Can't open a book to study-definitely a curse-Himawari-23-gemini-INFP-this is a I cant study blog~follow me along in my struggle
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I think I have a problem...
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Sappho being relatable in 2020
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Welp guys,
Now I know why some old people are so Bitter , today was my third day at my very first job, it's a nine to six office job , it could be much worse and I know it, Because both my parents are heavy machinery/factory workers, yet today I couldn't stop crying, like I just couldn't stop! And just thinking about that this is it, the rest of the future ... when im home at seven I don't have the energy to do anything even eating when I should be studying and finishing my degree
I'm sorry but this is simple maths if I don't have the time to do anything that brings me joy there is no point in living anymore
Just ranting,
Thank you to anyone who read up this point and listened
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The uh ,,
The wing ?tutorial? Featuring many examples and little to no explanation
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Goals for October:
- study for my anthropology exam (nov 1)
- study for my civil rights exam ( oct 31 )
- had read caliban and the witch by oct 30 )
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September Affirmation (Donāt Be Afraid) by Keaton St. James
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I am very happy to announce to the blue void of tumblr that I did pass that economics exam
May all the luck be with you for your next examĀ
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i may not have any thoughts or brain cells but that doesn't mean my head is empty. its actually full of those glow in the dark stars you stick on your ceiling.
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100 days of productivity
6-7/100
Welp
- i did make an habit tracker for the summer months
- finally did the wardrobe change for summer( well still doing it really) there was no spring this year lol
Song of the day :
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4-5/100 days of productivity
I
Im
I'm putting out in the world that by this time next year I'll have graduated
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i watch a lot of documentaries. listen to a lot of npr. i just like learning, and iām good at it when itās presented in the right way.
i think i was in forth grade when i figured out i am stupid. thatās what happens, right? undiagnosed kid gets put inĀ āthatā math group. like we didnāt notice we were the bottom of the class.
over and over lately, i notice more when the world-before mentions that thereās a possibility of a plague, and that we would be entirely unprepared. it feels like bad foreshadowing in one of those disaster movies. the documentaries talk a lot about the economy, a wobbly side effect.
my teacher calls me and asks if iāve actually done the work yet, but i havenāt. i have a video game up in another tab because i canāt sit still and listen to the other faces on the screen without keeping my hands busy. i still find myself zoning out completely, even when i want to be listening.
the documentary i am watching talks about the science of learning. cheerily, it assures me that the nature of the human brain is to love encoding information. later, when reading the book iāve been assigned, i feel myself unable to grasp how letters work. i read and reread and reread and reread the same six sentences. my brain feels disconnected from itself. i feel like all activities happen somewhere in the swamp of my mind; inaccessible and cruel.
when this started, i called my brother.Ā āiām going to flunk out of school,ā i said.Ā āi know it. i can feel it. this is going to be extremely bad for me.ā
i get an email from another student - sorry. i am being stupid lately. i canāt think.
the documentary suggests that we will all adapt, and overcome. i cry to my mom. i havenāt been writing. i donāt know if i can anymore. i donāt know what my future looks like. how selfish to only be worried about that - how my grief feels like a huge shifting animal, angry and sad, unable to process the global but guilty at processing the personal instead.
my therapist is late to the zoom appointment because she canāt figure out the software, but we make it work. youāve always been a smart girl,Ā she says. youāre going to be okay.
i watch another documentary. i listen to another podcast. i ignore the emails iām supposed to send and the work iām supposed to be doing. i donāt read and i donāt sleep and i donāt adapt. i am back in fourth grade. i am at the bottom of the class. i am holding my hands out and saying - itās getting bad.
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About ten years ago I decided that the next step I needed to take in my life was to accept and explore what it meant to be a failure and to have failed. This infuriated almost everybody in my life and clearly terrified a lot of people. People do not want you to accept failure. They dont want you to likeā¦ Sit with and think about it and pick it up and turn it arpund in your hands and really examine it. They want you to keep throwing yourself against the impossible walls until your body explodes! They do not want you to say āalright then, Iāve failed. What does that mean for me? Im still here. What does the life of someone who has failed look like?ā
This makes people very angry and panicky.
My mental health improved in ways it had not in the previous DECADE once I stopped. And. Sat. With failure. And thought about what my failure ā¦ Was. And looked at the structures that produced it and examined them critically.
It is so taboo to fail and admit it openly and talk about it. It is so taboo to talk about or think about failure in an accepting way rather than hiding it shamefully until you experience a degree of success in some area which allows you to present the past failure as āa stepping stoneā to your current situation. Fuck that. We are put in positions of guaranteed failure by society every day and then punished and shamed for it. Lets fucking talk about failure
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The guilty procrastinator
3/100 days of productivity
This is mee, this is how I'm supposed to beee nooow
Interesting things I did today:
Ate half an apple pie, thank you mom
Read drarry fic
I do like reading, if only I could open up a textbook
Took a stroll outside, yay āļø
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meirl
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The adventures of a procrastinator
100 days of productivity 2/100Ā
5/20/2020
my alarm actually went off at five am because i thought i could do more that way but in the end i fell asleep again and woke at 8:30
Now, I have this problem where I forget what I did during the day if I don't take any notes and now is seven pm, my therapist says that's because I'm not emotionally attached in the moment welp
Definitely read fic and worried for my economics exam, also listened to music while cooking French toast again ( I'm one of those people who eat only one thing for a few days and then can't stand it anymore for like a year)
Poured down my feelings on some poor piece of paper
Today in YT rabbit hole news : I've spent a considerable amount of the day watching dark academia videos ( at least my day are themed?)
In productivity news, I did make a skeleton outline for the next seven days, the question is will I follow it
I've decided I can count this blog post as an exercise in writing in English ( yay I'm dong something )
If just had the same energy for studying as I do creating sub folders on my š»
Tomorrow I'll try and do better~~( let's see how many times I can say that to myself)
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me but with studying
me: ugh i never have any time to write
*goes on tumblr for hours, makes aesthetic moodboards and gifsets, picks up a book from my tbr and puts it back down 17 times, stares at a blank document for hours, canāt focus for shit*
me:
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