chinderellastories - Tumblr blog

[chinderellastories]

This and That

I was the first born in our family. I have a brother two years younger than me, and a sister who's nine years younger than me. My mom was 24 when she gave birth to me and my Dad was 29. They started out young, from scratch they had to build a harmonious family together. They got married 6 months before my birth date, so I believe for a fact because I wasn't a pre mature baby, that they got married after knowing my mother conceived me. Basically this family happened because I poofed. just like that. *poof* What a egocentric outlook, ye

As the eldest, I bear the responsibility of being the model child that my siblings look up to and shan't make no mistakes. Also, I need to be the perfect-est-est daughter who helps out her parents. Also, being a top grade student to ease some financial burden and just you know, make momma proud. In simpler terms, there is no room for mistakes and I have to be the best or else I am of no value and shall be considered worthless. just like that. eAsY.

So growing up, I had to top everything off. there's no sealing the deal here. Got the highest in your class? Well not good enough, you're not the highest in your year level. Got the most number of medals in school? Well, not good enough someone on the other scholl has more medals than you. Oh, you took out the trash? Well, your brother filled the pitcher with water so yours doesn't count. What, you brushed your hair? Well your sister blinked, beat that. As nonsense as it sounds. One time my Mom scolded my younger sister for being stinky because she hasn't taken a bath and my Dad said why wasn't I getting scold at because I get stinky when I'm sweaty. Yeah, fuck dude you can't be smelly when sweaty, that's illegel, f da p0lic3.

All the while in my childhood I was also often compared to my cousin (a year older than me) and I'm always a step behind her. Like literally dude I'm her shadow. I'm at where she's been. Because people expect me to. "oh your cousin won the gold medal here. Come, try and win it. Oh you can't? She's better than you. You suck."

So I was, you know, always battling it out. Tryna get my own spot but I always end up being the second best at everything.

I never wanted to do everything, but I had to be everything all at once and people around me expect it to be perfect. I had to be this and that and I'm not allowed to pick one, because if I can't do both, I'm worthy of no mercy.

So I guess maybe the reason why I couldn't be the best because I'm doing everything all at the same time.. because I have to all of them at the same time.

I have to be a role model daughter to my sibling but I also have to be a kid who learns through her mistakes, but I couldn't make mistakes or else I'd be a bad example.

I have to be a grade A student but I also need to find the time to help out my parents. Instead of reviewing for exams, I need to finish some chores and even help out my mom's office works.

And I'm sick of doing this and that. For once I wanted to do "just this" or "just that" and play the game my rules. I never wanted to hear any more "is that it?" because hell yeah that's it so suck it up. I never wanted to live up to anyone's expectation other than myself.

After all, it has started with me all along, and my self should be valid that way. what an egocentric outlook, ye. *poof*

[chinderellastories]

I Can't Sleep

It's been a day since I shut myself off from the world--well except from my family whom I live with, but beyond that, I haven't talked with anyone. I can't. I stopped myself. I am unstable, I'm not in the right mind. I need help but not anyone from them can help me. So instead of causing havoc, I resorted to just cutting myself out.

It wasn't easy when I first started it. I always feel uneasy and I'm always trembling, aggitated, uneasy. My heart's always pounding and my head's all over the place. Those are just phases though. There will be times where I'd feel safe and sound, that peace where I can actually feel the wind blowing. But they don't last long.

During the day, I have successfully distracted myself from doing house chores, watching movies or cartoons. I've also decided to wrap my unused books. Someone told me if the pages get to be oxygenated, they'll turn brown and brittle. He was in my mind while I was covering the books. I was wondering how was he. If he was enjoying playing online games with his friends or some random stranger, or was he stressed because he had to drag them out throughout the game. But I'm sure he's making the most out of his time.

One thing I realized lately, nobody ever really cares what anybody's doing because we're busy with ourselves to have the time to pay attention to anyone else. That sucks.

And that was I was terrified of.

I cared too much about these people and made sure they get a shoulder to lie on everytime they fell down. I have always given myself to everyone. I was always ready to give a piece of my time as much as they need it. Even if it means I'd get to little to no sleep.

Because I know how difficult it is to be alone with your thoughts at 2am. How they eat you like a savage wildcat. I never wanted anyone I know to go through that, because it's horrible, terrifying, hideous, and you'd wish you'd just die instead.

But there is a much more tideous nightmare than that.

It's having all these hands infront of you but no one stretches it out to reach for you. They're just hanging there like stupid limbs, even if you're hanging at the edge of the cliff.

That's what I was terrified of.

Instead of keeping on hanging by the cliff, I let myself go.

Now I mad a campfire in this pit. It's not that bad. There are times where I hear hisses and rattles but I figured they mean no harm. I kinda made friends to some of them.

