charmingwinds

[charmingwinds]

I sometimes struggle with channelling the right amount of energy. Most days, I run headfirst into my goals, embracing every moment of it, with love, but some days, I have to drag myself to work on the tasks. I don’t punish myself for being lazy, I smile and give myself a break.

But then, days like today, my heart carries the weight of all the dreams I haven’t lived yet. Those aren’t soft anymore, rather it is so sharp that it hurts every muscle. I can feel it tearing me apart, consuming me, physically and mentally. Its energy engulfs me. I can neither work, nor sit still. I am left with a constant hum and I find myself looking for the dark, full of hope that it would be able to save me. But it doesn’t dare visit me. Darkness too is scared of the fiercess of my desires.

I let the ghosts of my unlived lives flow through me. While every atom screams for it to be released, I hold myself together with determination. My resolve helps me carry a smile throughout the day.

There is an annihilation happening inside me, unknown to the world around me. Is that a curse or a blessing?

[charmingwinds]

I read somewhere that the act of peeling oranges for someone is considered love. I found it stupid.

Then one day, I was home after a tiring day and there were oranges sitting on the counter. I knew they had to be eaten that day, a day later, they’d be rotten.

I was just too tired.

I completed my chores, and the oranges were still there, colourful and nudging, hoping I’d pick them up.

I walked past, and found my bed. My head comfortably rested on the pillows.

Those damn oranges.

I got up, sat on the counter and peeled them grudgingly. As I ate in silence, I understood what they meant. It was love alright, not peeling oranges but being taken care of.

[charmingwinds]

Of course I don’t love him.

When my thoughts speed through leaving me breathless, his voice keeps me grounded. My fingers do not know his, but how do I explain this familiarity? I know I saw him in my dreams the other day. Or were they left over memories from my previous lives? He calls me by my name and I hold my breath so I can carry that feeling for a few more seconds inside me. Happiness follows me relentlessly when I’m around him.

Of course I don’t love him. How can I shove the tenderness of every atom I’m made of, into a single word?

[charmingwinds]

The pain settled in my heart. It twisted and turned when I prodded, but sat confidently. As if it belonged there. Its resolute left me anxious.

“This is what you always do,” I heard someone say. The voice was calm but cold and I’d recognise it from anywhere.

“What?” I asked.

“Run away.”

I wanted to say I wasn’t running away.

I could feel the tears in my throat. My thoughts were spiralling and I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop. Not after all this. So I decided not to resist.

I unclenched my fist. I’m welcomed by a sharp pain, followed closely by breathlessness. I let it pass through me. The first drop took every ounce of my being to surface. It struggled to emerge. The sobbing that followed did not need any invitation.

I wasn’t running away. Not really. I knew what I was getting into. I knew very well what would happen. What it would take. What it would do. I was running straight at it knowing it all too well. To get myself immersed in the pain of his presence.

I knew he’ll break my heart because I’ll want him to. If that doesn’t make you think I’m crazy, tell me again, what did you say your name was?

[charmingwinds]

Love, coming of age.

Love has always been around. But love used to hurt, and sometimes even played games. Love maybe made me feel bad about myself. Love was inconsistent and confusing.

At 26, I’ve realised that love doesn’t hurt, even when love doesn’t feel the same way. Love surely doesn’t play games. I’ve learnt to love in a different spectrum, to love at a different scale. Love is calm. Love walks right next to me, as a friend. Love finds time for me. Love communicates well. Love makes even mediocre exciting. Love is warm. Love transcends the expectations I have for it. Love celebrates me.

All this while, everyone I loved, it was a bit conditional if I think about it. Whether to make me feel less lonely or to heal my inner child, I gave love because it gave me something in return. It took me just three months of him to figure out that I am capable of loving someone selflessly too.

It’s amazing that my heart could hold all the love effortlessly. It’s incredible how I could be honest about my feelings to myself, without shying away from it all. I’m proud of the strength I yield within, to love without expectations.

I might not be able to tell you how much you mean to me, but every time I talk to the ocean and the moon, my dear, you’ll always be mentioned affectionately.

[charmingwinds]

And just like that, I had to let you go.

Standing under the yellow lights, on an empty street that stretched too far, I saw you walking away from me, one last time. Suddenly, I wasn’t a twenty six year old anymore, but a thirteen year old, on a warm afternoon, standing on the corridor, watching you laugh. The girl who reverted her gaze when you turned to look at her. Those stolen smiles. Those little moments between which we fell in love. The chill winds brought me back to the reality, and with each step away, I could feel the grief gripping my heart, mourning over a lover lost.

[charmingwinds]

As the winter progressed, the pain gripped my heart more viciously. The poison was slow, but I could feel it dissolve every part of my being. Nothing mattered anymore, I was stripped of everything that made me, me. I took the pain in my hands and found it entangled with innocence of love. The memories that once gave me warmth are the ones that burn my hands. There is an innate need to be held, but I see no arms coming to my rescue. Not a word, not a breath. Where did all the love go?

