chaoscoffeeandbaddays

[chaoscoffeeandbaddays]

Stop the pity-party posts, this is for what I've achieved.

Wednesday, after working all night, after a meeting at the primary school, I came home, finished my uni assignment that was due that day and emptied THREE boxes. 3 cardboard moving boxes of what my sister had brought. Bloody good effort after working all night.

Thursday I put 3 loads of washing through the machine that I took to the laundromat to dry in the evening, I emptied the dish rack and washed the dishes, I added the pod holders I bought which meant raising the whole storage system in the kitchen, and I moved all the magnets from the magnet board onto the fridge. Oh, and I put the support planks on the corner unit for my room and got that set up and in place. I got Tim to pick up 8x 9ltr kitchen pantry dry storage containers, and I got 4 of them packed and into the cupboard before bed.

Today, I cleaned up the cardboard box and roll of paper towel Freya chewed while I was at an appointment, vacuumed, filled 2 more of the 9ltr pantry tubs, I've emptied a storage basket, brought in a few items from out the front that I knew where to put, tidied inside the fridge (it doesnt need cleaning but I organised everything nicely), emptied the kitchen bin... this evening, after laying down for a bit (my back was KILLING me), I discovered it was wet under the laundry sink where I keep the cat stuff so I got a wire shelf from the pantry and reorganised everything so the litter wont get damp, I replaced the litter in both litter boxes, and I've mopped the floor in the hall, toilet and laundry.

I hd hoped to do more today. The dogs kept barking down the yard when the neighbour came home so I had to bring them in, I couldnt be in and out and leave the front door open. I cant find my bottle of guarana so I wasnt able to get that energy boost I had hoped for. I'm so tired, I didnt get enough sleep last night, but I plan to get more somethings done before I go to bed 🤞

I wish I could be doing markets this weekend but I just have to dedicate myself to getting this place cleaned up. Sandra has offered to come over with the D-Max for a tip trip, Leanne has offered to bring a bunch of teenage boys to use their muscles moving heavier things around, and Ann has offered to come and put a shed together for me (when I buy it).

I have amazing people 🥰

[chaoscoffeeandbaddays]

Ok, these posts have been turning into a pity party of one and that's not what I want to be documenting. Since I got back from Brisbane I've been trying to improve the kitchen. My friend gave me a storage unit and suggested i could make a wall of them over the stove. Well... it didnt fit how I wanted it to so i measured the space, got 2 smaller ones to fit but didnt consider the effing crown moulding around the ceiling was so wide so once putting one unit up, the second didnt fit beside it. But of course I had pulled everything out to make it happen and had 3 half built units with the rest of the pieces also cluttering the house so I could barely move but I eventually found a configuration i am decently happy with so I was able to start putting things back and catching up with the regular chores that had been neglected in favour of the bigger picture. This has been happening between shifts too so my fatigue was high and I had a couple of awful pain days. Welltory reckons I should ease up.

[chaoscoffeeandbaddays]

Friday was a total write off. I was only out of bed a couple of hours before I went back to bed for a nap and woke up at 5pm. Went to the shops, had dinner, had a long hot bath and back to bed. Wokr up Saturday feeling not a whole lot better, despite all the sleep my Welltory stats were bad but we went to Wellington Point, walked out to the island and back and my stats were a bit better after but man was I tired. By the time we had lunch I was dizzy with fatigue. We went home and I slept all afternoon again. Dinner, a bath and back to bed again, again.

[chaoscoffeeandbaddays]

What a difference enough sleep makes.

I brought Pagain and a carload of her stuff to Brisbane about a month ago. After working Tuesday night and being up all day Wednesday to drive to her place 2 hours from mine, load the car and drive back, I got a solid 9 hours sleep before getting up early to drive the 12 hours to Brissy. Wednesday nights are the one good sleep a week I get, and I NEED to get that one. When we arrived I had a long hot bath, went to bed and slept the best 10 hours of my life. Woke up the next morning feeling rested and keen for a day of wandering.

