cbabbthegreat-blog

[cbabbthegreat-blog]

when u try to find hope but their is none to find

i always try to look on the bright side but sometimes it tires me, if the confusion in my head passed nd the vioces left, if my mum nd siblings wernt sick nd depresses and if everyone was happy would i still find something to moan about? maby one day amber will get out of hospital and ill have some where of my own to live and i can take my wedding and my life of hold, maby then i might stop moaning, when i find time in my liffe to moan, damb it, im gunna moan all i like!

[cbabbthegreat-blog]

bambi

i know my bambi is so far away

i cant put it into bmthe pain is to hard to say

the thought that she might die

is really what i fear

the thoughts and vioces are so loud

but i still hear the falling of each tear

sometimes i wont cry

just sit and ask the reason why

why is it this happened to us

i think it really is unjust

why wont they let us be

live our lives alone

just my bambi and me

not just on the phone

but near enough to hold

to see her smiling face each day

but it just didnt happen that way

and it really is not fair

but i try to find the hope some where

deep down in my heart

that one day in the future

we will not be apart

[cbabbthegreat-blog]

TODAY IS MY 27 BDAY, NEARER AND NEARER TO 30,

DYING DOESNT SCARE ME BUT AFTER LIFE DOES, IT SCARES ME THAT THEIR WILL BE NOTHING, IT SCARES ME THEIR COULD BE HELL, AND IT SCARES ME THAT ILL BE FORGOTTEN, WITCH EVENTUALLY, I WILL BE, XXX

[cbabbthegreat-blog]

this is a poem about the confusion and horror that was my brain just before i was diagnosed and sectioned with psycosis x

i dont know

much about anythingmy head i go to sleep

not a peep

my head is scared

i feel weired

no one to help

mr policemanplese arrest me

no one can get in

and i cant escape

its been 10 years

since the rap

ill track ‘em down

and make ‘em drown

kill om all now

sufficate them

with a towl

help help

i can’t make sense of it 

all these vioces

all these chioces

but really none of it

is my chioce really

but weirdly

i cant think 

with every blink

i beg them to leave my head

or i’ll end up dead

do i want to die

will it get me away from this

my oh my

im sinking into darkness

what can spark this

emotional turmiol

rapped in tinfiol

when i got dragged out 

of the stream

who is reall

is any one reall

imscared satans gunna take me

and not let me 

see my mum

well they have

one

[cbabbthegreat-blog]

this is a poem about my dirty heroin filled step dad

mum, first you had an alchey then a druggie,

you may have been in love, but i was you’r child

can you not see?

that really wasnt the best for me

i would have preffered a complete aragont arse 

or even someone with a library pass

any one would have been better

so now i write you this letter

they took away what little childhood i clung to

and really for having them in my lifr

i really do blame you

the druggie was worse

a life time curse

he’s dirsty, smells, and sticky like honey

i only see him when he wants money

how could you bring him into my life

a roof is the only reason he wanted a wife

i hope he falls  sleep in the gutter

ill grease his body with butter

and slip him into a little grave

and apon his grave ill dance and rave

he ruined the life of me and all his children

he’s probably used the needles of a thousand men

why would you choose him,

how could you stay

how could you let him treat us this way?

it’s  not your fault though

how could you know

quick, he aint looking

lets just go!

[cbabbthegreat-blog]

this is a poem i’ve written about my dad not believing about the abuse i endured for so very long

 you left me as a baby

wern’t their when they weighed me

when i popped through 

no one stopped you

you don’t care still

when i gave them a thrill

as a youngster

amoungst ‘er

in all the other kids

i was the crazy one

the strange one

went to theropy 

when i was seven years

my eyes didn’t glisten 

would have known if you’d listened

i can forgive you though

but you don’t believe me though

how can you think i’d lie

about something so horrible

at thirteen i tried to die

you said they wouldnt forgive me

easily

im so sour

like a lime 

how can you say that they need time

how can you even think that

and now im

getting fat

cause i comfort eat 

and coulor sheep

just to distract me

from exactly

what i try to hide

all the pain inside

cause i hate it 

you wont talk about 

makes me want to shout

help!

why wernt you their

when mum found out

she was their 

but you didnt care

you were so wrong

you didnt believe

i now wear my heart on my sleeve

i’ve never gotten over it

always in my head

like a nit

and i want them dead

wait, no i don’t

i want torture

gunna give her 

every scar ive got

but i love you though

get away

out of my head

i want ya both

DEAD!

