chibichernikova-blog

[chibichernikova-blog]

hi.

first, updates. my attempt to quit smoking is not going well. we’ve decided to try and wean me off gradually instead. but, haven’t had a chance to start that officially. i don’t think i’ll be meeting this goal. 

because i’m a useless pile of shit. but anyway. that’s not what i’m making this post for. 

for the past few days, we’ve been at my fiancée's brother’s house. she sent me back to our house today. without talking to me about it first, of course. mainly because our dog needs taken care of, because he’s stuck here. so now i’m here. and she’s still over there.

i do not want to be here. 

see, we live with her dad, both because we’re broke right now and because places are too expensive here anyway. and... well, neither of us are employed right now either, because jobs are just as difficult to find. but anyway. 

this man is the most misogynistic, condescending douchebag i have ever met. he’s one of those people who firmly believes that he is a genius while everyone else in the world is an idiot, absolutely hates being proven wrong and has to always be right, and believes women only exist to give him sex, clean his house, and make his food. he absolutely hates having to do anything, because it means he has to actually get up and do something, and why would he want to do that when he has a woman to do it? 

he is a male version of my mother and i fucking hate it. 

my fiancée and i are not exempt from his views on women (minus the sex part, because that’s fucking gross). he treats us as if we’re his maids, expecting us to spend every waking moment cleaning and doing shit for him. and this isn’t because we’re unemployed either; the same was expected even when we had jobs. no, i do not have an issue with cleaning in general. i do have an issue when it is being demanded by a man who does not get up off his ass for anything in the entire world, and can’t even be bothered to wash a dish or run the vacuum when he’s the only one fucking home. 

why do i compare him to my mother? 

i will keep it brief. 

my parents are divorced, have been since i was 4. i was abused and neglected by both of them, starting from age 4 to age 18. first by my father, though he was mostly neglectful because he had untreated schizophrenia, and couldn’t even take care of himself most days, let alone a child. that lasted until i was 8, and then i was handed off to my mother because my dad got himself caught. 

now, my mother. my mother is someone who should have never had children. she is pure narcissism. everything must be about her. you must put on a good face even if you’re upset because if you don’t, it’ll make her look bad. you cannot sing anything but praises about her to anyone, because she is the most important deity. everything you do must be for her and her happiness. if you even think for a second about yourself instead of her, she knows. she knows, and you will be punished. you will be told that she should have gone ahead and aborted you, because you’re wasting the life she gave you. you will be called every name in the book, insulted until you’ve heard them all several times over. you will be beaten, hit until you collapse against the wall in the corner, and then kicked until you stop screaming. you will not be allowed to eat, because all the food is hers, and how dare you touch it. you will be made to feel even lower than fucking dirt, all because you dared to not do as she told you. 

i’m sorry, i got away from myself there. anyway. 

now, at age 25, i still have habits and feelings and issues from it all. i don’t know how to make them go away. i don’t think they ever will go away. 

but. 

going back to the fiancee’s dad and why i’m here and why i’m posting all this bullshit now. 

i have this horrible, nasty feeling that very soon things are going to change, and not for the better. i feel like things will be taken away. they’ve already started to disappear, and i’m gonna be honest, he’s taken the tobacco and papers and is keeping them in his room now. i know, i’m supposed to be trying to quit smoking, so this should be good for me, shouldn’t it? it sure as fuck doesn’t feel great. and i know, i bet you believe i’m being melodramatic. and you can believe that, i’m not here to convince anyone of anything. i want to believe that i’m wrong, trust me. but... i can’t shake it. especially because the other day, when we came home briefly to let the dog out, he left us a note threatening to kick us out if we did not start cleaning the house every day exactly to his specifications.

i feel like this is turning out the exact same way it did with my mother, and it scares me. 

i don’t feel like i can talk to my fiancee about it either, because she’s already said she’s used to it, and she’ll tell me to stop overreacting, that there’s no reason to feel like this. 

i just... i don’t know. i’m gonna be honest. i’ve broken down. i’m sitting here crying like a goddamn baby because that’s all i fucking know how to do. 

“you’re twenty-fucking-five, get over all your shit already.” 

nobody’s said this, but i know they think it. 

i can’t tell anyone this. i’m only posting it here because i have to get it out. 

i just don’t want to bother anyone anymore, that’s all. 

but hey. that’s what this is for, isn’t it. so it doesn’t have to go on any of my rp blogs, on anything of mine that people actually read and give a shit about. it’ll stay here instead, and on the others i can act like nothing’s wrong. 

i’m just... a gigantic ball of sadness. that’s all. a gigantic ball of sadness who doesn’t fit in anywhere because there just isn’t enough room anywhere, is there? 

i’m sorry. i’ve gone on too long. way too long. i’ll shut up now.