This time, Wednesday was a shorter night. Even though we were leaving an hour later this time, I only got 6 hours. The drive to Brisbane was a STRUGGLE. I had to make more stops just to stay awake so the arrival was MUCH later. Long bath, bed, 8 hours sleep... and I've woken in so much pain. Every muscle HURTS, my BONES hurt, my FACE hurts, my fingers, my eyelids, my SKIN! An hour of trying to get back to sleep only turned into hunger, a headache and a threatening bladder. So i had to get up. I've nearly fallen off solid ground several times. I'm not dizzy in my head, I'm just unstable in my body.

Whats the word? 🤔 ah, proprioception.

I'm absolutely wiped out.

[chaoscoffeeandbaddays]

What. A. Long. Ass. Day.

When ADHD meets Fibro, you can't do anything until the last minute, then when the last minute comes... you still can't.

Moving a friend from 2 hours south of me to 11 hours north of me. I struggled so hard to get the car empty. Half of it is staying in the driveway because I physically cant manage to get them down the 10 metres of slippery slope to go under the house. I took all the crates out of the beach tent under the house, packed it up and restacked them so i can stack them higher so I can fit more. I even got about 5 more down there from in the house, carried my blanket box up to go in my wardrobe and moved my cube unit back out of the wardrobe to the end of my bed. My house does not look a single bit tidier or less cluttered, but I know I made some good achievements. Steps are being made in the right direction.

So after working all night and doing ⬆️ all morning and half the afternoon. I took another guarana, made a triple shot iced latte and made the 2 hour drive south, into the city fringe at bloody peak time, to pick up my friend, load my car with her furniture and drive the 2 hours home.

Between the sleep deprivation and the caffeine I think I covered 30,000 words and 10,000 steps from the driver's seat on the way back.

[chaoscoffeeandbaddays]

I shopped. I fed the dogs. I went to bed.

I didnt sleep for hours. I tried. I think I got 5 hours before Freya barking woke me up.

I dealt with the dogs. Fed the dogs. Fed me. Back to bed. Tried to sleep.

Showered. Set up an excess washing basket as a bin. Threw out a bunch of stuff. Filled the op-shop bin. My back HURTS. A LOT.

Where my spine meets my pelvis, I feel so much pressure. Like you know, when you go to the dentist and they say, "It won't hurt, you'll just feel some PRESSURE." Like that. My right hip feels contracted. I have a big ball of tangled pain - muscle, tendon - in my right butt cheek way up under. This is the shit I get from sitting down, at work, driving, anywhere. Standing causes pain in my lower back and feet, sitting causes pain in my hip and piriformis, lying down cuts off circulation to my leg and neck pain. Lifting or carrying causes neck, shoulder, and upper back pain, which causes headaches. Typing, writing or holding things in my hands cause pain in the lower arm muscles, finger joints and elbows. If my elbows are bent for more than a minute I lose feeling in my lower left arm into my fingers and pain from my fingertips to my shoulderblade. If I keep my arms straight with weight in my hands I get 'tennis elbow'.

I can do anything, for a few seconds, I can do nothing without pain for more than a few seconds.

[chaoscoffeeandbaddays]

Wes said something to Tim about caring about me and wanting to help. He's full of shit because he's not prepared to even try to understand what led to the situation in the first place. It's 100% my fault the house was like that, Dad's not responsible for the mess my children made in his care because they are my kids so it's my problem. I spent most of a year in bed in too much pain to get up, my kids my problem. I begged Dad to not let them make a mess when he was looking after them because I couldnt keep up because I have chronic fucking illnesses, my kids my problem. When I asked Dad to look after the cats when I went away and he didnt empty a single litter tray, forcing them to pee in random places and leaving the cats pissing all over the house because no matter what you do the smell is always there so they klthink it's an acceptable toilet, my cats my problem. And Emma's done nothing wrong by packing up everything that was covered in cat pee, as though I would want any of it. Everything that's broken, everything that's damaged and everything I had already discussed wasnt coming. And dumped it in my driveway when she thought I wouldnt be home. My kids, my cats, my problem. Has anyone told her, it aint her house yet? She's already taken over the entire upstairs and kicked Mum and Dad out to downstairs. Far out, all the years I was there I wouldnt have dreamed of doing that to my parents. I wouldnt ask or suggest. Once, when Mum was struggling with her mobility, I asked Dad if it might be helpful to them if they move to the downstairs bedroom so that Mum didnt have to struggle with the stairs. He said he didnt want to but it would be much better for her so with her best interests in mind he suggested it to her. She said no. End of discussion. Never brought it up again, because it's purpose was only ever in helping my Mother. She didnt want to move rooms, so that's all there was to be said. Neither of them wanted to be kicked to downstairs and if I was the one buying Emma out, as had always been expected, there's no way I would have moved them downstairs or anywhere if it wasnt what they wanted. The name on the title doesnt give you the right to lose your compassion, humanity and love. All these years of her saying she didnt want to house and wouldnt expect me to pay rent because financially she was comfortable and didnt need it... because of Dad she didnt want anything to do with the house, but the moment he suggested putting it in our names she jumped to claim the position of buying me out and started taking over their lives, controlling their movements and access within thwir own house.

