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First, Gone.

I lost him last march 25, 2020. He broke up with me. Napagod, 

Napagod din ako pero wala yun sa nararamdaman ko sakanya, mag hahabol pa din sigurp ako kung ako nanaman nakipag break. mas iisipin ko nanaman siguro siya kesa sa sarili ko. 

For now, i just know na kailangan ko bumawi sa sarili ko. Looking back to this account, nakita ko kung paano ako humabol sa mga taong, hindi naman ako gusto. I am now seeking the Lord. Bawi ko sa sarili ko and bawi ko na din sakanya. I chose my ex multiple times over Him when I was in that relationship, I was so into him that i would do everything just to please him and make him stay. i would always say yes, whether I want it or not, as long as he likes it/ I would always try to please him that I lost myself.

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break up

3rd month official we broke up. 

tama lang yan siguro para mahalin ko muna sarili ko bago mahailn iba.

magiging okay din naman siya diba?

magiging okay din ako kasi may Lord ako. 

pero ang sakit sobra, sobra sobra.

sobra, na hindi na makahinga. 

Mahal ko siya, pero mahal ko ba sarili ko?

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Been Awhile

Hey, it has been awhile since I last put some thoughts here.

Tonight, 9:18 PM, July 16, 2019, I am trying to look for a job. A job that I wish to love, mind says it’s impossible, but faith in Him, says it’s not. 

Back in highschool, andali lang sabihin sa mga kaibigan ko mga plans ko sa buhay, sabi ko tatayo ako ng sarili kong business, ang dali sabihin na maging successful but reality is hitting me right now, hindi talaga siya madali pare.

 Sa ngayon di ko alam gusto ko mangyari sa buhay ko, well gusto ko maging successful pero di ko alam paano process. What I promise to myself right now is that despite of being here in this phase, I will still move forward, mag hahanap pa din ako ng trabaho, ittry mahalin kung ano man maoffer sakin. Alam kong hindi magiging madali yung proseso ng pagiging successful but eventually, with hard work, makukuha ko yun, mag kakaron ako ng sariling apartment, Mag kakaron ng pangalan sa industriyang gugustihin ko mapuntahan, for now gusto ko sa media, Gusto ko mag shoot ng mukha, gusto ko mag shoot ng portraits and fashion. Pero kailangan ko din ng pera, ng maiipon.

9:31 PM

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I miss my daddy

ang saya siguro kung naging close kami

ang saya siguro kung may picture kami together na pwede ko din iupload tapos babatiin ko siya ng Happy Father’s day just like what my friends are doing during a fathers day

ang saya siguro kung buhay pa siya

ang saya siguro bumalik sa nakaraan

tapos pwede palitan ng magagandang karanasan

para sa pagtapos,  pwede balikan

na may ngiti at walang bahid ng kalungkutan

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funny how powerful overthinking is

it can change wanted to unwanted

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tanga

yung dalawang tinuturing kong matalik na kaibigan hinalikan ng lalaking gusto ko sa isang gabi.

alam nila na gusto ko yung lalaki.

tinatry ko pa din maghanao ng butas kung bakit nila nagawa yun, siguro kasi lasing sila, siguro tinry nilang iwasan, siguro siguro siguro tanga nga talaga ako kagaya ng dati.

malulungkot ako pag tinapos ko yung communication ko with this guy kasi gusto ko pa din na chinachat niya ako despite of all the shts that i know about him. 

masaya ako pagkausap siya kahit ang rason naman ay ginagawa niya lang akong pampalipas oras dahil di siya gusto ng gusto niya.

nalulungkot ako para sa sarili ko.

alam mo na kung bakit.

ang lungkot, hindi ko alam kung san ako swerte sa buhay. 

I am in a broken family.

The guy that I like doesn't like me back

My friends kissed the guy that I like.

05/20/18

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HOME

your escape from the cruelty

of people and the society,

Society that changes

from us, to someone unknown.

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i cant imagine surviving my life without you

you're our source of inspiration

you deserve every bits of love we can offer

you are our father

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u give me anxiety

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isang taong makakaintindi

magbibigay kulay sa itim

maghahanap ng rason para sa ngiti

na hindi mahanap sa liwanag ng buwan

kahit isang panaginip

sa hinahangad na pangarap

kahit isang gabi

maibalik lang patak ng natigil na ulan

bulaklak sa puting dingding

hindi maiwasang hindi tumingin

sa pagkabit ay may kasamang ngiti

umaasang ang paglagas ay hindi makamit

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you are the reason why we wake up in the morning

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I seriously have to cover my face every time your name pops up

can i cuss?

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BE YOURSELF

hopefully i don’t change myself just for him to like me. 

scared I might.

positive I won’t.

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CONFESSION

I do wedding photography with unsure mind.

I get scared when people ask me if i really want to be a wedding photographer.

I get excited sometimes, but most of the time, no.

I feel no freedom doing it,

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2018-03-28 (12:22 AM)

I feel like God made me experience hurtful and regretful things because he wants me to learn things for the future, to help people who experience the same things that i did, to uplift people, tell them they can make it. For everything is possible with him.

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<3

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Triptykon af Michael Ancher, Brænding mod kysten, 1884/1885