candaceandbentleysgreatadventure

[candaceandbentleysgreatadventure]

It’s been 2 and a half years….

Let me catch you up. I FINALLY quit vaping and have been off nicotine for almost 2.5 years. I went an entire year and a half without cannabis. I lost some so called friends. I got diagnosed with diabetes. I got pregnant and gave birth to the most beautiful little girl. I bought a car. I started a small business. I had gallbladder surgery. My grandma died. Life.

Losing my grandma and having a surgery all within a week has literally rocked my shit. I usually shake things off pretty fast. I am struggling this time. People close to me have started noticing. I���m having nightmares and I have paranoia and anxiety. I’m so overwhelmed and tired.

And. For the first time in probably almost 3 years… I want to get high. Not blazed on pot high, I wanna get ripped on the opiates. I had to get weaned off those bad boys not even two weeks ago. Docs had me on dilauded which happens to be my DOC and fentanyl to manage post surgery pain.

What’s stopping me? The precious little life beside me sleeping peacefully. So we stay put, we choose life, we choose her, because even tho things are a little dark and twisty her little smile can brighten up anything.

Hi my name is Candace and I’m still a fucking addict. 8 yrs and 11 months.

[candaceandbentleysgreatadventure]

Life is overwhelming. I’m exhausted in every way. Emotionally, physically, mentally, financially etc. i have moments where being a step mom is just not something I want. And then I have moments where I’m reminded of my capacity to love this little human who calls me mommy and it’s all worth it. Being single was SO EASY. i miss it. I miss the quiet, I miss having Bentley as my only kiddo. Yet I’ve adjusted to this high level of stress as a partner, as a parent and currently as the main provider for this household. Some days I feel like I’m the only “adult” in the house because I’m constantly picking up after everyone, I’m the one who takes the initiative to get the “annoying” little things done. I’ve been pushed to my limits several times and each time I’ve let my house people know “that’s enough” “I’m done” and they apologized but the lack of them trying harder is what kills me. The one little thing I’m doing for me now is starting daily walks with Bentley. Covid, a car accident and constant colds (thanks to having a four year old) have completely wrecked my physical health. I want to gain some strength back. I want to find some of myself again.

[candaceandbentleysgreatadventure]

Fak. The incredible differences between these two pictures is astounding. First pic is fall 2011 and second is fall 2021. Ten yrs.

I was so unhealthy and toxic and young. Ugh.

Now I’m mentally stable, heart is slowly failing but I’m okay.

It is what it is.

[candaceandbentleysgreatadventure]

How to tell your still an addict…. Bad pain days…… when the sweet relief of oxy or dilauded just sound delish. I’m tired of being in pain. I’m tired of feeling….. useless. My heart is making me feel useless. I’m not. But easier said than done….. I want a break. Life goes on and that’s okay. Because i keep finding ways to keep going.

[candaceandbentleysgreatadventure]

Six years ago tonight I was trying to Kill myself with a mixture of pills and 50% vodka.

Tonight I’m resting and preparing myself for a full weekend with my lil gal!

Being a step mama is hard. Being a step mama with disabilities is hard. Being a step mama in recovery is hard. But I do hard things because I’m resilient.

Recovery has given me so much to live for. For that I am grateful.

[candaceandbentleysgreatadventure]

Okay….. so one of the scariest things…… is when Dakota relies on me to correct or handle a “meltdown” with Kins because he’s tried and was unsuccessful.

So the coolest thing: getting our preschooler regulated and calm again.

Life is wild.

[candaceandbentleysgreatadventure]

Ugh… ptsd is the worst thing. Nightmares suck. Flashbacks are the absolute worst. Unfortunately that whole year did substantial damage to my mental health.

Anyways: weed and service dogs help.

