carbon-architectures

[carbon-architectures]

Listen/purchase: canker sore by magnolia + the axioms

[carbon-architectures]

sonnet

beyond the fields of unforgiven bliss i rob the branch of all it’s ovaries i leave my hope behind inside the mist the pulchritude of lonely cherry trees when mouths cannot contain another thought and fruits are not so ripe that they can stay i ponder on the phrase i have forgot i cannot seem to find another way

i wash my face with honey and my blood i duck at opportunities so raw while smoke escapes the balconies above my breath returns; my teeth begin to thaw my pockets fill with other people’s eyes i say that i will fold at the sun rise.

[carbon-architectures]

sappho

i.

grazing these streets, slowly combing your hair, all the places i did drugs and fucked strangers and shed my childhood until it was so unrecognizable that it couldn’t be characterized by a feeling of innocence rather the absence of experiences

i am still a kid.

i got my first shitty tattoo last night in adams morgan. a year and a half had passed since i got drunk– and let’s just be clear, i didn’t ever get drunk like an adams morgan girl talking about “where are we even going? can you call my phone?”– no, i got drunk like an apocalypse.

but last night, i got tattooed like an adams morgan girl.

i am still a kid.

and undeniably, in everything i do, innocent.

there’s something in my stomach. i hate being alone. i am still a kid. and i want to go home.

listening to some estranged ballad in dupont circle last summer. surrendering and taking the bus today. nothing’s on purpose exactly. i’m lost in my room.

and i am still a kid.

ii.

“that’s hardcore”

something like that. there is a place for you in all your wilting flowers because i don’t want to lose any more friends.

there is a place for you and your flowers in my home if i could find it.

iii.

“it’s useless trying to bend a stubborn heart”

stop it.

“the ones i have helped hurt me most.”

stop it. not right now. not on the train. i’m annotating sappho, and not to be sad on this fucking train. i’m annotating sappho, and it’s because i want girls to come up to me. what are you doing here?

“and they laughed–the immortal gods.”

do you ever shut up?

“i want darling, to hug you”

and there’s the name. i wrote it, this has nothing to do with sappho

the name which found itself in my mouth.

a song i wrote, for someone. we just started talking again, why do i let myself do this

how sad is it that i thought i was in love, and only because i wasn’t being paid to fuck someone.

“i want to give you a hug when i see you.” they said, “i’m going to be nervous though.”

so simple and sweet. so undeniable. i traced their body with the tenderness i couldn’t reserve for myself. if only i could take it from them.

and if only they could take it with them as well.

there will be other people. yeah, i know.

“are you forgetting me?”

iv.

i can’t find it. it’s somewhere in my phone. i don’t know if sappho wrote it or i did. something along the lines of:

“i was lost and so were you and when the dust settled we were somehow found in each other or at least finding somewhere”

either me or sappho, put it more eloquently.

[carbon-architectures]

one, one hundred

you ripped me open like an animal and replaced each of my organs with flowers and i prayed they would grow tortured and drowning in melodrama

i grew angry at the people that would cry in public and surrender when they couldn’t take it anymore all i wanted was to collapse into that particular mourning pool of crying like there was no place you could stop

i found myself there last summer i was not weak i walked home and now i wish i could have danced with my shadow under the streetlights

i’m ok. i wasn’t crying for me. it was all for you. it always will be.

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et cetera

are you proud of my casket? are you satiated now that you've told me how you feel?

that on its own is a thought, one as complete as you and me and still i continue

are you angry with me? am i pretty now that you've laid me down ahead the eyes of g-d when she stole me from your ribs crafted me with all my excessive intricacies

are you still confused? she forbid moses from entering the holy land and that rock cried with unending sympathy and while i perished in my melodrama my disease started and ended without my say

the hills fell over i collapsed into remorse and found myself amongst the watered down specifics of when and where and who was to be blamed and this obsessive evolutionary need for comfort lives in spite i can't justify my grief or wisdom or lack thereof or the idea that i could continue and here i am in all my glory and wisdom and I never want to go home

[carbon-architectures]

darling

i think you might be the most perfect girl i've ever seen and i'm sorry that hearing that from me does not bring you anything in between longing and overcompensation i am somewhere find me, darling

i'll always be a secret an abuse to your character an anecdote of something mysterious and inexplainable a mistake

i hope i can at least reside in your notebooks, dear

and there, i will be cherished with all your words of confusion i'll leave before the sunrise i'm still tired it was so irresponsible for me to fall for you in this way and i know it's unrealistic for you to be unabashed by me

all i ask is that you think of me sometimes