I am today. Anxiety lingers because of it but I can’t wait to see what tomorrow has to offer. In a month I’ll get to hold my god child for the first time. I look forward to that day.

[christianohh]

I’m not depressed. I may not be comfortable with my position in life currently and have struggled with finding a purpose, but I don’t believe for a second that I’m depressed. I have far too much to be happy about. The biggest being my brother. Isn’t a single thing in the world I couldn’t accomplish with him by my side. Shit gets hard sometimes, but I know he’s got my back. So I am okay. And I’m preparing myself to be more independent, but I don’t know what that will do to the bond I have with my brother. At the end of the day I need to focus on myself. It’s just super weird taking these next life steps without him. I’ve gone way off of topic. But I don’t believe I’m depressed. I may not be as optimistic as others, but I’ve experienced a great deal. I just know what type of things to expect. I expect this year to be the biggest amount of growth I’ve had in years. Regardless of the circumstances currently I will be a better person at the end of the year.

Goals:

Move out on my own.

Start my career.

Work towards becoming a parent.

[christianohh]

Buried under the cigarette ashes that are flicked over my casket

Dad crying brothers laughing fuck their reactions

Struggle under the weight that death carries

Mundane thoughts will hold you down make life scary

[christianohh]

I sleep with a clenched fist.

Sometimes I think of these statements in the comforts of my dreams.

When I wake the statement fades into the background of the present.

Only to be awaken again by a like memory.

I sleep with a clenched fist.

Scared of dreams so beautiful tears flood the image of my momentary heaven.

I said the statement fades into the background of the present.

And a picture is worth a thousand words. More statements than I can remember.

If I could remember some of those statements I could live in my momentary heaven.

I sleep with a clenched fist.

Holding on so tightly to a world that shelters a hurt boy.

I find comfort in my home.

So I’m scared of my dreams.

A reality in which I will never reach.

One that does not exist and can be reborn with the closure of my eyes.

Often in this life I fight the good because I found consistency in the bad.

[christianohh]

Slightly sick to my stomach with how things have gone. I am beyond grateful for the opportunities that I have come across over the last six months, but I often think about what life would be like if I had expressed my feelings. Me ignoring what was said changed the course of our lives forever in a major way.

This entire thought is toxic. I have an important role to fulfill. Living with regrets is amongst the most painful things I’ve experienced.

[christianohh]

A beacon of hope.

A travelers post.

At the neon sign.

To you I make a toast.

I lose anxiety when the liquor’s inside of me.

Thoughts provoked.

Tears revoked.

My feelings are choked in.

[christianohh]

“There’s something about a pair of lips sliding down your neck that will always get me. Maybe because we’re always left wanting more. Always wanting more and never knowing what to do with the time that has slowed to a halt, and the only thing in front of you is a painting you’re trying to blend your name into. Always wanting more and never knowing what to do with the legs that kick start more than adrenaline, fueling more flames that you never planned to hold. I want to press my lips to your open mouth, not to kiss you, but to breathe your breath. And there’s something about mapping out promises with busy hands on someone’s legs while you’re driving that rewinds our favourite memories. There’s something about waking up to someone. The way the morning sighs around their face, and you know you’ve been dressed with their sweetest thoughts. There’s always that and you can’t get enough of your love being the one you could hold. Of lacing the misdialed scars into a blanket that folds their laughter in half. Of writing a new song to their heartbeat. Of only welcoming the rain down their face so you could follow their laughter to the clouds higher than the swing set you’re proposing their name on. There’s something about kissing on hip bones, and my god, I know you’ve been bruised, and tomorrow’s visibility is low, but I’ll leave you love notes when you can’t see your hands. I know my heart isn’t as naked as yours was. I know my eyes sometimes slip into a sleep that suffocates waistbands. But, there’s something about someone that loves you. How their breathing is the only air you’ll ever need. How their saliva slides down alongside yours. How your hands could be watering the same garden, yet being together is never close enough. There’s something about prayerful skin and pillows. The butterflies knew where to rest. Your name knows when to leave dreams full of kisses in your thoughts. There’s something about that touch from that special someone, there’s a closet of blushing cheeks you’ll always wear when you hear his voice. There’s something about the way they look into your eyes, like you’ve been held in the wrong definitions your whole life. And I know it isn’t always soft laughter and summer rain, but dear, he’ll always be chapters of lovely. And even if these memories are all we’ll ever have, you’ll always outweigh the bad. And I know I’m flawed, and I’ve been undressing every reason to love you backwards, but I just hope your heart is always full, even when your hands are not.”

— Lover Dearest