[cbabbthegreat-blog]

this poem is also dedicated dedicated to my amber as many i write are, it is called ‘i am happy because’

i am sad because i am alone 

i am sad because you are not free to rome i am sad because of death and pain

because of our pain

and i am sad because you love the rain and their is no rain

and i am sad because i am crying 

and i am crying because i am sad

and i am sad because your not here

i am sad because i see the homeless 

and because without you i dont fit so i feel homeless

and because i feel homeless

i am helpless

and i am sad because of god and war

and because i feel like their is no god 

just one big war

i am happy because you have beautiful big blue eyes

i am happy because when you look up we see the same blue eyes

i am happy because you are always in my heart

i am happy beccause i always remember your curly ginger hair

i am sad because you have the most wonderful cheekbones

and i cant touch them

but i am happy because theyre still their

i am happy because youre wonderful thin lips have a cherubs bow

i am happy because once we gave you corn rows

i cry beccause that makes me happy, and sad, or maby i dont know how it makes me feel

only that i am crying

i am happy because one day we’ll be two normal people walking through the crowd

and i am happy because walking and being seen with you makes me proud, 

i am happy because of you, xx

[cbabbthegreat-blog]

this is a poem dedicated to my fiance who i met in a pychiatric hospita, we both got out but a year ago she had a break down and has been taken afar. its called amber.

when the dandilions have blossomed

and the skies are filled with the bees they bring

thats when i think of you

and when they startto die of 

and are turned into magical wishy things,

thats when i think of you

when the cobwebbs freeze in the frosty freeze

thats when i think of you

then when its warm again 

and the feilds are filled with the sun god sends

thats when i think of yhou,

and when the grass is wet with due

despite the morning sunshine

thats when i think of you

and when i cycle up the road with the wind in my face

and i can feel gods grace

thats when i think of you

and my mind wonders from the sun and the cold and the windy air

and i know that beyond the winding roads and and

and trees and fairs

and i know that over miles of bumps and roads and roundabouts 

you are their, somewhere

and when im tucked up in bed and i cant sleep

i look at the stars that you see to

and i know that you miss me just as i miss you to

and when i see you i thinkof all the windand the rain and the sun and all the rest

and i know that i have been blessed

and when i look into those beautiful big blue eyes

i know that this moment

is the best.

[cbabbthegreat-blog]

this is a poem about when i was suicidle and woke up in hospital

oh shit i’m alive 

i didnt think i would be

ive woken up to a fait worse than death

really truly my lungs have breath

i did buy and tak’em all

had 4 packs of paracetomal

i look to my side

theirs my mum tryin to hide 

her pain

i grabbed her thumb

she looked so shocked 

that my faith was knocked

i try to remember

what is this day

how long have i been this way

doctor asks if ill do it again

but the questions not if, its when

ill not tell’em though

i try to sit up slow

my arms are weak my head is faint

blood thick like paint

i grab the bowl puke starts a rowl

from my throat and onto the floor

i try to gasp but here comes more

nurse ignores this

thinks i deserve this

mum gives my head a kiss

when i fell asleep i was peaceful, happy

no more sadness

no longer angry

no more thoughts of abuce

no more substance missuse

no more voices and no more screams

maybe one day i will be dead 

in my dreams!

[cbabbthegreat-blog]

this is my poem about the person who abused me as a child x

can i kill ya yesterdao 

or today 

well i will do any day any way

any how

any way

why shouldnt i let your blood dry

youve had a decent life

youve had a lot of fun

youll have no hair no but

cause ill shave it- off

your a descrace now

youve got a monnobrow

i tried to laugh i tried to joke

 really i just wanna make you-choke!

but im in mental pain

torcher

sad

youve gone and made me mad

gunna shoot ya

cause i hate ya

after what you did 

to me as a kid

because of you im distraught...sad

you may think im bad but she knows im mad

and sad

youll go up in the world 

and ill go down 

and insane

but ive got a brain  gunna grab u by the throat 

and make u drown

but ive got amber now

im a zombie now

have been for many years

better run screaming 

no tears

no fears

if i can 

ill run after ya

and i will

grab ya ma

no fear

no man

ill take amber and brand her

you bastards your all retards

and when your gone

we’ll be sure

youll be stunned

and gunned

down

away from earth

we’ll make birth

we’ll play polo

never solo

she can seduuce me 

together we’ll beat bruce lee

im not joking

when ive said 

youre dead!