Now I'm not terrified of what's down here anymore. I'm terrified of what's up there. I never want to go back anymore. I think I'm safer here.

But I wanted to wrap books with that someone..and talk about his games and his favorite movie.

Now I don't know where to go. I can't sleep.

[chinderellastories]

On My Death Grave

If all else fails, this might be the last letter from my dying breath. I have been terribly weak--the worst I have been for the past few months. I was worse before, but it wouldn't be bad dying now as I've come to conclusion of my life's will.

I have always come second, and I was good at it. I was always taught to put others first before myself as it was a one kind act I should possess. As an elder sister, I need to come last--my younger brother and sister would need to come first before me. The only first I have gotten was being born, and that was the last thing I could remember I have been.

I was good at school, in elementary. I was the first in class, but second to my cousin. I was always awarded gold, but it was shiny enough because my cousin's award was shinier, more promising than mine. I didn't have to notice that--they were screaming it at my face, that I'll never be as good as her, and I'll always come second to her, and that's good enough, I guess.

Came junior year, I tried to make friends. I attempted to have a best friend and she'll make me her first friend, too. But no, I was always the third friend. I have only met friends who have already met their best friends. I had to come in the third. It was good enough for me than to not have anyone at all. I have always walked behind everyone else. Literally. The street was too narrow. But when I tried to walk with someone else, I was smitten and despised for leaving the duo behind.

Then I would find myself alone and left out. That wasn't good, so I had to march up to settle for less than to have nothing at all.

It was in senior year where one took notice of me. Like I was standing before them and they will always be one step behind. I have met one of these before but they have always end up walking the other way. But this one stayed. I cared to be loved more than I cared loving anyone else. That was all it ever was, I think. So I ended up miserable and fighting it off, until they drove off course.

So I was alone again.

I met someone who mustered the courage to walk beside me, perhaps. Yet I have been cynical about almost everything. I would always ruin everything with my temper and he would walk two steps away from me... so I had to walk behind him to keep on track--just tail him to not lose him. That way, he wouldn't go off course. That way, I'll always see him, he wouldn't go the other way because I'd always catch up to him.

Then it was settled.

I'd be second to everything, I'd take myself last.. that way at least I wouldn't be alone.

Maybe on top of struggling with all of these, all I wanted to here was someone say they are proud of me as I did my best, without dangling something in comparison to others better than me.

Maybe I would just like to feel that I'm the best me I have ever been than anyone else.

Maybe I just hope someone would not see me as second best and never last.

That is.. my last and dying wish.

[chinderellastories]

I don't want men to find me attractive

When I was a kid, I had fun dressing up. I fancy cute dresses, mix and matching outfits, and even acting out some poses from Asia's Next Top Model. I loved glamming up. I love feeling attractive..physically.

Even so, as I grew older and as I explored more of what's there in life, I never wanted to be attractive anymore.

I have seen the harsh realities when a woman is "attractive".

They get played. They get bitched at by other toxic women. They get rumors and drama. They get fake and insecure friends who only wanted to pull them down. They get preyed on by assholes. They get to be sexually fantasized. They attract bullshit.

I never wanted to live that kind of life.

I wanted to have my own safe bubble, where no one can throw shit at me. So I never wanted to glam up anymore. I don't want to attract anyone. I don't want attention. I don't want to be a prey from a sexual predator.

I want to reserve myself from all these hideous beasts.

You see I don't glam up for anyone else, but for me. Yet the way society puts it, it's as if I'm fishing for attention with my sparkly high heeled stiletto. For the record, I want to see my reflection being all classy and shit and it's not for other people to gawk at.

But just how things have been turning out from where I lived...they think it's always about them. That I wear sunday dresses to show off my legs. That I put on some jewelry to flaunt social class. That I doll up to get boys. That I wear red lipstick to pucker up.

Can people please stop using these "things" to justify their fucked up mindset?

I don't want men to find me attractive. I want to be attractive for myself.

[chinderellastories]

The Murder, Mystery, and Makeup Monday

It's been weeks since I started watching Bailey's Murder, Mystery and Makeup Mondays. I also found these topics interesting, especially what goes inside the villain's minds, what happened, how did it ended up happening, and the how's and why's of basically everything concerning the case.

Yet it was the first time I actually sat through and watched an actual investigation and court trial.

While I was watching Bailey, I knew they were real. I knew these person had lives of their own. But at the back of my mind I still think of them as stories I was just invested to hear.

The moment I watched an actual footage of the investigation, and trials, I was... bewildered.

It was a different experience from hearing Bailey just spilling out the tea. I see these people, the suspect... they're REAL.

