canineborderline

[canineborderline]

You call me "good" And something wilts in me Something dies Rots and recoils Caves in on itself I feel like I've fooled you too I'm not like you I could never be like you I wish I could be like you

[canineborderline]

I keep having dreams where I'm running from myself He's bigger and harder to ignore And he's faster than I could ever be now And he reminds me of everything I've done I don't think he's trying to kill me Just become me

[canineborderline]

I wish I could speak without cotton filling my mouth And the blood flowing out And pooling in my hands And the cotton balls are soaked I can only taste the iron It's so strong it makes me sick And the blood keeps pooling The blood keeps pooling

[canineborderline]

“Why cant you just control it”

I WISH I FUCKINH KNEW I WISH I KNEW WHY I ACT LIKE TJIS I WISH I KNEW WHAT I DID SO WRONG TO DESERVE THIS ILLNESS I WISH I WAS NORMAL I WISH I KNEW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON INSIDE MY HEAD AND WHATS FUCKINH WRONG WITH ME IM FUCKING TERRIFIED OF MYSELF ITS NOT THAT EASY I WISH I COULD “CONTROL IT”

[canineborderline]

bpd is so funny because why do i start splitting by triggering MYSELF 😭

[canineborderline]

Come a little closer so I can bite you

We will see then how you lash out

Remind me again how the love that seems pure

Always turns violent

Vile

Bloody

Rotted

Don't fucking look at me like I'm accessible

I'll eat you alive

I'll dance with you under floodlights

I'll see who you really are

I'll dip you and tilt your head back

And I'll go for the throat

How dare you think you can touch me

Please don't try to hurt me too

[canineborderline]

my anhedonia is eating me alive so i’m making these mental illness memes to cope

[canineborderline]

I feel fucking violent today.

[canineborderline]

I notice that when you say you support all disorders (especially if you clarify supporting disorders like npd & aspd or paraphilic disorders) people seem to assume a lot of things, anywhere ranging from that you don't think the abuse some specific person with said disorder perpetrated is real all the way to YOU must be one of the people with that disorder that is abusive/predator/etc.

So, in the name of clearing things up, here's what it ACTUALLY means and doesn't mean when someone says they support xyz disorder

It does NOT mean:

-Being fine with or supporting harmful actions anyone with the disorder does/ excusing it because of their disorder

-Dismissing the abuse or other harm anyone with the disorder has caused/ believing that all people with it are innocent and anyone talking about being hurt by someone with it is lying

-Being okay with the romanticization/glorification of or romanticizing/glorifying the disorder

-The person defending people with the disorder has it themselves. Just because YOU would not defend a group when their issues don't affect you doesn't mean no one will.

-Believing everyone with the disorder "deserves a second chance" or "can and will get better" including after they have harmed others (and therefore deserve no backlash for their actions), because of their disorder- generally when people say they support people with other disorders it's not assumed they believe this is true, as everyone with a disorder are different individuals and not all of them want to be helped, and disorders don't excuse hurting people, why would that change for these?

What it DOES mean:

-Believing all people deserve access to treatment for their disorder and to be able to get help for it without getting backlash for that

-Believing the disorder as a whole does not deserve to be stigmatized as it makes it less likely people with it will seek help or be willing to be open about their disorder with anyone, and therefore will not learn to cope with potentially harmful symptoms, making it more likely they will hurt themselves or others

-Believing the disorder as a whole should not be associated with or equated with horrible groups of people such as abusers, predators, rapists, serial killers, etc.

-Believing the disorder deserves to have easily accessible and accurate resources on it so those who cannot go to therapy for one reason or another, or who are questioning having the disorder, have things for them that will be helpful

-Believing people with the disorder deserve support and support groups to help them through their journey and healing just like anyone with any other disorder

Hope this helps <3

[canineborderline]

Violence has always been such a casual thought for me. I've never acted on it aside from a few moments as an angry, edgy teen, or on inanimate garbage objects. I don't feel like this sort of thing is normal to feel apathetic about. I know better than to act on it. I understand it hurts others. Part of me can't wrap my head around how serious it is. I keep violent thoughts to myself because I know it could scare people I care about. They're still there. I still feel the need. I don't know if it's the repressed anger. I don't know if the anger has burned into something that just feels like a constant for me. I don't want to want this. I want help. Even if I never actually hurt anyone. I want to understand why people feel the way they do about violence. I want better cognitive empathy.

[canineborderline]

Never Again

You broke me.

I won’t deny it.

An abundance of pieces,

I had to put back together.

But I did.

It won’t happen again

If you try to touch me,

You will bleed

On my jagged edges.

I have taken my body back.

You tried to make it yours.

Never again will you hurt me.

Any attempts will leave you

In pieces

Like you left me.

And when you are

Sobbing, on the floor

Shaky, covered in blood

Asking me why.

I will look at you so sweetly.

I will reassuringly shh your sobs.

And then I will tell you

“Because you asked for it”.

[canineborderline]

There’s a mixture of pain and adoration.

Journal Entries

[canineborderline]

Been thinking about this...

[canineborderline]

Gnawing on my arms and hands. It’s happening again and I need my teeth against skin. I need contact. I need to get into a brutal fight or have someone beat the tar out of me. The overstimulation and understimulation is back and forth and so much. The lights are bright. I need to lay down. GAHHH

[canineborderline]

Cuteness aggression but actually I love this person so much that I want to rip my chest open. I feel so much I could explode and I want to get it OUT SO I CAN BREATHE BUT GOD THE SUFFOCATION IS SO ADDICTING.

[canineborderline]

Maybe I’m purposely humiliating myself.

Maybe I’m purposely looking weak.

Maybe I deserve these things as punishment.

[canineborderline]

I feel more like a tool than a human. I feel like I need to be handcuffed and muzzled so I don’t hurt myself or others.