certainly-not-nice - Tumblr blog

[certainly-not-nice]

To me beloved fandom;

A lot of you know me as PhoenixRose314, Tumblr's fandom mom and ineffable author of Don't Fall Away From Me and There Is A Light & It Never Goes Out. This fandom has been such a source of joy for me and has kept me going through some really difficult and dark times, but right now my world is absolutely falling apart.

Through circumstances beyond my control (health reasons - cancer and anxiety and depression), I was let go from my job a few months ago and my children and I can no longer afford to rent our lovely home in our lovely village. This has been incredibly hard for me to accept but once my lease is up I will have run out of savings and my kids and I will no longer have a place to call our own.

I am famously awful at asking for help, however this amazing fandom has convinced me to start this crowdfunder to try and raise enough money to try and buy a small park home or caravan for myself and the kids. It won't be much, but it will be ours, and nobody can take it away from us. I'm currently in the process of selling all my collectibles, furniture and worldly goods to try and raise some of the money myself, but anything you could donate to give my family some stability would be appreciated from the very bottom of my heart.

You can read more about my story and donate here:

I hate that it has come to this, I feel so much shame and guilt for being in this position, but I better than anyone know that circumstances can change on a dime, and I hope that all the good and kindness (and fanfiction!!) I've put out into the world might come back to me now.

Please share if you can, donate if you can, and thank you for reading.

Phoenix 🌹

[certainly-not-nice]

mrrow. miaow?

- 🐈‍⬛

This feels like a trap. Is there a cat demon? No idea, not one that I can remember anyways. I know there’s a Saint, though. Gertrude? Nice woman, if I remember correctly. Doesn’t seem holy, or cursed either; still. Ngk.

[certainly-not-nice]

What type of snake are you? Venomous? Constrictor? Bitch?

Asking for my notes^^

-🎀🧸

Ignoring that last part, depends on the day. I can be anything, not any particular type but just… a snake. Very snake-y, me. Not exactly looking to be cataloged either, unlike a very unfortunate incident in 1953.

Actually, not ignoring that last part, what would even give you that impression? Everything I do or dress is a part of the whole snake thing, not something else.

Only reason I even dress like that is because it happens to be just in line for going to the Ritz and Aziraphale. I mean going to the Ritz with Aziraphale. Not two separate reasons. One reason. And it’s not for the angel. Only reason is because it’s in the dress code for the Ritz, really.

Yeah, that works.

[certainly-not-nice]

Hey Crowley umm so I assume you probably know what shipping is (unlike Aziraphale but that’s ok I get it he doesn’t understand)

ANYWAYS how do you feel about everyone on this hell site shopping you and calling you guys ineffable husbands?

Just curiousss

Well I wasn’t aware of it, but if everyone’s buzzing about it then it isn’t quite ineffable, no? Not exactly beyond words? Though it’s all complete nothingness, clearly. Most things on the internet are. I actually had a hand in inventing The Onion, though it’s not my fault that people just believe things nowadays.

Nothing at all on the internet is ever true ever and you should not look into any subtext, not that there is any because it’s. Well. Just, it’s untrue!

Now stop looking into things.

[certainly-not-nice]

A little Birdie from st James park told me that you and Mr. Fell from the bookshop are a thing. It that true? Or is he just your bit on the side?

-🎀🎭

A bit on the side? A bit on the side? Now what in the entire universe would give you that lowly of an impression of ‘mIsTeR fElL-‘ even that feels so fancy for someone to still make that assumption.

Ignoring how wholly stupid and illogical that entire idea is, we’re certainly not together either. He’s just. Well, he’s an absolute angel. What’s the saying now? Not in his league, me. Which also means that he has actual standards, for your information. And that certainly excludes just being someone’s bit on the side

[certainly-not-nice]

It's all my fault. I'm so sorry. I accidentally told upper management/ the "head" Angels that Muriel said that they were rude and cruel and I got her sent down to earth. I swear I didn't mean to.

-🪞

Sure, fine, apology accepted or whatever. Just stop sending random angels to SoHo. More work than I would like.

[certainly-not-nice]

Hey @angelic-upper-management, if you could please stop sending unwanted angels to SoHo specifically? Or, well I guess you aren’t directly sending them, but any way to prevent them from coming here? I swear the bookshop is like a magnet for this trouble. @all-tickety-boo keeps taking them in and I can’t stop him, curse his heart.

We’ve handled your archangel and now someone else that We Aren’t Talking About. Stop. Sending. Your. Problems.To. Our. Door. Step. I’m a demon, you don’t know I won’t do something evil to a hereditary enemy. I can still bite people! Wait, scratch that. That’s not the image I’d like to paint for myself. I can still hurt things through various means, like… I don’t know. Scratch the whole analogy, you get the point.

[certainly-not-nice]

Oi! Muriel is on Earth. They got sent down here. They have no idea what they're doing, please go help.

Sent??? Last time another renegade angel got sent down to Earth, things were far from the peaceful existence I tried quite hard to carve out for me and @all-tickety-boo. There’s only one angel that gets the time of day to go and shoot off in my Bentley to go and ‘save the day.’

Did they piss off upper office again? Because I’m certainly not dealing with it, and I’m sure Aziraphale will tell you the same thing. Wait, shit. He wouldn’t. He would absolutely say yes, it’s how we got into the whole Jim situation. Don’t go to Aziraphale, he’d absolutely say no so don’t even waste the time of day. Go ask Nina or something, I’m sure she’d be quite helpful. I have no idea what her reaction would be.

[certainly-not-nice]

I’m now very curious as to what these controversial Jane Austen takes Aziraphale has…..

He talks about it a ton, though I’m usually too drunk to remember much about all the posh characters and their flour-as-spice plots by the time he gets to them. I do know that he feels pretty strongly about Pride And Prejudice being far too overrated compared to her other works, though he always clarifies that he still loves that book too.

A bit ago, there was a tiny rise in sales of her other books that he was quite thrilled about. Nothing to do with anything though, sheer chance really. Not even a miracle, but if it was, it wasn’t a good one. Not an evil one either I suppose, but just a neutral event. Unrelated. To anything. At all. Ngk.

[certainly-not-nice]

Mr certainly not nice, what is Aziraphale's username?

Well it certainly wouldn’t be @all-tickety-boo, that’d be far too obvious. Who even still uses ‘tickety boo?

[certainly-not-nice]

Hello, I’m only here because I put Aziraphale on the internet and I’d like to make sure he isn’t smited for posting controversial takes on Jane Austen or something along those lines. Does anyone other than him even still read those books?

Doesn’t matter. I’ve also seen Beelzebub spreading dissent under @hellish-lower-management or whatever around here, don’t trust what she says.

If you really have questions, ask me and I might respond. But not because I’m not or anything, just keeping things fair. My job as a demon. Who is evil. And does evil. Because I’m evil.