I watched Jason Amato's interview and stand witness in his brother, Grant Amato's trial (Amato's case, go watch it). It was horrifyingly heartbreaking.

In the interview with his brother, he was calm, trying to get a grip and trying not to break shit. He was mad and hurt for what happened tp his family, yet he still treats his brother some respect and dignity, and even cared for him, sensing at the back of his mind that Grant's guilty af. But he stayed decent. The strength it took for him to keep it together is commendable.

Meanwhile during the trial, at first it was neutral, everything is fine; It was just basic and essential questions. But the moment they asked how he found out, how he was questioned, how the police told him that in his parent's house there was a body of a woman--he started breaking down, yet he continued on what happened that day, holding back his tears. He even cried just remembering how his mother loved horses. He said he understands why they needed him to say it, to answer it, to stand witness.

Just imagine...losing your family from the hands of your own brother, who constantly caused a havoc in the family but continually received forgiveness after all that he had done. He was a failure to himself yet his family saw hope in him but Grant just knew better and fucked it all up.

"No one can love you more or less than your family," Jason [nv]

These things really happen to real people. It's horrifying. It's hideous. It's sickening to the gut.

I don't even know why I willingly sat through the whole thing though it was disturbing. Yet it gives me a lot of new perspective about the real world. It gave me a new sense of empathy towards other people, that they're not just stories. These things happen. Wicked people exists in this wicked world, and we might as well do something about it.

[chinderellastories]

That's Life as told by Arthur

I have just finished watching the film and oh boy I did not watched it straight; I had to pause it after about an hour or so just to breathe. and breathe. and breathe. It was a wild ride, folks and it knocks in my noggin'.

So I would just blabber it out. This is a word vomit coming through.

When it comes to the editing, camera angles, lightings and the details--it's a masterpiece. It wraps up the scenes perfectly. It sets the mood, tingles your thoughts and even evokes emotions. Even just the first scene where Arthur looks in the mirror and pulls his face (literally) into a smile and frown--gives you a fucking shiver. It's disturbing and it's fantastic.

It was also really commendable how the movie dwelled on Joker and Joker alone, unlike other self-tittled films focus more on the unfolding of events and jumps focus from character to character. Other films were more of the external build up rather than the character development. Yet this movie unveils the internal conflict of the character which spiralled with the external conflicts and soon created who he became at the end of the movie. Which makes it intresting.

I took notice of how he was named Joker and the clever way how he became a character. This is just my personal opinion. I've known that a Joker card is a clean slate. An excuse to his bad deeds would be due to insanity. The Joker as a Court Jester would just be plainly for entertainment, nothing more and nothing less, as if they are mere props. The Joker as a clown will never be taken seriously. This pretty much sums up Arthur Peck.

Pardon me for I was never a fan of Batman. So I didn't have enough knowledge on their backstory. But I would like to point out some highlights that I've noticed which struck me and lead me to say that oh boy this is a masterpiece.

Finding his purpose. Arthur talked about feeling unhappy and like he was invisible, like he wasn't existing, a couple of times. There was a scene where some jerks mauled him and the next day at work, his boss was more concerned of the "sign" and never about how he was doing. Basically just throwing it out in the open that "Arthur, the sign is more important than your life stfu." He was falling deeper and deeper into feeling he's worthless. He didn't matter. No one pays attention. Even the social worker he was talking to. But when he killed the three assholes in the train, someone finally took notice of him. It didn't matter at what cost. It was shown how he trembled when he started hearing news about it. He had grown concern. He was aware of what he did. He then later on became satisfied. He was finally right in the spot where it feels like he actually existed.

Toxic Positivity. I loved how it played the song "That's Life", how in the beginning it gives off a fun and upbeat vibe but later as it goes through the movie it gave a darker sense. As if saying "oh you got fucked up? it's okay, that's life" therefore normalizing the fucked up society we live in. No, Murray. It's not okay. Issues does not get resolved by just smiling it out. It doesn't make it go away. So stop telling sad people to just smile.

Dancing and freedom. I have always been amazed how dancing is a form of self expression. No one can tell you that your "move" is bad. Because it's yours, no one can tell you it's wrong. Almost by the end of the movie, when Arthur indulged into being the Joker, he started dancing. He was started freeing himself from the cage that the society locked him in. He wrote in his journal, how people expect him to act as if he doesn't have mental illness. Therefore tearing himself apart trying to fit in. But when he finally broke free, he started showing himself as himself. And not as someone who he was expected to be.