[charmingwinds]

My closest friends told me I should stay away from you. I knew you were trouble too, you weren’t pretending otherwise either, but that only made accepting you easier. You lied and called yourself a liar, you missed work and called yourself irresponsible, you paused and called yourself lazy. I knew every part of you from the beginning and to me it sounded like you were exposing your broken soul for me to love. And love, I did. 

Maybe it wasn’t my responsibility to mend you, maybe we weren’t meant to be. Maybe it isn’t love when I put your needs over mine, maybe there’s nothing great in accepting bare minimum.

And maybe I should’ve known.

Or maybe I always knew.

After all, don’t we all accept the love we think we deserve?

[charmingwinds]

Under the bright sun,

The bruises from last night,

Glitter as if to say,

Look at the pretty blood,

It is all that you deserve,

I catch you staring,

That’s when I heard you use,

I love you,

As an apology.

[charmingwinds]

Is this normal,

Or do we all feel as lost,

Is it just me,

Looking through the window,

Only to see,

My world so still,

Is it just me,

Or do you also see,

Everybody moving so fast,

While you sit by the window.

[charmingwinds]

“Anemoia - nostalgia for a time you've never known”

There is this yearning for a life that’s not mine. It’s as if I’m missing a vital part of me, as if there’s somewhere I have to be, and instead, I’m here feeling lost.

The glass building that reflects the lake seems to show me familiarity, begging me to remember, and in those few moments of the evening, I vaguely seem to recognise the place but before I could get hold of those memories, I’m lost again. My mind tries to catch up, failing, as the memories slip through, leaving me once again a stranger amidst my people.

[charmingwinds]

The hopelessness that surrounds me when the world around me gets quiet - that’s when I escape into books. As a kid, I might’ve picked a book to go on an adventure - to Hogwarts and to Narnia - the magical lands where everything was beautiful. As a teenager, my books were picked for other reasons - to feel my heart race as Poirot tries to deduce the killer, to feel content when I close the book. Now? Everything around me is difficult, the sadness in my heart would be the end of me, for sure, unless I pick a book and will myself to think about the characters. To escape the reality, I choose something where I am not the one who is getting hurt, or who needs to worry about tomorrow. When I say books are my escape from reality - I don’t think you understand the depth of that statement. It doesn’t hurt that much when it is someone else who is being chased, when it is just Katniss who has to choose between Peeta and Gale, when it is Hazel or Augustus who might die. Trust me, my heart weeped when Elio weeped for Oliver, but I gladly let that pain consume me because it was a lot fainter than the pain that grips my heart when I think about you.

[charmingwinds]

The world moves on while I watch the days turn into months. The leaves turn green, yellow and brown, flowers wither as seasons pass by, and amidst the loneliness that surrounds me, I stand, holding on to our memories.

[charmingwinds]

I see you in fragments,

in memories and in stories,

lurking between the pages,

sneaking into my words

and I let you,

because this is the only way

I know to heal.

[charmingwinds]

I hold on to your memories,

As time passes by,

From weeks to months to years,

The pandemic casting its shadows,

Onto our beautiful lives,

My hope withers,

But my love for you doesn’t,

For holding your hand once more,

I wait.

[charmingwinds]

The last time we met, I remember tracing my fingers across your face while telling you about little parts of my past. I could feel your jaw tighten when it got difficult. I could feel your smile too, it felt as if I was holding your happiness in my palm. When I left, I told you I’ll see you in three days.

Thinking back, if I had known then, I would’ve hugged you tighter. Also, longer. I’ve read somewhere that we never know when we’re holding someone for the last time, so hold on tighter and tell them you love them. I thought I was one of those few who followed that. Boy, was I wrong. I wish I had stayed longer, I wish I hadn’t snapped at you and I wish I had held you tighter.

I know this distance is temporary. But as days go by, not knowing when we’ll meet again, I find myself swimming against the waves. Amidst all the what-ifs, I realised I had been too distracted to appreciate us. This realisation spreads sadness to the deepest chambers of my heart.

Seeing you on the video call, every inch of me aches to run into your arms. Knowing that I cannot now but I will later, is humbling yet overwhelming at the same time. Times like this, I count my blessings and promise to remember how it felt to stay away from you.

[charmingwinds]

Aren’t we all a decision away,

From letting go of the familiar,

Aren’t we all a second away,

From fading with the winds,

Aren’t we all a smile away,

From falling in love,

Still, we look for constants,

As if when presented with it,

We could put it in a box,

Lock it and hold it close,

And never lose it,

When we cannot even hold the oxygen,

We breathed in,

Forever,

Without losing ourself.