castingoutreelingin-blog-blog
Casting Out and Reeling In
I'm more of a pen-to-paper guy, but this seems to be adequate.
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Dammit
I know that sigh. That's the sigh of (severely) wanting what I can't have.
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Uggghhhh. Jeez, can I just not want that type again? It would be nice, and make this whole unavailable thing not an issue.
Probably not.
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I'm telling myself that there's no use. That she's unavailable.
And yet...
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Waiting and waiting and
waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting
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Old Friend, New Adventures, Good Times
I had a real treat today and got to see an old friend from london that I hadn't seen for 2 years. I think for once I'm just going to let things play themselves out, though, rather than make an issue or anything (that probably sounds cryptic, but I'm not writing this for you.) Either way, I've seen that if someone wants to be around you and you want to be around them, they'll help make it happen and not make you feel guilty about it.
But I realized something today that I hadn't really understood. I realized I was happy. Not content, mind you- there's things i want to improve- but I'm happy. Before I studied abroad, I'm not totally sure I would have said that about myself. Which really leads me to the idea/point that study abroad changed me so much. I mean, it was literally life-changing. I came back so different.
Now, Im in Texas, 2 hours from everywhere, but surrounded by opportunities. It's like study abroad, minus the funny accents- these are more like dialects. I want to say that ending up @Texas A&M was a terrible thing, to be somewhere so conservative and "backwards." But to be honest, it's not. I love the tradition, the atmosphere of A&M. Winthrop was what I needed to grow and find my place, and it looks like A&M is the perfect mix of school and "research". I also see that some people aren't as lucky as me and had to settle for somewhere, and while I did settle, it was within what I found acceptable.
I'm just so happy to be with people who seem to enjoy my company. That's not something I have always felt, regardless if it's actually true. I've got friends from my programs, a friend in Waco (we'll see if there's ever anything else added onto that). I'm happy, and that's something that I think I would do well to remind myself of every once in a while.
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South of Broad is a very docile read.
By that, I mean it does not leave the reader feeling as though his or her soul has been crushed by the books tragic events. Typical Conroy, typical Southern tragedy, but atypical in that we are expected to care deeply about a very large cast of characters, while only receiving the narrators point of view. Compared to say, The Prince of Tides, where it is primarily the narrators life that we care about, or The Lords of Discipline, where we care about the narrator and to a lesser extent his few friends. The twist is a little forgotten and less important, as well.
Though, the story is very neat at the end. Not everything is laid out, but a little imagination lets you know everything will be fine.
Overall, a fine book. Not worth writing home about, but less dysfunctional than other Conroy books.
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I have no idea how to feel about this person. I feel really disrespected, and treated like I was just "handy". Part of me thinks this person is just total shit. But another part of me wants to not hate her and say "well, she doesn't have her life figured out like you do, and you are leaving, so you shouldn't be upset."
But I am. I really liked this person. And they suddenly just pulled away from me like I had the plague. And it freaking sucks, because it seems a week earlier, she couldn't be around me too much.
I don't know how I feel. Part of me wants to act nice, but part of me wants to obliterate her very existence from my mind.
Though, I've tried that before, with varying degrees of success....
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Honestly, I am just freaking ready to be in a relationship. I want another person. Sick and tired of being alone. I just want to have someone else. Geez.
Ok, over.
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Please, never ask for my opinion if you're going to be upset with what I have to say.
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Highs and Lows
I feel like I'm not worth your trouble
Like I'm not worth your time.
I'm a downer for you, I sure.
I can't be anything good.
You care about me?
Why?
I'm in a valley of highs
With sharp peaks of lows
Who am I, but gone tomorrow?
Why waste your time, your heart on me?
I was good. I was relaxed. I was happy.
It was smooth sailing, without a care.
It made me smile, laugh, and hope.
But then I said
Something out of place
And
Everything
Seemed to Change.
I was constantly worried
Nervous
I shook when I saw you.
I was afraid to speak to you.
Old habits returned.
I thought you would
Run away.
You should have,
It would have saved me
the Misery of falling for you;
Made your life easier to live.
But I couldn't let you go. You were too much of a fit.
I look at you and I just feel happy. You remind me of everything
She never was.
But old habits don't die.
They return with a painful, searing itch
That cascades down my arm.
I scratch, scratch, scratch
Hoping you'll lay your hand on me and tell me to stop.
Tell me that there's nothing to worry about.
Tell me that everything- you, me, us, tomorrow-
Will all be fine. That no storm is too great to weather.
That you like the rain, and that we should embrace it.
But you won't.
Because you don't know that internal strife.
Because when I said that I was sad to leave,
You didn't know
I meant I was sad
To leave
You
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I need to not get attached to people I'm about to leave...Heart, just stop it. Please, please, please stop
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I'm in such a great mood! #lies #alllies
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Life was so much easier without thinking about someone else.
Dammit, why'd she have to have the same name as my ex?
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Stressed? Who's stressed? I'm just scratching my skin off...
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Didn't think I could get so mad that I WANT to do homework.
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