Selfishness, insensitivity, an out of touch with reality. Before he killed those assholes, they did him dirty. He was bullied. But then it was seen plastered on the newspaper how the killing was a movement against the rich. Fucked up, yeah? No one questioned how did it happened, why did it came to a point where they had to be gunned down? They have just concluded that those men are rich assholes and they deserve to die. No. They were bullies and so they died. Throughout the film, the rich and powerful were portrayed as insensitive people. They don't know what going on down there. No one was listening. They just pretended to. The 'therapist' was asking questions because it was her job. Thomas Wayne was preaching about helping the poor because it was a reputation. Bill Murray makes audience laugh because it's his show. But none of them ever really listened to what was on the streets because they were safer inside the walls of their mansion. Each and every one of them (even the mob) were driven by selfish desires and no one thought of being on the other one's shoe. That's what made it chaotic. Everyone wanted to be heard yet no one is willing to listen.

The other side of the coin. It was an interesting story how a portrayed villain, has his own movie and he was a protagonist. It didn't even dwell on the murders and the wrong things he had done, but it gave focus on the wrong things that the society have done to him. I sound like I'm justifying murder, I'm not. murder is bad, kids. What I'm saying is, it gives a window on what's going on inside his head. I have watched a couple of murder cases and I've noticed how serial killers mostly suffer from brain trauma, head injury, and physical abuse while they were young. As well as in this movie, it shows that it came somewhere. He wasn't born like that and if it was in other circumstances maybe he wouldn't turn out the way he did. He was trying to survive. He needed help. Now if you watched this movie and thought that it's sick, it glorifies murder, it justifies the killer, he's crazy, and such--you're not listening, too.

I have a lot of thoughts in my mind, I could go scene by scene and dissect every detail and character, but these are just some of the things that really gave a highlight to the film. My main take-away though is having an awareness on the evil that lives inside our minds. They're invisible. They cannot be physically touched. You just have to listen. Closely. Listen to understand. That's how life should be.

[chinderellastories]

HI

So. I'm just here to sit with my thoughts and blurt it out; I am lost.

It's been about two years now since I've joined a campus publication. For the first year I was trained as a staff writer and the second year I got a managerial position (tough luck). I was just getting the hang of it for the last year--how proofreading and editing works, arranging schedules for outputs, polishing releases, setting up events etc. We rarely dwell on social media platforms; it was just for urgent announcements, and promotion sometimes.

This year I became the editor-in-chief, and because of the pandemic and its fuckening, we had to shift with electronic-publication.

SUCH A BLESSING SHOULD I SAY.

The two years I've spent mastering the arts and crafts of how a campus publication should be, it was pretty much useless. We can't do whatever we did before--No more school events, tabloid releases, and we would just rely on social media platforms (the least part that we were familiar to)

It was the weakest point of the pub, and this sudden change was a big fucking blow to the gut.

We are not only battling against the short attention span of the readers (as they have before, an issue in having more people read newspapers), now we have to fight a lesser attention span, and even fucking facebook algorithm.

SUCH LUCK.

So, recently, I have been experimenting with what works and what doesn't. I have tried posting every other day, or every day, or once a week.

Surprise, surprise, surprise! (most) PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO READ ANYMORE

UNLESS

You tick some nerves in them (like eliciting hate, and rage)

But who wants a pub who only knows how to spread hatred? NO ONE. AND IT'S NOT GOOD. THAT'S JUST SICK.

So right now, I'm stuck with having passive writers and artists; socially dettached teenagers; close to no fucks given by readers; fucking facebook fucking algorithm; letting my alumni down; slipping into a depressed state because we've written and edited articles for weeks and no one gives a shit; on the verge of giving up and just walking away; trying to find a fucking leverage on this stupid anchor; hoping that I won't flush the publication's reputation, and credibility down the drain and make it the darkest time in the history of our publication.

Please pray for me and my sanity. I will update if anything happens next.

[chinderellastories]

The Golden Age of Children’s TV, the 90’s.

[chinderellastories]

I AM LAUGHING

[chinderellastories]

I am a messed dreamer with the nerve to adore a man with a condescending smile who makes me feel like I'm living in a planet with -1000°C when I'm with him

me

[chinderellastories]

I could just imagine how tmrw would be like

Monday morning like this..

[chinderellastories]

Korean night with my cousins to celebrate the last day og semestral break; Ahhh~ (≧▽≦)

[chinderellastories]

[chinderellastories]

Life isn't measured by the span of years we live physically. It's the length of time we stay in a person's heart and mind 💗 yep, it's the thought thst counts 😏😋

[chinderellastories]

Love is evil spell it backwards I'll show you

Spacebound - Eminem

[chinderellastories]

One of the best moments in my life!! Not just because Cj took me there but really, we had a blast together and it was effin F U N💕 (His presence was just a bonus point) Friendship goals!!! hahaha

[chinderellastories]

Some bromance moments with my bruh 😮💪😂😂