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

[chaoscoffeeandbaddays]

I opened a box and... there was only one thing in it! My Buddha statue ❤️ thank Buddha I can get through 2 boxes! The 2nd box was half rubbish, some notebooks and some paperwork mostly so not hard and I listened to a Matt Rife comedy show while I sorted it out. Isy and Bryce arrived with the big tub of food Tim made for Lola, only stayed a few minutes. But now that I've let them in, fed the dogs and let them out again, I feel bloody exhausted 😩 this it so unreasonable. 20 steps and 5 minutes of standing and my body is fatigued. I took the opportunity to take a Welltory measurement and it's telling me my physiological stress is too high and I need to relax. Honestly, I dont have time for this, but I know if I dont listen to my body I will suffer more. Pain goes up, fatigue goes up, the ability to get anything done goes down. So I'm going to go and lie down, listen to a meditation or naturescape or something and hope that it wony be long before I can get up and achieve the next something 🤞

[chaoscoffeeandbaddays]

Yesterday, between G's behavioural therapy and gym, I got one box unpacked, properly and all put away, and I made winter soup and portioned it up for future meals. I also spent half an hour lying on the bed feeling dizzy, that was unpleasant but my aching hip enjoyed the heat of the electric blanket. While G was at gym I put 2 full baskets or washing through the laundromat, got all the rubbish out and vacuumed the car, and took Freya to the park. I guess it was a productive day. Today I hope to get the washing put away, another box done, my bed made, the dishrack emptied and the dishes washed. I had a shower so I'm feeling pretty wiped out right now but I'm hoping a good breakfast and a guarana will give me a couple more spoons to work with.

[chaoscoffeeandbaddays]

I haven't forgotten. Since my last post, my sister boxed up all my stuff from my parents house so she can move in there, and under the cover of night without a word to me, dumped 5, yes FIVE, SUV carloads of my stuff in my driveway. And when I called her out on how shit that was to do without texting me, she sends this whole effing diatribe on how me being on a single income isnt her fault, me being a hoarder isnt her fault, me being LAZY isnt her fault. Apparently, leaving my stuff there when I was forced to move into a TENT was TAKING ADVANTAGE of my parents. I started moving stuff into a storage unit and even though Dad told me not to and that it could stay, I still did move out what I could fit in the storage unit. I continued paying board for MONTHS after I left because my stuff was still there, until Mum DEMANDED I stop. But yes, I'm 'taking advantage'. She decided she wanted to move in by the end of July but renovate first and I told her straight up that I had my first house inspection June 28th and couldnt move anything before then, I was still unpacking and cleaning my new house right up until the moment the agent arrived for the inspection. I even called in sick the night before and worked through the night to have it ready. My fibro and arthritis make me epically slow. I try my best but I cant just try the pain away.

Anyway, she 'gets' that I have pain but that doesnt excuse me 'making other people wait until I can be bothered'. I dont have a problem with her boxing up my stuff. So its out of her way. I dont have a problem with her bringing it over. I have a big problem with her not saying a word and sneaking over in the middle of the night to leave it all in my driveway. The driveway of my rental, on a main street where my landlord could drive past at any time. Just a simple text it would have been fine and she could have saved both our backs by not bringing the stuff that was to go in the trailer for the tip ( a trailer I couldnt fill with my stuff myself because it was still full of HER stuff).

