calobrien

[calobrien]

From Nostalgia to You

I remember you and I

I remember the summers, the winters, the springs and the autumns too.

I remember the peace and the excitement as it was yesterday. With you I always felt so high.

I remember the drive to your folks place.

I remember the lonely feeling of the seemingly unending drive home.

I remember the impending feeling of dread wash over me when it began to get late.

I remember all the times I was this close to asking you on a date.

I remember thinking I’d built up the courage, only for my words to betray me and my throat to grow dry.

I remember the fear I felt each time, I was afraid of ruining the moment, how silly was I?

I remember the look you’d give me when your mum told me an embarrassing story about you when you were younger.

I remember how you’d try to justify what you did back then or insist that she had it wrong. She’d always declare she knew best because she was your mother.

I remember how desperately your sisters wanted to make me laugh and how much fun they had telling me your worst habit.

I remember you all play fighting in the living room.

I remember finding it hilarious when they banded together against the monster you would try to inhabit.

You couldn’t quite do it justice, could you?

I remember the sweaty palms I felt when your father asked for a moment to speak privately.

I remember feeling as though there was thin ice beneath my feet.

I remember the overwhelming feeling of anxiety.

I remember what he said, it was the reverse of what I imagined.

I remember being speechless at the sound of his words.

I remember how he wanted the best for you and how in that moment we both seemed to hope that was me.

That gave me what I needed to finally ask you on that date, or so I hoped. Every time I tried my thoughts were met with a fear of ruining the moment. How silly was I?

I remember sitting on your bed running my fingers through your hair as you rested your head on my lap, tears running down your perfect face.

I remember feeling a fraction of the pain you constantly tried to hide whenever you felt safe enough to be vulnerable with me.

I remember how much you hated being at your folks place.

I remember it all you see. Every time we walked the dog, every time we laughed at your sister’s crazy dance moves or her awful jokes.

I remember your mothers cooking; you and I washing up after and how you’d always flick the water at me.

I remember how close we’d get as I tried to stop you.

I remember how still everything would seem in the moment. Then came the embarressment painted on both our faces when your mum walked into the kitchen.

Being with you, I never knew I could feel so free.

I remember it all you see? That'll have to be good enough for me.

By: Cal O’Brien