catrobins

[catrobins]

I’m bored

[catrobins]

Constantly here for you, consistently here for you, here so much I’m hidden in plain sight. I’m still here, I’m standing right here.

[catrobins]

I feel numb

[catrobins]

Feeling flat, 2D, nonexistent, nothing but everything, I fill every corner, every crevice, my skin stretches so far it wraps around my body continuously until I suffocate, gasping, grasping in every direction making me have no direction at all. I am small but yet so heavy that I melt into the floor, chipping all of the foundations around me. No escape, just a cycle that gets rescyled when you take a breath. It repeats, bends back on its self, relapses. Sweetheart don’t be a bother, people will leave you if you’re sad. Smile smile till your cheeks hurt and your teeth fall out or rot away and your eyes bleed because you can’t blink fearing that a tear might escape. Be fake be a fraud be a friend be a girlfriend, obey, sit, stand, sit, stand, bills to pay so you’ve got to stay, just let your mind melt away, it’s okay, this is just the price we pay.

This is what it is to be depressed

[catrobins]

I blame myself for everything, fuck that some things aren’t my fault. I’m too understanding and I’m not angry enough. I need to be more angry and give myself permission to be angry

[catrobins]

I feel fat I just wanna be skinny and feel healthy and intelligent and sexy and wanted and respected and pretty and just fucking happy bro

[catrobins]

I think I’m really insecure at the moment. I need to find myself again lol sounds so cringe but I need to find myself and my own happiness

[catrobins]

I feel nothing again

[catrobins]

[catrobins]

[catrobins]

I’m actually in a good place

[catrobins]

K I’ve learnt tonight that life is too short. DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN EVEN IF YOURE NERVOUS ABOUT IT

[catrobins]

I feel like I don’t have a dad sometimes. It’s so forced. I love him so much, we just don’t know how to show it

[catrobins]

I hate being home

[catrobins]

I actually can’t do this

[catrobins]

Every person in my life has let me down. I’m terrified that you’ll be next. And that’s a lot of pressure for someone

[catrobins]

I’m so confused at myself. I feel like I’m two people sometimes. I’m so happy, I really am but then there’s another part of me, the part of me that I only see. My own company. The part of myself that wants me dead. It tells me I’m unwanted, unimportant and unseen. Sometimes someone can hurt you so much that you don’t hurt anymore. Until you’re reminded of that feeling again and it all come flooding back. That feeling of being unseen. People only see you in a way that is comfortable for them.

I get triggered when I feel abandoned or unwanted. By anyone, even if it’s seemingly unintentional. I go from feeling nothing or happy even, to trying to hurt myself by putting boiling hot spoons on my skin, or trying to cut myself while thinking about how I want to die. I stopped myself from cutting, because I couldn’t bare to think about what lukas would think if he saw them. I could hide them so easily before but lukas would see it. How can I explain something I don’t understand myself. I don’t want him to feel burdened when the littlest thing goes wrong. I want to tell him everything but yet nothing at all simultaneously. There is still so much he doesn’t know. I don’t know where to begin sometimes and whenever I do try and open up it feels forced and unnatural. I wish he could just know without me telling him. I really do because I can never find the right words. Or begin to explain the inner workings of my mind and why I tick the way I do. I never want him to feel responsible because he’s not at all. He’s the best part of myself and I love being loved by him and loving him. I don’t understand why I want to hurt myself and why I have thoughts of passing away so vividly.