Mum and Dad are putting the house in mine and my sister's names with a granny-flatting clause, so we can inherit the house while they are alive, not have stamp duty or capital gains tax on it, but we have to keep a roof over their heads the rest of their lives. It doesnt have to be THAT roof, we just have to house them. It surprised me when my sister said she wanted to buy ME out because she had always been clear that she didnt want it. But I'm glad because I could no longer live with Dad and wasnt in a position to buy her out. She asked if she could not pay me out until next year when she came back from Japan and I was like "hey thats fine" she was putting a lot of money to the renovations before moving in so why not have her being able to live rent free for a few months to save up for a nice holiday before having to buckle down under a mortgage. See, once the house is in joint names, if one of us is living there, the other is entitled to their half of the rental value. But she's my sister, I wasn't going to ask her to pay rent to me just because my name is on the title. Besides, I knew it would take me a long time to finish getting my stuff out. I even offered to leave the bed, TV, and a couple of cabinets, so my old room would already be set up as a guest bedroom. She never said no thanks, she actually said "ok, cool." Then, when she dumped everything here, it included those things, things she KNEW were never coming here. But I digress. Half rent for my parents' place would be about what I'm paying for rent in the tiny house I'm in now. It would make my life so much easier. I would be able to afford the physical therapies that I haven't been able to in a long time. It would do wonders for my life and my health. But it was money I wouldn't have had anyway, so I could wait another year to get my health back on track, if it made it easier for her. My only sister.

She doesnt think she's done anything wrong. And is now saying she doesnt want to move in there and she'll tell our narcissistic father that I'm coming back. I dont think that apple fell far from the tree. I cant get it through her head that ALL SHE HAD TO DO WAS TEXT ME TO ASK WHAT TO BRING AND WHAT TO PUT IN THE TRAILER INSTEAD OF SNEAKING AROUND. Now, according to my father and her partner, I'm the one in the wrong. Because I said that's shit and disrespectful behaviour and if she doesnt have enough respect for me to send me a simple text message, why should I give up a year of rental income that's almost as much as I earn in a year. Oh that's right, because it's not HER fault I'm poor.

[chaoscoffeeandbaddays]

I wish I knew if the body aches are causing the headache or if the headache is messing with the body or if they are both just separate symptoms. I mean, it doesn't matter. The treatment is the same -panadol, nurofen, and rest, which is the medical equivalent of thoughts and prayers in its actual impact. Anyway, I managed to sort and put away one entire box 💪😃 it took 2 hours, and it was FULL of documents - photos, certificates, awards, school reports, kids artworks, medical reports, etc. I sorted it into a set of drawers, threw out the rubbish, and even shredded the stuff I was throwing out with personal details. Tonight, I plan to take one drawer to work to scan and upload so I can throw them out. I went to Bunnings on the way home from work and got some wood planks to screw the corner unit into (waiting to borrow a drill), some storage items and these awesome storage box QR code packs that scan to an app to keep all your stuff organised 😀 which will be great for managing all the market stuff. And I went to Coles and got Lola some more canned food, and I bought Isy pancake mix and maple syrup as a treat to make herself today, completely forgetting she had asked for french toast 🤦‍♀️

[chaoscoffeeandbaddays]

I have been so tired. Between work I've been looking after Lola, cooking dinner, and yesterday Emma cleaned mum and dads and left me with a ton more boxes of stuff and furniture. I am glad she did it because she was able to do it much faster and more effectively than I could, but I just got told off at inspection for the amount of stuff outside my house so I had Isy bring some in and start unpacking what she can, like the boxes marked as kids. I did tidy the kitchen and wipe down the bench on Saturday and I cleaned the stove on Sunday. I've had so much trouble sleeping despite the exhaustion so I'm just feeling really unreasonably fatigued 😩

[chaoscoffeeandbaddays]