Got our little one over this weekend. I should sleep. four year olds are pondersome, adventurous and energy draining machines. 😂😊

[candaceandbentleysgreatadventure]

These next few weeks are always so fucking triggering. Remembering the lines of blow…. Bottles of booze…. The Xanax…. The opiates….the expectations and the untreated disorders and mental health issues. Flashbacks are frequent and awful. The nightmares have already started. The intense feelings still haunt me. I’m lucky to be alive. I’m grateful for this second chance.

[candaceandbentleysgreatadventure]

Sleeping in the parking lot of St. Paul’s hospital tonight. Waiting for Dakotas grandmother to pass on. Thankfully I have squish. Life is weird.

[candaceandbentleysgreatadventure]

I turn 30 in just less then a month. There’s a lot of thoughts that come with that. I don’t even want to unpack that right now. For now I’m tired. My chest aches and it hurts to breathe. I did a lot today. Parenting with chronic conditions is hard.

[candaceandbentleysgreatadventure]

First night by myself with our kiddo! Dakotas at work.

[candaceandbentleysgreatadventure]

Talked with my therapist. She’s told me she’s so proud of me. It’s something I really needed to hear.

My family doesn’t agree with my life decisions. They force their opinions on me and manipulate my feelings and make me feel ashamed of myself and who I’m choosing to be.

They’re so…. Privileged.

The world isn’t black and white.

I don’t trust them. They treat me like I’m still a child.

I don’t involve them because I’m terrified of being controlled again. I don’t want to be trapped by beliefs that I don’t agree with and that cause me distress.

I just. Away from them. I’m so happy. I’m content. I’m growing so much. I’m changing. I’m becoming a confident, healthier version of myself. I can be proud of that even if they don’t see it. And even if I chose to not allow them to see it.

Just giving my self an opportunity to figure some thoughts out…… 😪

[candaceandbentleysgreatadventure]

Woke up at 4 am. Wrangled a 4 year old all day. My dog turned 4 today.

I’ve had some big adjustments lately. Dakota got a new job. Works out of town during the week. Home on weekends. We usually have Kins on weekends.

I sometimes seriously question if I’m cut out for (step) motherhood and parenting.

4 years ago my biggest concern was making sure my pup didn’t pee or poop in the house.

Today my biggest concern was making sure my 4 year old step child’s needs were met.

I’m grateful for my partner whose patient with me as I learn to be his child’s bonus mama.

I’m grateful for my ever loyal dog.

And I’m sooo grateful for my big comfy bed.

[candaceandbentleysgreatadventure]

Dakota is currently out for a drive to have some alone time. He had an argument with a family member and after we talked it through I told him to go for a drive and clear his head. Me and the little one are having some quiet time because she’s pukey and not feeling good, and I’m dealing with chronic conditions flaring up because of the heat. Thankful for iPads and service dogs today.

[candaceandbentleysgreatadventure]

Last year my chosen mom told me to tithe my sixties settlement “blood money” back to God and the church. That’s when I knew it was time to walk away. Since then I’ve managed to get completely off my anxiety medications and heal.

My relatives were stolen and killed in the name of Jesus. They effectively killed the Indian In The child by stealing and killing the children.

Im still here and the Genocide of my people ends with my generation taking a stand. I am no longer ashamed of my heritage nor will I stand to be told otherwise.

[candaceandbentleysgreatadventure]

Cardiac conditions suck. I so badly want to be out biking and doing stuff. But it hurts. Dakota has mentioned a significant change in my energy and abilities. I’m now finally allowing myself to notice it and accept it. My body is once again failing me. I’m exhausted. I’m getting booked for an angiogram in the next few months. This test results will determine whether I need to undergo surgery.

[candaceandbentleysgreatadventure]

Was a good day. Took squishy to the beach! Spent some quality time with him! My baby boy is almost 4. My little gal Kins is also almost 4.

Excited to have her here this weekend! Going to mentally prepare tomorrow and take some me time. I’m still new to having a little one around for a few days and I find by Sundays when she goes back home to her mom I’m mentally drained. Yet the moment she’s gone I miss her.