chaoticxaesthete

[chaoticxaesthete]

2024 has been a very chaotic year filled with memories and lessons.

• i lost one of my best friends in january, and i've been guilt-tripping myself ever since. i had no way of making it to her funeral because i was doing my internship, apart from the fact that her parents didn't want any of her friends to be there.

• i graduated with my masters in zoology and am currently working on my paper publications while networking for my PhD with people in my interested field of research.

• i met the person i want to spend the rest of my life with. he's someone who loves me unconditionally for who i am and prioritizes my comfort over anything. he has changed my views on love and marriage.

• i have forged a stronger emotional bond with my parents. i'm absolutely lucky because they never pressurized me about anything and gave me the freedom to choose what makes me happy.

• i have cut off a lot of people and also gained some great friends. my friend circle is healthy, and i'm thankful for that.

a lot of things have happened that i didn't forsee. all i can say is that i'm filled with gratitude, and i'm trying to heal from a lot of trauma. ❤️‍🩹🪐🧿

[chaoticxaesthete]

please don't be the villain of your own story. if anything, be the hero or the magical witch of your story and save yourself. it's bad enough to be the villain in everyone's else's stories, not forgetting the villains in your story as well.

[chaoticxaesthete]

[chaoticxaesthete]

*girl on the brink of self destruction* i miss academia

[chaoticxaesthete]

\\ TW: DEATH //

i've been wanting to vent out for so long now. it's been a week since i saw the dreaded headline about Liam Payne, and it's been a bad emotional low since then. i spent my teens listening to One Direction apart from other artists and have always loved Liam. i've listened to their band albums and their solo albums. never once did i fathom i'd be mourning the death of a 1D member this early. never once did i imagine this would be the reunion we were wanting badly. it got me thinking about how i'd react to such news about other artists who've had an impact in my developing ages; Justin Bieber, Halsey, and BTS. i might just shut down for a while if the scenario arises.

if you're mourning Liam's death right now, please take your time and grieve. you're grieving the death of that young boy full of dreams and hope, who made people happy with music.

fly high Payno. you'll always live in our hearts. thank you for everything. 💔🥀🕊

[chaoticxaesthete]

every day is a chance to be 1% better than the previous day, and that's a win. the only person you have to compete with is that negative shadow self of yours and not let it drag you down the abyss. healthy competition with others is one thing, but healthily competing with yourself is what helps you identify your weak spots. stop doubting yourself even before you start, and you'll realize how strong you are. 🤍

[chaoticxaesthete]

[chaoticxaesthete]

“In our busy and distracted society, deep reading is increasingly rare. Deep reading changes people. When you interact with people, you can tell who reads seriously and who doesn’t. This isn’t just a matter of mental ability or intelligence. There is a difference between raw cognitive horsepower and time spent immersed in complex and intricate ideas. You can tell the difference between a smart person who reads and a smart person who doesn’t by how they express ideas, the references they make, and the chains of logic they follow. The former often demonstrates a subtle understanding that weaves together insights from various domains. The latter, though sharp and quick-minded, lacks the same depth of perspective or the ability to see beyond the immediate conversation or the Current Thing. This is becoming increasingly apparent among obviously bright young adults who don’t read or read nonsense despite paying large sums of money for what should have been a decent education.”

— How I Read - Rob Henderson’s Newsletter

[chaoticxaesthete]

the compulsive urges list of a bibliophile:

• to organize your books in accordance with the authors

• to keep redoing your TBR

• to read all the works of one author before moving on to the next

• to take up reading challenges and end up with more books

• to realize that PERFECTIONISM IS BULLSHIT AND YOU CAN READ HOWEVER YOU WANT TO

• to again get back to your 'MY TBR HAS TO BE PERFECT' personality

[chaoticxaesthete]

i was finally able to finish a book yesterday after an absolutely terrible slump of 2.5 years. i think we can say im out of the slump. to quote jake peralta, "I DON'T SLUMP. I DO THE OPPOSITE OF SLUMP. I PMULS ALL OVER THIS BITCH"!!!!

[chaoticxaesthete]

there’s a line i read once, by an Egyptian poet whose name i cannot remember: that a diary’s function is not to show you who you are, but who it is you have ceased to be. i think that's one of the worst kinds of reminders a person could have. you write things down, maybe because things have gotten too heavy or because you wanted to get a perspective. that's dangerous because instead of accepting the circumstances, you could spiral down again, thinking of all the 'what ifs' and 'whys'. instead of acknowledging you did whatever you could with the mind space you had at that time, you begin to mourn the frame of mind you didn't have. even if you burn the diary, you won't know peace until you burn it from within yourself.

[chaoticxaesthete]

how do you learn to accept that someone loves you unconditionally? and by unconditionally, i mean that the person has seen you in your bad times and yet chose to stay by you. how do you unwire your brain to believe that it deserves love in calm and chaos? how do you allow another person into your fortress of solitude without being suffocated?

my alone feels so good, ill only have you if you're sweeter than my solitude - warsan shire

[chaoticxaesthete]

mother night, kurt vonnegut

[chaoticxaesthete]

researching for a phd paper really is just thinking "why isn't there more research about this" and then realising that it's you. you're doing the research

[chaoticxaesthete]

home. its such a comforting yet terrifying word. something makes you feel at home because it resonates with you somehow. you could feel like home to people because you're a mosaic of all the parts of the people in your life. anyone that meets you chooses a part of you that makes them feel at home. only a few might choose you as home.

but what about you? will you choose a part from the mosaic that you are, or will you accept your whole self as home? can you feel at home without any omnious thoughts like, 'what if it crumbles?' do you even have a home?

can you ever choose yourself as your comfort place?

[chaoticxaesthete]

Fernando Pessoa

[chaoticxaesthete]

- Evelyn Waugh, from Brideshead Revisited (1945)