See, I waited til going to bed and now I dont WANT to write, I'm exhausted and I dont care anymore 😞 so quickly because I dont want to fail already. I wasted the morning on The Sims 😞. Took Isy and Jack to Behavioural therapy, had an NDIS planning meeting for Grace and then went to see Lola. So I didnt get home til like, 5.30pm. I turned fish I had bought in the shopping yesterday into fish fingers (cut, floured, egged, crumbed, fried and frozen). I cooked dinner for Jack and I. Had a long shower, tidied the kitchen (I put the clean dishes away so Jackson could wash the dirty dishes) and put the shelf together. Turns out its not strong enough to stand on its own and I'm not allowed to screw it into the wall so when I get a chance I'll go to Bunnings and buy a couple of planks and screw it to that. Now, I'm going to sleep 😴

[chaoscoffeeandbaddays]

I just got off the phone to SASH. On Tuesday they thought she would be in for a couple more weeks. She wasnt tolerating lowering the oxygen, all her tests were bad, she was 5 days in and still hovering on the edge of putting her on a ventilator or putting her down. They just rang and said hey, we think she might be able to come home tomorrow! She's tolerating low dose oxygen, she's off injectables and onto oral meds, and sheactually ate a little bit herself this morning ❤️🙏😭😁😅🙏❤️🤯😍😍🥳🥳🥹

[chaoscoffeeandbaddays]

I got distracted while cooking dinner. I heard the timer go off on the airfryer and thought 'I'll get to that in a minute and an hour later... anyway, it turns itself off, dinner was just... not hot. But I washed most of the dishes, filled the dish rack. It hurts my back washing the dishes it's just that little bit low, and my feet ache a bit but the foam padding on the floor helps, they still burn though. I got the shopping put away, fed the cats, picked up the poop from in FRONT of the litter tray cos So-so has trauma 🙄, updated my calendar for July, collected my dirty washing from my room and the bathroom and put them in the laundry basket. I got my new shelf out of it's box and tried to put it together but I cant find my screwdriver - I stashed it before inspection last week - and the mini ones in my toolbox I just cant turn once there's any resistance. On the plus side I found my TENS machine. But I'll have to go buy a screwdriver tomorrow so I can finish the shelf. We all know buying a new one is the only way for the old one to turn up and I want to get on with it.

[chaoscoffeeandbaddays]

Today has had plenty of procrastination. I mean, I did work all night so I'm allowed to take it easy today I think. I looked at the diahes and intended to go back to them but tbh I havent yet. I played The Sims for a couple hours (literally just building houses not even living other people's lives), had a shower and lay down on the bed to recover (yes, showering requires recovery time #fibrolife) and fell asleep. I was supposed to go and see Lola at 3pm but didnt drag my ass out of bed til then, of course I did still go and see her, I havent seen her in days, she's finally turned a corner and is picking up, and I picked up my shopping and put petrol in the car. Before the day is out I hope to put my shopping away, wash the dishes and cook dinner. Oh and put my new shelf together, I bought it to make space on my bedside table because Ghost insists on sitting there, staring down at me, dripping drool

[chaoscoffeeandbaddays]

A friend told me she is going to keep at me about keeping my house clean. I have fibromyalgia and arthritis, and ADHD, every day is a struggle with brain fog and pain and distraction. And she wants the best for me. She wants to see me succeed, live independently. She does this out of love. And out of love, for myself, my kids and my amazing friends, I am going to do my best.

I am in the process of going off my antidepressants. I dont believe I have depression any longer. I feel within myself that I have the capacity to FEEL again. And I have felt good through the decreases in dosage. However, it's also for the nerve pain associated with my fibromyalgia so physically I'm struggling. I'm also struggling with my weight. I am the heaviest I have ever been by a very long way. I 'energy seek' with sugar and carbs. I used to get plenty of exercise at my work, easily doing 10,000-15,000 steps a shift and having to walk to and from the train. Now, working somewhere else, I drive and do between 3,000-7,000 steps a shift, so I have to schedule exercise.

So what I am going to try to do, I have journaled before without much success - I crawl into bed at the end of the day and forget for days at a time, is to post here. Not specifically at the end of the day, just whenever. I'm going to post how I'm feeling, how I'm coping, what I've achieved, why I've struggled. I often write notes in my phone, brain dump as it were, and when I'm driving I use the transcriber and just talk and let my phone write it for me, and my phone is full of these notes so I think this posting will work better, where I can brain dump, brag, feel good and feel shit whenever I want instead of on a schedule.