[chibichernikova-blog]

fuck it all.

i don't matter.

not in the slightest.

i need to stop pretending like i do.

why would anyone waste their time with me.

im selfish as fuck.

they can do better than me.

not even hurting myself is going to help, even though i want to.

gdi.

just gotta... pretend like nothing's wrong. like always. because there is no reason for this. and if there's no reason for it, it shouldn't exist.

thats the rule.

fuck.

[chibichernikova-blog]

honesty.

I fucked up yesterday. I had several. I felt horrible because I fucked up.

But. My fiancée thought of a motivation.

I used to play clarinet. I still have it. I can't play it well if I keep smoking and fucking my lung capacity.

So now I have that thought. Hopefully that will help...

[chibichernikova-blog]

You got this. That thing you're trying to do? You can do it and you will.

woooo thanks my dude, I sure as hell hope so x.x its already a bit rough xD

[chibichernikova-blog]

holy fuck I woke up and almost went to make a cigarette out of sheer habit

I was nearly out of bed before I realized what i was doing

goddammit wtf

Its only 8:30am I can't fuck up already

[chibichernikova-blog]

When Primarina forgets to tie his hair.

[chibichernikova-blog]

okay my dudes: quitting smoking.

I'm doing it. Figured all this shit would work better over here than on one of the many rp blogs.

My goal is to be completely off by 2018. That only gives me a few weeks. It is going to be rough.

SO

this is how I'm going to keep track of that shit.

So. Tomorrow is gonna be the official day 1, since I already fucked up and smoked today, and didn't actually decide to do this til maybe a few hours ago. I plan to use gum to curb the oral cravings, and for the nicotine?

I'm probably just going to cry a lot. Yay.

So. Starting tomorrow, you'll see a lot of that.

Wish me luck. Or throw tomatoes at me. Or laugh. Or do all three, idc.

[chibichernikova-blog]

Popplio using his left overs. (Also happy late thanksgiving!)

[chibichernikova-blog]

literally the only good part of yesterday was the food ;w;

nothing like your fiancee’s dad being a dick to literally everyone, spending all his time bitching because things aren’t exactly the way he wants them to be and acting like it’s his house when it isn’t (we were at my fiancee’s brother’s house), then leaving because his patience for everything is at -250

nothing like nearly every adult in the house getting absolutely smashed and leaving the kids to crawl all over you and to start fighting and whatnot

nothing like wanting to scream and lowkey die 

w o w

[chibichernikova-blog]

did someone order a piece of shit? becaaaaause~~ *tap dances*

i’m here!

[chibichernikova-blog]

made a thing

[chibichernikova-blog]

My sister sent this to me awhile ago and tbh I think about it often. 

[chibichernikova-blog]

you: which team? The avengers or justice league?

me, an intellectual: the incredibles

[chibichernikova-blog]

I get to have Popplio and Furfrou on the same team? I think this is my favorite Pokemon game already!

[chibichernikova-blog]

holidays are difficult, friends. especially the ones that are apparently all about family. thanksgiving, christmas. 

november and december are always very hard for me because of them. my own family disowned me, and i feel bad accompanying my fiancee to her family because i feel like i am intruding on them. like... there’s no place for me there. 

tbh, i feel like there’s no place for me anywhere, but that’s a feeling i’ve long grown accustomed to. and i... never wanted to tell anyone this because i’ve always been afraid someone would get mad at me for feeling this way. but. it’s been weighing down on my mind for a long time. i guess i really did need to get it out. 

and just. i don’t know. i don’t mean to bring anyone down, and i’m sorry if i have. and i mean... i just get really lonely. and a part of me says i deserve it. i deserve to be alone, because i’m not a good friend, or significant other, or daughter, or anything. 

i mean, there’s a reason my mother threw me out all those years ago, there’s a reason she did so many bad things to me that i’m not gonna elaborate on, there’s a reason why my father always said i was a bad kid and he only did what he did to drive all the bad stuff out of me. 

it’s because i’m not good, and for that, nobody needs me forced upon them. i don’t talk a lot, and that’s good. nobody needs to hear me. there are more people that are worth a lot more than i am. 

so i’m just going to be here. i’m not going to do anything bad, i’m not even worth that. so don’t worry about me, okay? i’m just getting some stuff out is all. 

[chibichernikova-blog]

I just got this game but I now got 2 BIG moods

[chibichernikova-blog]

oh yes. i should give you all my friend codes and shit. the more friends the better! 

3DS: 0001 - 3520 - 9622 // Karla

Wii U: valentineofchaos

PSN: rainbowsylveon

Steam: karlacade

i’ve got smash, pokken tournament, mario kart 8, and pokemon on the nintendo consoles, not too sure what i have on PSN but i don’t have playstation plus so that’s a moot point, and on steam i have... borderlands 2, stardew valley, portal/portal 2, left 4 dead 2, and team fortress 2 though i’m shit at it. 

yaaaaay.

mutuals only, please~ if you do add, that is.