checkermallow

[checkermallow]

You're so worried about the explosions. No one died in the making of this video, I promise. I mean, Patsy seems to have some concerningly high allergies, if that's something one concerns themselves with, but she seemed fine.

You don't have to explain the gravity of explosions to me, it's okay.

[...]

Yes, definitely avoid [user pins exact location in a public forum again]. Tell everyone.

I'm glad the lizard is innocent. That's a step in the right direction. Hopefully not one that results in things blowing up, though.

It's because explosions typically aren't normal. Those are usually a bad sign, especially if people are screaming about it. I'm glad the lizard's okay as well as being innocent, though.

I mean, I'm curious where those are so I can maybe avoid wherever it is. I'm not gonna, like, come pester you or anything, I'm just curious. Wanna make sure to tell my friends and loved ones that might frequent the area. Stuff like that.

[checkermallow]

And what is it you do?

I think I technically am a for-- Right. More for them, yeah.

Mostly so, lots of work to be done. Gotta do it.

[checkermallow]

[This user googles hairless dog breeds.]

Not all of them. The Xoloitzcuintli is just as much a dog as any of the hairy ones.

... Aren't dogs meant to have fur?

[checkermallow]

This is like...what's that thing I saw on the Google.

[User googles a lot of things trying to figure this out, there's a long pause.]

Bacon number! Everyone has a bacon number. Every species has a dog number.

Don't worry about the background, it's okay. Seasonal allergies are attacking.

This isn't even dogs adjacent; this is a whole other species. That's a lizard. Like, typically dogs have fur and not scales. I am not missing a lizard.

Also, what's happening in the background? Is that screaming? Do lizards scream?

[checkermallow]

Oh, no the lizard is innocent.

Well I filmed it to focus on the lizard, it's everyone else who's making the focus the explosions. Are you going to come investigate, if I tell you?

Oh! That's... insightful! So there's a lizard stepping on flowers, making them explode?

Are you... sure the focus is supposed to be the lizard? Where's this taking place, if you don't mind me asking?

[checkermallow]

Have you seen many mammals that desperately need moisturizer? Are you an expert?

Well as long as no one is dead, that's a step in the right direction.

That thing? Eczema? Those are clearly scales, some kind of big lizard. Not a mammal who desperately needs moisturizer.

[checkermallow]

[This user drops their location in Gatlin Fields on a public forum.]

[...] [...] [...] I don't think it looked like that before, but what you're showing? That is the goodest dog I have ever seen. And I've seen a lot of good dogs.

Drop the location, I'll be there in ten. Maybe, five. Have you tried petting him yet?

[checkermallow]

I don't think anyone has died yet, so yes?

So I keep hearing. Though, it has been suggested it could just be a bad case of eczema, so we should leave that option on the table.

That's... wow, a lot is happening in this that I cannot seem to wrap my head around. First, the explosions. What was that? Is everyone alright? And that's.., definitely not a dog.

[checkermallow]

Everyone is so concerned with the explosions and not at all about dog eczema. Your dog could be next...do you have a dog? Is it missing?

I've heard of hairless dogs, but I don't remember any breed of dog that looks that...scaly. Does it have really bad eczema?

Also were those explosions and screaming in the background? I'm much more curious about that...

[checkermallow]

[User uploads another video, this one only ten seconds long. There are more explosions, someone yells "Patsy, nooo!" in a heavy southern accent. The lizard is still very much the focus of the video.]

These explosions? They are stepping on the flowers. The important thing here is the lizard, you're just focusing on the wrong things.

It wasn't originally, I know it wasn't but I'm sort of a "big picture" kinda guy and I'm just reeeeally curious about the explosion and people screaming in what appears to be a flower field. While a large lizard moseys through it.

[checkermallow]

Try squinting.

Why?

That's not a dog. How could you mistake that for-

Where is it? I want it.

[checkermallow]

This isn't about that...

While I'm sure there's someone out there who's missing their dog, that, in fact, is a lizard!

Also uh was that an explosion in the background? I'm very curious about what's going on in rest of the video. Why do we hear screaming? Where's this?

[checkermallow]

I have seen many dogs, and dogs adjacent. I asked first, though, are you missing one?

Have you ever seen a dog in real life with your real life eyes?

[checkermallow]

Oh, it's probably better that way, anyway. More fish for the forest creatures.

You keep yourself busy, then?

A wonderful suggestion there, but I ain't sure it's quite river season for the critters. Also don't really have the time to do the fishin' myself. Would love to! Just sorta can't. Much easier to do as the bear, but I think a big grizz might make a stink round these parts --that's why I try not to--

[checkermallow]

[User posts a short, fifteen second video of what is clearly just a particularly large lizard. It's weaving between flowers. In the background, there is the faint sound of an explosion and some screams. The user is entirely unconcerned.]

Is anyone missing their dog?

[checkermallow]

Maybe it was someone you know. Maybe you've actually been betrayed by a secret egg thief...

Why are all of my eggs gone? Who steals eggs?

Most importantly, why was somebody in my space?

[checkermallow]

[User googles "what gives."]

Usually salmon live in the ocean, or the river depending on the time of year. Have you tried there??

Does anybody have [.....] recommendations for grocery stores? The one I normally go to had some....issues. First all the eggs were gone and now I can't seem to find any salmon. I just really want--

Anyone [....] know what gives?